亚当·桑德勒：100%新鲜（2018）

Joking.
他不反犹 别烦他了
He's not. Leave him alone.
把灯光从他那里撤了
Get the fucking lights off of him.
他看上去像个好人
He seems like a decent man.
抱歉
Sorry.
你们好
Hello.
有时你醒过来…
How about the times you wake up...
在凌晨四点半醒过来
Ever wake up like 4:30 in the morning
你想：“靠 我这么早 醒过来干吗？”
and you're like, "God damn it. What am I doing up right now?"
凌晨四点半 睡不着…
4:30, can't fall asleep...
我这一天都毁了
I'm fucking ruined for the day.
你想道：
Ever do one of those things where you go,
“我♥干♥脆起床好了
"Let me just get out of bed,"
学学那些说自己‘每天都凌晨 四点半起床
and live like those people who always go, "Hey, I get up at 4:30 every day.
为了独处 静静独处
I do that for me. That's me time.
早上独处
I spend the morning alone.
独处的时光最棒了 让我心情很好’的人”
That's my time and it's the best. It sets me in the right mood."
你说：“好吧 让我当一回 这种混球
You're like, "Let me be one of those fucking pricks.
我四点半就起来好了”
I'll get up at 4:30."
所以你在四点半起来 给自己做了早餐
And you get up at 4:30 and you make yourself breakfast.
你想：“这很棒啊 做早餐
You're like, "Wow, this is good. making breakfast. "
我从不这么做”
I never do that.
然后你开始健身
And then you work out.
你想：“我从不这么早健身
You're like, "I'm working out this early.
操 真不可思议
Holy shit. That's out of the way.
太棒了”
That's great."
然后你又吃了顿早餐
And then you have yourself another breakfast.
你想：“好吧 现在我没事可干了”
You're like, "Okay, I'm running out of shit to do."
然后你开始看新闻
And then you flip on the news
你想：“居然有新闻前的新闻？
and you go, "There's news before the news?
这帮人他妈是谁啊？
Who the fuck are these people?
他们真棒 他们应该播报 正经新闻”
They're very good. They should be on the real news."
然后你出门 看到一只鸟 在吃一只虫子
Then you go outside and you see a bird eating a worm.
你想：“这就是所谓的 早起的鸟？
You're like, "Is that the fucking early bird?
这话我听说过好久了
I've been hearing about that thing for a long time."
在那儿呢 真不可思议”
There he is. Holy shit."
校车出现 你的孩子坐了上去
Then a bus shows up, and your kids get on it.
你想：“他们就是这么上学的
You're like, "That's how they fucking get to school.
没人告诉我…
Nobody fucking told me...
真是有意思的一天 好有趣”
What a day. This is interesting."
然后到了上午11点
And then it's around 11 o'clock
你在工作会议中
and you're in the middle of a work meeting
想着：“这天还要多久结束？”
and you're like, "How long is this fucking day gonna go for?
让我睡个觉！
Let me sleep!"
我老婆的奶奶今年101岁
My wife's grandmother turned-- she turned 101 years old,
很棒 101岁
which is nice, 101 years old.
对家里人来说 真是好事
That's good for the family,
有这种长寿基因
you know, good to have that in your genes.
我女儿有那种基因
My daughter's got that great life.
我们家的人 早早就死了
My family, we fucking die...
我是说 我这会儿应该已经死了才对
I should be dead is all I'm saying.
我还活着 根本说不过去
It makes no sense that I'm here right now.
但101岁啊…
But 101 years old...
我去了她的生日会 在她肩膀上打了101拳…
I went to her birthday, I gave her 101 punches in the shoulder...
她一直这样…
Just, she kept going, "Ooh."
我说：“这是传统
And I was saying, "It's tradition.
我们不能坏了传统”
We can't break tradition, Grandma."
她说：“我想打破传统”
She was like, "I want to break tradition."
我说：“呃 你不能
I was like, "Well, you can't.
所以 再接我94拳吧”
So, just fucking deal with 94 more."
然后啪一下，“哦！”
And bam. "Oh!"
还好吗？摄像机都各就各位了？
What's going on? You getting this camera all set?
别受伤
Don't get hurt.
这机器很他妈的重
That's a heavy fucking piece of machinery.
