腌黄瓜先生

Bouncer, we need more stringless tampons.
警长 为什么你裸着身体还带着一罐豆子
Sheriff? Why are you naked with a can of beans?
我姐姐 坎迪
My sister, Candy.
她总会给妈妈更好的礼物
She always gives Momma the better present,
但这次不会了
but not this time.
我给妈妈买♥♥了这些豆子
I got Momma these beans.
说真的吗
Seriously?
你觉得被吃的差不多的罐装豆子
You think a partially eaten can of beans
是个好的生日礼物吗
is a good birthday present?
之前还是满的 被一个侏儒吃了
Well, it was full before a midget ate some.
坏消息 警长
Bad news, Sheriff.
我已经和妈妈说好要带她出去吃晚餐
I'm already takin' Momma to dinner.
-什么 -在那家高级餐厅
- What?! - At the fancy restaurant!
你要在7点到
You need to be there at 7:00.
带上你的罐装豆子
With your can of beans.
该死
Aw, dang it!
我们离开这
Let's get outta here!
你就这样让他们跑了吗
You're just gonna let them get away?
快 驴子 去抓他们
Quick, donkey, go get them!
坎迪 你有衣服可以借我一下吗
Candy, you got any clothes I can borrow?
警长
老镇 下午5点35分
我们在找那个有性瘾的哑剧演员 劫匪
All right, we're lookin' for the humpin' mime, the robber,
偷车的恋驴癖 犯了罪的侏儒
the car-thief donkey-sexer, the midget convict,
还有坏小子
and the bad boys,
但我还是要给妈妈准备生日礼物
but I still need a gift for Momma's birthday!
看 礼品店
Hey, look, a gift shop!
礼品店
你去哪
Where are you going?
你不是该在上班吗
Shouldn't you be working?
但我要给妈妈买♥♥个礼物
Uh, but I need a gift for Momma...
行 给你
Oh, right, here you are.
太好了
Aah, it's perfect!
去抓那个有性♥交♥瘾的家伙
Now go get to the humping.
我知道 我也被侵犯了
Oh, I know. I got humped, too.
什么 你的钱在哪
Say what?! Yo, where that money at?
有个抢劫犯他
Oh, there was this robber who...
别人偷了你的东西吗
Someone stole from you?
对 偷了我的警车
Yep, took my cruiser.
然后就发生了与驴性♥交♥的事
And then there was this donkey-sex thing.
-什么 -你个臭婊♥子♥
- What?! - Oh! You dirty bitch.
我说过 我们想做体面的生意
I told you we tryin' to run a classy business!
不 我没和驴子性♥交♥
No, I didn't have sex with the donkey.
-抱歉 -多谢
- Oh, sorry! - Thanks.
-然后那个侏儒 -侏儒
- Yeah, then this midget... - Midget?!
他们更愿意被称作小矮人
They prefer to be called little people,
-你太无礼了 -婊♥子♥
- you offensive - Bitch!
对 逼我脱♥光♥衣服前他就是这么说我的
Right, he told me that before he forced me to strip.
你去过脱衣舞俱乐部
You were at the strip club.
那你肯定有些小费[提示]吧
Then you must have some tips, hmm...?
我有个提示 那些坏小子往那条路去了
Yeah, here's a tip... those bad boys went that way.
不过别担心 我会找到他们
But, don't worry, I'll find 'em.
对吧 伙计们
Right, fellas?
我上电视了
Hey, I'm on TV!
不 这是我的节目
No, no, this is my show!
婊♥子♥ 别跟我顶嘴
Bitch, don't you talk back to me!
就这样
That's it!
你被捕了
You're under arrest!
-不 便衣警长 -放开他
- Oh, no, undercover sheriff! - Get off off of him!
-跑 婊♥子♥们 -给我回来
- Run, bitches! - Get back here!
警长
老镇 下午6点15分
我们在找那个有性♥交♥瘾的哑剧演员 抢劫犯
We're lookin' for the humpin' mime, the robber,
偷车恋驴癖
the car-thief donkey-sexer,
在逃的罪犯侏儒 坏小子
the escaped midget convict, the bad boys,
皮条客 还有妓♥女♥
and the pimp and the prostitutes.
