亚当·桑德勒：100%新鲜（2018）

So, I go and see her play basketball,
她是个特别好的孩子
and she's a sweetheart of a kid.
每回他们派她上场
And every time they put the kid in the game,
我都特别兴奋
I get so excited.
我拿出摄像机
I take my video camera out,
开始录下她的一举一动
and I fucking video everything she does.
几周前
And so, a couple Sundays ago,
我正在拍我女儿
I'm videoing my daughter
另一个孩子的爸爸过来
and another dad goes,
问：“你能把你拍好的视频 用电邮发给我吗？”
"Hey, can you email me that when you're done?"
我说：“当然可以了”
And I go, "Yeah, absolutely, dude.
然后我继续拍着我家孩子
And then I'm videoing my kid
我想起来了
and then I remembered.
在我给我家孩子录像时
Actually, when I video my kid,
我嘴里念叨着很多话
I say a lot of things, and...
而且都是我不想让别人 听到的话
It's always not stuff I want other people to hear.
我总是说：
And I'm always like,
“好的 你能办到的 小可爱
"Okay, you got it, you little cutie.
你拿到球了 真棒
You've got the ball. You're so good.
瞧瞧你有多棒
Look how good you are.
把球传给我家孩子 快把球传给我家孩子
You take the ball. Pass it to my kid. Somebody pass it to my kid.
信不信我拧断你的脖子？ 我对天发誓
I'll get a break your fucking neck, I swear to God.
妈的快把球传给我家孩子
Give that fucking ball to my fucking kid.
你们都烂透了”
You all suck out there."
我想：“我最好别把那个 用电邮发给他”
And I was like, "I better not email that to that man there.
所以我给他发了那张 闹鬼的鸡鸡照片
So I just emailed him the ghost/dick pic thing.
那个人说：“那尺子是什么鬼？”
The guy was like, "What the fuck's with the ruler?"
我说：“那个鬼是个混♥蛋♥ 去死最好…
I go, "Yeah, the ghost was an asshole. Fuck that guy."
我同意你的观点”
"I'm with you."
我可爱的小女儿…
My little sweet daughter...
在上六年级
the sixth grader,
她有天从学校回到家 说：
she comes back from school and she's like,
“男孩子们都在说‘她就是 这么说的…’
"All the boys keep saying, 'That's what she said...'
然后哄堂大笑”
and then they all laugh."
“为什么呢 爸爸？” 我说：“天呐”
"Why Daddy?" -And I was like, "Oh, boy."
“没错 不管我说什么
"Yeah, it seems like anything I say,
他们都说 ‘她就是那么说的’
they say, 'That's what she said.'
他们看看彼此
They look at each other,
然后笑个不停
and they just laugh and laugh.
而我摸不着头脑 帮帮我 爸爸”
And I'm confused. Help me Dad-da."
所以我想：“好吧 我怎么跟她解释？”
And so, I'm like, "Okay, how do I explain this to her?"
我试图想个法子跟她解释
And I'm trying to just figure out, you know, the right way to do it,
不带任何脏字
in a clean way, no cursing.
所以我说…
And I'm just going, "Uh-- uh-- uh-- uh, well, it's a..."
“呃 这是…” 然后我家孩子说：
And then my kid goes,
“没事的 爸爸 你已经尽力了”
"That's okay, Daddy. You tried your best."
我说：“她就是这么说的”
And I was like,"That's what she said."
好的 下首歌♥
All right, let's do this.
那段子不是真的
That's not true.
这些段子全是假的…
None of that-- None of this fucking story...
都是骗人的
All this is a lie. All right.
得了吧
Come on.
有那种冰淇淋店 你们肯定成天去
You know you would fucking go to that ice cream place all the time.
哦 桑德勒
Oh, Sandman.
太过火了
That's too much.
好吧
Okay.
我准备一下
Just getting ready.
谢谢大家
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
嗯
Yeah.
谢谢
Thank you.
谢谢大家
Thank you.
谢谢大家
Thank you.
奶奶！
Grandma!
那是怎么回事？
What the fuck was that?
在每个笑话之后…
After every joke...
我们不常表演这首歌♥
This is one that we don't play that much
但我想 这里是他妈的新泽西啊
But, uh-- but I figured it's fucking Jersey.
我想你们可能会喜欢的
I think you guys might enjoy this.
