洋葱电影（2008）

我 不 "瑞奇"
Uh, me no rikey.
请
And...
回到电影主题
...back to the film.
再来看法律新闻
In legal news,
一个叫乔伊·弗兰克的当地18岁男孩
local 18-year-old, Joey Franco,
为在工作场所的被性骚扰权起诉
is suing for the right to be sexually harassed in the workplace.
弗兰克是凤♥凰♥城卡尔复印店的一名员工
Franco, an employee of Carl's coffeeshop in Phoenix,
宣称在他工作三年内
alleged that during his three years there,
从没一个女性同事为其 提供不恰当的性机会
not a single female coworker made inappropriate sexual advances toward him.
无论是口头的还是生理的
Either verbal, or physical.
[swoosh]
在下则新闻中 健康部门官员已确认 一种可能致命的 且能借空气传播的病菌
In other news, health officials have confirmed that a potentially airborne virus
已漫步整个加拿大东部
[squeaking] has been spreading across eastern Canada.
现在正向南移♥动♥...捣鸡鸡大侠 本周五院线隆重上演
And is now moving South towards the coast of-- [fanfare]
看了之后变成真男人
[squeaking] [fanfare]
[squeaking]
[boing]
嘿 诺姆
[coworker #1] Hey Norm!
[suspenseful music plays *]
嘿 诺姆
[coworker #2] Hey, Norm! Okay.
哦 诺姆又来了 - 他看上去气疯了
[coworker #3] Oh, there goes Norm again.
[coworker #4] Probably pissed.
[**]
[intense music plays *]
[multiple phones ring]
洋葱热♥线♥ 你有什么线索吗
听我说 - 嗨 诺姆
All right, listen to me. - Hi, Norm.
我们的工作不是用一只呆企鹅给 我们母公♥司♥的电影打广♥告♥
Our job isn't to advertise our parent company's movie via a goddamned penguin.
而是向美国人♥民♥提供
Our job is to deliver to the American people,
公正的 中立的 热点新闻
fair, balanced, hard-hitting news.
在这个疯狂的世界里或许人们真正 能相信的新闻来源只剩"洋葱"了
In this crazy world, "The Onion" may be the only news source that people can truly trust.
看开点 诺姆
Oh, don't be so naive, Norman.
这是个生意
This is a business.
[golf putt hits ball]
[squeak]
听我说
Listen to me.
诺姆 我知道你不爱听这个
I know you're not gonna want to hear this,
但环球金字塔公♥司♥
but the suits of Global Tetrahedron
希望本周五的播报能换成
want you to open up Friday's broadcast
另一种稍微不同的主题
with a slightly different lead story.
哇
Wha--?
但周五是阿兹米尼斯坦给索拉维亚...
But Friday is the day Azmenistan gave Sloravia
设置的撤出乌兹巴各亚克地区的到期日
as a deadline for pulling out of the Uzbagiyak region.
就也是捣鸡鸡大侠播放的时间
That's also the day that "Cockpuncher" opens.
那些阿兹米尼斯坦人的烂事
I mean, this Asmenistany [mumbles] grand thing
是很好 对吗
is all well and good, right?
但这离我们有几百万公里远
But it's million miles away.
没人会他妈的关心这个
Nobody gives a fuck about it.
当下捣鸡鸡大侠才是当红炸子鸡
The more important news story right now, is "Cockpuncher" mania.
它现在正席卷全国呢
It's sweeping the nation.
它最好也席卷你周五的新闻节目
And it better sweep your newscast, Friday.
来一杆吗
Take a putt.
不要?
No?
[ominous music plays *]
你欠我一英镑 婊♥子♥养♥的♥ 上一次是我做的
You owe me a pound, you son of a bitch, I made that last one.
[film narrator] From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
是史蒂文·西格尔 - 彪悍
Stephen Seagal is "Cockpuncher." [bartender] Awesome!
该死的放荡的群架
You damn, whorish, corporate plugs.
我是个新闻工作者 该死的
I'm a newsman, dammit.
[bartender] Oh!
捣鸡鸡大侠 - 我想你没有蛋蛋
[film announcer] "Cockpuncher"
[Stephen Seagal] I don't think you have the balls.
我等不及到周五了
[bartender] Oh, I cannot wait for Friday.
[bus boy grunts] [bartender laughs]
打扰 先生
[bartender] Excuse me, sir.
你想来点什么
What can I get you?
不 谢谢
Uh, no, thank you.
我不想喝酒 或是为了那种事用药
I don't drink or use drugs, for that matter.
不
No.
我只想问一下去这里的图书馆怎么走
I was just wondering if you could give me directions to the local library.
过两条街区 然后左转第二个房♥子
Um, two blocks down and a left on Second.
非常感谢你。你今晚过得很愉快
Thank you very much. You have a wonderful evening.
嗯
Hmm-mmm.
