洋葱电影（2008）

It's now time for our weekly, inspirational portrait.
[uplifting music plays *]
这周为大家带来的是布莱登·拉瑞克斯的故事
[Norman Archer] This week, Brendan Laroux story.
这是一个关于梦想的故事
[Kip Kendall] Brendan Laroux's story is one of dreams.
小时候 他的梦想是成为一名舞者
As a young boy, he wanted to become a dancer.
但在12岁时他没了双腿
But at the age of 12, he lost his legs.
这对任何一个年轻人来说都是个打击
Now, this would be a setback for any youngster.
But while his lack of lower limbs
may have stopped him from walking,
they didn't stop him from pursuing his dream.
[film reel]
[Brendan Laroux] My whole life,
playing pro hockey is all I ever wanted to do.
And I was determined to do whatever it took to make it.
From age seven on, I practiced... every day.
People said I was crazy.
They said, you know, only people with legs can make it in pro hockey.
But I didn't let the naysayers get to me.
[Kip Kendall] In 1988, a 12-year-old Brendan got his first big break.
When he joined the Moose Jaw Bearcats junior boys' team.
[Brendan Laroux] People said the only reason I made the team,
was because the coach felt bad for me.
You know what?
That only made me more determined to succeed.
[melancholic music plays *]
但14岁时 他失去了手腕
[Kip Kendall] Two years later,
that determination would once again be put to the test
when doctors informed Brendan that...
he would have to have his wrists removed.
For that young man it was, a difficult but inspiring time.
没有手腕
Without my wrists, there was...
我的手和手臂之间就失去了连接 所以
nothing to keep my hands attached to my arms, so.
即使我的手是健康的 我也失去了他们
Even though my hands were fine, I... I lost them, too.
现在的布莱登比起其他男孩少了手和脚
Now, Brendan may not have had as many hands and legs as the other boys,
但他还是没有放弃另外一个梦想
but he more than made up for that with hard work and sweat.
他很快就跨过了初级军衔
He quickly moved through the junior ranks.
在1997年
And in 1997,
所有这些在他最终接到一个电♥话♥ 的时候都不重要了
he got the call he'd been waiting for his whole life.
教练对他说
The coach said,
你愿意做第一个失去双腿 和双手的冰球前锋吗
"How would you like to be Pearl Hockey's first legless, handless player?"
而我说
And I said,
教练，我是你的人
[voice breaking] "Coach, I'm your man.
我是你的人
I'm your man."
[**]
这是一个使人深受鼓舞的夜晚
[Kip Kendall] It was an inspiring night.
深受鼓舞的夜晚
Full of... inspiration.
可是两天后...
Then, two days later,
布莱登被检查出他的肋骨向后移位了 这使他的脊椎暴露在外
Brendan found out that his rib cage was backwards, leaving the spine exposed.
所以他不得不做一个全套肌肉移植手术
That he needed a complete, muscle transplant.
这个高风险的手术整整持续了720个小时
The risky surgery lasted 720 hours.
布莱登又以更好的状态回到了球场
Brendan came back better than ever.
布莱登坚持住了 他被选为最有价值球员
Brendan persevered and was selected MVP.
就在布莱登头上的乌云
Just when it seemed like the dark clouds had finally passed,
看上去终于消散了的时候
Brendan contracted scurvy,
他的签约球队破产了 他的妻子被狼吃了
went bankrupt and his wife was... eaten by wolves.
他自己也被他的叔叔杰瑞骚扰
He was also molested by his uncle Jerry.
今天 布莱登的人生旅程为 很多运动员打开了梦想之门
Today, Brendan's journey has opened the door for many athletes
如果不是布莱登打破了运动员的生理障碍
who never would've been given a chance
他们永远不可能有机会参与
if he hadn't broken down pro sports physical ability barrier.
比如艾玛·西斯科特 脑瘫患者
Athletes like Emma Heathcoat, cerebral palsy sufferer
获得了三次国内的马术冠军
and three-time National Equestrian champ.
[horse neighs]
盲人赛车手 鲍比·泰普雷顿
Blind stockcar driver, Bobby Templeton.
[engine turning]
[wheels screeching]
耳聋的奥林匹克短跑运动员 克里·考纳
Deaf Olympic sprinter, Craig Connors.
[gunshot]
[second gunshot]
[multiple gunshots]
吉尔·撒芮尼 世界上第一个昏睡状态的跳水运动员
Gil Sereman, the world's first professional comatose diver.
[**]
当然还有来自芝加哥的
And of course, Chicago's shooting guard, Herby Cohen,
犹太教投球手 赫比·考恩
who was born with Judaism.
