小怪物

我只是想出去玩一次
I just want to be able to go out
度过一个美好的夜晚 这要求过分吗
and have a nice night for once. Is that too much to ask?
过去九年来
One thing I fuck up
-我就搞砸了一件事 -就一件吗
- in the last nine years. - One thing?
-连续八年我都... -这真的是
- Eight years in a row... - It's literally
谈恋爱的时候必须记住的最重要的事情
the most important things you have to remember in a relationship.
"真的是"不是这么用的
That's not the right way to use "literally".
我知道什么是真的
I know the difference between literal
-什么是比喻 戴夫 -你抓住我的把柄
- and figurative language, Dave! - You get something on me
从来不肯罢休
and never let it go.
拜托 我知道今天是你的生日
Come on! I knew it was your birthday!
因为你在脸书上看到了
'Cause you saw it on Facebook!
大多数人就是这样记生日的
That's how most people remember birthdays!
我只想要一点点尊重 戴夫
I just want a little bit of respect, Dave.
为什么每件事都要争论
Why does everything have to be an argument?
-你觉得呢 -是你大声嚷嚷的
- Why do you think?! - You're the one raising your voice!
因为只有这样你才会听我说话
'Cause it's the only way I can be heard!
-你就像个小孩 -我像小孩
- You're like a child! - I'm like a child?
没错 像个小孩
Yeah, you're like a child!
是你冲我嚷嚷的 是你先开始嚷嚷的
You're the one shouting at me! You started shouting first!
-我就知道会这样 -礼物连影都没有
‐ I knew this was coming. ‐ Not one present!
有另一个版本 另一个版本里
There's a version of this‐‐ there's a version of this
-我们在餐厅度过了愉快的时光 -是吗
- where we've had a really lovely time together. - Oh, is it?
你♥他♥妈♥给我买♥♥个礼物
Just buy me a fucking present.
也许我就开心了
Maybe that would be a nice thing to do.
小怪物
-史蒂夫就做了一顿饭 -怎么
‐ Just because Stevie cooks one meal... - Yeah?
不代表我们就得突然学会怎么淘米
doesn't mean suddenly we all have to know how to wash rice!
你♥他♥妈♥在说什么
What are you fucking talking about, Dave?!
我是说这是两码事
I'm talking about it's a different thing!
我的天 这事的重点是做个成年人
Oh, my God! It's about being a fucking grown‐up!
我就是成年人 你自己看看
I am being a grown‐up! Have a look!
买♥♥我说的东西 买♥♥我说的东西
Just get what I asked you! Just get what I asked you!
还有南瓜种子胚芽 塞满该死的藜麦
...and pumpkin activated... ...fucking quinoa‐stuffed...
不是这个 我要那个
Not that one! I need this one!
南瓜和红扁豆
It's pumpkin and red lentil!
我只想带你回家 没错
I just want to take you home with me. Yes, I do.
听好了 戴夫
Listen! Dave!
你♥他♥妈♥给我听着
Fucking listen to me!
不 我说了不 不行
No! I said no. No!
不 听好了
No! Listen.
别激动 冷静 听我说
Calm down! Calm down! Listen!
伙计 走开 走吧
Mate, move on. Move on.
伙计 你得走了 快点 麻溜的
Mate, you've got to move on. Come on. Get a move on.
-打包离开这里 -你在干什么
‐ Pack it up, get out of here. ‐ What are you doing?
-我每天都在努力 -戴夫
‐ I make an effort every day! ‐ Dave...
-你根本连... -我光是坐在这里就很努力了
- You don't even... ‐ I'm making an effort right now being here!
我下周买♥♥个礼物送给你
I'll get you something next week!
少来 你♥他♥妈♥少来 戴夫
You don't! You fucking don't, Dave!
你自己买♥♥个礼物 替我包起来 看我在不在乎
Get yourself a present, wrap it up for me! See if I care!
我的天
Oh, my God!
天啊 天啊
Well, gosh, gee, golly‐o!
我确实喜欢好歌♥ 蛙蛙
I do love a good song, Frogsie!
我太爱唱歌♥了 泰迪
I love singing so much, Teddy!
而且我喜欢和你一起唱歌♥ 蛙蛙
And I love singing with you, Frogsie!
妈妈说你要和我们住在一起
Mommy says you're staying with us.
你要在我们家住多久
How long will you be here?
去上学吧 菲力克斯
Go to school, Felix.
我已经放学了
I've been to school.
几点了
What time is it?
现在是泰迪·麦笑笑时间
It's Teddy McGiggle time.
麦什么 你妈妈呢
Mc... What?! Where's your mom?
在商店
At the shops.
如果你住下来 我们是不是能经常一起玩了
If you're staying, does that mean we can hang out lots?
不 给我煮杯咖啡
No. Make me a coffee.
