布莱克书店（2000）

什么?!
THE WHAT?!
"如果你住在河边政♥府♥建的公♥寓♥里 但并非盲人..."
"If you live in a council flat beside a river but are not blind..."
什么?!
WHAT?!
"你母亲出嫁前姓什么?"
"What is your mother's maiden name?"
现在姓什么我都不知道?!
What's her first name?!
我只是叫她妈! 妈! 就是这样，妈!!!!
I just knew her as Ma! Ma - that'll have to do.
Ma.
可能已去世
Possibly deceased.
"你上半年不可退的支出...
"Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year
"...是否超出季度增值税的退额?"
"exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?"
很好，我所有的袜子都成对叠好了
Right, that's all my socks paired.
回去算帐!
Back to the accounts.
OK
OK.
"你上半年不可退的支出...
"Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year
"是否超出季度增值税的退额?"
"exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?"
喂，妈，是我
Hello, Ma? It's Bernard.
没事
No, nothing's wrong.
给自己妈妈打电♥话♥需要理由吗？
I don't need an excuse to call my mother, do I?
（11秒钟之后）
是的，我知道，是，是
I know, I am, yeah. I know.
我会的，知道，是
Yes. Yes. I will.
知道，是
I know. Ha. Yes.
是! 知道!
Yes! I know.
...好了，我要计算我的税金了!
Yeah. OK. Goodbye, I have to do my tax!
"你上半年不可退的支出是否..."
"Did your non-returnable outgoings..."
啊，感谢上帝
(Knock at door) - Thank Christ!
你好?
Yes?
你好，我们是否能与您探讨一下耶稣?
Could we talk to you about Jesus?
太好了，进来吧!
Great! Come in!
什么？ - 我很乐意听听耶稣的事
What? - I'd love to hear about Jesus!
他最近怎么样? 快进来
Come on in!
你确定？ - 是的，快，快进来
Er, are you sure? - Yes! In, in! Come in!
这是个圈套!
It's a trick!
通常人们不会说“好的，请进”
It's just... generally people don't say yes.
我不是人，进来吧! 让我们来谈论信仰
I'm not people - come on in, let's talk beliefs!
进来进来，随便坐
Come in, come in. Grab a pew.
我们开始吧
Right, let's go.
嗯，老实说，我们从没想过...
Well... to be honest we've never actually...
...可以进来
thought this far ahead.
感觉真不错...在屋里
It's, uh, it's nice in here.
Indoors.
你最喜欢哪个故事? 关于...关于我们的主
What's your favourite story about, er... Our Lord?
放债人，放债人的故事...
Money lenders, it has to be the money lenders.
...把他们逐出庙宇 - 这些人榨!
Chasing them out of the temple. - It is knock-out stuff.
那么你呢？ - 哦，都很好
And yourself? - Well, it's all good.
不过我想可能是他拯救 撒马利亚人的故事吧
I suppose when he rescued... when Jesus rescued the Samaritan.
不 那是耶稣讲的...
No, that's a story Jesus tells
关于撒马利亚人帮助其他人的故事
about the Samaritan who helps somebody else.
真的吗?
Really? Wow.
我还喜欢他与征税官一起晚餐的故事
I like the one where he went to dinner with the tax collector.
你们有什么东西可以让我读的吗？
And do you have any literature or... anything I could look at?
对了！
Oh, yes!
我们有那些书和杂♥志♥!
Those books and magazines!
书和杂♥志♥
(Both) Books and magazines!
(Beeping)
啊，医生 结果出来了吗?
Ah, there you are. Time for my results?
恐怕是坏消息，Bianco先生
It's bad news, I'm afraid, Mr Bianco.
那本小书...
The Little Book of Calm
...卡在了小肠与胰腺之间
is lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas.
如果它往左偏移1厘米 你必死无疑
If it rotates a centimetre left, you'll be dead in seconds.
哦，我的天... - 别说的太早
Oh, my God... - No, hold on a moment.
这只是最糟的情况 更有可能发生的是...
The other possibility, and this is more likely,
...那本小书向右偏进入尿道
is that the Little Book of Calm will move into the renal canal.
如果是那样，那么你能活...
If this happens, you could live for anything up to...
10年? 1年? 谁知道呢？
ten years, one year, who knows?
由于这会造成大面♥积♥损伤 所以在你上厕所的时候...
Because of the massive scarring caused by the book, however,
可能会遭受... - 哦，天啊
you could be in great pain... - Oh, my... Sorry.
...极度的疼痛 - 哦，天啊
...during that time - Oh, my God!
不好意思，我得走了
(Beeping) - Sorry, I have to go.
我们明天动手术 然后看看可以怎么办
We'll operate tomorrow.
你存活的几率蛮大的 有 30% ....
