不要见怪（2023）

"Need a car for college?
〝今年夏天跟我们19岁儿子约会〞
Date our 19-year-old son this summer.
〝他是很棒的年轻人 非常聪明 但个性害羞不善交际〞
He's a wonderful young man, extremely smart, but socially very shy.
〝从没交过女友 我们试过各种办法〞
He's never had a girlfriend. We've tried everything.
〝我们想征求一名 有吸引力 善良又聪明的女性〞
We're looking for an attractive, kind, intelligent woman,
〝20到25岁〞
early to mid-20s,
〝跟他约会 让他在秋天上大学前破茧而出〞
to date him and bring him out of his shell before he leaves for college in the fall.
〝我们会回赠一辆别克君威〞
In exchange, we'll give you a Buick Regal,
〝车况良好 无锈蚀 里程数四万公里〞
clean, rust-free, 40K miles.
〝非诚勿扰〞
Serious inquiries only."
约会两字还特别加了引号♥
"Date" is in quotes.
这是在开玩笑吧 -不是
It's gotta be a joke, right? - No.
你没见过那些直升机家长吗
Have you seen these helicopter parents?
他们为了孩子什么事都愿意做
They'll do everything for their kids.
我很惊讶他们没直接帮他破处
I'm surprised they're not gonna fuck him themselves.
不过他们要找20到25岁的女性
It does say early to mid-20s, though.
没差 我看起来很年轻 -好喔
That's okay. I can pass for that. - Okay.
你连房♥子都不肯出租
You won't even rent your house out,
现在却想出租下面
but now you'll rent out your vag?
大人在说话 小孩别插嘴
Jim, the adults are talking.
我是男生就不能表达意见
Oh, just 'cause I'm a guy, I can't express an opinion?
没错 闭嘴 -是啊
Exactly. Yeah, shut up. - Yeah.
你的背上有超大♥片♥的哔哔鸟刺青
You have a Road Runner tattoo covering your entire back.
实在没资格管别人的身体 -没错
I don't think you should tell anybody what to do with their body.
那粉丝限定网站呢
What about an OnlyFans page?
粉丝限定网站是什么 吉姆
What's an OnlyFans page, Jim?
那太花时间了 我现在就需要用车
That would take too long. I need a car now.
我只是很讶异你竟然会认真考虑
I'm just surprised you're actually considering this. That's all.
我之前跟其他人一♥夜♥情♥ 也没名车可拿
I've had a one-night stand before and gotten zero Buick Regals for it.
宝贝 你不了解 但女人会为了各种理由跟人上♥床♥
Babe, you don't know this, but women have all sorts of reasons for having sex.
我有次做♥爱♥是因为不想早上赶车通勤
I had sex once because I didn't want to commute in the morning.
我有次是因为不想继续玩卡坦岛桌游
I've had sex once to get out of playing Settlers of Catan.
我有次第一次约会就上♥床♥
I had sex once on a first date
是因为我觉得对方会杀了我 -天啊
'cause I thought he was gonna kill me. - Jesus.
你现在有我了
You're with me now, babe.
她就是在说你 傻蛋
She's talking about you, dumbass.
超赞的
Yeah! Epic!
浪超正点 没有观光客
Waves are firing. No tourists.
你们错过好戏了
You guys are missing out.
搞不好不是真的
It's probably not even real.
不然应该是最快获得一辆车的方法
It would be the fastest way to get a car.
是啊 那孩子搞不好看到你就泄了
Oh, yeah. Kid would cream his shorts as soon as he saw you.
你就能开着新车回家
Then you can just drive right home.
天啊 -吉姆
Oh, my God. - Jim.
想听我的意见吗
You want my opinion?
那些人利用我们 我们也可以利用他们
These people use us. So why don't we use them?
我只知道我妈会希望我拯救那栋房♥子
I just know my mom would've wanted me to save that house.
是啊 现在这里什么东西都贵
Yeah. Things are so expensive here now.
你以为我教书一整年 还想当服务生兼差啊
You think I wanna wait tables after teaching kids all year?
听我说
Listen to me.
你那么需要用车的话 可以开我们的箱型车
If you're really in a pinch, you can use our van.
换莎拉去帮那孩子破处
I'll send Sara to fuck the kid instead.
你是有什么毛病 -吉姆
What the fuck is wrong with you? - Jim.
我只是想让气氛轻松一点
I'm just trying to keep it light.
你以为那孩子会想跟孕妇上♥床♥吗
You think a kid wants to have sex with you in your current condition?
