小怪物

So, there I was.
异国他乡 吊着绷带 无父无母 身无分文
In a foreign country, in a sling. No parents, no money.
然后我遇到了一件好事
And then a wonderful thing happened.
我在学校做了一份帮工
I got a job helping out at the school
能付我的医疗费 帮我回家
to help pay my medical bills and get back home.
在孩子身边工作
And working with kids...
站在他们面前
standing in front of them,
他们的目光纯真坦荡
looking at me with no judgment...
连我自己都不相信自己 但他们相信我
They trusted me even when I didn't particularly trust myself.
我重新对自己有了信心
I started to believe in myself again, you know?
学会了挺身而出
Learned to step up.
现在我都没法想象自己做别的工作
And now I can't imagine doing anything else.
你和伊恩会要孩子吗
Are you and... Ian gonna have kids?
我和伊恩已经分手很久了
I'm afraid Ian and I have not been together for a long time.
他出轨了 和工作上认识的人
He was cheating on me. With someone from his work.
那你为什么还戴着戒指
But why do you still wear the ring?
防止学生爸爸在学校向我献殷勤
It stops fathers from hitting on me in the playground.
我知道撒谎不好
I know it's bad to lie,
但男人有时候粗鲁得令人吃惊
but you'd be surprised how crude men can be.
我的乐队六年前就解散了
My band broke up six years ago.
队友们退出后上帝之锤就解散了
God's Sledgehammer fell apart when my bandmates quit.
我也不是基♥督♥徒
And I'm not really Christian.
你还撒过什么谎
Anything else you've lied about?
没了 就这些
No, I think that pretty much covers it.
行 好
Okay. Good.
否则我就要罚你站墙角了
Otherwise I'd have to put you in the naughty corner.
我来守夜吧
Why don't I stay up on watch?
不不 最需要睡觉的就是你
No, no. You need sleep more than anyone.
我来守夜
I'll step up.
好
Okay.
晚安
'Night.
全体都有 全体都有
All‐unit command, all‐unit command.
全体都有 全体都有
All‐unit command, all‐unit command.
为了确保彻底清除感染者
In order to ensure total annihilation of the infected,
我们将在一小时之后执行雹暴作战
we will proceed with Operation Hailstorm in T‐minus one hour.
我想到了一个出去的主意
I've got an idea to get us out of here.
不 不不不
No. No, no, no!
不不不
No, no, no.
不
No.
我哪里也不去 知道原因吗
I'm not going anywhere. Want to know why?
因为我是连续五年来
Because I'm the Nickelodeon
尼克儿童频道全球最受儿童欢迎的
Kid's Choice Favorite Global Television Presenter
主持人 这就是原因
five years running, that's why.
你知道这代表什么吗
You want to know what that means?
通俗地讲就是 我是大佬
That means to the layman I'm a huge fucking deal.
有人会注意到我失踪了的
Someone will notice that I'm missing,
会发出警报 然后来救我
sound the alarm, and come and get me.
我们不能一直待在这里
We can't stay here indefinitely.
我们在这里也活不下去 这里没有食物
We're good as dead if we stay here. There's no food.
我们可以吃一个孩子
We'll eat one of the kids.
你最好是在开玩笑
I hope you're joking.
泰迪 我们只需要你在我跑去找拖拉机时
Look, Teddy, all we need for you to do is make a distraction
分散它们的注意力
while I make a run for the tractor train.
我会把拖拉机开到前面
I drive it to the front door,
载上所有人 然后开出去
we load everyone up, and we drive out of here.
你脑袋坏了吧 肥仔
You're fucked in the head, fatso.
为什么不是你去
Why can't you go?
我不会让你和孩子单独在一起
I'm not leaving the children alone with you.
要是你们的好主意就是开进来一辆
If your big idea is to drive in a tractor
用来带小孩游览农场的拖拉机
designed to pull fuckmonkeys around a farm,
那你们比我想的还要傻
then you're bigger idiots than I thought.
我已经认为你们俩是我见过最傻的人了
And I thought you were both the stupidest people I've ever met.
-你有什么建议 -麦笑笑车
‐ What would you suggest? ‐ The McGigglemobile.
什么
What?