我不能煮咖啡 我才五岁
I can't make coffee. I'm five.
你想玩我的玩具拖拉机吗
Do you want to play with my toy tractor?
不想
No.
大卫舅舅昨晚洗劫了妈妈的酒柜
Look, Uncle David hit Mommy's booze cabinet pretty hard.
操
Fuck!
这是脏话 大卫舅舅
That's a bad word, Uncle David.
麦笑笑舞
The McGiggle dance!
一 二 三 跳
A‐one, two, three, go!
我们要来南半球了 小不点
We're coming down under, kiddlywinks!
这是什么 大卫舅舅
What's this, Uncle David?
澳大利亚
你在干什么
What do you think you're doing?
别激动 他打得很好
Relax. He's really good at it.
你干什么
What are you doing?!
不能那样关机
You're not meant to turn it off like that!
会把机器弄坏的
You'll damage the hardware!
不要让他接触那种暴♥力♥
Don't expose him to that sort of violence.
-游戏不是真的 -这不是重点
‐ It's not real! ‐ That's not the point.
他才五岁 你到底什么毛病
He's five. What's wrong with you?
过来帮我把东西放好 小鸭子
Come and help me unpack the shopping, fluffy duck.
今晚我们吃披萨
We're having pizza for dinner.
披萨 谢天谢地 我饿死了
Pizza? Thank fuck! I'm starving!
滚蛋吧
Fuck off!
谁来告诉我这他妈是什么鬼东西
Could someone tell me what the fuck that is meant to be?
-戴夫 -妈妈 他又说了
- Dave! ‐ Mommy, he did it again.
我要把你赶出去了
I will kick you out.
我才不管你经历了什么
I don't care what you're going through.
-这是什么 -豆腐
‐ What is that? ‐ Tofu.
这个呢
And this?
西兰花 是一种蔬菜
It's broccoli. It's a kind of vegetable.
你喜欢吃这个
You like eating this?
是的 我的拖拉机也喜欢
Yes. And so does my tractor.
-奶酪去哪了 -我不能吃奶酪
‐ Where's the cheese? ‐ I can't have cheese.
你知道他不能吃奶制品 他过敏
You know he can't have dairy. He's anaphylactic.
我对鱼 奶制品 鸡蛋
I'm allergic to fish, dairy, eggs,
芝麻 坚果和麸质过敏
sesame, nuts, and gluten.
没人对麸质过敏 那是迷思
No one's allergic to gluten. It's a fad.
别扯皮 戴夫 过敏可能危及生命
Don't joke, Dave. It's a life‐threatening condition.
我的经历也危及生命
So is what I'm going through.
宝宝
Boo‐Boo!
你为什么叫他宝宝
Why did you call him Boo‐Boo?
你舅舅像你这么大的时候我就是这么叫他的
It's what I used to call your uncle when he was your age.
宝宝
Boo‐Boo!
不 你不能这么叫我
No, see, you don't get to call me that.
你只能叫我大卫舅舅 戴夫舅舅 老D或者大D
You call me Uncle David, Uncle Dave, D‐Man, or Big D.
我在乐队有太多事要处理 好吗
I had too much stuff going on with the band, all right?
我不能被绑住
I couldn't get tied down.
卡洛琳老师会弹尤克里里
Miss Caroline plays the ukulele
我们会一起唱泰勒·斯威夫特的歌♥
and we all sing Taylor Swift songs.
那你一定要告诉卡洛琳老师
Well, you be sure to tell Miss Caroline
她可以完蛋去了
that she can go and suck a bag of dicks.
戴夫
Dave!
泰迪·麦笑笑说如果听到大人说脏话
Teddy McGiggle says to sing the bad word song
就要唱脏话之歌♥
when you hear a grown‐up say a bad word.
-你想听吗 -不想
- Do you want to hear it? ‐ No.
? 脏话 脏话 因为你说了脏话 ?
? Bad word, bad word! 'Cause you said a bad thing ?
? 现在我们都要唱 ?
? Now we all have to sing ?
? 啦啦啦啦啦 ?
? Tra‐la‐la‐la‐la‐la‐la ?
? 啦啦啦啦啦 ?
? Tra‐la‐la‐la‐la‐la‐la... ?
萨拉一天到晚就只会说生孩子的事
All Sara would ever go on about was having kids, okay?
所以我们总是吵架
That's why we fought all the time.
戴夫 这世上有很多可怕的事情
Dave, there are plenty of things to be scared of in this world,
但生孩子不是其中之一
but having a kid isn't one of them.
我是试管里生出来的
I came out of a test tube.
我知道 菲力克斯
Yeah, I know you did, Felix.
戴夫 没人说你会变得像我们的爸爸一样
Dave, there is nothing that says you have to end up like Dad.