神经马龙（2017）

大家好啊 "龙丝儿们"
What's up, Marlennials?
欢迎收看《马龙直播》
Welcome to "The Marlon Way."
今天给当爹妈的人讲个事
This one's for the people with kids.
包括老妈 老爸
I'm talking moms, dads,
以及收到女友这种短♥信♥的男士们
and any dude that got a text from a girl talking about,
"这个月没来大姨妈"
"I'm late."
培养孩子的梦想非常重要
It's very important that you foster your children's dreams.
如果迈克尔·乔丹的父母当初没给他篮球
If Michael Jordan's parents didn't give him a basketball,
耐克以斯科蒂·皮蓬命名的鞋 乔丹退役后 皮蓬转会到火箭队
他只会是一个穿着皮蓬运动鞋 名叫"迈克"的傻大个
he'd just be some tall dude named Mike wearing Air Pippens,
天天没事在办公室里瞎转悠
walking around the office with his tongue hanging out his mouth.
我的重点是 孩子的梦想很重要
So what I'm saying is, kids' dreams are important.
还有 男同胞们 如果不想收到"大姨妈没来"的短♥信♥
And, fellas, if you don't wanna get "The late text,"
就得用安全套啊
you gotta wear the latex.
我的双关很赞吧 屌♥丝们
You like my wordplay, bitches?
神经马龙 第二季第一集
看起来不妙啊
It looks bad.
一路冲到底啊
He could go all the way!
触地得分 游戏结束
Touchdown! Game over.
你今天真衰
You are having a terrible day.
无论游戏还是人生 你都是输家啊
You are losing in "Madden" and in life.
这些游戏手柄太复杂了
These controllers are too complicated.
好怀念插卡游戏机
I miss ColecoVision.
才不复杂呢 我跟你说过了 听着
No, they're not. I told you. Listen.
三角是跳
The triangle makes them jump.
圈表示转圈
The circle makes them spin.
此处是指之前NFL球员在放国歌♥时跪地 抗♥议♥对黑人的歧视 表达对特朗普不满
叉是放国歌♥时 球员单膝跪下And the X makes them kneel during the national anthem.
爸爸 你猜逛商场时发生什么事了
Dad, guess what happened at the mall.
你看见他们给身材火♥辣♥的人形模特换衣服了
You saw them change the clothes on a hot mannequin.
不是 今天还没到周四
No, it's not Thursday yet.
其实是 有个"娱乐范儿运动装备"公♥司♥的人
Actually, some woman who said that she was from Game Swag Athletic Gear
问扎克想不想拍一个童装广♥告♥
asked Zack if he'd be interested in doing a kids' photo shoot.
我要火 谁也挡不住 老爸
It was only a matter of time, Dad.
瞧瞧咱这张明星脸
I mean, look at this face.
我太了解了 儿子
Yeah, I know it all too well, son.
我之前还担心来着
I was worried for a second.
就是你还没长开那会儿
Boy, it was going through that awkward phase, you know?
牙太大 脚也大
Teeth was big. Your feet was big.
你当时像一只龅牙兔子
You looked like a saber-toothed rabbit.
但瞧瞧你现在 总算长开了
But now look at you, coming back out that tunnel.
我又能把你当儿子了
I could claim you again.
恭喜你
Congratulations, man.
我儿子要跟他爹一样成名了
My son's about to be famous like his daddy.
不 他想成为大明星...
Nah, he wants to be for-real famous...
不是你这种没啥名气的网红主播
Not "YouTuber who once got recognized at a Chipotle" famous like you.
因为我的名气而送来的鳄梨酱 你吃得挺开心啊
You wasn't complaining when you had your snout all in the free guacamole.
马莉 我要成为当红模特了
Marley, I'm gonna be a famous model.
来 你乖 给小爷来瓶姜汁汽水
Now, be a doll and bring me a ginger ale.
等一下 我们还没同意这事呢
Okay, hold up. We haven't agreed to anything.
我刚告诉你 我和你♥爸♥要商量一下
I just told you that your dad and I would talk about it.
好主意 你俩谈
Great idea. You two talk.
马莉 姜汁汽水
Marley! Ginger ale!
马上来了
Coming right up!
好吧 我们谈吧
All right, girl, let's talk about it.
我们俩生了个漂亮宝宝 是时候回本了
You and I made a beautiful boy, and it's time we get paid.
九年私立学校 就考了一个A
Nine years of private school, one A?
我们把钱省下来吧
I say we cut our losses.
教育是个赔本的投资
This is a bad investment, okay?
他就像比特币[一直跌]He's the Bitcoin of kids.
马龙
Okay, Marlon,
我们都不知道这个盖尔·纽曼是不是真格的
we don't even know if this Gail Newman is legit.
她说得对
She's right.
有人找你当模特
People ask you to model,
结果把你骗到一个单间里
and next thing you know, you're at a studio apartment in the Valley,
穿着性感内衣 拍那种照片
crawling around in your bra and panties like a damn leopard.
结果发现 这个人都不认识文·瑞姆斯[著名影星]Turns out, he don't even know Ving Rhames.
