神经马龙（2017）

网友们 大家好
What's up, Internet beeps.
欢迎收看《马龙直播》
Welcome to "The Marlon Way."
育儿是种微妙的平衡
Parenting is a delicate balance.
因为如果你管得不够严
Because if you don't go far enough,
就会惯出个熊孩子 长大后就变成熊大人
you wound up with those spoiled kids that turn into crappy adults.
他们去上班时 上司会问
They show up to work, and the boss is like,
「怎么来得这么晚」
"Why are you so late?"
「因为我需要一些个人时间」
"Because I needed some me time."
但要是你管得太严
But if you go too far,
就养成了「虎妈」教育式下的孩子
you wind up with those tiger-mom kids.
就像马友友「著名大提琴家」要求孩子也学大提琴
You know, that ones that could play cello like Yo-Yo Ma.
有天孩子受不了了
And then one day they snapped,
就会爆发
and they kick Yo-Yo ass.
我们就该养条狗
We should've got a dog.
神经马龙 第一季第五集
孩子们不在可真安静啊
It's so peaceful around here with the kids gone.
孩子们就在那边
The kids are right over there.
那怎么会如此安静
Then why is it so quiet?
小史 你这个半鬈毛脑袋是疯了吧
Stevie, are you out of your semi-nappy headed mind?
原来是他俩不在
There it is.
我为什么要付你钱
Why would I pay you money?
因为我帮你录了视频
For the work I do on your videos.
怎么回事啊
Okay, what is going on?
我正和这个小气鬼
I'm trying to renegotiate the terms
商量我无薪实习的条件呢
of my unpaid internship with this tightwad.
你的实习条件是这样的
Here's the terms of your internship, okay?
你照我说的做
You do what I say,
作为回报 我允许你睡我家沙发
and, in turn, I let your broke ass sleep on my couch.
老爸 你周日能带我们去看
Hey, Dad, can you take us to see
《僵尸小丑》吗
"Zombie Clown Mountain" on Sunday?
那可是限制级电影 你们俩还不够年龄
Hey, that's a R-rated movie, and you guys are underage.
所以当然带你们去啦
So you know I'm in.
你们继续挥霍之前
Before you all start spending more money,
爸爸和我得先谈谈
Daddy and I need to have a discussion.
爸爸不喜欢和妈妈谈谈
Daddy don't like when Mommy wants to have discussions.
这是我们联名信♥用♥卡♥的支出情况
This is the current statement for our joint credit card.
-看看吧 -艾什丽 拜托
- Take a look. - Ashley, come on,
我知道支出情况是怎样
I already know what's on here.
好吧 看啊 理发40块 这有啥
It's fi-Okay, look, $40.00 for a haircut, which is a deal.
你看他的头有多大
See how big that boy's head is?
你得像除草一样在他头上推来推去
You gotta mow his head, like...
打游戏支出315块 这...
$315 for a Xbox game, this is a...
315块
$315?
这什么情况
What in the hell is this?
懂了吧 咱家孩子们挥霍无度
Exactly, our kids' spending is out of control.
小子 你花315块买♥♥什么了
Boy, what did you spend $315 on?
花在我的NBA游戏上了
It's my NBA game.
我给我的虚拟球员们买♥♥了虚拟衣服
I bought virtual clothes for my virtual players.
那你在现实中就得挨顿屁♥股♥墩儿了
And you about to get a virtual ass-whuppin'.
你知道吗 我像你这么大时
Man, do you know when I was your age
能有件衣服穿就很幸运了
that I was lucky if I had actual clothes on my actual back?
我有两次都是裸着去学校的
I went to school naked twice.
谢天谢地 他们是按翘臀打分
And thank God, they graded on the curve.
还有更糟的呢 继续读
It gets worse. Keep reading.
话费怎么这么多
Why is the phone bill so high?
因为你女儿每晚因奇奇怪怪的理由
That's because your daughter forgets the turn the Wi-Fi on
用手♥机♥看《哈利波特》睡着时
on her phone when, for some strange reason,
总忘记开无线
she falls asleep to "Harry Potter" movies every night.
有点像是「白噪声」
It's kind of like white noise.
丫头 我小时候都伴着「黑人噪音」入睡
Girl, when we were young, we fell asleep to black noise.
既有警笛 又有枪声
Yeah, there was police siren, gunshots,
还有人在尖叫 「天呐 他没有」
people screaming, "Hell no, he didn't!"
还伴随着劲爆的拉美音乐...
And loud Latino music going...
他们每次这样闹...
And any time they would...
都会把我们惊醒
We woke up.