把你视线全挡了
It's blocking you good.
你还好吗？
You okay?
你拿着啤酒 真是他妈一大杯啤酒啊
You got your beer. That's a big fucking beer, man.
真不错 不管不顾
Way to go. You get loose.
我把这首歌♥献给那里的 那个醉汉
I dedicate this song to the fucking drunk guy right there.
开始了
Here we go.
耶
Yeah.
谢谢你
Thank you!
很有趣
That was fun.
你有没有擦你的… 那里
Are you ever wiping yourself, uh, back there...
你擦得很仔细
That was fun.
你擦啊擦
Are you ever wiping yourself, uh, back there...
然后你接着擦啊擦
You're wiping up pretty good, and then you keep wiping.
然后你再擦
And then you've really-- you've got to keep wiping.
然后你继续擦
And you wipe again, and then you wipe another one.
然后你想：“知道吗？
Then you go, "You know what?
按道理 我再擦一次就算完事
Just out of principal, I'm stopping after this next one.
真♥他♥妈♥够了
It's fucking enough already.
我不在乎有没有擦干净
I don't care if I'm done or not.
妈的太折磨人了
This is fucking killing me.
就这样吧
Whatever happens happens.
让我离开这里”
Get me the fuck out of here.
大伙 我拍了第一张鸡鸡照片
I did my first dick pic, everybody.
谢谢大家
Thank you.
拍鸡鸡照片这事挺奇怪的
A dick pick is... that's a weird thing to do.
我没理由这么干 我他妈已经结婚了
There's no reason for me to do it. I'm fucking married.
但我的所有朋友都这么干
But all my friends are doing them,
所以我想：“操
so I'm like, "What the fuck, let me just--
至少在他们谈论鸡鸡照片时
at least I can be part of the conversation
我能加入他们的讨论”
when they're talking about their dick pics.
说什么 “嗯 当然了”
I can go, "Oh, yes, definitely." You know?
所以 我拍了第一张鸡鸡照片
So, I do my first dick pick.
我回过头来仔细一看
I look back at it.
背景里有个鬼
There's a ghost in the background.
照片里有个鬼
So there's a ghost in the image,
我他妈住在闹鬼的房♥子里？
and I'm like, "I live in fucking haunted house?"
我真不清楚
I had no idea.
我想把它给所有人看
I want to show everybody...
真是…
'cause...
捕捉到这种东西的几率有多大？
what are the chances of catching that?
但我的鸡鸡看上去
But my dick doesn't look...
没有我理想中那么好
as good as I want it to look in the image.
除此之外 那个鬼特别高大
Plus, you know, the fucking ghost was really tall,
所以他让我的鸡鸡显得…
so he made my dick not look... exact.
此外 那个鬼还拿着一把尺子
Plus the fucking ghost was holding a ruler
放在我鸡鸡旁边
next to my dick.
我对鬼说：“你♥他♥妈♥怎么回事”
I was like, "What the fuck is your problem?" to the ghost.
他说…
He was like...
那个鬼说：“我也住在这里 我喜欢找乐子”
The ghost was like, "I live here too. I like to have fun."
好吧 我要给你们弹弹吉他
All right, I'm gonna play guitar a little bit for you.
你的孩子是你在这个世界上 最爱的人
You love your kids more than anything on the planet
直到晚上九点半
until like 9:30 at night.
然后你说：“好吧…
And then you're like, "Okay...
够了”
that's enough.
我整天都爱你
I loved you all day long.
你让我歇会儿吧
Just give me a little break.
我回答你所有疯狂的问题…
I answered all your crazy questions.
我根本不知道答案
I don't even know....
我什么也不知道
I know nothing.
在你必须得回答你家孩子的问题时
That does not fucking help
情况可不妙
when you have to answer your kid.
我得编好多答案
I've got to make up every goddamn answer.
“鲸鱼聪明吗 爸爸？”
"Are whales smart, Daddy?"
我就说：“它们比较老于事故 而不是功课好…”
"Well, you know, they're more street smart than book smart, but..."
对于鲸鱼我啥也不知道
I don't fucking know anything about whales.
我女儿打篮球 她今年九岁
My daughter plays basketball, my nine year old.
所以我就去看她打篮球