神经马龙（2017）

网友们 大家好
What's up, Internet fam?
欢迎收看《马龙直播》
Welcome to "The Marlon Way."
我花了16年时间
I spent 16 years of my life
学习已婚女人的言下之意
learning how to speak Married Woman.
但我离婚后 我又得重学单身女人的话外之意
But when I got divorced, I had to relearn Single Lady.
比如 一个女人说 「很高兴个认识你」
For example, when a girl goes "Hi, it's nice to meet you,"
她真正想说的话是
what she really is saying is,
「我们俩能走到哪一步呢」
"So where is this relationship going?"
一个女人要是说
And when a girl says,
「你介意我把牙刷留下吗」
"Do you mind if I leave this little toothbrush here?"
她的言下之意就是
What she's really saying is,
「什么时候把这间办公室改造成育婴室啊」
"So, when are we turning this office into a baby nursery?"
一个女人要是说
And when a girl says,
「我只上♥床♥ 不会产生感情」
"No, I'm perfectly cool having sex with no emotional attachment."
其实真正的意思是...
What she really means is...
马龙 怎么还没联♥系♥我
Marlon, why haven't you called me?
这才是女人真正要表达的意思
That's what they really mean.
我听见你里面爬了
I hear you crawling!
神经马龙 第一季第四集
好了好了 我错过什么了
Okay, okay, okay, what did I miss?
你得喝酒
Okay, you're going to have to drink.
卡片上说「没在教堂里做♥爱♥」
The card said "Never have I ever had sex in a church."
人们说要在圣坛上献出全部
Well, they say to lay your all on the altar, so...
我就知道牧师讲台下传出的声音属于她
I knew I heard her voice coming from the pastor's pulpit.
喊什么「上帝啊 天啊」
Talking about, "My God! Jesus!"
我还以为她在抓圣灵呢
I thought she was catching the Holy Ghost.
她抓到了
She caught it.
好了
All right,
「从没出♥卖♥♥♥色相逃罚单」
"Never have I ever used my sexuality to get out of a traffic ticket."
好吧
Okay.
好吧
Okay.
小史 规则是你做过
Stevie, you're only supposed to drink
才要喝酒
if you've done what's on the card.
那个交♥警♥觉得我很性感
The officer thought I was very sexy.
那小伙子不错 他喜欢我的胡子
Nice guy, he liked my beard.
他就给了我一个警告
He let me off with a warning.
你的胡子很性感吗
Your beard's sexy?
肯定是你用了荷荷芭油了
It must be all of the jojoba oil you use.
到我了
Okay. All right.
「从没杀过人」
"Never have I ever killed a man."
谁写的这些啊 太弱智了
Who writes these? These are so dumb.
他们得想出些穷屌♥丝的版本啊
They need to come up with a ghetto version of this game.
「给孩子起名字时
"Never have I ever named my children
从没起过自己买♥♥不起的奢侈品」
after expensive stuff I can't afford."
过来 「卡迪亚」
Come here, Cartier.
过来 「卡迪亚」
Get over here, Cartier.
你弟弟呢 椰子鞋「阿迪达斯与侃爷合作推出的球鞋」Now where is your brother, Yeezy Boost?
过来 「房♥租」
Get over here, Rent.
别闹了
Stop it.
谁会杀人啊
I mean, who kills somebody?
这可不好说
I don't know.
我当时是个很傻很天真的护士助手
I was a young candy-striper,
他是个靠呼吸机生存的老头子
and he was an old guy on life support.
我当时需要给手♥机♥充电
I needed to charge my phone.
有啥啊 医生又救活他了
What? They brought him back.
我得潇洒活一回了
You know, I need to get a life.
不然我就渴死了
I'm going to die of thirst
卡片上这么多事 我一件都没干过
before something I've done comes up on these cards.
该我了
My turn.
「从没跟前任发生过关系」
"Never have I ever had sex with an ex."
干杯
Cheers.
喝啊 小贱♥人♥
Drink, bitch.
我没跟前任睡过
I've never slept with an ex.
等下
Hold up.
你是说 你和马龙离婚后 没睡过吗
You mean, since the divorce, you and Marlon-never?
绝对没有
Never have we ever.
