笑料一火车（1998）

我们将在媒体前做一个简短的声明
We're going to make a brief statement to the press,
然后你就可以作你的声明了
and then you can make your statement.
记住 任何时候你感觉不想说下去了 就告诉我
Just remember, if you do feel at any time that you want to stop, just say.
女士们先生们 下午好 让我们开始吧
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. If I could have your attention, please.
这个家庭非常关心Simmons先生的失踪
The family are deeply concerned about the disappearance of Mr Simmons.
Simmons夫人想引起她丈夫的注意 如果你正在收看节目的话 请回家吧
Mrs Simmons would like to appeal to her husband, if he is watching, to return home.
现在 Simmons夫人有一份拟好的声明要读
Now, Mrs Simmons does have a prepared statement she'd like to read from.
Simmons夫人 你准备好就可以开始了
Mrs Simmons, when you're ready.
John 如果你正在收看这个节目 我们想让你知道我们非常想念你
John, if you're watching this, we want you to know that we miss you very much,
我们也非常非常爱你
and we love you very, very much.
我们需要
We need...
你还好吗 如果你不想就不必继续了
Are you OK? You don't have to carry on if you don't want to.
你确定吗
Are you sure?
我想强调一点 我们并不是在寻找Simmons先生
I would like to stress at this point that we are not looking for Mr Simmons
与Juliette和Anne Simmons被杀案件的关联
in connection with the murders of Juliette and Anne Simmons.
我们只是想把他排除在我们的审讯之外
We simply want to eliminate him from our enquiries.
你们能到场 我们再一次表示感谢
Thank you very much for coming, once again,
如果事情有任何进展的话 我们会与你们联♥系♥的
and we will keep you posted as to any developments as they transpire.
谢谢大家 再见
Thank you. Goodbye.
我恨你 Butler
I hate you, Butler!
哦 真酸
Ooh. Very tart.
本场比赛 正如外界传闻 是最劲爆的一场对决 Benny Kiang对抗Leonard Hulz
Now this, as they say, is the big one. Benny Kiang against Leonard Hulz.
如果您刚转到我台 提醒您正在收看的是第43届世界瞪眼锦标赛总决赛
If you've just joined us, you're watching the 43rd World Stare-Out Championship finals.
Leonard Hulz 他是如此的天才 令人难以置信的是他要到5月份才满18岁
Leonard Hulz, he's such a natural talent. Incredible to think he won 't be 18 until May.
今天来到现场的这团乱哄哄的人
And this massive crowd which has turned out today,
不得不提的是 他们中的绝大多数都是为了看这个来自切斯特菲尔德的年轻人
but the majority, you have to say, are here to see the youngster from Chesterfield.
是的 电视机前的你得为德国（有那么多脑残粉）感到些许的遗憾
Yes, and you've got to feel slightly sorry for the German.
我想说的是这里的几乎所有人都想看到Leonard胜出并进入决赛
I would say almost everyone here wants to see Leonard win and go on to the final.
而他今天也带来了他的幸运熊猫 Dee Dee
And he has his lucky panda, Dee Dee, with him today.
观众席里的许多女孩们也带了她们的熊猫来
And lots of girls in the crowd with their little pandas too.
据了解 他的粉丝俱乐部如今已壮大到了250, 000名成员
I read somewhere that his fan club is now 250, 000 members strong.
如果你加入粉丝团的话就会得到一个免费的熊猫
And you get a free panda when you join.
我的意思是 他是个 他是年轻人的英雄 不是吗
I mean, he's a... he's a hero to the young, isn 't he?
他可以说是那种会让年轻人收看瞪眼大赛并且说
He's the sort of man that will get young people looking at staring and saying,
"是的 我也想去瞪眼"
"Yes, I want to stare."
干我们这一行的 你得保持警觉
In my line of work, you have to be on your toes.
每天都有全新的挑战 这就是我喜欢的生活方式
There's a new challenge every day, and that's the way I like it.
我喜欢玩乐 尽管时不时我的身体就会不给力
I enjoy having fun, although every now and again my body lets me down.
