笑料一火车（1998）

其中之一是 你们会把办公室搞得乱七八糟臭气熏天
One of the reasons is...the stink and the mess in this office.
天啊 你习惯就好了嘛
Oh, get used to it! Come on!
我们的工作效率有多高你造吗 为了可以随时随地撸一发你造我们有多努力的工作吗
How well do we work? How well do we work when we can just wank at will?.
所有人都在寻找一个提高工作效率的好方法 现在这个就很好 对我们十分管用
Everybody's got a way of making it work.There's a good system, it's working for us.
请别禁止
Please don't stop it.
我加入这个工作团队 不是因为工资或者是退休金有多优厚
I became part of this team, not because of the pay or the pension,
而是因为 随时来一发的滋味儿真是太特么爽了 尤其是作为工作的一部分
but because frankly the wanking was great.It was exciting to be part of.
-你明明知道这已经成了不成文的规定 -也许是因为我曾经在法国工作过
- You knew what the policy was, so... - Maybe it's because I've worked in France.
-你就不能在家里撸么 -谁说我们在家就不撸的 但是你不能那么专♥制♥只让我们在家里撸
- What's wrong with wanking at home? - Well,We do, it's just you can't do it exclusively.
-总之 我禁止 -得了吧 绝对不可能的
- I want that stopped. - Bollocks. Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.
-抱歉 你这是变相的法♥西♥斯♥ -我不想把这件事闹大
- I'm sorry. It's just covert oppression. - I don't want to make a big deal of it.
别告诉我你不知道每次我们撸完之后都工作效率猛增 士气高涨
When we're wanking, performance is higher, morale is higher. Everybody knows that.
你还记得上次那个公益活动不撸周么
Remember when we didn't wank for a week, for charity?
记得
I do.
-那件事 我 -那段时间我们的工作是彻头彻尾的失败
- Well, l, l, l... - The business... We virtually folded.
我像你们一样喜欢打飞机 但是不见得所有人都喜欢 Peter 你不想说两句么
I like to wank as much as anybody else, but some people don't. Peter, you were saying?
-原来始作俑者在这儿呢 -我不喜欢
- There's a big surprise - I don't like it.
-怎么没见你之前有意见呢 -我之前说过了 我觉得有点太
- You should have said. - I have said. I find it really...
如果你在这栋写♥字♥楼♥里里做个问卷调查的话 就会发现
If you did a poll in the building, I think you'd find...
我觉得在办公室里打灰机好羞耻啊 有时候我一抬头就能看到James在那儿撸得特别嗨
I find it really embarrassing. Sometimes I just look up and I just see James wanking away,
然后我就觉得好恶心
and I just think it's disgusting.
打灰机是多么美妙的事情啊 还是说你的重点是看到我打灰机才不爽
Oh, that's nice.So the sight of me wanking is disgusting?.
-不 我不是 其实我 哎呀你知道我什么意思的 -我和你不是一挂的 我不明白
- No, I don't mean... You know what I mean. - I find it hard to understand what you mean.
-Peter的意思是说 -拜托 拜托 给我插句话行不
- What Peter's trying to say... - lf, if, if I may...
我不想像麻风病人一样每次撸一发的时候还要专门跑到一个特别逼仄的小房♥间
I do not want to be sent to a little room to have a wank like a leper.
-我就想在这儿撸 -那影响到我工作了 我是说真的
- I want to wank in here. - It's literally affecting my work.
-你从没跟我们说过 -我从Alexander那儿拿了份报表
- But you've not said. - I've got the figures here from Alexander's.
-看看 真是 -不是我弄的
- Look at that. And that's total... - That's not me.
这是12月份的资产总额报表 而且这确实是你弄的
That's total assets for December, right?. And it is you.
难道要我打给Alexander问他 能不能再传真一份给我吗
So I've got to get in touch with Alexander's, say, "Can you fax your figures through again?'
因为12月份的资产总额都看不清了 都被James的精♥液♥给糊住了
Because I can't see the total assets for December, because of James's semen.
你实在是太无♥耻♥了
It's outrageous.
我关注的是明天主管会怎么想
My concern is what the supervisor will think.
如果他看到现在这个状态
If he sees the state of this office - I mean, look at it!
我们会收拾干净的
We'll give it a tidy-up.
看看你不让我们打灰机的时候的业绩吧 那才叫低效率
Let's see the figures for when we didn't wank. I'll show you a company that didn't work well.
我不想再讨论这件事了 如果你们还有意见 写成书面报告给我吧
I don't want to discuss it any more.If you have any more complaints, put them in writing.
