亚当·桑德勒：100%新鲜（2018）

I only got a few years left.
我要你们记得我本来的面目
I want-- You should remember me how I am,
带着这对巨大的…”
with these giant..."
我的蛋蛋没那么大
My balls are not that big,
但它们和我的身体还是不成比例
but they still don't make sense on my body.
我的鸡鸡看上去像坐在 一个豆包椅上一样
My dick literally looks like it's sitting in a bean bag chair.
真的好舒服 从来都不…
Yeah, it's so comfortable. My dick never...
从来都不会离开我的蛋蛋
it never wants to leave the balls.
就那么歇着
It's always just resting.
真的很舒服 好像在说：“我爱你们 你们是我最好的朋友”
So nice, like, "I love you guys. You're my best friends."
我崭新的大蛋蛋给我和我老婆之间 带来了麻烦
The new giant balls get me into trouble with my wife now,
因为我们都不太习惯它们
because we're both not used to them.
我在她身后卖♥♥力干着
I'm behind her doing my thing,
你在你老婆身后 通常会干的事情
what you do when you're behind your wife.
我听到我老婆说：“嘿 别打我屁屁”
And I'll hear, "Hey, hey, no spanking."
我说：“我可没打
I'm like, "That wasn't me.
是那俩货”
That was-- That was those guys, babe."
她说：“哦…
And she's like, "Oh...
哦 你又耍了我”
Oh, you got me again."
好吧 这首歌♥献给同居
Okay, this is for the people who either live together
或者已经结婚许久的人们
or have been married for awhile.
好 这首歌♥献给你们
Okay? This is for you.
谢谢大家
Thank you.
哟 桑德勒 你最喜欢的蔬菜是什么？
Yo, Sandman, what's your favorite vegetable?
甜菜 懂吗？
Ah-ha, we get it.
哦 操
Oh, shit.
耶
Yeah.
站起来，竞技场上的每个人都疯了
Get up! Oh, everybody in the fucking arena go fucking mental!
谢谢
Thank you.
那个阴♥道♥屁…
The vagina fart
已经放了好久 姑娘们
has been around a long time, girls.
没关系 很有意思的
No problem. It's fun.
我得说 阴♥道♥屁
The vagina fart, girls,
每回还是能吓到你
I gotta say still gets you every time.
大家 在场的所有人
Everybody. Every fellow here
都如此享受它们
enjoys them so much.
姑娘们 继续放吧
Just keep them coming, girls.
它能给房♥事带来娱乐
It just provides entertainment in the bedroom.
男人们从来不发表任何意见
Guys do not say nothing about it.
男人们每回都会无视它
Guys will fucking ignore it every time.
因为啊
Just because, you know,
如果你就此发表意见 就完蛋了
if you comment on it, it's fucking over.
你得爬起来走人
You're getting up and leaving and that's it.
所以你的态度得是 没什么 无所谓
So you're like, "Okay, whatever the fuck that was,
男人只想…
let's keep...
咱们继续吧
Let's keep going forward."
我曾经和阴♥道♥屁正面交锋
I have been face-to-face with the vagina fart.
我被老婆的阴♥道♥屁打了个正着
I've been tagged pretty hard by my wife right there.
我啥也没说
I don't say shit.
我可能会…
You know, I might go like, "Uh."
我可能会做出这种手势
I might give her one of those.
但我总是回到正题 完成正事
But I always get right back in there and finish off when I started.
如果我老婆
You know, if my wife
一次性对我放出四五个阴♥道♥屁
hits me with like four or five of them in a row,
我可能会说：“我觉得你该去做几个
I might say, "I think you've got to do some
弹跳什么的
fucking jumping jacks or some shit.
拿根棉签
You know, get a Q-Tip,
插♥进♥那…
fucking pop that...
有什么不对劲
You got-- Something's wrong.
你身上有什么不对劲
Something's going on with you.
但等你回来了
But when you come back,
我要让你爽上天
I'll fucking finish you good.
我保证
I promise you.
如果角色反过来…
If it was reversed...
我敢说…
let me just say...