我还以为
Well, I assumed the only reason
你允许这货来你家
you let Big Head hang around here
是因为他时不时让你爽一下呢
was because he was breaking you off every now and then.
伊维特 我们离婚了
Yvette, we are divorced.
那又如何
So?
我在八卦论♥坛♥上看过一篇文章
I read an article on BuzzFeed
上面说
that said something like
38%离婚的夫妻都会时不时发♥生♥关♥系♥
38% of divorced couples have occasional sex,
而且非常健康
and it's perfectly healthy.
做做更健康嘛
And they keep your numbers low.
伊维特 如果我们想时不时做♥爱♥
Yvette, if we wanted to have occasional sex,
那就不用离婚了
we would have stayed married.
你怎么看伊维特说的话
So what'd you think about what Yvette said?
我也被惊吓到了啊
Yeah, I know, that was crazy, right?
我一直都感觉这女人有问题
I mean, I always knew there was something off about that girl,
但没想到她以前还是个「凶手」
but I didn't know she was a killer.
你最好小心点 她尝到甜头了
You better watch your back. She got the taste, you know?
有第一次 就有第二次
They don't just stop at one.
也许她喜欢对浅色皮肤的女人下手
Maybe she got a thing for killing light-skinned girls.
她说不定是「浅色皮肤女子扼杀者」呢
She might be like the light-skinned strangler.
黑白混血绞肉机 小心点吧
The mulatto mangler. Watch out.
马龙 我是说那篇文章
Marlon, I'm talking about the article.
跟前任上♥床♥的事
You know, ex sex?
38%的离婚夫妇会上♥床♥
I mean, 38% of divorced couples hooking up, whatever.
感觉肯定很好
It must be nice.
我已近很久没做了
It's been a pretty long time for me.
你是说没做♥爱♥吗
You mean, you ain't got no "break glass?"
马龙 你知道我不是
Marlon, you know that I'm not
那种「打一炮就走」的女人
a "Hit it and quit it" kind of girl.
我刚好相反
I'm the opposite.
我是那种「来吧 干」
I be like, "Slam, bam."
对方会觉得 「爽」
She be like, "Damn."
我会说 「谢谢了 妹子」
I be like, "Thank you, ma'am."
而她则会说 「我们什么时候同居」
And she be like, "So when do I move in?"
我就会说 「淡定」
And I be like, "Chill."
她会说 「这是一♥夜♥情♥吗」
And she be like, "So it's gonna be one night?"
我就会想 「我为啥要上这个疯女人」
And I be like, "Why'd I hit this crazy girl?"
她会说 「我知道你家住哪」
And she be like, "I know where you live."
我会说 「坏了 小史 我们得换锁了」
And I be like, "Damn, Stevie, we gotta change the locks."
所以对我来说 空窗期也挺长时间了
Yeah, so it's been a while for me too.
不可能
No way.
说真的 我得休息一段时间
I'm serious, I had to take a break.
锁匠每周至少去我加一次
You know, the locksmith was at my house at least once a week?
你要换这么多次锁吗
You had to change your locks that much?
我当时交往的是个锁匠
I was dating a locksmith.
她老是自己撬门而入
The girl kept letting herself in.
那我们呢
Okay, so what about us?
我们能成为那38%中的一员吗
Do you think we could, um, be 38-percenters?
你喝大了吗
Are you drunk?
没有 整个游戏 我就喝了一杯
No, I only had one drink the whole damn game,
还是因为你做的事而喝的
and that was for something you did.
说真的 马龙 我想疯一回
Seriously, Marlon, I want to live a little.
彻底地潇洒一回
Take a walk on the wild side.
我们怎么就不能这么做呢
So why can't we do this?
因为你是艾什丽
Because you're Ashley.
你这个人天生就这样
This is not the way you're wired.
你到时肯定会投入感情
I mean, you're going to get all caught up in your feelings.
跟你就不会
Not with you.
马龙 我已经嫁过你一次了
Marlon, I was already married to you, okay?
我可不想再经历一次了
And I never want to do that again.
咱俩以前的婚姻很大程度上是靠性维系的
Sex was the one part of our relationship that kind of worked.
是啊
Yeah.
我确实很给力
I did tear it up.
哥都不是吹
Boy.
我让你爽到脚趾头啊
I'd make your little toes do this.