我的妈妈，简（2025）

And sometimes they would send me to my grandmother's house by myself.
我常会感到难过，因为那让我觉得
And I used to get sad because it made me feel like
我被家人分开了
I was separate from the family.
后来有一次，我12岁时
And then one time when I was 12,
我在那里
I was there
我满怀敬意地谈论我的爸爸
and I was talking about my dad so reverently,
就像我一直做的那样……
like I always did...
她看着我
and she looked at me
表情很奇怪，然后说……
with the strangest expression and said...
“我就是你仅有的一切。”
"I'm all you have."
我知道那话有别的意思
And I knew it meant something,
但我不明白是什么
but I didn't know what.
在我21岁时
So when I was 21,
有个叫Sabin Gray的男人
this guy named Sabin Gray,
他是 “Jayne Mansfield粉丝俱乐部”的负责人
who was head of the Jayne Mansfield Fan Club,
不断给我打电♥话♥，邀请我过去
kept calling me up and inviting me over.
他总说：“哦，我们要办一个类似情人节的派对。”
He kept saying, "Oh, we're gonna have like a Valentine's party."
而且Sabin很执着，他说
And Sabin was very persistent. He said, you know,
“如果你能过来，对我们真的意义非凡。”
"It just really would mean the world to us if you came by."
所以我就说：“哦，好吧。”
So I was like, "Oh, okay."
等我到了那里
When I got there,
墙上贴满了她的电影海报
they had movie posters of her on the wall
还有等身的剪影
and life-size cutouts
以及他收集的各种东西
and all kinds of things he'd collected.
对我来说有点怪
It was a little weird for me.
不过又过了几年，当我25岁时
But then, a few years after that, when I was 25,
我又被邀请去了Sabin家
I was invited to Sabin's house again,
只有我们两个人
and we were alone.
然后他对我说
And then he says to me,
“你想看看Nelson的照片吗？”
"Do you want to see a picture of Nelson?"
我说：“Nelson是谁？”
And I said, "Who's Nelson?"
然后当时，就像是，
And that's when, like,
我觉得他脸上的血色一下子全褪了
I think the blood just drained out of his face
他整个人一下子白得像见了鬼
and he sort of went white as a ghost,
慌乱地看着我，然后说：
and he looked at me panicked, and he said,
“嗯，大概不是真的，大概不是真的。”
"Well, it's probably not true. Probably not true."
我说：“什么不是真的？”
And I said, "What's not true?"
然后我们转过拐角，他拿出了一本书……
And we went around the corner and he pulled out this book...
翻开其中一页给我看
and he opened the page and he showed it to me,
然后我就，呃
and I just, like,
简直不敢相信自己看到的……
couldn't believe what I was seeing...
因为那看起来就像男性版的我
'cause it looked like the male version of me.
那感觉就像……
And it was like the...
就像脚下的地板塌了
It was like the floor fell out from underneath me.
就好像……
It was...
仿佛一切的底都塌了
just the bottom dropped out of everything.
就像我的内在支撑都溶解了
It was like my infrastructure dissolved.
然后……
And...
我所熟悉的生活被永远改变了
life as I knew it was irrevocably changed.
于是我开车去见我爸爸
So then I drove up to see my dad.
我走进去
And I walked in,
我哭得很厉害，我说：
I was crying pretty hard, and I said,
“你为什么没告诉我你不是我父亲？
"Why didn't you tell me you're not my father?
你骗了我。”
You lied to me."
然后他……
And he...
他回我说：“你在说什么？
came back at me with, "What are you talking about?
我爱你，你是我的女儿
I love you. You are my daughter.
你从哪儿听来的？这都是胡说八道。”
Where did you hear this? It's all bullshit."
他比我还要激动
And he got more upset than I was.
比我更让人信服
More convincing than I was.
我痛不欲生
I was in so much pain,
但我看得出他比我更痛苦
but I could see his pain was almost worse.
