神经马龙（2017）

各位亲们好啊
What's up, people?
欢迎大家收看马龙直播秀
Welcome to the Marlon Wave.
我是马龙
I'm Marlon.
好消息
Good news!
我们的节目粉丝订阅数刚达六百万了
We just hit 6 million subscribers!
我今早5点15分起床
I woke up this morning at 5:15 a.m.,
我寻思了一下 我为啥起这么早
and I thought to myself, why am I up so early?
但更重要的是 为啥只有我起这么早
But more importantly, why am I the only one up this early?
所以我决定到我前妻艾什丽的家
So I decided to drive over to my ex-wife Ashley's house
把她和孩子们一起叫起来
to invite her and the kids to join me.
艾什丽
Ashley!
马龙 出去
Marlon, get out!
马莉
Marley!
我怎么摊上你这么个爹
Why are you my dad?
吓你一跳
Surprise!
《神经马龙》第一季 第一集
马莉 扎克 搞什...
Marley! Zack! What the...
妈妈 快瞧瞧这堡垒
Mom! Check out the fort.
-你喜欢吗 -嗯 很棒
- You like it? - It's... it's amazing.
这是爸爸的主意
It was dad's idea.
很酷吧
Pretty cool, huh?
超级酷 你还用了我昂贵的床单呢
It's super cool, and you used my expensive sheets.
你想进去看看吗 妈妈
You want to see inside, mom?
好啊 谢谢
I would love to, thank you.
等下 密♥码♥是什么
Hold up. What's the password?
给你个提示
Here's the hint.
我和爸爸在这世上最爱什么
What do dad and I love more than anything in the world?
屁
Farts.
-她真厉害 -太了解咱爷俩了
- She's good! - She know us well!
猜得不错 但不是密♥码♥
That's a good guess, but that's not it.
我和孩子们在这世上没有什么活不了
What's the one thing in the world that the kids and I cannot live without?
等下 马莉在里面吗
Wait, Marley's in there?
我在「图书馆」里呢 能小点声吗
I'm in the library. Can you please keep it down?
快啊 小艾 猜下密♥码♥
Come on, Ash, guess the password.
-我不知道密♥码♥ -猜猜看嘛
- I don't know the password. - Come on.
我得把买♥♥的东西放下
And I have to put these groceries down.
好吧
All right.
你去游戏室加固一下天花板
You fortify the ceiling in the rumpus room.
暂时先别用厕所 懂了吗
And don't use the toilet yet, okay?
马龙
Marlon?
为什么总在我家
Why is it that the really big,
搞那个扰人的大破堡垒
disruptive projects always happen at my house?
原因之一 我只有一套床单
Well, for one thing, I only got one set of sheets.
不用解释为啥不用那些了吧
you don't want to use those.
拿着
Here, hold this.
来笑一个 装得你很喜欢
Now, I want you to smile. Act like you like it.
一二三 说"茄子"
1, 2, 3, say, "Cheese."
-"茄子" -好了
- Cheese! - Okay.
我们刚才推销的是什么
Okay, so what did we just sell?
我们刚推销的是看「帕科无酒精龙舌兰」
We just sold Paco's Alcohol-Free Tequila.
-无酒精的酒吗 -是啊
- Alcohol-free booze? - Yeah.
-那还叫什么酒 -就是说啊
- What's the point? - Yeah, I know, right?
我喜欢错误决定
I like making bad decisions.
我只知道他们花钱
All I know is that they are paying me
请我提升这个品牌的知名度
to heightened the awareness of the brand.
你要留下吃完饭吗
So are you gonna stay for dinner?
让我想想
Let me see.
待在这里跟你和孩子吃顿温馨家常菜
Stay here to have a nice home-cook meall with you and the kids,
要么回家听小史
or go home and listen to Stevie,
用科学知识解释现实中绝不可能发生《行尸走肉》
to tell me the scientific reason of The Walking Dead could never happen?
我还是留下吧
Yeah, I think I'll stay here.
好吧 你跟马莉说了我们跟弗莱女士见面的事吗
All right. Did you talk to Marley about our meeting with Ms. Frye?
没有 你说你不在场时 不准我教育孩子
No, you said never to parent when you're not in the room.
马龙
Marlon?
咖啡机哪去了
Where's the coffeemaker?
在堡垒里面
It's in the fort.
我们在躺椅后面开了一家星巴克
We're opening a Starbucks behind the recliner.
给妈妈做一杯脱脂摩卡拿铁星冰乐
Make your mama a nonfat mocha latte with frappuccino!
