亚当·桑德勒：100%新鲜（2018）

♪Five in my pocket♪
♪六个人在我鞋子里♪
♪Six in my shoe♪
♪七个人在山顶上♪
♪Seven on a mountain top♪
♪八个人在公园里♪
♪Eight in a park♪
♪九个人在小船上♪
♪Nine in a gondola♪
♪十个人在黑暗中♪
♪Ten in the dark♪
♪但你无论去哪儿♪
♪It's everywhere you go♪
♪无论看向哪儿♪
♪Everywhere you look♪
♪都能找到一个反犹人士♪
♪Everywhere you'll find an anti- Semite♪
♪我要读一本书♪
♪I am gonna read a book♪
♪读本书 读本书♪
♪Read a book, read a book♪
♪要当个更好的人♪
♪Gonna be a better man♪
♪比我现在更好的人♪
♪Better man than I am♪
♪所以我上了亚马逊♪
♪So I go to Amazon♪
♪亚马逊.com♪
♪Amazon dot com♪
♪我买♥♥了一堆书♪
♪And I buy a dozen books♪
♪一堆书 聪明的书♪
♪Lots of books, smart books♪
♪他们会立即发货♪
♪They will ship them right away♪
♪立即发货 一天即到♪
♪Right away, in a day♪
♪而我有亚马逊会员♪
♪And I have Amazon Prime♪
♪所以免运费♪
♪So it doesn't cost a dime♪
♪我看着我的新书♪
♪So I look at my new book♪
♪看了一眼我的新书♪
♪Take a look at my book♪
♪很快我就开了小差♪
♪Right away I tune out♪
♪不喜欢读书 开了小差♪
♪Don't like reading, get distracted♪
♪所以我打开电视♪
♪So I turn on my TV♪
♪电视很好 读书很坏♪
♪TV good, reading bad♪
♪我他妈的一连看了11个小时的房♥产兄弟♪
♪And I watch Property Brothers For 11 fucking hours♪
♪耶 耶 耶 耶…♪
♪Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah♪
♪哦 耶 耶 耶 耶…♪
♪Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah♪
♪奶奶死了♪
♪Grandma died♪
♪奶奶死了♪
♪Grandma died♪
♪奶奶今天死了♪
♪Grandma died today♪
♪我们怎么跟孩子们说呢♪
♪How are we gonna tell the kids?♪
♪奶奶今天死了♪
♪Grandma died today♪
♪我猜我要去宾果游戏场♪
♪I guess I'll go to a bingo game And steal♪
♪偷别人的奶奶♪
♪Somebody else's grandma♪
♪希望我的蠢孩子♪
♪And hope that my dumb kids♪
♪看不出差别♪
♪Can't tell the difference♪
♪我是个成年人♪
♪I am a grown man♪
♪在我家淋浴间尿尿♪
♪Pissing in the shower in my house♪
♪对 我是个成年人♪
♪Yes, I am a grown man♪
♪在我家淋浴间尿尿♪
♪Pissing in the shower in my house♪
♪我对家人毫无尊重♪
♪I have no respect for my family♪
♪我孩子今天要在这儿洗澡♪
♪My kids will take a bath in here today♪
♪我知道我应该去厕所♪
♪I know I should go to the toilet♪
♪但厕所太远了♪
♪But the toilet is too far♪
♪厕所太远了♪
♪The toilet is too far away♪
♪我说厕所太远了♪
♪I said the toilet is too far♪
♪厕所太远了♪
♪The toilet is too far♪
♪有一回我喝醉了酒…♪
♪Once when I was drunk, I...♪
♪尿在了厨房♥水池里♪
♪Took a piss in the kitchen sink♪
♪但我更喜欢淋浴间♪
♪But I prefer the shower♪
♪我老婆的丝瓜络开始发臭♪
♪My wife's loofah is starting to stink♪
♪我女儿早上上学时♪
♪When my kids go to school In the morning♪
♪它们闻起来像浸在尿里一样♪
♪They smell Like they're soaking in piss♪
♪有时在洗澡前♪
♪Sometimes before I shower♪
♪我会吃一些芦笋♪
♪I eat some asparagus♪
♪我是个禽兽♪
♪I am an animal♪
♪我是个破坏王♪
♪I am a destroyer♪
♪他们逮到我在邻居的泳池里尿尿♪
♪They caught me pissing In my neighbor's pool♪
♪现在我得雇个律师♪
♪And now I have to get a lawyer♪
♪这是值得的♪
♪It was worth it♪
♪我家孩子在话剧里只有一句台词♪
♪My kid's only got one line in a play♪
♪我家孩子在话剧里只有一句台词♪
♪My kid's only got one line in a play♪
♪我家孩子在话剧里只有一句台词♪
♪My kid's only got one line in a play♪
♪我家孩子在话剧里只有一句台词♪
♪My kid's only got one line in a play♪
♪而事实是♪
♪And yet, the fact is♪
♪我们依然得每天♪
♪We still gotta practice♪
♪排练♪
♪Every day♪
♪我家孩子在话剧里只有一句台词♪
♪Oh, no, my kid's only got One line in a play♪
♪我家孩子在话剧里只有一句台词♪
♪My- my- my kid's only got One line in a play♪
♪那个蠢老师把重要角色 给了别人♪
♪The dumb teacher Gave the big parts away♪
♪而现在我家孩子在话剧里 只有一句台词♪