但是现在我发现了Elaine Mason牌姨夫巾
But now I've discovered Elaine Mason's Misters.
Elaine Mason护士是霍金妻子 两人于1995年结婚 本剧1998年
它们吸收液体 还不会像小鸟牌护垫那样易燃
They absorb liquid, and they don't catch fire like Jay Pads.
因为它们吸收并隔绝空气
Because they suck in air and trap it.
最完美的是 因为姨夫巾是用泡沫做的
And best of all, because Misters are made of foam
它们能逐渐恢复形状 不会裂成碎片或被撕裂
they gradually regain their shape, and don't shred or tear.
Elaine Mason牌姨夫巾 你 值得拥有
Elaine Mason's Misters. Don't let your body let you down.
你今天为我准备了什么 Balu
What have you for me today, Balu?
我们在G部门的带领下捕获了逃跑的奴隶 阁下
We have captured the escaped slaves in sector G, Excellency.
把他们扔进了火坑
Throw them into the pit of fire.
连那个女人也扔了吗
Even the woman?
不 今晚送到我房♥间
No. Have her sent to my chambers tonight.
还有别的什么吗
Anything else?
是的 阁下 我们为你准备了一个全新的世界供你摧毁
Yes, Excellency. We have a new world for you to destroy.
一个肮脏的小星球 他们称之为
A filthy little planet they call...
地球球球球
Eaaarrrrth.
好极了
Excellent.
现在给我滚吧
Now leave me.
呃 你好
Um... Hi.
呃 上帝 我记不得我现在为什么要打电♥话♥了 呃
Um... Oh, God, I can 't remember why I was calling now. Um...
哦 见鬼 我记不住那个短♥信♥了 呃
Oh, shit, I can 't remember the message! Um...
哦 上帝 我得打给
Oh God, I'll have to call...
我是Balu 如果方便的话你可以拿支笔记记
Balu here. If you can just get a pen handy.
恐怕那个你想送到房♥间的女人已经被执行死刑了 对不起
I'm afraid that woman you wanted sent to your chambers was executed. Sorry.
但是我找到了东莞真爱发廊的电♥话♥
But I've got the number of an escort agency here.
号♥码是8765552122 出现这些糟心事真抱歉 再见
It's 8765552122. Sorry about the mix-up. Bye.
我们在周三晚上有一场足球比赛
We've got a football match on Wednesday night,
还要和几个小骚年出去喝一杯 待会儿我会再打电♥话♥给你的
and a couple of the lads are going out for a drink afterwards. I'll try and ring you later...
哦 看在上帝的份上
Oh, for God's sake.
哦
Oh...
哦 去他妈的
Oh, fucking hell.
和社会压♥迫♥者们吃午饭
新刽子手见面会
-闪闪 -闪闪
- # Tinky Winky - # Tinky Winky
-亮亮 -亮亮
- # Dipsy - # Dipsy.
-啦啦 -啦啦
- # Laa-Laa - # Laa-Laa
-波 -波
- # Po - # Po
天线宝宝
# Teletubbies
科学家们离实现"星际迷航"粉丝们的梦更近了一步
Scientists have come a step closer to realising the dreams of "Star Trek" fans...
废话 废话
Rubbish. Rubbish!
蠢货
Stupid man!
接下来频道2将为您呈现 Cindy Crawford带领我们走进她最爱的胸罩
Next on Channel 2, Cindy Crawford takes us through some of her favourite bras.
大人 我们抓住了试图离开Climier的Vorgon王子
Sire, we've captured Prince Vorgon attempting to leave Climier.
把他扔进冰坑里
Throw him into the pit of ice!
-就在那 -哪呢
- There it is. - Where?
-就在上面 看 看 看 -哪啊
- Just up there. Look, look, look. - Where?
看到那块石头 和最顶上的那块了吗 就在那中间
See that rock, and the one at the top? Right between it.
哪个 哪块石头
Which one, which rock?
-艾玛 我看不到 哪呢 -哎呀 仔细看看 看
- No, I can't see... Where? - Yeah, just look. Look.
