洋葱电影（2008）

洋葱 伟大民♥主♥国家最好的新闻来源
[dramatic music plays *]
洋葱号♥外 全世界最大的标志撞上冰山
泰坦尼克号♥ 人类傲慢自大的象征 沉入北冰洋
悲剧中一千五百人丧命
德国犹太人对希♥特♥勒♥灭绝犹太人政策表示担忧
洛克菲勒去世
慈善石油大亨给儿子留下万贯家产
女性也有高♥潮♥
东西海岸之间发现中西地区
该死 人类在他妈月球行走
毒品赢得药品大战
沉迷派对者发誓自己能接断腿
新总统感受到了国家的痛苦--胸部
劫持者惊觉身处地狱
自杀性爆♥炸♥分子称 原本期待着永久的天堂
洋葱总能得无所不能的提供报道
You can always count on "The Onion" to get the story.
它是美国最棒的新闻来源
It's America's Finest News Source.
[**]
现在播出洋葱新闻...美国最棒的新闻来源
[announcer] And now, "The Onion News: America's Finest News Source,"
本期节目由戴娜·波波斯...
featuring Dana Dobbs,
资深记者基普·肯戴尔...
Senior Correspondent, Kip Kendall,
以及获奖主播诺姆·阿奇共同主持
and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer.
今天的第一条新闻来自底特律..
We begin today with news from Detroit.
汽车制♥造♥业巨头美国汽车...
Where auto making giant, American Automotive announced a safety recall
宣布安全召回2004辆装有颈部安全带的汽车
of all 2,004 cars containing neck belts.
为了减少头部伤害
The neck belts introduced last month
颈部安全带于上月投入生产
in an attempt to reduce head injuries,
随即发现会造成气管压伤
have been found to cause crushed tracheas,
脊椎严重损伤以及突然斩首
severe spinal damage, and violent decapitation.
爸爸回来了 嗨 老爸
[little girl] Daddy, come! Hi, dad!
[dramatic news jingle]
今天美国陆军宣布启用一项招录新兵的计划
Today, the U.S. military announced an innovative new plan to draw new recruits.
你现在报名 （阿♥拉♥巴马 移♥动♥镇）
You sign up, right now.
就能得到两张奥兹音乐节的门票 (全球最大的重摇滚巡回演唱会)
You get one pair of Ozzfest tickets
以及一组卡车用的挡泥板
and a set of mud flaps for your truck.
服役半年之后
Then, after six months of active duty,
就有权获得28克大♥麻♥
you are eligible to receive an ounce of weed.
太棒了
Sweet!
再服役半年 就有更多的大♥麻♥
[recruiter] And in six more months, a bunch more weed.
你♥他♥妈♥是瞎扯吧 我真能得到更多大♥麻♥
You're fucking lying, I get some more--
不仅如此 如果在外国的冲突中执行任务
[recruiter] And if you serve a tour duty during a foreign conflict,
退伍时就能得到...这个
you will receive upon your discharge this:
一张热力宝贝的海报 - 该死的 给我报名吧
a hot bitch poster.
[hippie grunts in excitement] Sign me up!
[news jingle plays *]
今早的网络故障持续了三小时...
The internet went down for three hours this morning,
使全国的生产效率大幅提高
plunging the nation into productivity.
网络断供期刺♥激♥了从纽约 到加利福利亚的工作效率...
The outage which caused major work startages from New York to California,
阻止了约一亿两千万的美国雇员
prevented an estimated 120 million American employees
在工作时间在网上闲逛
from messing around on the Web at work.
更多洋葱新闻稍后播出
[announcer] More "Onion" news after this.
在一个黑白颠倒...
[film narrator] In a world without justice,
弱肉强食的世界
where the strong prey on the weak,
[Asian music plays *]
一个男人要面临终极考验
one man must face the ultimate challenge.
师♥傅♥ 他们是怎么打败我的
Master, how did they defeat me?
他们使用了一项古老的技巧直捣敌人黄龙
They used an ancient technique that strikes at the very core of a warriors' strength.
没有任何防御能抵挡这种攻击
This attack, there is no defense.
师♥傅♥ 您能教我吗
Master, will you teach me?
孩子 你还没有做好准备呢
You are not yet ready, my son.
我准备好了 师♥傅♥
I'm ready, Master.
不 你还没有 要学的可多着呢
[Master] No, you are not. You have much to learn.
[dramatic music plays *]
年轻的弟♥子♥
You, my young pupil, shall become a cockpuncher.
（32年后） 注定要成为捣鸡鸡大侠
环球金字塔影业公♥司♥出品
[film narrator] From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
史蒂文·西格尔就是捣鸡鸡大侠
Steven Seagal is "Cockpuncher".
[**]
停车
[faint] No!
[gunshots]
[faint screaming]
[cracking]
[**]
捣鸡鸡大侠
[film narrator] "Cockpuncher."
