洋葱电影（2008）

冷静
Chill.
保持冷静
Let's take a chill pill here.
你们俩没意识到无论看起来多么有理
Don't you guys realize that,
战争都不是问题
war no matter how justified it may seem,
的答案吗
is not the answer.
不是吗?
It's not?
当然不是 老兄
No, man.
爱才是答案
Love is the answer.
那么
Now.
让我们开始和平的勾当
Let's get this peace shit started.
[folk music plays *] [water gurgling]
* 一个婴儿降生 一个老人死去 *
* A baby is born An old man dies *
* 一个孩子在笑 另一个孩子在哭 *
* One child's laughing while another one cries *
* 季节在我眼前交替 *
* Seasons change right before my eyes *
[**]
* 太阳升起来太阳落下去 *
* Sun comes up The sun goes down *
* 世界又开始了新一轮的旋转 *
* The world takes another spin around *
* 涨潮 退潮 *
* Tide goes out Tide goes in *
* 生活在继续 永不停歇 *
* Life goes on, on again *
[**]
老兄 别再那边猛吸了
[speaking foreign language]
别说疯话 让我再爽一会
再爽? 你把我的整袋都抽完了
我抽的又不是你们阿兹米尼斯坦的大♥麻♥ 你们的口感像屁♥股♥ 又呛人
屁♥股♥? 我的大♥麻♥可是最高级的 老兄
他们不踢你那懒阿兹米尼斯坦肥屁♥股♥ 你压根不知道啥是高级
你说谁懒肥屁♥股♥? 我现在就来踢你的肥屁♥股♥ 婊♥子♥
你叫谁婊♥子♥ 你这娘娘腔
国际新闻...
[**] In international news,
因为两国领导的不和
the crisis between Sloravia and Azmenistan deepened today
索拉维亚 和阿兹米尼斯坦的冲突加剧
when the leaders of the two rival nations-- [squeaking]
嗨 美国人
[in a high-pitched voice] Hey America!
准备好 捣鸡鸡啦
Get ready to... punch some cock!
[Kiai] [fanfare] [rooster grunts]
捣鸡鸡大侠 周五上映
[squeaking] [fanfare ends]
明天是索拉维亚撤出乌兹巴各亚克 的最后期限
Tomorrow is the deadline for Sloravia to pull out of the Uzbagiyak region.
[elevator bell rings]
如果不把它作为我们的主题 我就辞职
If it's not our lead story, consider it my resignation.
捣鸡鸡大侠 马尼亚
[rapidly] "Cockpuncher" mania.
[suspenseful music plays *]
[**]
还有两分钟 诺姆
Two minutes, Norm.
[**]
[news jingle *]
现在播出洋葱新闻
[announcer] And now, "The Onion News,"
美国最棒的新闻来源 亲爱的 要开始了
America's Finest News Source. - Honey, it's about to start.
本期节目由戴娜·波波斯...
[announcer] Featuring Dana Dobbs,
资深记者基普·肯戴尔...
Senior Correspondent, Kepp Kendalls,
以及获奖主播诺姆·阿奇共同主持
and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer.
晚上好
[Norman Archer] Good evening.
我已经在这张桌子上坐了27个年头了
For the past 27 years, I sat at this desk,
期间 我尽心尽力为美国人♥民♥
dedicating myself to one thing,
提供最公正 公平
delivering the news to you, the American viewing public,
严谨的新闻
in the most fair, balanced, serious way possible.
他在干吗
What's he doing?
但现在新闻的游戏规则变了
[Norman Archer] Well. Things are changing in the news game.
我也处在跟他们一起改变
And I've been under pressure to change with them.
的压力下
Desperate to stay one step ahead of the competition,
这个机构的上司
the powers that be at this network
想尽办法让我
have done everything they can to get me to compromise my values.
违背我的价值观
To attract more of those precious, Nielsen eyeballs.
他们想让我♥干♥吗呢
And once I get those eyeballs, what do they want me to do?
推荐我们母公♥司♥的电影
Plug our parent company's movies and other products
还有一些一文不值的网络小道新闻
like a two bit, network news whore.
这烂人
Motherfucker!
当然
Well.
我对这项丑恶的事业想了很多
I've been giving this whole, ugly business a lot of thought.