他们往这边走了
They went this way.
这里很瘆人
Oh, this place is pretty creepy.
之前从没注意到这里
Never even noticed this place before.
这是什么
Mm, what's this?
很诡异的东西
Pretty weird stuff, man.
-你应该感到害怕 -不要
- Yeah, you should be scared. - No!
-因为你被捕了 -不
- 'Cause you're under arrest. - No!
偷车恋驴癖也在这里
The car-thief donkey-sexer is here, too!
他不是偷车恋驴癖
That's not a car-thief donkey-sexer.
他是偷车恋驴杀人犯
That's a car-thief donkey-sexer murderer.
给我回来
Hey, come back here,
偷车恋驴杀人犯
car-thief donkey-sexer murderer!
晚上6:37 老镇
好好拍摄
Make sure you're rollin'.
猛料马上就要来了
You're gonna get the good stuff now, baby.
确认一下 我们在通缉一位
All right, check it, we got a car-thief
在逃的偷车恋驴杀人犯
donkey-sexer murderer on the loose.
还好 老镇有一位硬汉警长
Well, good thing Old Town's got a really tough sheriff.
救命
Help!
那是什么声音
What was that?!
我说过
Uh, like I was sayin',
无论情况有多可怕
no matter how scary things get...
我发誓我听到了什么动静
I swear I heard something.
差点给我吓尿了
Oh, man, I almost went pee-pee in my panties.
我是说 无论情况多可怕
I-I mean, no matter how scary things get,
警长必须一直佩戴着名叫勇气的勋章
a sheriff must always wear a badge of courage.
这段可以掐了不播 对吗
You guys can edit some of this stuff out, right?
偷车恋驴杀人犯
Car-thief donkey-sexer murderer!
举起手出来
Come out with your hands up,
否则我就开枪了
or I will make my gun go.
警长专用口头禅
Sheriff talk.
-不 别这么做 狗 -什么
- No, don't do that, dog! - What?
我才不是你的狗 伙计 我是警长
I'm not your dog, dawg. I'm the sheriff!
举起手出来
Come out with your hands up.
不 你要干什么 狗
No! What are you doin', dog?!
你以为我想干什么
What do you think I'm doin'?
我要把你送进监狱
I'm puttin' you in jail!
不 别把我进去
No, don't put me in there!
如果不想进监狱
Well, if you don't wanna go to jail,
那就别犯罪 笨蛋
then don't be a criminal, you silly head.
站住
Stop right there!
不然我就开枪了
Or I will shoot!
该死 贱♥人♥
Damn, bitch!
他挂了
He's dead.
什么 不好 我要在妈妈的生日晚宴上迟到了
Whah?! Oh, no! I'm late for Momma's birthday dinner!
但我不能穿成这样去
Oh, but I can't go, dressed like this!
你在这干什么 腌黄瓜先生
What are you doin' here, Mr. Pickles?
警长
晚上7:25 老镇
妈妈
Momma!
警长
Sheriff?!
我这一天都在帮你找完美的礼物
I was trying to find you the perfect present all day,
但我没找到
but I failed,
现在我没有礼物可以送给你
and now I don't have anything to give you.
但是 警长
But, Sheriff,
你确实给了我一份礼物
you did give me a present.
警长擒获偷车恋驴杀人犯
那是我
Hey, that's me!
我儿子是英雄
My boy is a hero.
这是一个妈妈能得到的最好礼物了
And that's the best present a momma could get.
生日快乐 妈妈
Happy Birthday, Momma.
终于赢你了 坎迪
Gotcha, Candy.
准备好点餐了吗
Are we ready to order?
我要罐装豆子 谢谢
Yes, I'll have the beans. In a can, please.
真的吗
Seriously?!
看来我还有一份礼物送你 妈妈
Oh, looks like I got you another present, Momma.
-是我的了 -给我回来
- Ha! Mine now! - Hey, get back here,
侏儒
Midget!
警长
我们总会找到那个小坏蛋的