于是我决定不再谈起这件事……
So I decided I wouldn't talk about it again...
我再也没有向他提起
and I would never bring it up to him again.
而我确实再也没有
And I never did.
但事实是
But the fact is,
之后我有很多年过得很挣扎
I had bad years after that.
我没告诉过任何人
I didn't tell anyone.
我每晚都哭着上♥床♥，因为……
And I would just go to bed every night crying because...
我觉得很迷茫
I felt lost.
我陷入了身份危机
I had an identity crisis.
我是Mariska还是Maria？
Was I Mariska or Maria?
我是匈牙利人还是意大利人？
Was I Hungarian or Italian?
我的意思是，我和谁有血缘？我属于谁？
I mean, who was I related to? Who did I belong to?
更糟的是，我还是某段婚外情的产物
And then on top of it, I was born out of some affair,
像某种私生的、罪孽般的错误？
like some illegitimate, sinful mistake?
我非常……
I was so...
生我母亲的气
angry at my mother
因为她把我留在这烂摊子里
for leaving me in this mess.
也因为她伤害了我父亲
And for hurting my father.
还让我觉得如此孤独、无所依靠
And leaving me feeling so alone and untethered.
所以为了活下去
And so for me to survive,
我切割、否认了
I excised, disowned
自己身上那部分作为我母亲女儿的身份
the part of myself that was my mother's daughter.
可后来我意识到还有另一个人
But then I realized there's this other person.
这个人是谁？
Who was this other person?
他不知道我的存在吗？
Does he not know about me?
他没有想过我吗？
Was he not thinking about me?
他一定知道，为什么他不认我？
He must have known. Why didn't he claim me?
他是一名艺人
He was an entertainer.
于是，五年后，当我30岁时
And so, five years later, when I was 30 years old,
我和朋友去了大西洋城
my friend and I went to Atlantic City
去看了他的演出
and we went to his show.
演出结束后，他出来了，我说：
And after the show, he came out and I said,
“嗨，Nelson
"Hi, Nelson.
我叫Mariska Hargitay
My name is Mariska Hargitay.
我听说你认识我母亲”
I understand you knew my mother."
然后他……
And he...
看着我，几乎当场就哭了出来
looked at me and basically burst into tears,
还抓住了我的耳朵……
and he grabbed my ear...
然后他说：“这一刻我已经等了
and he said, "I've been waiting
30年。”
30 years for this moment."
我记得我们一直聊到凌晨五点
And I think we stayed up until five in the morning
一直在谈
just talking.
他说我有两个姐妹
He said I had two sisters
还把整个故事都告诉了我
and he told me the whole story.
那是30年前的事
That was 30 years ago.
从那以后我一直保守这个秘密
And I've kept it a secret ever since.
于是到了今天
So here we are.
我们就在这里
Here we are.
我整晚都……
I was up...
基本上昨晚彻夜未眠……
all night, pretty much, last night...
对
在想着
- Yeah. - ...thinking about
你和我背负着这个秘密
you and I have been living with this secret
从我25岁起就一直如此
since I was 25.
嗯
Yeah.
我等了很久才等到这一刻
I waited for a long time to have this.
谢谢你的耐心
And I thank you for your patience.
你在开玩笑吗？
Are you kidding?
1965年我来到拉斯维加斯时
When I came to Vegas in '65,
有位专栏作家问我：
the columnist asked,
“你是那个Nelson Sardelli
"Are you the Nelson Sardelli
和Jayne Mansfield有过婚外情的人吗？”
that had an affair with Jayne Mansfield?"
我说：“你答应我件事”
I said, "You're going to do me a favor."
他问：“什么事？”
He said, "What?"
“来看我的表演
"See my show.
如果我糟透了，就把我钉在十字架上”
If I suck, crucify me.
终结我的事业”
Put an end to my career.
但别提我们的关系”
But do not mention our relationship."
Nelson Sardelli，让我们热烈欢迎他
Nelson Sardelli. Let's give him a nice welcome.