洋葱电影（2008）

用我倾注了信任的挎刀 打败剑圣和吃人的魔鬼
smiting orcs and ogres alike with my trusty, broad sword.
是无敌的普罗迪斯吗
[animalistic growl]
[ominous music plays *]
[distorted voice] Proteous the Invincible?
我听到你的请求了
I've heard your plea.
什么?
Uh, oh, oh, oh, wh-what?
谁在那儿
Who Who goes there?
我是星际飞机的恶魔 盖加克斯
[distorted voice] It is I, Gonthax, demon of the astral plane.
我从没见过像你这样沉迷这个游戏的凡人
[Gonthax] Never before have I seen your equal on mortals that play this game.
怎么回事
What's going on?
伙计
Guys.
我决定成全你的愿望 无敌的普罗迪斯
[Gonthax] I have chosen to grant your wish, Proteous the Invisible.
把你送到传说的国度
Come forth into the land of legends.
[wolf howling]
上帝 我这是在哪儿
God, where am I?
[ominous music plays *]
哦
Ow!
哦 上帝 我在哪儿
Oh, God, where am I?
普罗迪斯
[Gothax] Proteous.
[growling]
准备吓得尿裤裆吧 人类
Prepare to piss thyself, human.
不要
[crying] No, no, no.
求你
Please.
跳梁小丑
Fucking geek.
在昨晚洛杉矶令人心碎的失利后
After last night's heartbreaking loss in Los Angeles,
球星德沙特·杰克逊 对上帝开骂
basketball star Dashante Jackson, had harsh words for the Lord.
知道吗 我要说今晚是上帝的错
You know, I would like to put the blame on God tonight.
他没有保佑我
For not blessing me with the talent
投中决定性的三分球
to hit the game with a three-pointer tonight.
要不然我就肯定能获得加时
You know what, without him, I would truly be going to the playoffs.
贱♥人♥ 你干吗这么对我
Bitch, I don't know why you do this shit to me.
[news jingle *]
来自首都的新闻
In news from our nation's capital,
一群老年痴呆症患者
a group of Alzheimer's Disease sufferers
今天来到华盛顿集♥会♥ 要求对薄饼进行治疗
marched on Washington today, demanding a cure for pancakes.
在茶壶得到治疗之前
Until this tea kettle is cured,
洗衣店里永远不会有足够的面包
there will never be enough bread in the laundry.
完全正确
[clapping] Ding dong!
空手道
Karate!
让他们下地狱吧
[clapping and cheering]
[* Melissa Cherry: "Shoot Your Love All Over Me"]
* It's been building up so long Yeah, yeah, yeah *
* And that feeling is oh, so strong *
* Oh So, baby *
* Shoot your love all over me
* Oh, drown me in a milky sea
* Love all over me
[old man wheezes] Oh!
* Two unite for eternity
* Oh, yeah, yeah
* When I look at you, baby
* I see a man who loves fun
* But could good is it to make locked away in that trunk *
* I don't need more roses
* Now that would be just breathless *
* The gift I want from you From you *
* Is my very own pearl necklace *
操蛋
Oh, shit.
* Shoot your love all over me
* Hey
* Drown me in a milky sea
* Love all over me
* Oh, baby *
[news jingle *]
嗨 我是麦克·博尔顿
Hi, I'm Michael Bolton.
你知道在全世界
Did you know that all over the world,
有千百万的孩子生活在 极度的贫困中吗
there are millions of children living in extreme poverty?
在过去40多年中 "孩子们怎么办"基金会已经为
For more than forty years, the What About The Children Foundation
第三世界的孩子的生活质量作出了改善
has been making a difference in the lives of kids throughout the Third World.
通过领养一个基金会指定赞助的孩子
And so can you,
你也可以加入这个队伍
by adopting a What About The Children sponsor child.
但别光听我说 看看迪波
But don't take my word for it. Take Dibo's.
你好 我是迪波
[**] Hello, I am Dibo.
跟我来
Come!
感谢"孩子们怎么办"基金会
[Michael Bolton] Thanks to What About The Children,
迪波现在的生活水平远远处在
Dibo has seen his standard of living
他所在的可怜的贫穷小镇之上
swell well above the level of his pathetic, poverty-stricken village.