没事吧
[busboy grunts] [bartender] Are you okay?
[bartender laughs]
谢谢 祝您有个愉快的傍晚
Thank you. You have a wonderful evening.
[zipper unzips]
[groaning quietly]
[quietly] Ah, fuck!
救我
Help.
[swoosh]
你曾经把小♥弟♥弟♥卡在图书馆的还书槽里吗
Has your penis become stuck in a library book return slot?
[**]
呼叫"克斯特"吧 小♥弟♥弟♥专家 我们专为您提供这方面的服务
Call Kostman's. The Penis People.
[bing]
我们的服务横跨三国 在解放小♥弟♥弟♥方面有着6♥4♥年的经验
We've been a tri-county area's penis retrieval experts for 6♥4♥ years.
花39.35美元 我们能把任何人的 小♥弟♥弟♥从任何槽中解放出来
We'll get any penis out of any slot for $39.95.
这是我的个人保证
That's my personal guarantee.
所以 不要坐等你的小♥弟♥弟♥会 魔术般得自己出来
So don't just sit there, hoping your penis will somehow, magically free itself.
叫"克斯特"吧
Call Kostman's. [bing]
戴夫把我的小♥弟♥弟♥
They got my penis out.
解放出来了
They got my penis out.
[speaking Spanish]
戴夫把我的小♥弟♥弟♥解放出来了
They've got my penis out.
戴夫把我们的小♥弟♥弟♥解放出来了
[all] They got all our penises out.
"克斯特" 为你的小♥弟♥弟♥服务
[commercial announcer] Kostman's, the Penis People.
这周的战斗将会白热化
This week's campaign is gonna rule!
我简直等不及在城♥堡♥的龙之 火炬坛上的战斗了
I can't wait for the assault on Castle Dragon Flame.
我理解 那将是无比彪悍
I know, it's gonna be super, totally awesome!
我有一个三♥级♥精灵传道士
I have a third-level Elven Cleric,
我等不及要去陷阵杀敌了
I can't wait to pit against my foes.
不用想太美了
Yeah, well uh, don't count on being too awesome.
看看谁来了
Look who just showed up.
[fanfare music plays *]
我们在这儿迷惑什么呢
Well... what have we stumbled upon here?
倒霉
Oh, shit.
你们敢挑战无敌的普罗秋斯吗
Dare you challenge the mights of Proteous the Invincible?
我看到了有几个没长胡子的白♥痴♥小子将和
Ah.
我们度过这个下午
I see there are some beardless saplings with us this afternoon,
他们还没尝过我刀锋的威力
who've ne'er tasted my blade.
这个白♥痴♥会毁了一切的
This douchebag ruins everything.
准备好彻底的毁灭吧
Prepare for total devastation.
魔法术士擅长
The magical wizardry,
制♥造♥混沌
expert chaos, techniques,
而无敌的普罗迪斯那
and incomparable equipment roster.
无与伦比的设备看护人 会将妄图篡夺王位的人瞬间消灭
Proteous the Invincible will make short work of all pretenders to the throne.
好的 雷欧
Okay, Lial.
今天给年轻人一点机会
How's about letting some of the younger guys have a chance today?
好吗
Okay?
在术士和战斗怪的世界 我从不请求谁手下留情
When it comes to "Wizards and War Beasts,"
也不会对谁手下留情 好吧
I expect no quarter and none should be given!
我已经准备了今天到精灵世界里
Now that I've readied my provisions
劫掠的所有设备
for the day's foyer into the fairy realms,
[**]
让杀戮开始吧
let the slaughter begin!
[rock music plays *]
[Preteous laughs]
没人能在我面前站着
None remain standing before me.
在我的挎刀的威力面前
All have fallen before the might of my broad sword.
都要倒下
This is bullshit. I'm leaving.
希望你真的高兴 雷欧
I hope you're happy Lial.
你又在游戏中浪费了一个周六
You just ruined another Saturday for the whole gaming club.
谁会在乎那些弱者可怜的借口
What care I for the sniveling excuses of the weak?
他们在我的愤怒面前都要臣服
They shall bow before my wrath!
在幻想的领域 只有强者才能活到明天的战斗
In the realm of fantasy, only the strongest will survive to conquer another day.
随便了
Whatever.
唉...
Alas...
今天的冒险已经结束
The day's adventuring is now done
现在我要乘2路公车回去了
and I must take the number two bus back home.
要是我能永远生活在幻想的世界中
If only I could live in the world of fantasy forever.
而不是被迫回到这个平凡的现实世界
Instead of being forced to put up with this banal realm
和这些愚蠢的 意志薄弱的凡人呆在一起 该多好啊
and it's silly, weak-minded mortals.
我多么希望能生活在术士 和战斗怪的世界
Oh, how I wish I could live in the realm of "Wizards and War Beasts."
用武力发动战争一统大♥陆♥
Ruling the land as a mightly conqueror,