洋葱电影（2008）

That's about, how like, when you're in love,
你只想让爱意遍及全身
you just want to be covered in it.
* 把爱射满我全身 *
[* Melissa Cherry: "Shoot Your Love All Over Me"]
* 把我淹没在乳白的海洋里 *
* Oh, drown me in a milky sea
* 爱意遍布我 *
* Love all over me
但显然 影带似乎说的是另一种故事
Clearly, the video seems to be tell a different story.
哪一种故事
What kind is that?
精♥液♥喷射那种 - 我是个处♥女♥呢
The kind with ah, cum shot.
[Melissa] I'm a virgin!
怎会知道颜♥射♥是什么
How would I know what a facial is?
有时我喜欢在影带里打扮的很性感...
Sometimes, I like dressing up sexy in my videos
那只是我赞美身为女人的方式
but that's just my way of celebrating being a woman.
你知道 人们总想狠狠打击你...
You know, people are always gonna try to tear you down,
但那是他们的问题 不是我的
but that's their problem, not mine.
因为我知道梅丽莎·切瑞是怎样的人
Because I know who Melissa Cherry is.
她是个来自田纳西州 心地善良 思想守旧的乡下姑娘
She's just a good, old-fashioned country girl from Monroe, Tennessee.
* 宝贝*
[news jingle plays *]
教皇今天对另外三种腺体大加谴责...
The Pope condemned three more glands today,
使人体罪恶荷尔蒙分泌管道...
bringing the total number of sinful hormones secretion ducts on the human body to 11.
总数达到十一条
[swoosh]
国际新闻...
In international news, [squeaking]
索拉维亚和阿兹米尼斯坦 两国关系继续恶化...
relations between Sloravia and Azmenistan continued to deteriorate
当阿兹米尼斯坦的... 叛军... 抓住了
when Asmenistany rebels seized--
环球金字塔影业 我们专为您提供服务
[penguin playing fanfare *]
[squeaking]
嘿 诺姆
[co-worker] Hey, Norm.
[suspenseful music plays *]
嘿 诺姆
[coworker #2] Hey, Norm! Okay.
诺姆又来啦 - 看来气疯了
[coworker #3] Oh, there goes Norm again.
[coworker #4] Probably pissed.
[**]
[intense music plays *]
[multiple phones ring]
洋葱热♥线♥ 你有什么线索吗
嘿 诺姆 怎么啦
Oh, hey, Norm. What's up?
嘿 诺姆
Hey, Norman.
那到底是什么鬼东西
What the hell was that?
我们还准备跟你说的呢
We'd ah, been meaning to talk to you about that, um.
它是环球宝宝 环球金字塔企鹅
It's Globby. [squeak]
环球金字塔公♥司♥的人认为...
It's the Global Tetrahedron penguin.
以这种方式在新闻里插入广♥告♥
The folks at Global Tetrahedron thought he'd be, you know, fun, unobtrusive way
既不唐突又搞笑
to plug the company during the news.
另外 你得承认这企鹅真♥他♥妈♥可爱
Plus you gotta admit, he's pretty fucking cute.
嗨 诺姆
[squeak] [in a high-pitched voice] Hi, Norm!
谁是全世界最棒的主播
Who's the best anchorman in the whole world?
是您啊
You are.
别这样 诺姆
Come on, Norman.
你得与时俱进啊
You gotta get with the times, mate.
诺姆啊 如今搭卖♥♥广♥告♥没什么稀奇的
This kind of tie-ins are commonplace this days.
这叫协同增效 诺姆
[in a high-pitched voice] It's called synergy, Norm.
我们不能在新闻播报时间...恬不知耻的给母公♥司♥打广♥告♥
We cannot have a shameless ad for our parent company running during the newscast.
这是对新闻道德
[squeak] It's a blatant compromise
和新闻声誉的露骨亵渎
of our journalistic ethics and integrity.
对不起 只是
Sorry, it's just that, um.
老兄 你刚才说的...
You know, what-what you're saying--
就是一堆屎嘛 还热乎呢 老兄
It's just a steaming pot of shit, mate.
听着诺姆
Norm, listen.
你想说的是
What he's trying to say is it's ah, uh--
是 - 荒唐滑稽
It's... [**]
[infomercial announcer] ...hilarious!
挑战传统
It's off-the-wall!
粗俗粗糙 未经审查
It's rude, crude and uncensored.
是巴德施瓦茨明星餐会的精华所在
It's the very best of "Bud Schwartz's Celebrity Roast."
罗利应该得了癌症去死
Rawley Ingersoll should get cancer and die!