老娘栽过两次
Fool me twice.
我看了一下我领英上的信息
Actually, according to my LinkedIn,
盖尔·纽曼确实是"娱乐范儿"公♥司♥的市场主管
Gail Newman is, in fact, a marketing exec at Game Swag, Inc.
感觉是真格的
Sounds legit to me.
你上领英 就像史提夫·汪达[盲人]用行车导航软件
You being on LinkedIn is like Stevie Wonder being on Waze.
不管是不是真格的
Okay, legit or not,
我有点拿不准
I don't know how I feel about this.
我不是很想让儿子进娱乐圈
I'm not crazy about our son being in the entertainment industry.
艾什丽 机会来敲门了
Ashley, opportunity is knocking,
机会敲门时 你得开门迎接啊
and when opportunity knocks, you gotta open the door.
你得说 "你好啊 机会
You gotta be like, "What's up, opportunity?
快进来 机会
Come on in, opportunity.
想喝点什么吗 来点烈酒如何"
Can I get you something, maybe some brown liquor?"
我赞同马龙的话
You know, I gotta agree with Marlon.
我12岁时 都准备称霸全国拼字大赛了
When I was 12, I was poised to crush the national spelling bee,
而我奶奶让我退出了
until Nana withdrew me
因为很多选手都在滥用阿得拉[精神兴奋性药物]because of the rampant Adderall addiction amongst contestants.
我当时感觉天都塌了
I was devastated.
"天塌了啊"
"Devastated."
特一安 天...
D-e-v...
而你现在是无业游民
And now you jobless.
"无业游民" 呜一 无...
"Jobless." J-O-B...
小艾 我像扎克这么大时
Look, Ash, when I was Zack's age,
我在《胡桃夹子》中演主角
I got the lead role in "The Nutcracker,"
但是我爸 他不喜欢我穿紧身裤
and my father-- he wasn't feeling me wearing tights.
他说 "儿子 你想做糖蛋精灵吗"
He was like, "Boy, are you a sugarplum fairy?"
我说"不想"
I said, "No."
他说 "那你为什么夹紧蛋蛋给人看呢"
He said, "Then why you showing the world your sugarplums?"
我本来可以演绎《黑天鹅》啊
I could've been the real Black Swan.
马龙 我们不了解模特这一行
Marlon, we don't know anything about the modeling industry.
艾什丽 我会照顾好儿子 放心吧
Ashley, I'm gonna look out for our son, all right?
你得保证 你会保护他
All right, well, promise me that you will keep him safe.
妹子 作为他的父亲以及经纪人
Girl, protecting Zack is my number one priority
保护他是我的首要任务
as his father and as his manager.
很好 因为我可不想让我家孩子
Good, 'cause I don't want my baby in a Valley apartment
穿着性感内衣 拍那种照片
crawling around like a damn leopard.
悔终生啊
No, you do not.
爸 太酷了
Dad, this is so cool!
没错 我们要让你圆梦了
That's right, man. We about to make your dreams come true, baby.
我们来练习几个姿势
All right, so let's roll through the poses.
摆出"思考者"的样子
All right, give me--give me-- give me "Thinking Man."
好 "坐牢的样子"
A'ight. Give me "Jailhouse."
摆个"我刚出狱了"
Give me "I just got released."
摆个"我爹刚离开了"
Give me, "My daddy just left."
"但他又回来了"
"But he came back."
太棒了 儿子 你有模特天赋啊
Very good, son. You're a natural.
你就跟你老爸一样
You're just like Dad.
扎克 很高兴又见面了
Zack. Great to see you again.
我也是
Good to see you too.
-你就是... -我是马龙
- And you must be... - I am Marlon.
我是扎克的经纪人
I am Zack's manager
也是他爹 他那个切罗基的颧骨是遗传了我
and the one responsible for those Cherokee cheekbones.
这是汉克·霍夫斯特 他是"娱乐范儿"的总裁
This is Hank Hoffstetter. He's the CEO of Game Swag.
幸会
Nice to meet you, fellas.
你好啊 汉克 你最近如何
What's up, Hank? How you doing, baby?
-不错吧 -我的天
- You good? - My!
-你好吗 -我很好 谢谢
- How you doing, man? - Fine, thank you.
-幸会 -幸会
- Good to meet you. - Good to meet you.
我喜欢你这范儿
I like your swag, man.
一身西装配匡威布鞋 就像是说
That suit with the worn-out Chucks that says, like,
"老子有的是钱[发怒] 就是没法花"
"I got mad cash, but I'm grounded."
总不花 我的钱都生气了[确实有钱]Well, my cash is mad.
你的鞋也很"赞"啊
Your shoes are pretty sharp too.
你的钱肯定气炸了吧
Your cash has gotta be just a little ticked off.
我兜里有十块
I got a $10 bill in my pocket
准备朝人脸上扔了呢
that's ready to slap the hell outta somebody.
霍夫斯特先生 楼上的人在等你了
Mr. Hoffstetter, they're ready for you upstairs.