洋葱电影（2008）

你一定是的啦
Oh, I bet you do!
该说故事了
Okay, time to spin!
茱莉
Whoa. Julie.
什么
Uh? What?
我知道这是你的初体验...
I know this is your first time,
但你得表现得像被狠狠强♥奸♥了
but you're not acting very raped.
好
Okay.
不不 茱莉 你不能站起来 你刚刚被强♥奸♥了
Oh, no, no, Julie. You can't stand up, you just been raped!
强♥奸♥犯用棒球棍打碎了你的髋骨
Uh, yeah, the rapist has shattered your pelvis with a baseball bat.
我要走了
Um, I'm leaving.
什 什么
Wha--? What?
你上哪儿去
Where are you going?
茱莉 回来
Shouldn't-- Come--
茱莉
Julie! What?
现在怎么办
Now, what?
我想你们几个只能强♥奸♥我了
I guess you guys are just gonna have to rape me.
[guests laugh] Not me.
噢 不 请别强♥奸♥我
["How to Host a Rape" recording plays in background *]
太妃糖
Taffy.
老天 该死的黑人
God-fucking blacks! Uh!
新型聚会游戏势不可挡
[news jingle *]
我国反香烟游说集团今天又胜一局...
The nation's anti-tobacco lobby won another victory today,
国会通过立法 除了爱荷华州的一间房♥...
when Congress passed legislation restricting smoking within U.S. borders,
在美国境内禁止吸烟
to a single room in Iowa.
吸烟者争先恐后去小房♥间...
Traffic was backed-up from Nevada all the way to Iowa,
导致从内华达到爱荷华的交通水泄不通
as smokers tried to get to the lounge. [cars honking]
开车 操♥你♥妈♥的老婊♥子♥
Move the car, you old, fucking bitch!
吸烟者不惜长途跋涉赶到...
Smokers from across the country are making the long journey
爱荷华州那间十平方米大的吸烟室去
to the ten by ten smokers' lounge in Des Moines, Iowa.
我趁午饭时间开车
I drove all the way from San Francisco
从旧金山来就是要吸上一口
just to sneak a smoke-in on my lunch break.
我本该十分钟内就回去工作的
I'm supposed to be back at work in ten minutes.
开了三十七个小时车
It's 37 hour drive.
真是放屁
It's fucking bullshit.
法律新闻
In legal news,
法官判定当地一位谋杀嫌疑犯...
a judge has declared local aerobics instructor
健美教练珍妮弗·波特因身材
and accused murderer, Jennifer Porter,
太好而不宜出庭受审
"too fit to stand trial."
法官爱德华·科林称该疑犯...
Judge Edwards Collin, said that the suspect,
腹肌坚实扁平 大腿结实有力...
with her washboard abs and powerful leg muscles
身体太健美...不可能杀死旧情人
is of "too-sound body" to be tried for the killing of her ex-lover.
[man on TV] We're the new guys in town.
我们在小便 美国的阴♥茎♥康复专家
We're Peen-out. America's penis recovery professionals.
肌肉定位，托马斯·米勒
Local sculptor, Thomas Miller,
被女权主义者的领导人抨击，因为他们把女人变成了物体
is under fire by feminist leaders for turning women into objects.
这个雕塑被称为
The sculpture, who has been called
妇女权利活动家的性别歧视者、客观化的猪
a sexist, objectifying pig, by women's rights activists,
据报道有超过80名女性
has reported to turn more than 80 women
变成静默的大理石雕塑
into silent, passive, marble sculptures.
[ominous music plays *]
根据本月《得梅因医学杂♥志♥》的一篇报道
According to a report in this month's issue of the Des Moines' Journal of Medicine--
[paper rustling]
[music raises in volume *]
[squeaks]
[**]
[music ends abruptly] [heavy breathing]
根据一项新的医学研究...
[Norman Archer] According to a new medical study,
失败者得的抑郁症最严重
depression hits losers hardest.
该研究发现那些彻底失败...
The study found that extreme, debilitating depression,
一事无成的人通常深受...
most commonly afflicts those who are total screw-ups.
极为严重的抑郁症折磨
Who can't do anything right.
[news jingle *]
[* Melissa Cherry: "Down On My Knees"]
准备好了吗 哦噢
* Are you ready ?
* 宝贝 你的吻让我心跳漏了一拍 *
* Baby when we kiss My heart just skips a beat *
* 牵着我的手让我几乎失语 *
* And when you hold my hand, Oh, I can hardly speak *
* 但是有一种爱我们无法面对面的做 *
* But there's one kind of loving that you can't do face to face *
* 让我给你腰部以下一些爱的缱绻 *
* Let me give you some affection just below your waist *
就是那样
* Oh, yeah [hippie] I like that.
