亚当·桑德勒：100%新鲜（2018）

各就各位…
Okay, ready, and...
亚当 你随时可以开始
Take your own cue, Adam.
开始！
And action, Dan!
100%新鲜
电动汽车去死吧 你该…
Fuck those cars. You should....
我有一辆 我有一辆电动汽车
I have one. I have an electric car.
但至少我有点素养
But at least I have the decency when I'm driving,
我开车时会把头伸出窗外
to put my head out the window and go,
说道：“桑德勒来了”
"Here comes the Sandman."
“桑德勒来了 注意”
"Sandman coming. Watch out."
还有那些能无人驾驶的特斯拉？
How about those Tesla's now driving themselves?
那些特斯拉很酷
Those Teslas, that's pretty cool.
它们可以无人自动驾驶 真牛逼啊
They can drive themselves. Holy shit, man.
如果我出了车祸 撞我的是一辆 无人驾驶的特斯拉
I got in an accident with a Tesla and nobody was in there,
我不知道该跟谁交换信息…
and I didn't know who to exchange the information with...
我开始尖叫：嘿 你个混球
and I started screaming, Hey, you fucker.
妈的怎么回事？”
What the fuck?
而特斯拉的雨刷器摆动着
And the Tesla's, you know, fucking windshield wipers are flappin' about.
我说道：“那他妈是什么意思？ 是你干的”
And I was like, "What the fuck does that mean? You did it."
而它的车灯开始忽明忽灭
And its fucking lights are going on and off.
好像在说：“好吧”
Like it's saying, "Okay. All right." And, uh...
然后我们上了法庭 我说：
Then we go to court
“我要毁了这鬼东西”
and I'm like, "I'm going to fucking destroy this thing."
然后特斯拉戴着颈托出现了
And then the Tesla shows up in a neck brace,
我说：“该死的
and I say, "Oh, give me a fucking break.
真是个说谎精 他是个说谎精”
What a liar. He's a fucking liar."
你有没有去过别人家
You ever go over to somebody's house
然后…
and, uh...
你按响门铃 一个男人应了门
you ring the doorbell and the guy answers,
说道：“把鞋脱了”
and he says, "Hey, take your shoes off"?
你说：“哦 天呐 好吧”
And then you go, "Oh, God. Okay."
然后他说：“把袜子脱了”
And then he goes, "Hey, take your socks off."
你说：“把袜子脱了？”
And you're like,"Take my socks off?"
他说：“把裤腿卷起来”
And then he goes, "Roll up your pants."
你说：“把裤腿卷起来？”
You're like, "Roll my pants up?"
他放下一些葡萄
He puts some grapes down,
说道：“开始踩葡萄吧”
and goes, "Start stomping the grapes."
你说：“这个是在干吗？”
You're like, "What the fuck are we doing?"
他说：“做葡萄酒！”
He's like, "Making the wine!"
“你给我做葡萄酒”
"You make me the wine."
我老婆总是往我脸上抹面霜
My wife's always putting lotion on my face.
洛杉矶的人是不是在脸上 抹了太多面霜？
Don't you put a lot of lotion on your face out here in LA?
我老婆简直把面霜到 肥皂泡沫用
My wife fucking really lathers on the lotion.
她说她是为我好
She always says she's looking out for me.
她抹得面霜太多了 太多了
She just puts a lot of lotion. Like, there's too much.
而且又不抹进去
Doesn't rub it in either.
她就那么直接抹在我额头上 脸颊上 鼻子上…
She just puts it on my forehead, my cheeks, my nose...
然后我发现 在跟我之前
Then I found out, before me,
我老婆曾经和一个柠檬蛋白派 约会过
my wife used to date a lemon meringue pie.
她还是喜欢他
And I was like--
我知道她很喜欢
She still likes him. She still likes him. I know she does.
我才不管
I don't give a shit.
我父亲曾经刮…
My father used to shave--
我爸爸有大胡子
My dad had a beard,
每十年才刮一次胡子
and then, literally, every ten years would shave his beard.
他事先不通知我们 就冷不丁地把胡子刮了
Like, didn't ask us, just fucking came out of nowhere, shaved.
我爸每次刮胡子
It was-- Any time my father shaved his beard,
都是他唯一展现脆弱的时刻
it was the only time you saw him look vulnerable.
也就是他从厕所里出来的那刻
When he first came out of the bathroom,
他是这样的…
he was like...
我说道：“爸爸有酒窝？
I was like, "Dad has dimples?"
