小怪物

菲力克斯 替我告诉你妈妈
Felix, could you please tell your mom
我现在要去达美乐
that I'm now gonna go down to Domino's
给自己买♥♥个真正的奶酪披萨
and get myself a proper cheese‐covered pizza,
外加麸质
with a side of gluten?
妈妈 大卫舅舅...
Mommy, Uncle David‐‐
你不用重复 菲力克斯
You don't have to say it, Felix.
你舅舅现在做的决定很不明智
Your uncle isn't making good choices right now.
什么时候等你成了大孩子
You know, when you get yourself a pair of big‐boy pants,
你就会发现生活不仅仅是拖拉机
you realize there's more to life than tractors!
该死的拖拉机
Fuckin' tractors!
大卫舅舅好严肃啊 是不是 妈妈
Uncle David is so serious, isn't he, Mommy?
没错 我可爱的小鸭子
Yes, my little fluffy duck. He is.
嘎嘎
Quack.
你还记得我们读到哪里了吗
So, do you remember where we're up to?
他们从女巫手中逃脱那里
Where they got away from the witches.
对 他们在挪威
That's right. They're in Norway,
他们在奶奶家很安全
and they're safe at Grandma's house.
她穿着蕾丝连衣裙
"She was wearing a lace dress
蕾丝挠得我的鼻子痒痒的
"and the lace kept tickling my nose.
我不得不把头枕在前爪上
"I had to rest my head on my front paws.
"奶奶 你有没有听过我的心砰砰跳"
"'Have you ever heard my heart humming away, Grandmama?'
我问她
"I asked her.
"经常听到" 她说
"'Often, ' she said.
"晚上你枕着枕头躺在我身边时"
"'I hear it when you're lying very close to me
"我就能听到"
"'on the pillow at night.'
那之后 我们俩挨着火
"The two of us remained silent in front of the fire
沉默了很长时间
"for a long time after that,
想着那些美好的事情
"thinking about these wonderful things.
"亲爱的" 最后她说 "你真的不介意"
"'My darling, ' she said at last, 'are you sure you don't mind
"做一辈子的老鼠吗"
"'being a mouse for the rest of your life?'
"一点也不介意" 我说
"'I don't mind at all, ' I said.
"长什么样子并不重要"
"'It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like,
"只要有人爱你"
'as long as somebody loves you.'"
菲力克斯 起床了 菲力克斯
Felix, get up! Felix!
快起来 我需要你的帮助
Get up! I need your help.
看到她之后 你要像达斯·维德那样呼吸
So, when you see her, you breathe as Darth Vader
然后你要说
and then you say...
你好 萨拉阿姨
"Hello, Aunty Sara.
我是达斯·维德 愿原力与我们同在
I am Darth Vader. May the Force be with us."
好好说 菲力克斯
Do it properly, Felix.
戴上面具 就不要脱离角色
When the mask is on, you remain in character.
你好 萨拉阿姨
"Hello, Aunty Sara.
我是达斯·维德 愿原力与我们同在
I am Darth Vader. May the Force be with us."
好样的 丹尼尔·戴-刘易斯惊得都尿裤子了
Yeah! Daniel Day‐Lewis just came everywhere in his pants!
好了 你能把牌子拿好吗
Okay. Now, can you hold up the sign?
剩下的事交给我
I'll come in and take care of the rest.
好的 大卫舅舅
Yes, Uncle David.
我是说...好的 大卫舅舅
I mean... Yes, Uncle David.
好了
All right.
上吧 达斯
Do it, Darth.
什么
What...?
萨拉阿姨
Aunty Sara.
菲力克斯
Felix?!
我是达斯·维德
I am Darth Vader.
菲力克斯 你来这儿干什么
Felix, what are you doing here?
什么 不
What? No!
-你♥他♥妈♥在干什么 -我住在这里
- What the fuck are you doing?! ‐ I live here!
好吧 这他妈是谁
Yeah, well... who the fuck is that?!
-我是罗里 -这是我的同事罗里
‐ Rory. ‐ That's Rory from work.
帮我个忙 把同事罗里从你的阴♥道♥里拔♥出♥来♥好吗
Well, do me a favor and get Rory from work out of your vagina!
-哪儿都别去 罗里 -他就是戴夫吗
‐ Don't go anywhere, Rory. ‐ Is this Dave?
对 你好 罗里 我是戴夫
Yeah, hi, Rory. I'm Dave.
我他妈是萨拉交往了九年的男友
I'm Sara's boyfriend of nine fucking years.
在孩子面前请注意你的言辞好吗
Can you watch your language around the kid, please?