* 噢 让我为你双膝跪地*
* I'm down by my knees for you
* 向你哀哀祈求 *
* I'm begging this please, for you *
* 噢 浓浓的爱意 我要表明 *
* Got so much love I need to show it *
* 要紧事可不想吹了 *
* It's a big job, Don't want to blow it *
* 是的 噢 是的 *
* Oh, yeah
* 噢 *
* Oh, yeah
* 噢 *
* Oh
* 宝贝 *
* Baby
* 宝贝我双膝跪地 ** 哀哀祈求 *
* Down on my knees, begging please, please *
环球金字塔公♥司♥出品
[film narrator] From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
史蒂文西格尔是
Stephen Seagal is--
嘿 欢迎光临伏特村
Hey! - Welcome to Vault Village.
我是德克
My name is Derrick.
有什么能为你效劳的吗
What can I help you find today?
嘿 德克
Hey Derrick!
我的电脑...已经用了几年了
Um, my computer is a few years old
我觉得是该换个新的时候了
and I thought I'm ready for a new one.
正有你要的
I got just the thing.
贝茨 4000
The Bates 4,000.
绝对引领潮流
Absolute cutting edge.
老兄 这些宝贝周四才到货
This babies came in on Tuesday.
配置丰富
They're packed, man.
八十G的内存
80 G's of RAM
意味着每平方英寸九百个处理器...
We're talking a quad port 900 processor,
D.V.K. 压缩记忆卡...双面DVD 刻录机...
D.B.K. compatible memory card, dual-burning DVD drives,
加上一万六千转的 C.T.C光驱....
plus a 16,000 C.T.C. combo drive
配有四位数升级卡
with a plus four digital upgrade card.
这会让你乐得大小便失禁的
This will knock the shit out of your ass.
我只是想买♥♥基本简单的家用电脑
Well, I'm just looking for your basic, simple, home computer.
我晓得 你老婆把钱袋子卡得死死的 但你知道吗
I know, your wife has you by the purse strings, but you know what?
这可是贝茨4000 不会有比这更好的了
This is the Bates 4,000, it doesn't get any better than this.
不会再有突破了
It's not going anywhere.
这就是未来
This is the future.
我有贝茨1000 它运行得...
Well, I have the Bates 1,000 and that works--
不好意思 你有贝茨1000
[Derrick] Oh, excuse me. You have the Bates 1,000?
太好了 操 老兄
Oh, that's great! Fuck man, wow!
也许你该告诉外无家可归的妇女
You know, maybe you should talk to a homeless woman outside
也许她会觉得很羡慕
'cause maybe she'll be impressed.
那些东西太原始了
Those things are barbaric.
我上次看的时候 连删除键都没有
I mean, last time I checked, they didn't even have a delete key on it.
当然开玩笑的
I'm-I'm joking, of course.
但是听着 这就是未来 懂吗
But look, this the future. You get my point?
懂了 - 好吗
Yeah. - Okay?
这就开单给你吧
Let's write you up.
好 就这么办
All right. Let's do it.
好吧 我的朋友
All right, my friend.
亲爱的
Wow, honey.
你确定要这么个花俏的东西吗
Are you sure we need such a fancy one?
开玩笑 这东西每平方英寸有九百个处理器...
Yeah, this thing's got a quad port 900 processor
一万六千转的C.T.D.光驱
and a 16,000 C.T.D. combo drive with a--
老兄 你不是还在用贝茨4000吧
[young coworker on TV] Dude, you're still not using the Bates 4,000, are you?
太古老了
[chuckles] That thing's ancient.
真的 - 真的
[older coworker] Really? [younger coworker] Really.
你得给自己弄台这个
You gotta get you one of these...
贝茨5000
[**] the Bates 5,000.
绝对领先潮流
Absolute cutting edge.
哇 果然要新一些
[older coworker] Wow! That is newer.
谢谢
Thanks!
[clicks tongue]
新型贝茨5000
[announcer] The new Bates 5,000!
把4000扔掉吧
Throw your 4,000 away.
那就是堆屎
It's a piece of shit.
[futuristic music plays *]
我是硬盘哈尔
[radio jingle *] * Hard Drive Hal
你的电脑专家
[radio announcer] This is Hard Drive Hal, your computer expert.
今天的来宾是贝茨的总裁 比尔·贝茨
My guest today is Bates CEO, Gil Bates.
他今天来谈谈 迄今为止最强大的机器
Now, he's here to talk about perhaps the most powerful machine ever built--