♪Oh, no, my kid's only got One line in a play♪
♪台词出现在前五分钟♪
♪It's in the first five minutes♪
♪但我老婆说我们还得 整天待在那里♪
♪But my wife says We still gotta stay the whole way♪
♪我家孩子在话剧里只有一句台词♪
♪Fuck no My kid's only got one line in a play♪
♪一等我老婆没注意♪
♪As soon as my wife looks the other way♪
♪我打电♥话♥说现场有炸♥弹♥ 结束了排练♪
♪I phone in a bomb scare And I call it a day♪
♪我家孩子在话剧里只有一句台词♪
♪Because my kid's only got One line in a play♪
♪她还说错了♪
♪And she got it wrong♪
♪请给我来大份的♪
♪I'll take the large, please♪
♪简直不敢相信我的眼睛♪
♪Can't believe my eyes♪
♪糖屑 奶糖 还有意想不到的臭味♪
♪Sprinkles and fudge And a smelly surprise♪
♪哦 冰淇淋女郎♪
♪Oh, ice cream lady♪
♪多谢你让我舔你的妹妹♪
♪Thank you for letting me Eat your pussy♪
♪飞行员心脏病突发♪
♪The pilot had a heart attack♪
♪副驾驶不见踪影♪
♪The co- pilot can't be found♪
♪乘客们大声尖叫♪
♪The people in the aisles are screaming♪
♪他们知道飞机在坠落♪
♪They know the plane's going down♪
♪我们需要一个英雄 一个救我们的人♪
♪We need a hero, someone to save us♪
♪我们需要一个英雄让飞机降落♪
♪We need a hero to land the plane♪
♪我们需要一个英雄把它搞定♪
♪We need a hero who's going to do it♪
♪我们需要一个英雄力挽狂澜♪
♪We need a hero to save the day♪
♪所以我跳了起来 自告奋勇♪
♪So I jump to my feet and I volunteer♪
♪飞机上的乘客 全部开始欢呼♪
♪The people on the plane All start to cheer♪
♪一个婴儿和我击掌相庆♪
♪I get a high- five from a baby♪
♪空姐对我一阵猛亲♪
♪And a hickey from a flight attendant♪
♪所以我进了驾驶舱 戴上耳机♪
♪So I go in the cockpit Put the headset on♪
♪我抓起主控♪
♪And grab the main control♪
♪立即让飞机坠毁♪
♪Then right away I crash the plane♪
♪因为我不知道自己在干啥♪
♪Because I don't know what I'm doing♪
♪我们在一列失控的火车上♪
♪We're on a runaway train♪
♪驾驶员陷入崩溃♪
♪The conductor had a meltdown♪
♪餐车中的人♪
♪The people in the dining car♪
♪都大声尖叫♪
♪Are screaming really, really loud♪
♪我们需要一个英雄 来拯救我们♪
♪We need a hero, someone to save us♪
♪对 我们需要一个英雄 带大家脱离险境♪
♪Yeah, we need a hero To bring us through the danger♪
♪我们需要一个英雄 一个有能力的人♪
♪We need a hero, somebody competent♪
♪我们需要一个英雄 搞定一切♪
♪We need a hero to save the day, yeah♪
♪所以我戴上驾驶员的头盔♪
♪So I put the engineer's hat On the top of my head♪
♪大家陷入狂喜♪
♪The people go fucking crazy♪
♪一个男人说：“就靠你了”♪
♪A guy says, "You're the man, man"♪
♪一个聋女用手比划“加油”♪
♪And a deaf woman signs "Go get 'em"♪
♪而我走进驾驶室 鸣响汽笛♪
♪Then I go to the cab And I toot the whistle♪
♪我一直都想这么干♪
♪That's something I always wanted to do♪
♪然后我们立即冲下了桥♪
♪Then right away we fly off the bridge♪
♪因为我不知道自己在干啥♪
♪Because I don't know what I'm doing♪
♪我们在一个很棒的家庭餐馆♪
♪We're in a nice family restaurant♪
♪有人的奶奶被一块羊排噎住♪
♪Somebody's grandma's choking On a lamb chop♪
♪大家恐慌不已 老太太的脸庞渐渐变蓝♪
♪There's panic in the air As Nana's face turns blue♪
♪餐馆工用西班牙语大喊： “我们该怎么办？”♪
♪The busboy screams in Spanish "What the fuck do we do?"♪
♪我们需要一个一锤定音的英雄♪
♪We need a hero who's gonna do it♪
♪我们需要一个英雄 打通她的食管♪
♪We need a hero To clean out her windpipe♪
♪我们需要一个会急救法的英雄♪
♪We need a hero Who's down with Heimlich♪
♪我们需要一个搞定一切的英雄♪
♪We need a hero to save the day, yeah♪
♪所以把我餐巾扔到桌上♪
♪So I slap my napkin down on the table♪
♪人们纷纷向我站立致意♪
♪And I get a fucking standing ovation♪
♪有个男人站起来说他是个医生♪
♪Another guy gets up And says he's a doctor♪
♪我说：“给我坐下 我来就行”♪
♪I say, "Sit the fuck down I got this shit"♪
♪然后我圈住老太太♪