姑娘们对我们可没这么好气
the girls would not be as sweet to us.
如果是鸡鸡屁
If there was a dick fart,
如果是这样…
if there was such a--
这世上没有鸡鸡屁 但假如有…
There's no dick fart, but if
鸡鸡屁…
there was a dick fart...
不会有多少动静
And it would be nothing.
鸡鸡上的孔那么小
It's such a little hole.
不会有多大动静的
The sound would be nothing.
你们的阴♥道♥构造
Your vaginas literally are like
生来就是为了发出隆隆巨响
acoustically fucking made to blast out a boomer.
而我们的反应是：“好吧 咱们假装什么都没有发生”
And-- And we're just like, "All right, let's play it off like it didn't happen."
如果有鸡鸡屁 你们会…
With a dick fart, you'd be like--
它最多听上去是这样的…
At the most, it would sound like...
而你们会说：“那他妈是什么？”
And you'd be like, "Whoa, what the fuck is that?"
我很紧张 我也不知道
"I'm nervous. I don't know.
你不觉得很可爱吗？
You don't think that's cute?
听上去像个迪士尼角色
It sounds like a little Disney character.
“仙德瑞里”
Cinderelly."
“我要离开你”
"I'm leaving!"
我们得假装它没有发生
We'd have to play it off like it didn't happen.
好像：“不 我想茶好了”
Like, "No, I think the tea's ready.
我老婆有一次用连环阴♥道♥屁
My wife, one time, hit me in the face
袭击了我的脸
with a combo platter.
她用阴♥道♥屁袭击了我的嘴…
She hit me with the vagina to the mouth...
往上
Up high.
与此同时
At the very same time,
她又用另一个阴♥道♥屁 袭击了我的脖子…
hit me in the neck with the other...the, uh...
她在同一时刻上下连击
She came up high and down low at the very same time.
我他妈不知道发生了什么
I fucking don't know what happened.
20年来第一次
One time in 20 years.
妈的… 正中我的脸
Just fucking bam, in the face,
和我的脖子
one in the neck.
真是重重的一击
Fucking hit me hard, it was like the perfect storm.
我们不知道她那天吃了什么
We don't know what she was eating that day,
但他妈不管是什么
but whatever the fuck it was,
她都把我弄得够呛
she got me good.
我得说 那感觉就好像
I've got to say, it literally felt like
有人在飞机上打开了机舱门
somebody opened the door on a fucking airplane.
就好像：“哟！”
It was like, "Whoa!"
空气中有碎片…
There was debris in the air
还有他妈的…
and fucking...
其他乘客在我房♥间的
Other passengers were floating
半空中漂浮
through my fucking room.
过道的氧气罩掉了下来
Oxygen masks dropped down. You know, I was...
我他妈立即拿起来…
But I fucking took it like...
我真的希望在场有别人看见了
I did wish someone else saw it.
真的很不可思议
That was fucking incredible.
然后我听到那只鬼说：
And then I hear the ghost go,
“我看到了 哦 我的天呐
"I saw that shit. Oh, my God.
把我手里的尺子都给吹掉了”
It fucking blew the ruler out of my hand."
我最近告诉我老婆
So I tell my wife recently
我想试试肛♥交♥
I would love to try anal.
我对我老婆说：
And I say to my wife,
“嘿 我想试试肛♥交♥”
"Hey, I would love to try anal."
她说：“我不想”
And she goes, "Oh, I wouldn't."
然后我说…
And then I say, "Oh."
我说：“但我想”
I said, "But I would."
她说：“嗯 我知道 我听说了”
And she goes, "Yeah, I know. I heard."
然后我说：“好吧 咱们…
And then I said, "Okay, so let's..."
我真觉得我们该试试”
I really think we should.
她说：“我对这个不感兴趣”
She goes, "I'm just not into that."
然后我说：“知道吗？
And then I said, "You know, what?
我爱你
I love you.
我余生都会和你在一起
I'm gonna be with you for the rest of my life.
我跟你在一起20年了
I've been with you 20 years.
我从没出过轨