"孩子们怎么办"基金会可以为像迪波
What About The Children Foundation
这样的孩子提供一些
is able to provide a child like Dibo,
我们认为理所当然要有的日常的小东西
with some of the little things in life, we so often take for granted.
谢谢 杰米
Thanks, G.
像电
[Michael Bolton] Like electricity,
新鲜的水
fresh drinking water,
室内自来水管
indoor plumbing,
一个42寸等离子屏幕的电视机
a 42-inch plasma screen television,
最新的索尼游戏
the latest Sony Playstation videogame,
埃及棉织就的床单
1,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets,
订阅华尔街日报
a subscription to "The Wall Street Journal"
马克·雅可布男士春季新款T恤
and selections from Marc Jacobs' Men Spring collection.
[bing]
[alarm]
[intruder grunts]
找你自己的赞助家庭去
Get your own fucked up family!
[beeping]
[alarm turns off]
感谢迈考·密克送给我的安保系统 把这些动物隔绝在外
Thank goodness the McCormick's sent me a security system to kept these animals out.
谢谢 迪波
Thank you, Dibo.
这样的故事让我们觉得赞助是值得的
It's stories like yours that make it all worthwhile.
[news jingle *]
现在有一条插播新闻 由戴娜·波波斯在河岸悬崖为您直播
In breaking news, we now join Dana Dobbs in Lakeshore Bluff.
对蒂姆·西肖安案刚刚有了判决结果
Where a verdict has just been handed down in the Timothy Shanaham trial.
戴娜 现在情势怎样了
Dana, what's the latest on the situation?
好的 诺姆 正如你看到的
Well Norm, as you can see,
我现在在第一地方联邦法♥院♥的门口
I'm here outside the First District Federal Courthouse,
一群黑鬼 发生暴♥乱♥抗♥议♥
where this angry mob of Negroes
对蒂姆·西肖安的有罪宣判
is rioting over the guilty verdict in the Timothy Shanaham case.
[shouting]
我们会继续跟进报道
We will keep you posted.
谢谢 戴娜
[Norman] Thanks, Dana.
谢谢 诺姆
Thank you, Norm.
这帮疯狂的黑鬼
Those crazy Negroes.
[* Melissa Cherry: "Take Me From Behind" plays on TV]
[knocking]
进来
Enter.
打扰 将军 您的会议快开始了
Pardon me, General. Your meeting's about to start.
啊
Ah.
所以就像你看到的 将军
So as you can see, generals.
戴斯科生产的的M-47弹跳强尼地雷
Death Co amalgamated's M47 Jumping Johnny landmine
在实地实验中取得了三A等级
earned a triple A-rating, in field trials
杀伤率高达98%
and boasts a 98% kill-through ratio.
这种地雷对政♥府♥而言性价比极高
Making it the best landmine for the government's dollar.
不
Nah.
我们不需要
We're gonna pass.
还是谢谢你
Thanks, anyway.
[car not starting] [engine turning]
[sad piano music plays *]
[**]
去你♥妈♥的♥
[screams] Fuck!
去你♥妈♥的♥
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
去你♥妈♥的♥
Fuck!
去你♥妈♥的♥
Fuck... fuck!
去你♥妈♥的♥
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
去你♥妈♥的♥
Fuck, fuck... [silently crying]
你这样也算是一个销♥售♥人员吗
You call yourself a salesman?
公♥司♥投入了4000亿为军队
We spent 400 billion dollars in the company's money
开♥发♥地雷
developing these landmines for the military.
你最好能想办法卖♥♥掉这些货
You better find a way to unload this things!
[**]
厌倦了院子里繁重的工作吗
[infomercial announcer] Tired of backbreaking yard work?
那就使用
[bing] Then jump back!
弹跳强尼吧
For Jumping Johnny!
弹跳强尼 把野草炸无踪
Jumping Johnny blasts weeds to pieces,
除豚草
brags ragweed,
其他杂草
crabgrass,
蒲公英
dandelions,
兔子
and rabbits,
浣熊
raccoons,
甚至大象
even elephants!
你还在等什么
So, what are you waiting for? [bing]
今天就来买♥♥弹跳强尼
Get Jumping Johnny today!
[news jingle *]
现在进入我们的每周励志人物节目