什么 你聋吗
What, are you fucking deaf?
我的悄悄话说得很大声 "麦笑笑车"
I said in a loud whisper, "The McGigglemobile."
麦笑笑车是什么
What's the McGigglemobile?
就是我那亮红色的车 你这贱♥人♥
It's my bright red car, you fucking cunt.
我乘它环游全国
I travel around the world in it making memories
和孩子制♥造♥并分享美好回忆
and sharing those memories with children all over the country.
去过很多国家
Many countries.
哪点比拖拉机强
Why is that better?
麦笑笑车顶上有个封盖 蛙蛙用的那个封盖
The McGigglemobile has a flap in the roof. The Frogsie flap.
我们把那车开过来
We drive the car around,
小不点从麦笑笑车的
the kiddlywinks jump into the McGigglemobile
蛙蛙封盖上跳进去
through the Frogsie flap,
然后我们再开出去
and we drive the fuck out of here.
车钥匙在谁那儿
Who's got the keys?
这还真能行
That actually could work.
好主意 泰迪
Great idea, Teddy.
好到值得来个口♥活♥吗
Great enough for a blow job?
我有性瘾
I'm a sex addict.
听好
Hey. Listen.
小心
Be careful when you‐‐
见鬼
Goddammit!
你没事吧 泰迪
Are you okay, Teddy?
我看着像没事吗 你这蠢货
Does it look like I'm okay, you shithead?!
卡洛琳老师 卡洛琳老师
Miss Caroline! Miss Caroline!
卡洛琳老师 我饿了
Miss Caroline, I'm hungry.
-我知道 -卡洛琳老师
‐ I know. ‐ Miss Caroline?
我不想玩这游戏了
I don't want to play this game anymore.
不合理 而且僵尸看起来很假
It makes no sense, and the zombies look fake.
卡洛琳老师 我们什么时候玩噗噗高尔夫
Miss Caroline, when are we gonna play putt‐putt golf?!
混球 我们到底要不要干了
Yo! Douchebag! Are we gonna do this thing or what?
混球是什么
What's a douchebag?
女人用来冲洗阴♥道♥的小袋子
It's a small bag that ladies use to irrigate their vaginas.
一二三 看着我
One, two, three, eyes on me.
一二 看着你
One, two, eyes on you!
Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond
? 情 ?
? Where it began... ?
老天
Oh, Jesus.
? 不知其所起 ?
? I can't begin to knowing ?
? 我只知道 一往情深 ?
? But then, I know it's growing strong ?
? 是那年春 ?
? Was in the spring ?
? 春去夏归 ?
? Then spring became the summer ?
? 谁能相信 你一路相随 ?
? Who'd have believed you'd come along? ?
? 手 ?
? Hands ?
? 牵着手 ?
? Touching hands ?
? 伸出去 ?
? Reaching out ?
? 碰触你 碰触我 ?
? Touching me, touching you ?
原歌♥词这一句是"亲爱的卡洛琳"
? 卡洛琳老师 ?
? Miss Caroline ?
唱的是你
That's you!
? 美好时光 前所未有 ?
? Good times never seemed so good ?
? 我想 ?
? I'd be inclined ?
? 以后 也不会再有 ?
? To believe they never would ?
来孩子们 帮帮我 和我一起唱
Come on, kids. I need your help! Sing it with me.
? 卡洛琳老师 ?
? Miss Caroline ?
? 美好时光 前所未有 ?
? Good times never seemed so good ?
? 我想 ?
? I'd be inclined ?
? 以后 也不会再有 ?
? To believe they never would ?
? 对 对 ?
? No, no ?
? 卡洛琳老师 ?
? Miss Caroline ?
我也很喜欢尼尔·戴蒙德
I love Neil Diamond too.
只不过一直不愿承认
Just... wasn't ready to admit it until now.
-大卫舅舅 -伙计
- Uncle David? ‐ Hey, buddy.
我稍微出去一下 好吗
I'm just ducking out for a bit, okay, mate?
你要去哪
Where are you going?
我要带大家离开这里
I'm gonna get us out of here.
这还是游戏的一部分吗
Is this still all part of the game?
对啊
Yeah!
当然是 卡洛琳老师会保护你的