开始了
So here we go.
太棒了 女士们先生们
Very nice, ladies and gentlemen.
谢谢你们
Thank you.
我要给你们讲一个 迪士尼世界的真实故事
So I'll tell you a little story about Disney World.
你们想听关于亚当桑德勒的 真实故事吗？
You want to hear a true Adam Sandler Story?
好的
Please, I can-- Okay. -
你们都去过迪士尼世界 对吧？
So you guys have been to Disney World, right?
一家人一起去的？
The families have been there.
哪些人没孩子却依然去迪士尼世界？
Who doesn't have kids and still goes to Disney World?
你们这帮大♥麻♥疯子
You fucking stoners.
真是败给你们了
I'm on to you.
我最近和我老婆以及两个孩子 去了迪士尼世界
All right, so I go to Disney World recently
我的孩子们想坐过山车
with my wife and the two kids.
他们特别兴奋
My kids wanted to go on this roller coaster.
所以 我们排队等着
They were very excited. So, we wait on the line.
就这么等着 等候的队伍很长
We're waiting. You know the lines are very long.
于是我们等了1小时15分钟
So, it takes like an hour and 15 minutes.
终于到了队伍最前面
We get to the front of the line,
到了过山车旁边我们才发现
and then the roller coaster, we find out,
一次只能
only takes
坐三个人
three people at a time.
而我们有四个人
So, there's four of us.
而我看到我老婆和两个孩子
And I see my wife and the two kids
立即开始往过山车那里走
just immediately start walking to the thing.
连丢硬币都省了
And I was like, we're not even gonna flip a coin. Not--
想都不想 知道吗？
Not even a thought, right?
他们说：“不 不…”
They're like, "No, no..."
我说：“那好吧”
I was like, "Yeah. All right."
所以我坐在那里 很愤怒
And so, I'm sitting there very angry.
我气坏了
I'm stewing.
“我他妈等了1小时15分钟
Like, "I waited a fucking hour and 15 minutes
就为了和你们坐这鬼东西
to go on this fucking shit with you guys,
你们却把我扔下了”
and you fucking bail on me."
然后我看到同样的事情发生在 一位来自俄克拉荷马州的父亲身上
Then I see it happens to some other dad from Oklahoma, and he's muttering.
他喃喃道：“妈的混♥蛋♥…”
He's like, "Goddamn motherfucker...
骂得可凶了
They're mean as shit.
我说：“好啊”
And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah."
于是我和另一个爸爸说
And then I say to the other dad,
“你想和我一起坐吗？”
I go, "You want fucking me and you to go on it together?
他说：“什么？” 我说：“我可不想一个人坐
And he's like, "What?" I go, "Well, I'm not going alone.
咱们一起坐过山车吧”
Let's fucking do this shit. I'll go with you."
他说：“好啊 你♥他♥妈♥想干什么都行”
And he's like, "Yeah, whatever the fuck you want."
所以...
And so...
所以我和这家伙一起坐上过山车
So I get on the roller coaster with the guy
两个人一个字都没说
and we're both not talking to each other.
过山车启动了
The roller coaster takes off,
你知道的 启动速度特别快…
and you know how they take off so fucking fast...
我们俩的脖子都往后一闪
that both our necks snap back,
我们望着彼此
and we look at each other.
那家伙说：“把我吓坏了”
And he's like "Ooh, that got me."
我说：“哦 对 太见鬼了”
I was like, "Oh, yeah, that was fucked up, man."
我们开始渐渐笑起来
We start laughing a little bit.
两个人忽然放松了下来
And we're fucking all of a sudden loosening up.
我们迅速动着 疯狂地拐着弯
And we're fucking doing all the-- jetting, banging into these fucking crazy turns.
然后我全身都靠在了这家伙身上
I'm fucking leaning, 100% leaning on the guy.
他看着我 好像在说： “他妈怎么回事？”
He's looking at me like, "What the fuck?"
“就这样了”
I was like, "Hey, here we are."
然后我们笑个不停
And we're laughing our asses off.
我说：“天呐 我至少11年
And I'm like, "Holy shit, I haven't been this happy
都没这么开心过了”
in at least 11 years.
我他妈… 飞来飞去
I know that, but whatever, I'm fucking... jetting around,
一圈一圈地飞驰
fucking doing loop-the-loops.
我们俩击拳相庆