亚当·桑德勒：100%新鲜（2018）

Wouldn't that be great?
我从小到大一直在想：
I was always growing up, going,
“天呐 我非得学会翻跟头不可
"Man, I've got to get a flip going.
要是我会翻跟头 人人都会爱我的”
Everybody will love me if I could just do a flip."
大家都会说：“你看到桑德勒了没？
Everybody would be like, "Whoa, did you see the Sandman?
他翻了个跟头”
He popped out a flip."
我只想去马肖尔折扣店
I just wanted to be in a fucking Marshalls or something,
买♥♥点便宜衣服 然后说：“瞧瞧这个”
buying some cheap clothes and going, "Hey, watch this."
翻个跟头 然后收银台的女士 会说：
Pop a flip and have the fucking lady at the cash register go,
“你们他妈看到那个 翻跟头的孩子了吗？”
"Did you fucking see that kid with the flip?"
我会说：“我总是这么干”
I'd be like. "Hey, I do it all the time."
但我从没学会
But I never got that one down, man.
真希望我学会了
I wish I did.
我不知道怎么练习
Always I was like-- I didn't know how to fucking practice.
问题就在这里
That was the problem.
我不知道怎么迈上第一步
I didn't know how to do my first try.
我总是尝试了一半
I would always get to right about here,
就告诉自己：“还是算了吧 我会受伤的”
and then go, "Ah, I don't know. I'm gonna get hurt."
等我年纪大点后
And when I got older,
我想说一口流利的意大利语
I wanted to learn how to speak fluent Italian too.
而我做到了 做得很棒
And I did that. I mastered that.
有一次我在意大利 见到了教皇本人
So, I'm in Italy, and I meet the Pope himself,
我用流利的意大利语向他说道：
and in fluent Italian, I say to him,
“我热爱你对教堂做的一切
"Hey, I love what you've done for the Church.
我热爱你对世界做的一切
I love what you you're doing for the world.
美国向你问好
America says, 'Hello.'
我能上天堂吗？”
Am I getting into heaven?"
他用意大利语问道：“你会翻跟头吗？”
And in Italian he says, "Can you do a flip?"
我说：“妈妈咪呀！”
And I was like, "Madonne!"
操
Shit.
你有没有那种救了太多动物…
Did you ever have a friend who rescues too many animals
其他什么事也不干的朋友？
and, like, never can do anything?
“嘿 几天后你想出去吗？”
"Hey, you want to go out in a couple days?"
“不 我的鸡眼睛掉出来了
"Ah, no, my chicken's eye fell out
我得把它粘回去”
and I've got to paste it back on."
“好吧 应该不会花太久”
"Oh, okay. That shouldn't take that long."
“还有 我的一只鸭子不呱呱叫了…
"Well, one of the ducks, she isn't quacking, so...
我得去看看”
I've got to look into that."
好吧
Okay.
顺便说句 我从没见过这人
By the way, I never met this man.
这首歌♥是比吉斯乐队风格的
Uh, this one is kind of a Bee Gee-esque tune.
你们喜欢比吉斯吗？
Kind of a... You like the Bee Gees out there?
我很喜欢他们
I always liked the Bee Gees. -
谢谢
Thank you.
对
Oh, yes.
怎么回事？
What the hell happened? -I fucked it up.
不！你不能从头再来
No! You don't just start over!
向我道歉
You apologize to me!
你不能对桑德勒那么做
You don't just do that to the Sandman!
好吧
Okay.
咱们再来一次 我们把这段剪掉就好
Let's start again. We'll cut around it.
还没开始
Not yet!
开始
Hit it!
好 好 好
Yes, yes, yes.
妈的
I fucked up. All right, sorry.
桑德勒才不会搞砸
Fuck that shit!
从上面
The Sandman don't fuck up.
哦 棉花糖让我性♥欲♥高涨
Ooh, from the top.
跟我一起唱
Let me hear you.
来吧
Let's go.
谢谢
Thank you.
好的 我们又来了一遍
Yeah, okay, we did that again.
我觉得我比第一遍表现好
I think that was better than the first time.
你们觉得呢？对 对
Do you? Yes, yes. Absolutely.
好的 再来一首歌♥
Okay, here comes a song.
多点舞蹈
More dancing.
是的，先生
Yes, sir.