我想你没有蛋蛋
I don't think you have the balls.
环球金字塔影业公♥司♥出品
[film narrator] From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
简直太好看啦
That looks awesome!
当然好看啦 孩子们
Sure it does, kids.
对阴囊的重重一击啊
A real whack in the nutsack.
亲爱的
[husband] Honey?
看见我那双没破的黑袜子没
Have you seen my good, black socks?
妈妈 快看 - 亲爱的
[little girl] Mommy, look!
[husband] Honey?
看见新闻发生
[news jingle] If you've seen news happening,
请拨♥打♥洋葱新闻热♥线♥
call "The Onion News" Hotline.
亲爱的
[husband] Honey?
我找不到那双没破的黑袜子了
I cannot find my good, black socks!
你好 是洋葱新闻吗
Hello? "Onion News?"
[siren wails] [shouting in background]
我的孩子啊
我们在此对一则新闻进行现场报道
We are here live, with a breaking news story.
很明显一个当地男人把他的黑袜子放错了地方
Apparently, a local area man has misplaced his black socks.
迈考·密克先生 请您详细描述一下今天早上发生的事好吗
Mr. McCormick, will you please tell us exactly what happened this morning?
好的 我和往常一样起床
Sure, um, I got up this normal morning.
孩子们在楼下
Kids are downstairs.
而我太太在做早饭
And uh, my wife's cooking breakfast.
突然之间 我发现那双没破损的黑袜子不见了
And all of sudden, you know, I notice that my good, black socks are missing.
太太 您的儿子 安全无恙
Here's your boy, ma'am. Safe and sound.
谢谢了 谢谢了
Oh, thanks, thanks.
看呀 甜心 看
Sweetie, look!
洋葱新闻车
"The Onion" news van!
没错
Yeah...
[news jingle plays *]
另一则新闻 昨天当地的一名8岁男童
In other news, a local eight-year-old
行使了第二修正案赋予他的权力 (人♥权♥法案第二条,规定人♥民♥持有和携带武器的权利不可侵犯)
accidentally exercised his second amendment rights yesterday,
他用父亲的半自动来♥福♥枪♥把自己的脑袋打个稀烂
when he blew off his head with his father's semi-automatic rifle.
枪♥支♥权利激进分子大力宣扬这一致命事件...
The fatal incident is being hailed by gun rights activists
认为是美国和宪法的胜利
as a victory for America and the Constitution.
[quiet chatter]
都别动 除非哪个人想脑袋上挨枪子
Nobody move! Unless you want your head blown off.
[woman screams]
你
You!
别 请别开枪
Please, please don't shoot me.
要多少钱我都给你
I'll give you however much you want.
你以为我要的是钱?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You think I want money?
以为我就是为这个才来?
You think that's what this is about?
一个怒气冲冲的大个子黑人挥舞着枪闯进来...
A big gang black man comes walking in, waving a gun,
你就以为他是来抢劫的
and you assume he's robbing the place?
我才不要该死的施舍
[armed gunman] I ain't looking for no goddamned handout.
我要找是操♥他♥妈♥的工作 臭婊♥子♥
I'm looking for a motherfucking job, bitch.
啥
Excuse me?
你聋了么
You heard me.
我要操♥他♥妈♥的工作
A mothafucking job!
还不懂吗
[armed gunman] Don't you see?
给钱只能解我的燃眉之急
You give me money, that'll just help me in the short-term.
但是有了工作
But a job!
我就能培养工作技能 积累宝贵的经验
That'll help me develop valuable job skills and experience.
就像授人以渔
It's like teaching a man how to fish.
所以别磨磨蹭蹭的 滚那边去...
[cocks gun] So quick stalling, get your bitch ass back there,
给我弄个每周工作四十小时的职位...
and give me a 40 hour a week position,
有带薪休假和员工福利...操♥你♥妈♥的下三滥
with vacation pay and benefits, you piece of shit, mothafucker,
别让我再说一次
and don't make me ask twice.
把你的大屁♥股♥挪过去
Back that ass up.
快点 快点
[armed gunman] Lets go, lets go!
我能帮助下一个排队的家伙
Can I help the next mothafucking person in line?
那个穿杏黄套头衫的
You in that apricot ah, sweater suit.
滚过来 马上
Get your bitch ass on over here, now!
有什么能帮你的吗
How can I help you today?
请帮我把这笔钱存入储蓄账户
Um, I'd like to deposit this check, please, into my savings account
我还想取...好了 好了
and then I need to withdraw-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
他妈的先闭一下嘴
Just-just-just shut the fuck up for a minute.
你♥他♥妈♥在干嘛 利兹·安妮
The fuck you doing, Liz Anne?
打电♥话♥给警♥察♥吗
You calling the cops?
没有
No.
如果是给警♥察♥的电♥话♥
That's a goddamned cop?
没有 我发誓 只是个客户 我建议他...
No, I swear. I was just on with an account holder,