[camera shutters]
而没有布莱登·拉瑞克斯
Yes, none of it would have been possible
就不会有他们 他是一个真正的励志人物
without Brendan Laroux, a true, inspirational portrait.
[uplifting music ends]
[swoosh]
接下来看成人娱乐业新闻
In adult entertainment industry news,
国内的艳星基于对更强更频繁的性♥交♥
the nation's porn stars gathered today in Los Angeles,
的一致要求今天在洛杉矶集♥会♥
in a unified demand for stronger, more intense sexual intercourse.
用你的大鸡鸡操♥我♥
Fuck me with your big cock!
跟我更猛的
Give it to me harder.
干到我爆♥炸♥
Fuck me 'til I explode!
[clapping]
今天洛杉矶警♥察♥局就意外发生在
Calling the tragedy a terrible, unintentional mistake,
非洲裔美国人枪击 殴打 刺伤
the Los Angeles Police Department issued an apology today
火焰炸♥弹♥炸伤
for the accidental shooting,
钉刑
clubbing,
电刑
stabbing,
刺穿
firebombing,
窒息、刺穿
choking, impaling,
电刑
electrocution,
注射死亡
legal injection death
并声称此项战略是一个严重的无心之过
of an African American man.
[swoosh]
我是基普·肯戴尔 洋葱新闻
I'm Kepp Kendall, reporting for "The Onion News."
随着索拉维亚和阿兹米尼斯坦的冲突加剧
As the conflict between Sloravia and Azmenistan deepens,
全国的大学
college campuses across this country
都成了政♥治♥活动的温床
have become a hotbed of political activity.
我们在加利福尼亚的圣克鲁兹大学
We're here in Santa Cruz, California today.
我们来听听他们说什么
Let's listen in.
停止暴♥力♥
Stop violence.
停止暴♥力♥
Stop the violence.
停止他妈的暴♥力♥
Stop the mothafucking violence!
发展和平
Increase the peace!
在过去的三年里
For the past three years,
索拉维亚和阿兹米尼斯坦 陷入了一场毫无意义的血腥战争
Sloravia and Azmenistan have been locked in a pointless and bloody war.
两国的懦夫首脑把无辜的年轻人
Their cowardly leaders sent innocent, young men into battle to die.
送到战场送死
To die.
你们知道吗
Well, you know what?
我们应该把那些领导人关到一个房♥间里 让他们去互掐
We need to put those leaders in a room and let them fight it out!
知道这些
You know what else?
国家还需要
What this countries need to do,
做什么吗
they need to do,
他们该多听听女人的
they need to listen to their women a little more.
[crowd cheers] Yeah!
因为女人创造生活
'Cause women, women create life.
而男人毁坏它
While men, they destroy it.
所以 让我们站起来反对战争机器
So let's all stand up against the corporate war machine
他们只会使国家走向帝♥国♥主♥义♥
that only exists to do the imperialistic agenda
来进行种族压♥迫♥
against the... the oppressed minority!
你们同意吗
Right?
爱你的同胞
Love you, love you brother!
爱和平
Peace!
一样的爱
Go on, love!
[microphone feedback]
打扰 查德
[man in suit] Excuse me, Chad.
什么事
What's up?
我们是联♥合♥国♥的 我们对你刚才的表现印象深刻
We're the U.N. and let me just say, we are very impressed.
你刚才说得太好了 查德
What you said up there was dead on, Chad.
完全正确
Dead-on.
什么
What?
我们希望你能参与索拉维亚 和阿兹米尼斯坦的会谈
We want you to negotiate talks between Sloravia and Azmenistan.
闭嘴 开玩笑吧
Shut up, dude.
我们坚信你就是那个能为这些问题
We're convinced you're the man who can finally bring peace to this troubled region.
地区带来和平的人
Will you do it, Chad?
你愿意吗 查德 你愿意帮助发展和平吗
Will you help us... increase the peace?
妈的
Fuck yeah!
操 我当然愿意
Fuck yeah, dude, I'm in.
很好 - 跟我来好吗?
Great. Will you come with me, please?
好
Yeah.
[news jingle *]
你们单方面发动的有预谋的系统性的
Your systematic campaign of aggression against my country is the reason--
对我国的侵略才是战争唯一的原因
Our military operations are purely in the response
我们的军队只是单纯应对你们对协议的践踏
for your repeated violation of the treaty!
是你们违反了和平条约 - 你说我们?
[Azmenistan leader] You are the one to violate the peace treaty--
[Sloravia leader] We?
[arguing in foreign language]
伙计们
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys!
冷静一点
Guys, chill.