请多加甜菊糖和杏仁奶
Extra stevia, please, and almond milk!
小艾 这个堡垒绝对会碉堡了
Ash, this fort is gonna be lit.
会有贵宾室 会有DJ
There's gonna be a VIP section, we're gonna have a DJ,
我们还会找个门卫
we're gonna get a bouncer to keep out
把那些钓不到湖人球员的拜金女都挡在门外
all the gold-digging psychos that can't get a laker.
看来我们比我想象中
Looks like we're gon' need that bouncer
更快需要一个门卫啊
a lot quicker than I thought.
-马龙 -伊维特
- Marlon. - Yvette.
你不是跟他离婚了吗
I thought you divorced him.
他比你们没离婚时在家的时间更长
He's here more now than when you were married.
这敢情好啊
This should be good...
最长一次恋情就是全明星周末的女人
marriage advice from a girl whose longest relationship
好意思给婚姻建议
was all-star weekend.
是这样
See...
那是以前的伊维特
That was the old Yvette.
我现在有了长♥期♥男友 他叫「上帝」
I have a long-term boyfriend now, and his name is God.
希望他手里有青霉素「治性病」I hope He got some penicillin.
不好意思 我是独身主义者「禁欲」Excuse me, I'm celibate.
你这话还是唬别人去吧
Yeah, well, you sell-a-bit of that to somebody else.
好啦
Come on now.
伊维特 你把鞋子带来了吗
Yvette, did you, bring the shoes?
我当然带鞋子过来了
Girl, you know I brought the shoes.
等下等下 这鞋是怎么回事
Hold on, no, no. W-w-what's with the shoes?
艾什丽明晚有活动
Ashley's got plans tomorrow night.
不行
No.
艾什丽 我明晚安排一家人活动
Ashley, I made family plans tomorrow night.
我为全家人买♥♥了票
I got me, you, and the kids tickets to see
去看新上映的恐怖电影《屠♥杀♥营》
the new horror movie "Slaughter Camp."
马龙 你怎么不早跟我说
Well, Marlon, I wish you would've told me sooner.
-我明晚有活动 -那就取消啊
- I have plans tomorrow night. - Well, cancel them.
她不能取消
She can't cancel them.
-她说得对 马龙 -别这样嘛
- She's right, Marlon. - Come on.
你们有什么活动 你们能干什么
What plans y'all got? What y'all going to do?
站在夜店外面
Stand outside of a club
看着一群21岁的年轻人进去
watching all the 21-year-olds get in
而你们还在灰头土脸地吃路边摊吗
while y'all sit there, ashy, eating street meet?
这比跟家人共享美好时光更重要吗
Is that more important than spending quality time with your family?
爸爸
Dad!
我用了堡垒里的厕所
I used the fort toilet!
儿子 不是吧 那是你♥妈♥的♥炖锅
Son, come on! That's your mama's crock-pot!
瞧
See?
这证明了你需要出去玩一晚
That proves that you need a night out.
但他计划一家人去看《屠♥杀♥营》
Yeah, but he made family plans to see "Slaughter Camp."
生活不是以马龙为中心啊
It ain't always about Marlon.
姐妹儿 是你结束了这段婚姻
Girl, you're the one who ended this marriage.
你怎么搞得还像没离婚似的
Why are you acting like you're still married?
也许有一天你结婚了
Well, you know, maybe if you ever get married
有孩子了 你就能明白了
and have children one day, you'd understand.
你拿我说事了啊
So now you throwing shade?
上帝还没准备好迎娶我
God ain't ready for that just yet.
大家好啊
What's up, people?
你们知道意面配什么好吃吗
You know what goes great with spaghetti?
「帕科无酒精龙舌兰」
Paco's Alcohol-Free Tequila.
小孩子也喜欢 对吧 儿子
And the babies love it too. Ain't that right, son?
谢谢给我玛格丽特酒 爸爸
Thanks for the Margarita, dad.
马龙 你不能把孩子饮酒的视频发上网
Marlon, you cannot post a video of a child drinking a Margarita.
如果无酒精就可以啊 干了 儿子
You can if it's alcohol-free. Drink up, son.
-干了 干 干 -好了
- Choke, choke, choke, choke! - Okay!
-来吧 来吧 -好了 行了
- Turn up! Turn up! Turn up! - Okay, stop, stop!
行了 该把手♥机♥拿开了
Okay, I think it's time we put our phones away.
马莉
Marley...
我和爸爸要跟你谈一下
Daddy and I need to talk to you.
马莉摊上事了
Marley's in trouble!
真新鲜啊