-你可以看到的 看嘛 -看不到嘛
- You can see it, look. - I can't.
在那里 顺着我的手指 那里
There. Follow my fingers. There.
修女
维斯塔处♥女♥
-看不到 哪里 哪呢 -走近点看 在那下面
- No, where? Where? - Come a bit closer. Under there.
-就在那里 -哦 是的
- There. - Oh, yeah!
-你可以看头顶 -真不可思议
- You can just see the top of the head. - Fantastic.
看 那里有一个小的 哦我的上帝 快看
Look, there's a little one down there. Oh my God, look.
-她太可爱了 -天啊 她动作真快
- She's so cute. - Gosh, she moves fast.
-她还没有完全长大 -是啊 是啊 她还没有
- She hasn't developed the full... - No, no, she hasn't.
看那个 哦 上帝 真奇妙
Look at that. Oh, my God! Amazing.
-我还从来没有那么近地看过他们 -太不可思议了
- I've never seen them so close before. - It's fantastic.
相当奇妙啊
Absolutely fantastic.
嘿起来 她起来去吃早餐了
Hey up, she's going up for breakfast.
喂
Oi!
嘿 少女你又调皮了是不是
Hey, watch it, you, eh?
David 让我们来进一步了解一下这位叫Benny Kiang的选手
Let's just take a closer look, David,
在他的家乡圣地亚哥有一条街道以他的名字命名
at the man who's had a street named after him in his native Santiago, Benny Kiang.
本尼西♥藏♥野驴街 这名字好听得逆天了 是吧 John
Benny Kiang. It doesn 't get much better than that, John, does it, eh?
毕竟多少人能有本事让街道以他们的名字命名呢
How many people have got a street named after 'em?
没错 他是个巨人 瞪人界的巨人
No, he's a giant. He's a giant of staring.
不过似乎据说他的脾气不大好
There is a slight question mark over his temperament,
因为他的确经常闹上法庭
because he does tend to court controversy.
就在去年他和别人在加油站发生了争吵
Only last year he got involved in an altercation at a petrol station with somebody,
是因为无铅汽油还是什么的 我不清楚具体的细节
over some unleaded petrol or something, I don 't know what the details were.
但很显然 他狠狠地胖揍了别人一顿
But he hit somebody, and quite hard, apparently.
被揍的那个苦逼去缝了几针 重新接了下巴
And the man needed stitches, and his jaw rewiring.
不过 话又说回来 Benny也为此结束了自己的辉煌时代
But, anyway, Benny's done his time for that.
实际上 作为惩罚 他去给圣地亚哥流浪街头的孩子们上了几次关于瞪人的课
He actually gave stare-out lessons to street children in Santiago by way of a punishment,
所以 John 任何事情总有好的一面
so there's a silver lining in every cloud, John.
今天的裁判是 Ken Todd和Brian Featherhead
Today's match officials, Ken Todd and Brian Featherhead.
你们俩自从上一次心理疏导之后怎么样了
So, how have you both been since the last session?
这个 我不得不承认上周我们大吵了一架
Well, we did have one quite major argument last week, I have to admit that.
不过
But, um...
我们现在没事了
We got over it.
很好 很好 那么你们的性生活方面 怎么样
Good, good. And what about the sexual side, how's that been going?
我觉得算有一点改善吧
Well, I think there's been a bit of an improvement.
那你们有没有采取我的建议 试着改变你们通常做♥爱♥的地点?
Did you try my suggestion to make love in places you wouldn't normally...?
恩 有 其实我们在一家超♥市♥后面来过一发
Yeah, well, um... we tried it behind a supermarket, actually.
感觉如何
How was that?
垃圾桶的味道有点大
Well, there was a bit of a bad smell from the bins.
没错 真的是 臭死了
Yeah, it was... They really stank.
唔
Mm.
垃圾桶里的金属碎片扎到我肉里去了
And I found the metal bits in the bins stuck into my flesh.
那地方脏兮兮的
Actually it was a bit grubby round there.