从明天开始，办公室里不准打灰机 就这么定了
But starting from tomorrow, no more wanking, OK?. Sorry.
Matthew 我刚刚说的你一句都没听进去吗
Matthew, have you been listening to a word I've been saying?
还是让我们看看大头Ted Stead吧
Let's just look at Ted "the Head" Stead.
美国任性的盯人小霸王 这是观众给的称号♥
Wayward boy of American stare mastery, they say.
他还真是个孩子
He's quite a boy.
Stead轻柔的敲了敲Hartha的门 可你说他进得去么
Stead knocking on Hartha 's door, but can he get in?
轻柔可不管事 得有更猛烈的撞击啊
Well, you need very big knockers for that, John.
好了 Stead 他
Well, Stead... Stead...
嗯 Stead
Um, yes. Stead...
这可是一个很大的
This is a massive...
这对Ted Stead来说可是一场大考验
This is a massive test for Ted Stead.
刚才是直播间发生的一点点欢乐小插曲 真是抱歉我没有hold住
A spot of... hilarity breaking in the commentary box. I really do apologise.
抱歉 太抱歉了
I'm sorry... I'm sorry.
因为赛马师更喜欢大草原上的野草 所以他们会在户外待上很长时间
Because they prefer the weeds of the plain, the jockeys spend long periods in the open,
不惜冒着被捕食者狩猎的危险 比如这只原来叫做王子的艺术家
risking attack from hunters, like The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
的确有一位音乐人就叫Prince
而在大肆享受这场盛宴之后 艺术家会进入睡眠
After feasting greedily on the carcass, the artist will sleep.
直到两天之后再一次捕食
It will be two days before he hunts again.
嗨 Vivienne吗 是 我是James
Hi, Vivienne? Yeah, it's James here.
啊 你好 是的 最近挺好的
Yeah, hi. Yeah, fine.
我打给你是想跟你说一下关于周五的聚会 是的 Peter和我一起去
Yeah, I'm just ringing about Friday's meeting. Yeah, with Peter.
是这样的 我才突然想起来他是个素食主义者 是的
Yeah, well, it just occurs to me that he's a vegetarian. Yeah.
所以到时候是不是应该安排一些
So if we can lay on some...
那真是太好了 别搞得太过火了 Elaine也在的
That's great, yeah. Nothing too mad because Elaine's gonna be there as well. Yeah.
啥 哦 是的 对了 还有个事是我比较担心的
And, what?. Oh, yes, there's another problem about Friday I was a bit worried about.
呃 我变成了一个口♥技♥师的木偶道具
Um, I've turned into a ventriloquist's dummy.
是的
Yeah.
不 不是你想的以前那种恐怖诡异的木偶娃娃
Yeah. No, no one of the old-fashioned, scary ones.
是
Yeah.
我是想说 我们是不是该告诉他 还是
Well, I was wondering, should we tell him, or...?.
因为我不想让他 是啊 是 最好还是见机行事吧
Cos I don't want him to get... Yeah. Yeah, probably best to play it by ear. Yeah.
好的 我会的
OK, yeah, will do.
好 谢谢你 亲爱的 回见
All right, thanks, darling. See ya. Bye.
让我们把视线转到三号♥场地的比赛
And we can go over now to the match on court three,
这是个墨西哥的业余小伙 他在锦标赛里表现的不错
where we have the young amateur from Mexico who's done so well in this tournament,
Arturo Giminez 他坐在左边
Arturo Giminez.There he is on the left.
上届奥♥运♥会上第一个得了金牌的墨西哥人
The first Mexican to take the gold at last year's Olympics,
可真是让墨西哥在盯人比赛中出了一把风头
which really put Mexico on the staring map.
而且似乎这场对战拉脱维亚人Ludek Mintz的比赛他显得胸有成竹
And he seems very much in control of this match against the Latvian, Ludek Mintz.
要战胜Ludek可不是件易事
It won 't be easy, John.
Ludek的话 他可不好惹 我是说真的
Ludek there, he's always a tough nut to crack... Literally.
嗯 是啊
Hm, yes.
现在是中场休息 业余比赛中最显著的特征
Well, here comes the stare break - a feature very much associated with the amateur game.
当然 专业比赛是不会有中场休息的
Of course, there are no stare breaks allowed in the professional game.
这是业余比赛的安全之处 比赛是在室内举♥行♥
The stare break very much a safety aspect to the amateur, as is staring indoors.
你还记不记得去年三个参赛者致盲引发的争论
You may remember the controversy last year when three amateur starers went blind
在室外阳光充足的时候举♥行♥盯人比赛
whilst staring outdoors on a sunny day.
