笑料一火车（1998）

-您好 先生 -您好 先生
- Hello, sir. - Hello, sir.
您今天过得怎么样 先生
How are you today, sir?
我能帮您拎包吗
Can I help you with your bags?
为您击掌三声 啪 啪 啪
Three cheers for sir. Hip, hip, hip.
我敢打赌如果亚瑟王还活着 他也会打德国人的
I bet if King Arthur were alive now, he'd fight the Germans too.
-先生 今天橄榄球什么时候开赛 -我能在第一支球队里面打球吗 先生
- What time is rugger today, sir? - May I play on the first team, sir?.
大胖公鸡(大鸡♥巴♥...)
Big fat cocks!
Carstairs夫人怎么样了
How is Mrs Carstairs?
我觉得这里是世界上最好的学校啦
I think this is the best school in the whole world!
先生 为什么这只旧钟没有分针呢
Sir, why does the old clock not have a second hand?
我们能到外面去上课吗
May we have a class outside?
我在这的时候是多么得快乐啊
I've been so happy here.
但是他们不能关闭学校 他们不能这么做
But they can 't knock down the school! They can 't!
大臭胖公鸡(大臭鸡♥巴♥...)
Big fat smelly cocks!
-我们今天一定要学拉丁文吗 -大公鸡(大鸡♥巴♥)
- Must we learn Latin today? - Big cocks!
先生 我们能做祷告吗 为那些没能从战场上回来的战士
May we have a prayer, sir, for the soldiers who didn 't come back?
这是我母亲做的 先生 我的父亲病得已经非常严重了
It's from my mother, sir. My father is very ill.
-你屁♥股♥很臭诶 -大胖毛屁屁
- Your arse stinks! - Big fat hairy fannies!
-你也太吹毛求疵了 -你来闻 先生
- Giant knockers! - You smell, sir!
你的头上顶的是大屁♥股♥吧
Big fat arses on your head!
-你最后得到机会了吗 -哦 我不晓得 我今天有点唠叨了
- Have you got a chance in the last? - Oooh, I dunno. Got a bit of a nag this time.
-真的吗 那你呢 -我不晓得 不过 总归一切都会好的
- Really? How about you? - I dunno. Going's good, though.
喂 你们在这干什么 走开走开
Oi! What are you doin' here? Go on, out.
-你也是 喂 走开 -快滚
- And you. Oi, go on out. - Sling your hook.
走啊 快走开
Go on, out you go.
所以 怎么说呢 我去了那家酒吧...
So anyway, I went down that pub...
您正在收看的是第43届世界瞪眼锦标赛总决赛
You're watching the 43rd World Stare-out Championship finals.
本场比赛安排了Anan Nanak
We're all set for Anan Nanak
对抗英格兰的John Duran
against England's John Duran.
Duran这坑爹一般的姿势真是让人不得不吐槽一把
It's impossible not to comment on Duran 's unusual style.
嗯 我想说得是Duran对于喜爱他的观众来说分量可是格外的重呢
Well, all I can say is that Duran is never an easy draw for any of the favourites.
他是一名真正的勇士 而且...
He's a real battler and...
好吧 他不像那些个大人物一样天纵英才
OK, he may not have as much natural ability as some of the bigger names,
但是谁知道接下来会发生什么呢
but who knows what can happen?
这真是个大问题
This really is tremendous stuff.
就因为他这"坑爹势" 许多关于Duran的报道都没有被认真对待
Much has been written about Duran not being taken seriously because of his style
他也一直活在英国瞪眼第一人Andrew Dudley的阴影下
and always being in the shadow of Britain 's number one, Andrew Dudley.
但在1993年32岁的Duran是第一个登上这个锦标赛赛场的英国人
But at 32, Duran is the first Briton to reach this stage of the championship since 1993.
他显然和Danny Baker Chris Evans以及Gazza一起去了镇上
He apparently goes on the town with Danny Baker, Chris Evans and Gazza.
我真好奇他们谁会站出来付第一轮的酒钱
I wonder who pays for the first round of drinks!
我觉得那个会开得十分灰常以及极其地好
I thought that went really really well.
他们总是表现得很优异 一贯如此啊 都是很给力的观众
They're always good here, always. There's always a good crowd.
-你们来了很久了吗 -对啊 我们今天一晚上都会呆在这呢
- Are you sticking around for a bit? - Yeah, we'll be around for the evening.
嗯 你们自便吧
Well, help yourselves to the services.
这酒也很给力呢
The wine's very good as well.