来 来 来
Here we go, here we go, here we go.
该一起打拍子吗？
Should we clap along?
好的 别打了 我很讨厌
All right, let's lose that. I hate it. -
抱歉
Sorry.
你们是对的
You were right on it.
这是我的怪癖
It's a thing of mine, man. I don't fucking like that shit.
我不喜欢打拍子
It was startling me.
不！
No!
谢谢大家
Thank you. Thank you.
我真是三面手啊
I'm a triple threat though.
你们之前不知道 我舞跳这么好
You didn't know I could dance that fucking good.
我从小到大上了太多课
Took many lessons growing up, man.
呼啦圈
The hula-- The hula hoop.
顺便说句 呼啦圈看上去很色情
Hula hoop, by the way, is very horny looking.
我在我小孩的生日派对上时
When I'm at my fucking kids' birthday parties
有个孩子给了我一个呼啦圈 我摇着呼啦圈
and some kid gives me a hula hoop
感觉很恶心
and I'm doing it, I feel so fucking gross. I'm going...
其他家长说道：“他妈怎么回事？”
You see other parents like, "What the fuck?"
你有没有和你的女儿一起玩 迷你高尔夫
Do you ever play miniature golf with your daughter
然后在第18个洞打成平手？
and you're tied on the 18th hole?
然后在她向后挥拍时
And in the middle of her backswing,
你说道：“我今早给你妈口♥交♥了”
you just say, "Hey, I tea-bagged your mother this morning."
然后你家小孩把球打进洞里 说：“嗯 我知道 我看见了”
And then--And then the kid sinks the putt and goes, "Yeah, I know, I saw."
然后你说：“这孩子注意力 真是集中”
And you're like, "This kid stays concentrated."
她真是棒极了
She's fucking good.
注意力好集中 将来能成大器
She's got focus. She could be somebody.
今晚的观众里有已婚夫妇吗？
Are there married folks out there tonight?
已婚夫妇
Married folks.
好吧 这首歌♥献给你们
I love it. Okay, this is for you guys.
谢谢大家
Thank you.
结婚很棒 大伙
Marriage is good, guys.
结婚很棒
Marriage is good.
要是你没结过婚 有天你会喜欢上的
You'll like it one day if you're not married.
你得保持神秘感才行
You just got to keep it mysterious.
你得时刻保持神秘感
You got to keep the mystery alive.
比如说 有时我老婆不知道 我消失几个星期是去了哪儿
Like, my wife has no idea where I go for weeks at a time.
这是个大谜团- 你告诉她今晚你在哪？
It's fucking-- It's a big mystery. -You tell her where you are tonight?
嗯 她知道我在这里
Yeah, she knows I'm here.
我孩子不知道
My kids don't.
我跟他们说 我下楼拿个苹果而已
I just said I was going downstairs to get an apple.
我总是收到小孩学校的邮件 说我得去学校
I always get these emails from the kids' school that I've got to come in.
说是什么“厉害周二”…
"It's Terrific Tuesday...
必须得去学校
Make sure you come in."
“厉害周二”是什么鬼？
And you're like, Terrific-- What the fuck is Terrific Tuesday?
你得去学校
Well, you come by the school
告诉孩子们他们有多厉害
and you tell the kids how terrific they are.
我说：“哦 口渴周四”
And I'm like, "Okay, Thirsty Thursday."
口渴周四 来学校
It's Thirsty Thursday. Come by.
帮助孩子们灌满水瓶
You know, you help the kids fill their water bottles.
我的学校生涯里
I'm like, my father literally came to school
我爸只来过学校一次
one fucking time my whole school career.
他在一场考试中间打开门
He opened the door in the middle of a fucking test,
我听到他说：“你把耙子放哪儿了？”
and I hear, "Where'd you put the rake?
我的反应是…
I'm like,
“什么？”
"What?"
“你放钉子上了吗？”
"You put it on the nail?"
“我应该放了” -“你应该放了”
"I think I did." -"You think?
“不在那里”
"It's not there."
“好吧” -“好什么好”
"Okay." -"It's not okay."
“我放学后再拿给你”
"I'll get it for you after school."
“不 现在就拿给我”
"No, you'll get it now!"
好吧 下一首歌♥
Okay, here we go.
他在那儿呢！
There he is!
开玩笑的