我盛大的同志婚礼（2007）

我会给你找个胖妞 见到她你会心理平衡一点
I'll get you a heavy girl. She'll make you feel better about yourself.
那无所谓 但我没有闲钱
Hey, it doesn't matter. I don't have any extra cash.
听我说 伙计 你是我唯一信任的人
Look, man, you're the only person I can trust.
嘿 你知道你能相信谁么？ 你家的女佣 特雷莎
Hey, you know who you could trust? Your maid, Teresa.
她偷东西
She steals!
她偷东西？那为什么你不把她辞了？
She steals? Why don't you fire her?
我害怕 我觉得她是个巫婆 我也不知道
I'm afraid. I think she's into voodoo. I don't know.
上帝啊 - 你看 这是唯一的解决方法
Oh, God. Look, this is the only way
我能继续干现在的工作 又能让我的孩子们有保障
I can keep doing what I do and make sure my kids are protected.
拉里 看看我们 我们不是玻璃
Larry, look at us. We're not gay.
假使我真的是同性恋
But if we were gay, don't you think
你不觉得我会找个 比你好看点的么？
I'd be with someone a little hotter-looking than you?
看在上帝的份上 我可是挂历先生
I'm Mr. February, for God's sake.
你跟我站在一起就像 舞会王子旁边跟着个吹大号♥的
It would be like the prom king fooling around with a tuba player.
哦 很不错阿 反正我也会吹大号♥
Oh, great, I play tuba.
拉里 我爱你
Larry, I love you,
可不是那种意义上的爱
but I'm not in love with you, if that makes any sense.
我们还是做朋友的好
I still wanna be friends.
好 帮我个忙 想象一幅画面 好么？
All right, do me a favor. Just picture this, please. All right?
你站在我的葬礼上
You're at my funeral
你想要找我的孩子们 但他们不在那儿
and you're looking for my kids, but they're not there.
因为他们正在孟加拉的某个工厂里
'Cause they're in some factory in Bangladesh
为了每小时六美分的工钱做帆布鞋
making sneakers for six cents an hour.
然后你回到家里 和在我葬礼上认识的妞鬼混
And you go home to nail some chick you met at my gravesite.
你抬头望去 你的窗户上
And you look up, and right there in your window
是我孩子的身影
are my kids.
他们正在敲你的玻璃窗
They're just tapping on the glass.
他们的眼泪流过面颊
And they have tears just streaming down their faces.
你想想那场景吧 然后把答案告诉我
You think of that and now you give me your answer.
要是他们在孟加拉 又怎么能来敲我的窗户呢？
How are they tapping on my window if they're in Bangladesh?
我 我的天 你没明白我的意思
Oh, my God. You're... You're not following me here.
但我可是很严肃的 - 查克
Yeah, I'm serious. Chuck?
口渴了 你有什么喝的么？
Thirsty. Do you have anything to drink?
有 冰箱里有些佳得乐
Yeah, there's Gatorade in the fridge.
姑娘们在这儿 姑娘们 她们要喝佳得乐
The girls are here. The girls, they want the Gatorade.
哦 她们渴了
Oh, they're thirsty.
拉里 拉里 看看吧
Larry, Larry, watch this.
嘿 姑娘们 佳得乐在下面
Hey, girls, actually it's down low, the Gatorade.
我可不能当玻璃去 拉里
I can't be gay, Larry.
让我当女同性恋还差不多 就这样
I could be a lesbian for you, but that's about it.
我在这儿好孤单 快来 查克
I am so lonely in here. Hurry up, Chuck.
甜心医生 甜心医生 你记得甜心医生吧
Dr. Honey! Dr. Honey. You know Dr. Honey.
是 我记得
Yeah, I do.
你感觉怎么样 华伦太先生？
How are you feeling, Mr. Valentine?
我向右转的时候肌肉还是有些紧
Lt's still stiff when I go to the right.
那正常
That's normal.
嘿 谁把你松开的？
Hey, who untied you?
什么？什么？ 我们这儿可是有规矩的 姑娘们
What? What? We have rules around here, girls.
特殊的规矩 姑娘们
Specific orders, girls.
现在我要打你们的屁♥股♥了
Now I'm gonna go Charlie Chaplin on your ass!
给你 用这根手杖 用它 用它
Here, use the cane. Use it! Use it!
打她们 打她们
Whap them, whap them!
你你…你就是个禽兽 伙计
You... You're just an animal, man.
我可不是禽兽 我是鸡
I'm not an animal. I am a whore.
你不会想和城里的名妓结婚的 相信我 你得找更好的
You don't want to marry the town whore. Believe me, you're better than that.
我们谈论的事情比一起租♥房♥♥子 和去健身房♥复杂不了多少
What I'm talking about is no more involved than co-signing a loan or joining a gym.
我们怎么知道没人会发现这个骗局？
How do we know no one's gonna find out about this?
因为隐私法案现在非常严格
Because privacy laws are super strict nowadays.