我不是孩子 我是达斯·维德
I am not a kid. I am Darth Vader.
愿原力与我们同在
May the Force be with us.
你愿意和我结婚吗
没错
Oh, yeah.
你搞砸了 不是吗 萨拉
Yeah, you fucked up, didn't you, Sara?
因为我本来要和你结婚
Because I was gonna marry you.
可能还会给你生个孩子
I was possibly gonna give you a baby.
我甚至用在菲力克斯床下
I even made this engagement ring
找到的毛条玩具做了订婚戒指
out of a pipe‐cleaner I found under Felix's bed.
不 你总是这样
No, you do this.
你只说空话 从来不会做到底
You say one thing. You never come through.
你没看到吗 我正要做呢
Hello? I was just about to!
我不是说结婚生子 戴夫
I don't mean marriage and a baby, Dave!
我需要你爱我
I needed you to love me.
但是除了自己 你爱不了任何人
And you're incapable of loving anyone but yourself.
至少我没一有机会就把房♥产中介的
At least I'm not stuffing real estate agent dick in me
老二塞进身体里
the first chance I get!
-够了 -你打算怎么办
- That's enough. ‐ Oh, what are you gonna do?!
你得注意你的言辞
You need to watch your language!
你得停止在孩子面前做♥爱♥
You need to stop having sex in front of kids!
别这么对罗里说话
Don't talk to Rory like that.
罗里与他情绪自我的接触
Rory is more in touch with his emotional self
你永远都比不上
than you'll ever be.
罗里唯一接触的就是你的淫♥荡♥阴♥道♥
The only thing Rory is in touch with is your slutty vagina!
-这样不好 -怎么
‐ Not cool. ‐ Yeah?
这个才"不好" 混♥蛋♥
"Not cool" this, motherfuck...
老天
Jesus!
-老天 操 -够了
- Oh, God! Fuck! - That's it.
冷静
Calm down!
你老二碰到我胳膊了
Your dick's on my arm!
-你黏黏的老二 -太无礼了
- Your sweaty dick! - It's disrespectful!
该死 不 好吧
Shit! No, shit! Okay!
-轻点 老兄 -你会注意言行吗
- Come on, easy, buddy! - Are you gonna behave yourself?
-这里有孩子在 老兄 -能好好说了吗
- There's a kid here, man! - Are we good now?
-好吗 -好 好
- Yes? - Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
抱歉我不得不诉诸暴♥力♥
I'm sorry I had to resort to violence.
该死的罗里
Fucking Rory!
暴♥力♥从来不能解决问题
Violence is never the answer.
要是你知道原力黑暗面就不会这么说
If you only knew the power of the Dark Side.
该死的
Fucking...
我把最好的年华给了你
I gave you the best years of my life!
你见过我在乐队时多少女人对我投怀送抱
You saw how much bush was thrown at me when I was in a band.
那是十年前了
That was 10 years ago!
别再说什么乐队了 很可悲
Stop going on about the band. It's pathetic.
我从没睡过别人
Yeah, well, I never screwed anyone else.
我选择和你在一起
I chose to be with you.
和一个人在一起与陪伴支持一个人
There is a big difference between being with someone
有很大不同 戴夫
and being there for someone, Dave.
我希望你有一天足够成熟能理解这点
I hope you grow up enough one day to realize that.
我不需要 你才需要
I don't need to do that! You do!
该死的蠢货
Fucking idiots!
别奢望我还会再回来
Don't ever expect to see me back here again!
菲力克斯
Felix?
我不是菲力克斯 我是达斯·维德
I am not Felix. I am Darth Vader.
达斯·维德 快走了
Darth Vader, now!
我不知道
I don't know.
妈妈
Mommy!
我一直在给你打电♥话♥ 你到底去哪了
I've been trying to call you. Where the hell have you been?
大卫舅舅带我去见萨拉阿姨
Uncle David took me to see Aunty Sara.
猜猜我们到时萨拉阿姨在做什么
Yeah, and guess what Aunty Sara was doing when we got there?
和一个房♥产中介做♥爱♥
Having sex with a real estate agent.
-等等 什么 -是吧
‐ Hang on. What? ‐ Yeah, I know!
你把我儿子叫醒让他去看两个人做♥爱♥吗
You woke my son up so he could go see two people having sex?
不是特意看的
No, not specifically.
那个裸着的男人揍了戴夫舅舅的鼻子
The naked man punched Uncle Dave on the nose
因为萨拉阿姨有淫♥荡♥阴♥道♥
'cause Aunty Sara has a slutty vagina.
不敢相信