[percussion sting] [laughter]
商界的头面人物
[infomercial announcer] All the top names in the business
居然相互生事
turn out to give each other the business.
杰克莫顿 你是个该死的混♥蛋♥
Jack Morton, you're a fucking asshole.
[percussion sting] [laughter]
意想不到的事层出不穷
You'll get all the zingers.
操你的
Fuck you!
伺机报复的事
All the comebacks.
吃我的老二吧
Suck my dick! [boing]
[whistling]
只要花上十九块九毛九 整本收录的
[infomercial announcer] For just $99.99, you'll get the full length video
巴德施瓦茨明星餐会的精华将直接送到您家门口
of the best of "Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roast" delivered straight to your door.
先别急
But wait!
如果十五分钟内用信♥用♥卡♥订购
If you order by credit card in the next 15 minutes,
还能得到另一张影碟 看明星是怎么扭转局势 非难质问巴德本人的
we'll thrown in a second video where the stars turn the tables and roast Bud himself.
知道我怎么看你的吗
You know what I think you are?
他妈的一堆屎
A fucking piece of shit!
[percussion sting] [laughter]
影碟每月更新
New tapes will arrive every other month.
留下喜欢的
Keep only those you like
退回剩下的还能获得全额退款
and return the rest for a full refund! [bell dings]
今天就订购吧
Order today!
我♥干♥过他老婆
I fucked his wife!
还是肛♥交♥呢
In the ass!
[whistling]
老天
Oh!
[jazz music ends]
[infomercial announcer] More "Onion News" after this.
[dramatic music plays *]
环球金字塔公♥司♥出品
[film narrator] From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
史蒂文西格尔就是捣鸡鸡大侠
Steven Seagal is "Cockpuncher".
[hard rock music plays *]
太棒了
Awesome!
[gunshots in background]
腐坏堕落的西方垃圾
Decadent, immoral, Western film!
[**]
噢
Oh!
[gunshots]
[faint screaming]
帅呆了
Awesome!
[**]
腐坏堕落的西方垃圾
Decadent, immoral, Western film!
捣鸡鸡大侠
[film narrator] "Cockpuncher."
[television static]
[zing] [Middle Eastern music plays *]
[whoosh]
欢迎来到鸡弟恐♥怖♥分♥子♥大队
[narrator] Welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team,
看过培训影碟
this training video will teach you:
你就知道该叫嚣哪条口号♥
what angry slogans to scream,
渎神的王八蛋去死吧
[screams in foreign language]
怎么混入一座典型的美国城市
[narrator] how to blend-in to a typical American city,
对对对
[laughs] Yeah.
还有更多资讯
[training video narrator] and so much more.
这是阿穆德和阿曼
Here are Ahmed and Ahman.
虽说可能是亲兄弟 实际上却天差地别
They may be brothers, but they couldn't be more different.
阿穆德知道守时很重要
Ahmed knows punctuality is important.
每次都保证到达爆♥炸♥地点的时间很充裕
He made sure to leave plenty of time to get to his bombing site.
渎神的王八蛋去死吧
[shouting in foreign language]
[ding]
阿曼做什么事都要等最后一分钟
Ahman leaves everything to the last minute.
该死
[Ahman] Oh, shit!
[buzzer]
阿穆德每次都反复检查地址是否正确
[training video narrator] Ahmed double-checks the address of the bombing site,
保证行动万无一失
so they are no mistakes. [bing]
阿曼却不是
Ahman doesn't.
该死
[Ahman] Oh, shit!
[buzzer]
阿穆德工作时着装得体
[training video narrator] Ahmed dresses properly for work,
穿宽松的衣服掩饰炸♥弹♥
wearing clothing [bing] that is loose enough to hide his explosives.
阿曼穿着不当
Ahman dresses inappropriately. [buzzer]
噢
Oh!
别忘了 作为烈士...
[training video narrator] And don't forget, as a martyr,
你和你的一百位亲人都将在天堂获得永生
you'll receive the eternal life in paradise for you and 100 of your relatives.
你还有幸和七十二名处♥女♥大战无数回合
You'll be blessed with unlimited sex from 72 virgins.
爽呆了 - 还加上三十五美元和许多大♥麻♥
Awesome!
[fairytale dust sound] $35 U.S. dollars and a bunch more weed.
好棒呀 - 欢迎来到鸡弟恐♥怖♥分♥子♥大队
Awesome!
[narrator] So welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team.
工作只有爆♥炸♥
Where work is truly a blast. [bong]
[bing]
[Middle Eastern music plays *]
[error buzz]
该死
Oh, shit.
[beep] [beep]