我不知道爸爸有酒窝”
I didn't know Dad had dimples."
“会长回来的”
"It'll grow back."
“你干吗要刮了？”
Why'd you do it?
“我不知道
"I don't know.
有点…
It was...
有点痒”
It was itchy."
“你♥他♥妈♥痒了十年了”
"It's been itchy for ten fucking years?"
有一次我去朋友家
I went to my friend's house
他家有个加热马桶圈
and he had a heated toilet seat.
我坐在他的加热马桶圈上
I sat on his heated toilet seat.
不得不说 真让人放松啊
I've got to say it made you relax.
我的如厕体验大大提升了
I went a lot better than I usually go.
我说：“我好喜欢这个加热马桶圈 你在哪儿买♥♥的？”
I came out and said, "I like that heated toilet seat. Where'd you get that?"
他说：“我家没有加热马桶圈”
He goes, "I don't have a heated toilet seat."
你有没有走在街上和一个婴儿 说“嗨”？
You ever walking down the street and you say hi to a baby?
然后…
And, uh...
然后婴儿说…
And the baby goes...
你说：“嗯 好棒”
And you're going, "Yeah, that's great."
然后他母亲说：“他也可以和你说 ‘嗨’”
And then-- And the mother goes, "He can say 'hi' back."
你说：“是吗？”
And you go, "Oh, yeah?"
然后小孩说…
And the kid goes...
你说：“就是这样”
You go, "There it is."
孩他妈说：“不 他真的可以说的”
Then mother goes, "No, he really can say it."
小孩说…
And the kid goes...
你说：“真不错”
And you go, "Hey, that was great."
孩他妈说：“不 他真会说的”
The mother goes, "No, he really can say it."
小孩说…
And the kid goes...
你说：“他说了 已经说了对吧？”
And you go, "There it is. That was it, right?"
孩他妈说：“不！”
And the mother's like, "No!
“说嗨 说嗨”
"Say it. Say hi."
然后小孩说…
And the kid's like...
然后孩他妈说：“妈的 怎么回事？说啊
And-- And then the mother's like, "What the fuck? Say it!
你之前说了的” 小孩说…
You said it earlier!"
你说：“那是一整句话
And the kid's like...
比‘嗨’厉害多了”
And you're like, "Hey, that was a full sentence. That's better than 'Hi'."
孩他妈说：“怎么回事？
And the mother's like, "What the--?
我好生你的气 宝贝”
I'm so mad at you, baby!"
然后她把婴儿递给你
And then she like hands you the baby
说：“我得消气才行
and is like, "I've got to walk this off.
真是太让人沮丧了
This is very discouraging for me.
他原先明明说了的”
He said it earlier!"
然后你拿着婴儿 说道…
And you're holding the baby, like...
“说啊 快说啊
"Say it. Go ahead and say it.
说‘嗨’啊
Say, 'Hi'.
快点说 你让你妈好难过”
Come on, you really upset your mother."
而这小孩看着你 说…
And the kid's looking at you...
你说：“快说啊
And you're like, "Come on, get it out."
她会好受些的”
It's gonna make her feel better.
他说…
And the kid's like...
你说“你能做到的 加油”
And you're like, "You can do it. Come on."
而小孩说道…
And the kid's like...
“救命”
"Help me.
“她...不肯给我打疫苗”
She-- She...She won't let me get vaccinated."
没有证据证明疫苗到底 是好是坏
Come on, there's no proof that that's good or bad yet.
“我老是生病”
I been getting sick a lot
等等 今天是几号♥？
Wait, what day is it?
操
Shit.
审判是上个礼拜
The trial was last week.
而他被电椅处死了？
And he got the chair?
我老婆和我上起床来 非常重口味
My wife and I, we fool around pretty hardcore.
非常有激♥情♥ 可有意思了
We go at a pretty good. It's fun.
真的很棒 我们深爱彼此
You know, it's nice. We love each other
我们非常重口味
and we fucking go pretty hard and...
真的很疯狂 着了魔一样
It gets crazy. It gets pretty fucking nuts in there
因为只有我和她 没有别人
because it's only me and her, nobody else.
所以 我们说：“咱们什么都干吧：”
So, we're like, "Let's fucking-- Let's do it all," you know?
我们有个安全词
We do, uh-- We do have a safe word.
就是“真的吗？”
It's, "Really?"
我这辈子都想学会翻跟头
My whole life, I always wanted to be able to do a flip.
会翻跟头多好啊