我们要做的就是 让你家的信寄到我那里
Look, all we gotta do is just forward your mail to my house for a while.
再就没了
That's it.
我搞不明白
Oh, I don't know.
我救了你的命 你这个婊♥子♥
I saved your life, bitch.
伴侣？
Partners?
伴侣？
Partners.
说定了？
Shake on it?
你可别搞死我 臭小子
You should've let me die, asshole.
你俩现在是伴侣了 小伙子们
You're partners now, fellas.
特雷莎把邮件拿进来了
Teresa brought in the mail.
第一封 我的
That's a first. Me.
查克的 我的
Chuck. That's me.
查克的
Chuck.
查克的
Chuck.
查克的
Chuck.
这是什么？
What the hell?
查克的
Chuck.
查克的
Chuck.
不是吧 他们现在连 充气娃娃都给邮寄？
You gotta be kidding me. They send these things blown up now?
这是给我的新玩具么？
Is that doll for me?
不 不 宝贝 不是 这是给我的
No, no, no, sweetheart. No, it's for me.
它是…它是一个训练人偶 用来练心肺复苏术的
It's a... It's a training doll. You know, for CPR.
上头最近又要考核一次 你知道 为了确认我们是不是真的能行
They're testing us again, you know, to make sure.
你记不记得爸爸做过这个测试？
You remember Daddy did the testing?
你先确认气管是畅通的 然后…
You make sure the passageway is clear, and you...
看看他们是不是在呼吸
To see if they're breathing.
宝贝 回你自己的房♥间去吧 回去吧 好么？
Sweetheart, go to your room, please. Go to your room, okay?
这是我的 她很好 很好 我们在跳舞呢
Lt's for me. She's fine. She's fine. We're dancing.
哇哦
Whoa.
火势已经得到控制 所有单位撤离
Fire under control. All units ten-eight, ten-eight.
很高兴你回来了 拉里
Great to have you back, Larry.
我也很高兴 头
Great to be back, Captain.
头 发现起火源了 一只大♥麻♥烟嘴
Captain! Found out what started the fire, an old-fashioned doobie.
嘿 哥们儿 那是我的烟嘴 你能还给我么？
Hey, brother, that's my weed. Can I get that back?
你想要回去？
You want this back?
我不能把这个给你 但是我告诉你 我会给你点儿更好的
I can't give you it back. But you know what? I got something better for you.
哇哦 伙计
Whoa, man!
再来一次
Do that again.
他喜欢这样
He likes it.
好吧 好好享受
All right, enjoy it.
哈 伙计 你看起来像 一个蘸了面粉的甜甜圈
Hey, man. Looks like a powdered donut.
华伦太先生？
Mr. Valentine?
是我
Yeah.
你好 我是格伦•阿尔里奇 从抚恤金办公室来的
Hi. I'm Glen Aldrich from the Pension Department.
我想和你谈谈 你最近登记的家庭伴侣的问题
I'd like to talk to you about your recently filed domestic partnership.
你好
Hey.
你还好么？ - 没事 我很好
Are you okay? No, yeah, no, I'm fine.
我一般都是这么下来的 因为速度比较快 你知道 那些梯子
That's how I always get down, 'Cause it's just faster. You know. Steps.
你的伴侣查尔斯•拉文先生在家么？
Is your partner home? A Mr. Charles Levine?
不在 他…
No, he...
你怎么…你怎么知道那个我们已经…
How did you... How did you find out that that we were...
这是标准程序
It's standard procedure.
你知道 当以前的保险受益人
You see, when a previously registered portfolio shifts over
变更为另一个人之后
to a domestic partnership filing in the insurance log,
相关部门会通知我们修改的情况
there's an information sharing system that notifies us of the adjustment
我们需要来确认一下是不是搞错了
to make sure it's not a mistake.
你为什么要问这个？ 你对你们的关系保密么？
Why do you ask? Were you keeping your partnership secret?
保密？你在开玩笑么？当然不了
Secret? What, are you kidding me? Hell, no.
不 我们告诉每个人了 就像聚会一样
No, we're telling everybody. It's a party.
告诉每个人什么了？
Telling everybody what?
一边凉快去 罗恩
Hey, butt out, Ron.
来吧
Come over here.
我希望你不要认为我们 是在怀疑你的情况 华伦太先生
I hope you don't think we have any reason to doubt your situation, Mr. Valentine,
但不幸的是 有人用同性恋
but the sad truth is some people have used homosexual lifestyles
这个借口来非法获得政♥府♥的福利
as a cover to reap illegal benefits.
哇哦
Wow.
那是谁？
Who's that?
那是宝拉 我的前妻
That's Paula. She's my late wife.
那么说你不是一直都是同性恋
So you haven't always been gay.
不是 我最近才开始同的
No. I'm newly gay.
在…在她过世的时候 我发现我
When... When she died, I knew I'd never find another woman
再也没法找到一个像她那样的女人了
who'd make me as happy,