是Frau和Frulein Grumblat吧 很高兴再次见到你们 希望你们喜欢今天的表演
Frau and Frulein Grumblat? Nice to see you again. I hope you enjoyed the show.
-祝贺你啦 -谢谢 这话我爱听
- Congratulations. - Thanks very much. I enjoyed it.
哎呀 你懂得啦 第一次世界大战结束之后就没什么好玩的啦
So, you know, there was nothing much to do after the First World War.
-你也知道我们这个国家现在是什么鸟样 -是的
- You know what a state the country was in. - Yes.
对我影响最深的人也许莫过于尼采了
Nietzsche is probably my main influence.
我觉得他的书很难懂 反正我是很难读懂他了
I found it hard to get through. It was a tough read for me.
也许 显然您是毫不费力了
Maybe... Obviously you...
不晓得啦 反正很难懂 我就是这么认为的
I dunno. It's hard to read, I just thought.
-哦 这个么 我这智商你懂的 -显然您肯定读懂了哇
- Oh, well, you know. - Obviously you read it and...
说到这（说到点子上了） 我想这就是我和您智商之间巨大鸿沟的所在了吧
And here we are. I suppose it's the difference between me and you.
诶 不会的 你不会这样
Eh? No, you won't.
您刚刚说的那个 那个
That stuff you were doing, was that...
关于乌克兰粮食短缺事件 是随口那么一说吗
The Ukrainian bread-shortage stuff, was that ad-libbed?.
-因为您简直太特么机智了 -哦 不是的 我为那个筹谋很久了
- Cause it was fucking brilliant! - Oh, no. I've had that for a while.
您抱怨生活毫无新意 然后就
You moan about not coming up with new stuff, and then... pow!
好机智哦 您应该对自己更加有自信啊 小伙伴
One fantastic idea. You should have more faith in yourself, matey.
我知道啦 就是 呵呵你懂得
I know. It's just... you know.
今晚多美妙
Been a really good night.
今天的演讲肯定让您觉得嗨爆了吧
You must feel like a bloomin' million marks after that speech.
我已经说过两回啦 我知道 但是这场演讲真心是顶级的 我很享受
I've said it twice already, I know, but it was top. I really enjoyed it.
好吧 你知道的啦 如我所说 今晚棒极了 给自己怒点32个赞啊
Well, you know, like I say, it was a good night, it was a good night, it was a very good night.
那么您要如何处置那些老♥共♥♥产♥党呢
So what are you going to do about the old Communists?
我想从外♥交♥部♥ 呃
The Foreign Ministry, that's where I want to get...
-滚床单啦 滚床单 -嗯
- Sex! Sex. - Mmmm.
呃
And...
-我想要 -一起滚床单
- I want to get... - Let's have sex.
我想要一个事实的真♥相♥而已 太失礼了 我敢说我真的太失礼了
I want to get a fact pack. That's so rude, I swear to God, rude.
去英格兰啊 英格兰很绅士啊 快去啊 就现在
England. England's great. Just go, now.
哦 我说 看啊 德国人来了 这不是我们想看到的
Oh, I say. Look, here come the Germans. We didn't expect that.
如果我得到了这份文件 我会自己去体会并且离开
And if I get a fact pack, I can just read that, and I'm off.
我想问的另外一件事实 您的下一场演讲是什么时候 因为我很期待
The other thing I was gonna ask is, when are you on next? Cos I wanna catch that show.
-因为如果像是今晚这样精彩的话 -哦 我在科隆（德国）礼拜四有一场
- Cos if it's anything as good as tonight... - Well, I'm doing Cologne on Thursday.
礼拜四我会去科隆 那天我正好去那里工作
I'll be in Cologne on Thursday. I'm working there on Thursday.
哦 很好啊 我很期待在那里见到你呢
Oh, well, I'll look forward to seeing you there.
你不累吗 真不累吗
Aren't you tired? Aren't you tired?
我要去趟洗手间 尿个尿（有胡扯之意）
Pissed, pissed up.
我等着滚床单等到黄花菜都凉了
I've really aged since we've been in this room.
-呵呵 我要转移阵地啦 我先走一步 -再见不送
- Listen, I'm gonna head off. I'm gonna hit the road. - Bye-bye.
-很高兴见到您 -哦 你还不走啊 是不是 苍天
- Nice to meet you. - Oh, you're not going, are you? Aw!
-别急嘛 -我很期待在科隆见到您
- Take it easy. - And I'll see you in Cologne, hopefully.