我叫的车来了 我去找丹妮尔啦
My Uber's here, so I'm gonna go see Danielle.
叫车 什么 等等
Uber? What, what, what, hold on,
少女「卡戴珊」「名媛」little child Kardashian.
怎么了
What?
丫头 丹妮尔家这么近
Girl, Danielle's house is so close,
我扔个石子都能扔到她家
I can toss a rock and hit it.
老妈 你今晚能帮我洗下那件绿色毛衣吗
Mom, can you hand wash my green sweater tonight?
谢了 爱你
Thanks, love you.
回见 老爸
Later, Dad.
这俩孩子真是反了天了
These kids is out of control.
你怎么把他们惯成这样了
How did you let them get like this?
我怎么把他们惯成这样了
How I did I let them get like this?
我这不问你吗
That's what I just asked you.
好戏开演了 小史
Here we go, Stevie.
马龙和艾什丽不为人知的系列之
The untold Marlon and Ashley story:
给了孩子一切后 我们气疯了
We give our kids everything and now we mad.
自从离婚后
Ever since the divorce,
你一直放任他俩「逍遥法外」
you been letting these kids get away with murder.
你娇惯他们
You coddle them.
你还溺爱他们呢
Well, you spoil them.
你给扎克买♥♥了所有新出的炫酷玩具
You get Zack every new gadget that comes along.
拜托 才不是这样
Come on, that is not true.
来得很不是时候 儿子
Super bad timing, dude.
抱歉 老爸
Sorry, Dad.
马龙 有一点我们应该都承认
Marlon, I think that we can both agree that,
自从离婚后 我们就有点纵容他们
since the divorce, we indulge them a little bit.
不 是你纵容他们
No, you indulge them.
天呐
I mean, for God's sake,
扎克当时都多大了 你还给他喂奶
you breastfed Zack till he was old enough to put quick in it.
我小时候 我爸妈什么都依着我
My parents indulged my every whim as a kid,
我现在不也好好的嘛
and I turned out A-Okay.
你都四十了 还是个无薪实习生
You're a 40-year-old unpaid intern
睡在别人家沙发上
who sleeps on another man's couch.
你的信用评分一定很糟糕
I bet you have an atrocious credit score.
马龙 我们得一起管束下孩子们
Marlon, you and I need to work together to rein in our children.
我同意
I agree.
我要放大招「打雷」了
I'm about to bring the thunder.
不不不 你不能放大招「打雷」No, no, you don't get to bring in the thunder
因为那样就会伴随有闪电 会着火「搞砸」because then comes lightning, and things get burned.
懂吗 要用我的大招
All right? We're gonna go with my thunder.
你有什么大招
Girl, you ain't got no thunder.
你住得可是谢尔曼橡树富人区
You living in bougie-ass Sherman Oaks.
我可不住那儿
I don't sleep on the Oaks, okay?
我父母很严厉
My parents were hardcore,
等着看老娘好好整顿这个家吧
and Mama's 'bout to turn this place upside down.
那是个什么玩意
What in the entire hell is that?
这是个家务轮盘
It's a chore wheel.
我们要用这个打他们吗
Are we gonna hit them with that?
或者把这小子放进去转来转去
Or we could put the little boy on it and just spin.
不必转到他呕吐 转到他走路摇摇晃晃就行
I mean, not till he throw up, but just so he walk like this.
马龙 我要让他们承担责任
Marlon, I'm going to hit them with responsibility.
祝好运
Good luck.
这是个家务轮盘
Okay, this is a chore wheel.
每完成一件家务 就在上面打钩
You finish a chore, you put a check on the wheel,
完成之后 你才能获得额外的奖励
then, and only then, do you get extra incentives and perks...
才有钱叫车 买♥♥游戏装备 吃甜食
Money for your Uber or video games, extra dessert,
还可以获得我个人最爱的一个奖励
and then there's my personal favorite,
依偎在妈妈的怀抱里
snuggle time with Mom.
好了 开始吧
All right, get to spinning.
欢迎来到「不幸之轮」
Welcome to the Wheel of Unfortune!
这招你是从《欢乐满屋》哪一集学来的
What episode of "Full House" did you get that idea from?
我们都离婚了 为什么我还得帮你提东西
Why are we divorced, but I'm still carrying your groceries?
我们都离婚了 为什么你还是吃光我家的东西
Why are we divorced, but you're still eating up all my food?
马龙 快看啊
Marlon, look at this!
你之前还质疑这个不管用
And you doubted the wheel.
几乎所有家务都完成了
Almost everything is checked off.
天呐 看看这些叠得多好看
My gosh, and look at how beautiful these are folded.