给我回去海上 -我才刚开啤酒
Get back into the sea. - Just opened a beer.
滚回去海上
Go to the sea.
现在很冷耶 -快点
It's cold as fuck-- - Go in the ocean.
那我就不回来了
Might just keep paddling.
（逾期未缴）
麦蒂
Maddie.
嗨 -你好
Oh, hi. - Hi.
嘿
Hey.
这里好找吗 -还行
Any trouble finding the place? - No.
顺利找到了
No. Found it.
欢迎来我们家
Oh, well, welcome to our home.
我是艾莉森 这是我先生劳尔
I'm Allison and this is my husband, Laird.
〝老的〞 是年纪吗
Layered? Like lasagna?
老 不是 是劳尔
Lasagna? No. Laird.
劳尔 我有说对吗 -劳尔
Laird. Am I saying that right?
没错 就两个字 劳尔
Yeah, one syllable. Laird.
好
Okay.
叫我劳尔就好 -好难念
Just call me Laird. - I can't.
我该上去吗 还是你们要下来
So should I come up, or do you wanna come down here?
上来吧 -对 快上来
Come on. - Yeah, come on up.
太好了 -上来吧
That'd be great. - Come on up.
我只想让你知道 我们非常尊敬性工作者
I just want you to know, we have the utmost respect for sex workers.
我…
I am, uh...
不是性工作者
not a sex worker.
性工作者没有不好 -当然
Not that there's anything wrong. - Oh, no.
麦蒂 可以请你介绍一下自己吗
So, Maddie, uh, tell us about yourself.
你是哪里人 -这里
Where you from? - Uh, here, actually.
是本地人
Wow, a local.
真羡慕
I'm jealous.
可以整年住在度假胜地
You get to live in paradise all year long.
我原本想在电♥话♥上问你
I meant to ask this on the phone,
你今年几岁
but how old are you?
这个嘛…
Well...
我知道你们要找20到25岁的女生
I know you were looking for someone early to mid-20s.
我有点超过 -所以是几岁
I'm slightly older. - Right. How old?
我刚满29岁
I just turned 29.
最近吗 -就去年
Recently? - Last year.
所以你29岁 -是去年
So you're 29? - Last year.
那你现在几岁
And how old are you, like, right now?
再大一岁
One more year older.
30岁啰
So 30.
对 32岁
Yeah. 32.
不行
I...
我可以老实说吗
May I be frank?
我想我会来这里 代表你们还没找到其他人
I'm assuming that I'm here because you haven't found anyone yet,
之所以还没找到人
and the reason you haven't found anyone yet
是因为年轻女孩都是笨蛋
is because young girls are idiots.
这不是她们的错 她们还年轻
That's not their fault. They're young.
可是呢…
But...
重点是你们的儿子
this is your son we're talking about.
你们需要的人是看起来像他的同学
What you need is someone who looks like a peer,
却又足够成熟可以应付这样的情况
but has the maturity to be able to handle this
这需要技巧与缜密细腻的心思
with the tact and sensitivity the situation requires.
她很棒 -没错
She's good. - Good.
很棒的回答
Good answer.
我们真的很担心儿子
We've just been so worried about our son.
波西很贴心 敏感
Percy is so loving, and he is so sensitive,
而且他非常聪明
and he's extremely bright.
他明年要去念普林斯顿大学
Yeah, he's going to Princeton next year.
我有听过
Oh, I've heard of it.
他很有音乐天赋 却不肯演奏给其他人听
He's an amazing musician, but he won't play for anyone.
他的社交生活碰到许多问题
He's just having a lot of trouble socially.
身为母亲
You know, and as a mother,
过去四年看着他这样真的很心痛
that's just been really hard to watch these past four years.
他每天都是滑手♥机♥ 待在房♥间里不出来
He's always on his phone, doesn't come out of his room,
他没有任何朋友 也不跟女生说话
he doesn't have any friends, he doesn't talk to girls.
不喝酒 不参加派对 也不会开车
Doesn't drink, doesn't go to parties, doesn't drive.
我会做的所有事情 他都不做
Doesn't do anything that I did.
我们不能让他这样去上大学
We can't send him to college like that.
他撑不过去的
He'd never make it.
所以你们才需要专业人士的帮助
Well, that's why you called a professional.
不是那种专业人士 只是需要车子的女生
Not a professional, just a girl who needs a car.
是
Yeah.
我们费尽千辛万苦
We didn't come by this easily.
试过各种方式要他走出去
We tried everything to bring him out of his shell.
我们想不到其他办法了
We're at the end of our rope.