哦 我也很期待
Oh, I'll look forward to that.
期待能在科隆再见到你
I'll look forward to seeing you in Cologne.
好了吗 开始了
OK? OK.
女士们先生们 大家好 欢迎参加本次旅行
Good day, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the tour.
我是Gonilla 今天很适合出游 希望你们能喜欢这里的景色
My name's Gonilla. It's a beautiful day for it. I hope you enjoy seeing the sights.
我们从左手边开始 你们能看见一名女士 她有着灰常稀薄的头发
Starting on the left-hand side here, you can see a lady, and she has very thin hair.
薄到你能看到头皮 就像直接是头盖骨一样
It is so thin, you can see the head through it, like a skull.
她还不得不用眉笔把眉毛画出来
Also she has had to draw on her eyebrows with a black pencil,
因为她的整张脸上就没有一根毛
because she has no real hairs on her face.
我觉着要是你在她身后打一束强光 估计你就能看透她整个脑袋了
I think if you shone a bright light behind her, you would see through her head.
接下来 往远处看 同样在左手边也是一位女士
And then, a little further back, also on the left is a lady.
她的头就显得又红又肿
Her head is so red and puffed up,
她看起来像是要爆♥炸♥了一样 希望她不会啦
she looks like she will explode. Hope she doesn't!
她所有的神经和血管都暴涨着 就像那玩意勃起时一样狰狞
All the nerves and veins are standing out, like a penis.
她看起来怪异中透着迷茫 也许是因为她是吊睛眼吧
She looks strange and confused, maybe because she is a little boss-eyed.
那么现在 长着小胡子的年轻小伙子们
And now, young men with beards.
还有比这更怪异又碍眼的景色嘛 反正我是没见过啦
Is there a more strange or disturbing sight? Not in my lifetime.
当我看见长着胡子的小伙子的时候 我就会联想 哦 不 危险 是约克郡开膛手
When I see a young man with a beard, I think, "Oh, no! Danger! Yorkshire Ripper!"
最好的当然要留在最后啦
And now I have saved the best till last.
在我们后方 那两位 显而易见很不幸地是残疾人 他们还是双胞胎
At the back, these two, surely in terms of unfortunate deformity, they are twins.
左边这位 他长着巨头小脸
This one, on the left, he's got a big fat head with a little tiny face,
另一位仁兄呢 巨头上只长了一只耳朵
and on the other side the guy has a big face, but just one ear.
天下奇观
Incredible!
同时 他们看着厚实得就像木板一样
Also, they look as thick as planks.
感谢大家此次出游 希望你们喜欢 下回再见啦
So I thank you for the tour, I hope you enjoyed it, and to see you again sometime.
无限增殖这种实验我们要做多少回啊
Aggressive proliferation. How many times have we been through this?
-如果数据能在完美一些 -别这么说 数据我们都修饰过了 修过了已经
- If the figures were better... - No, we've covered... we've covered it.
我们不能一直在这死胡同里横冲直撞了
We can't just keep going round like this.
Alexander随时都可能出现 我们手里还没东西可以交差
Alexander's coming in any second. We've got nothing.
我们也许该把公♥司♥也让给德国人
We might as well give the Germans the company.
好了 听着 我有个主意 给我一分钟
OK, look. Here's an idea, OK? Just let me...
你在那做什么呢 Peter
What are you up to there, Peter?
我在想 我应该试试用这个来引开Alexander的注意力
I'm thinking, "Why don't I try and distract Alexander with this?"
这样他就不会知道发生什么了
And then he won't know what's going on.
-我觉得不错 -什么 就这样
- I like it. - What, that's it?.
嗯 不是 我也可以跳只小舞 就像这样
Well, no. I could do a little dance as well.Something like that.
嘿 我说 我还挺喜欢的
As I say, I like it.
我唯一的问题就是
The only reservation I would have
如果你站在那里Alexander有可能不会看到穿着内衣的你吗
is that Alexander might not see you in the bra and pants if you're standing over there.
-那没问题 我可以站在那里 -我觉得 这是个非常棒的主意
- That's no problem. I can stand over there. - I think it's an excellent idea.
可是 这个舞蹈 我们觉得那个怎么样
The dance, though...What do we think about that?
我可以做些像那样的事
I could do something like that.
我认为那是个更好的舞蹈
I think that is a better dance.
如果Alexander来到这 然后Peter穿着女式的小内内
If Alexander comes in here and Peter's wearing the bra and pants
然后他跳着舞等等