是啊 我一直对那些孩子们说来着 David
Yes, I always say to the young kids out there, David,
好好享受比赛的乐趣吧 前提是得对潜在的危险有个提前的心理准备
please do enjoy your staring, but it's important to be aware of the risks involved.
那就是这个建议的过人之处
That's what's marvellous about this proposal.
我相信 部长 雄鹰干线超级列车会以革命性的姿态开启火车运输的新纪♥元♥
I believe, Minister, the Eagle Line supertrain'll revolutionise train travel in the new century.
那确实不错 如果真的能如你所说那么快的话
That's great, if it can get from London to Edinburgh as fast as that.
我是说 就像你刚才那样 不到一秒钟的功夫
I mean, what is it? It's just a fraction of a second.
不 不 实际运行过程中不会达到那么快的速度
No, no, well, the actual train wouldn't be quite as fast as that.
从伦敦到爱丁堡的话我觉得要三个半小时
I think London to Edinburgh is about three and a half hours.
好吧
Right, yes, of course.
抱歉 我得提前说好
Sorry, I should say, that train there though,
如果你的火车真像这一样这么小我是不会给你特许经营权的
there's no way we could give you the franchise if your trains were that small.
当然不会 那只是 这只是个模型
No, that's a...This is a model of the train.
真的火车会有 呃 就像真的火车那么大
The actual train would be about, well, it would be the size of a normal train.
当然 真的火车可比这个要大多了
Of course, yes, of course. The actual train will be bigger.
所以从爱丁堡到伦敦的时间就会更短不是吗
And if it's bigger, then it can get from here to here much quicker
看起来距离也没有多长 对吧
because that really isn't such a big distance, is it?
不 抱歉 我觉得您是不是
No, no. Sorry, I see what you...
这个不是英国
No, this isn't Britain.
这个只是英国的地图 英国实际上要比这个大得多
This is a map of Britain,and Britain is bigger than this.
噢 是啊 这是所有东西的缩小版
Yes, obviously. These are all obviously smaller versions of everything,
但是那不是证明了
but then doesn't that stand to reason that...
-这听起来会很傻 -没关系 您问吧
- This may sound stupid. - No, please.
好吧 如果火车变大了 国家也变大了
Well, if the trains are going to be bigger and the country is bigger,
那我们是不是需要一个
then won't we need a...
一个巨人来推火车
a giant to push the train?
嗯 这么着挺蠢的 不是吗
Yes, that's silly, isn't it?
火车不是 不是靠人力推动的 它们都是机动的
The trains aren't... They're notpushed by people, they're powered.
是啦 是啦 是啦 我知道啦 我也不知道刚才我想啥呢 啊
Yes, yes, yes, I've got it now.I don't know what I was thinking. Aargh!
-抱歉 您还好吧 -嗯 有那么一下我还以为
- Sorry. Are you all right? - Yes, for a second I thought I might be...
我还以为我是个巨人呢 但是我不是 对不对 我不是个巨人吧
might be a giant, but I'm not, am l? I'm not a giant?
并不是这样的 首相大人 世界上并没有什么巨人
No, Minister. There are no giants.
这就是这所学院如今如此出色的原因所在了
That's what makes this college as great an institution as it is today.
所以现在我要做的就是将这张1万英镑的支票交给
So now all that remains is for me to hand over the cheque for ￡10,000
这个让这一切成为可能 并且做出巨大贡献的人 Peter Newsgarden先生
to the man who's made it all possible and done so much work. Mr Peter Newsgarden.
已是深夜
# It's late in the evening
她为明天的装扮发着愁
# She's wondering what clothes to wear
她肯定会精心打扮
# She'll put on her make-up
梳顺她长长的金黄色的头发
# And brushes her long, blonde hair
接着她肯定会问我
# And then she'll ask me,
我看起来还好吗
# "Do I look all right? "
我会告诉她 是的
# And I say, "Yes"
今夜你格外的美丽
# "You look wonderful tonight"
我都在婚姻介绍所晃荡了快一年了
I've been going to dating agencies for about a year now,
所以我觉得吧 这个问题出在我挑人的眼光上
and I think the problem, really, is with my choice of person.
我没碰着任何符合我一般要求的女人 就是那种脸蛋漂亮身材修长且聪慧过人的
I'm not having any luck with my usual choice, which is beautiful, tall, intelligent women.
我觉得如果这样找不着的话 要不就找完全相反的
I think what I have to do, really, is go for the complete, absolute opposite.
那时我没准儿能碰上我的灵魂伴侣呢