就在我今晚进入演播间的前一刻 我终于得出了结论
In just a few moments before going on the air tonight, I finally came to a conclusion.
我的结论是...
And that conclusion is--
都别动
[ominous music plays *] [Ahmed] Nobody move!
否则就枪毙阿奇
Or the anchor infidel dies!
奥特库泰尔恐怖组织 现在正式向颓废的缺乏道德的
The Al-Q'Utaya Terrorists' Organization officially declares war
美国恶魔宣战
on the decadent, immoral, United States of Satan.
鄙视你们国家
[Ahman] We shit on your country!
在你们头上尿尿
And piss also!
说得不错
[Ahmed] It was good.
今晚 在直播节目中
Tonight, on live television, the American people will watch
美国人将看着这个优秀的西方谎言的
this great spreader of Western lies get blown into pieces.
传播者被轰成碎片
Cutting the cameras.
[sword slash] [ominous music plays *]
除非美国政♥府♥为他的无♥耻♥文化
Unless, the United States government formally apologizes
作出正式道歉
for it's rotting, immoral culture.
从中东撤军
And withdraws all troops from the Middle East.
好像是真的呢
Like that's gonna happen.
你在听吗
Are you listening...
总统先生
... Mr. President?
情况不妙 先生
We might be fucked, sir.
我们说到做到
[Ahmed on TV] We will do it.
我们就杀了他
We will kill him right here,
如果不满足我们的要求
if you do not meet our demands.
是吗
Oh, yeah?
[dramatic music plays *]
我想你没有蛋蛋
I don't think you have the balls.
捣鸡鸡大侠
Cockpuncher!
阿曼
Ahmed.
这是威力巨大的捣鸡鸡大侠
It is the mighty puncher of cocks!
你能加入我们真是太好了
How nice of you to join us...
喷射器
... Cockpuncher.
我们一直在等你
[Ahmed] We've been expecting you.
请允许我介绍一下基♥地♥组♥织♥
Allow me to introduce the Al-Q'Utaya Terrorist Organization.
[**]
我饿了
[Stephen Seagal] I'm hungry.
我一会要一只撒了 碎果仁的圣代冰淇淋了
I could sure go for a Sunday topped with...
碎螺母
... crushed nuts.
好味道
Yummy!
[**]
打飞他
Come on, Cockpuncher!
打他们
Go get them!
[**]
加油
Give him a rock!
[dramatic music ends]
我相信你现在该放了诺姆了
I believe you will be releasing Norm now.
不会那么快结束的 捣鸡鸡大侠
Not so fast... Cockpuncher.
[ominous music plays *]
[gasps]
蛋蛋防护?
Cockblocked.
[Ahmed laughs]
真是聪明
The clever terrorist.
他们防护好了蛋蛋
They blocked their cocks.
也许我能帮上点忙
Maybe I can be of some assistance?
梅丽莎·切瑞
You don't want to hurt Norm.
Melissa Cherry!
You don't wanna hurt America. [patriotic music plays *]
This is the greatest, gosh darned country in the whole, wide world.
Oh, she is--
Denis, give me a drink.
Where else can you take a shot at our dreams and make them come true?
Where else can you take a stand for what's right?
And change millions of minds.
And most importantly, where else can you take me from behind?
Hit it boys!
[* Melissa Cherry: "Take Me From Behind"]
* 当你从前面爱我的时候
* Oh, when you love me [singing non-lexical vocables]
你知道我不介意 *
* You know that I don't mind
* 但我真希望
* What I really want is for you *
你能从后面来 *
* to take me from behind, yeah *
*当你从前面爱我的时候
* And when you want me [singing non-lexical vocables]
你知道我不介意 *
* You know that I don't mind
* 但我真希望你 *
* Oh, and what I really want is for you...
加油 切瑞
Come on, Cherry.
哦 耶
[singing non-lexical vocables]
他妈的发生了什么?
What the fuck is going on?
* Oh
* And when you love me [singing non-lexical vocables]
* You know that I don't mind No, no *
* What I really want is for you to take me from behind *
* Yeah, and when you love me [singing non-lexical vocables]
* You know that I don't mind Oh *
* And what I really want is for you to take me from behind *
* Oh, yeah, I don't mind...
阿曼
Ahman!
想想能禁欲的东西
Think unsexy thoughts!