There's a good chance you'll survive - 30% I'd say -
...所以不用太紧张
so try not to worry.
好象小书上写的，嗯...
As the book itself says...
当你觉得紧张时...
um, "Whenever you're in a tight spot,
"试着想象你被放逐到一个 遥远的美丽小岛上"
"try to imagine being marooned on a beautiful desert island."
他那么说是因为每个人都有罪 是这个意思?
So he said that because no one's without sin, right?
没错，只是讲得很隐晦
Yeah, that's what he... But it was hidden.
因此耶稣与上帝其实是一回事?
So it's like God and Jesus are the one thing?
是的,你们确定不再多坐一会儿？
Yes. Are you sure you won't stay?
我们真的要走了，已经很晚了
No, really, we have to go, it's very late.
好吧，随便你们
OK, whatever.
那么有空再来坐坐 - 好的，好的
Call again though, yeah? - Oh, yes, yes.
Yeah, yeah...
再见 - 再见
Goodbye. - Yeah, later.
伯纳，你算完帐了吗？
Bernard? Finished with your accounts?
我把它们变成了一件漂亮的休闲外套
Yeah. I've turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.
伯纳~
Bernard!
这件外套是不错，可是你的帐怎么办?
I mean, it is a very nice jacket, but what about your accounts?
我不知道...你来做
I don't know! Will you do them?
这一开始就不对了 你不应该在这里除以10
Oh, you've got that wrong for a start - you divide by ten there.
不，不，我不干
Oh - no, no, no, I'm not doing this.
我要全神贯注地去陪伴朱莉
I have to give all my attention to being Julie's birth partner.
哦，看哪，这上面写了些什么
Oh! Look, look! There's something on the side!
哦，是15.99，哦，是我自己写的
15.99. Oh, no, I wrote that.
我现在怎么办，谁来帮我呢？
What am I gonna do? Who's gonna help me?
哦，比安科先生，你总算醒了
(Doctor) Mr Bianco, back with us at last.
我们有点...小问题，你瞧...
There's been a... complication.
我们试图取出那本书，但是...
You see, we went in to remove the book and, um...
用医学术语来说就是..它没了
Well, in medical terms, it's gone.
换句话说就是...它消失了
To put it another way, it's not there.
我不知道发生了什么
I don't know how this happened.
唯一的解释是你的身体...
The only explanation is that you assimilated it
在一夜之间吸收了它 当然，这通常是不可能的
into your system, which is impossible.
你觉得怎么样?
How do you feel?
在浴缸里加一些熏衣草...
Add a drop of lavender to your bath,
...你很快就能得到平静
and soon, you will soak yourself calm.
啊?
I'm sorry?
如果要冷静，就多吃蔬菜，水果
If you want to feel calm, eat more raw fruit and vegetables,
...酸奶 牛奶和种子类食品
yoghurt, milk and seeds.
嗯，或许你该休息一下
Er, maybe I should let you get some rest.
当你休息时 你是巡游你的土地的国王
When you rest, you are a king surveying your estate.
看看树林 看看草地上漫游的孔雀
Look at the woodland, the peacocks on the lawn.
你是自己那平静王国的国王
Be the king of your own calm kingdom.
啊，没错
Uh... Yes.
我知道了 - 我在算
I've got it! - I'm doing them!
我知道这是什么了 很简单，这是让你戒糖用的
I know what this is - it's for giving up sugar.
是的，它确实不是派这个用场的
Yeah, that's exactly what it's not.
很傻，是不是？
No, that's absurd, isn't it?
这是什么...卜啦卜啦...
What's this - blah blah blah blah blah blah
...免责条款...
yah yah blah blah... "Exemption clause,
"长♥期♥或短期患病或受伤的人
"person suffering from short or long-term injury or sickness
"可以延迟上交直至..."
"may defer their returns..."
等一下... 长♥期♥或短期患病或受伤的人...
Wait..."Person suffering from short or long-term injury or sickness
"可以延迟上交"
"may defer their returns..."
哈~哈~哈~哈
(Laughs)
伯纳，想都别想 你要真的弄瘸自己才能...
No, no, give it up, Bernard. You'd have to really cripple yourself.
你怎么能为了逃避算帐而那么做？
You're hardly gonna do that just to avoid doing accounts.
这本我给你特别优♥惠♥ - 真的吗？
This is on special offer. - Really?
是的，如果你打断我的腿就免费给你
Yes, it's free if you break my legs.
很公平 - 太好了，我拿好拐杖了，来吧
Fair enough. - Great!
等一下，我读过这本 这就是读沃德豪斯的问题,是不是?
I'll get the hobbling post. - Wait, I've read this.
That's the problem with Wodehouse.
好了，快来敲断我的腿
Yes, now break my legs.