我盛大的同志婚礼（2007）

冷静 放松 把你的酒先喝完
Calm down. Relax. Finish your wine.
别这样
Come on.
好吧
Okay.
你说得对 说得对
You're right. You're right. Yeah.
不过你知道怎样才能让我 真正放松吗？
But you know what would really help me to relax?
足底按♥摩♥
Is a foot rub.
求你了 求你了 我封你做我最好的朋友
Please. Please. You'll be my bestest friend.
哦 你的脚很不错 我可以做 我来吧
Oh, they're good. Yeah, I can handle it. Give me these.
告诉你哦 你是个“大只佬粉丝” 这点我很喜欢
You know, I love that you're a chubby chaser, by the way.
大只佬什么？
A chubby what-what?
因为拉里体形很大啊
Well, you know, Larry's heavyset.
你是不是总喜欢大只佬啊？
I mean, is that the type of guy you've always been attracted to?
不 他是我第一个大只佬爱人
No, he's my first fatty.
是哦 你们俩看起来就是 床上很和谐的那种
Yeah, you guys really seem like you have a lot of sexual chemistry.
我是水的时候 我载他这条船 他是水的时候 他就来掀翻我
I float his boat and he sinks mine.
我从来没有跟别人有过... 从来没有...
Yeah, I've never had that, really had that, with anybody before. I just...
我甚至不知道自己当时什么感觉
I don't even know if I know what I'm doing.
什么？
What?
我说真的 来吧
I'm serious. Come on.
给我传授点经验 你怎么让拉里想要xxoo？
Give me some moves. How do you turn Larry on?
我怎么让拉里想要？
How do I turn Larry on?
我啊 我只要把他弄上♥床♥ 然后铺一张匹萨饼...
I mean, to get him into bed, of course, I just lay a pizza out...
不 - 他就那啥了...
No! ...and he comes running.
真的 我说真的
Really. Seriously.
他很喜欢我搓他那 又肥又多毛的大耳垂
Well, he likes it when I rub his big, hairy earlobe.
他简直对那个着魔的
That gets him crazy.
真的吗？
Really?
是啊 这是他的死穴之一
Yeah, it's a spot of his.
给我试试
Try it on me.
给你试试？好吧好吧
Try it on you? Yeah, yeah.
嗯
Yeah.
就这样 我抓着...
You know, I just grab it and...
通常我只要这么一抓 他就准备起飞了...
Usually when I do this to Larry, he's like, boing! You know?
我很喜欢 - 真的？
I love it. You do?
是啊 像这样？
Yeah. Like that?
是啊是啊 用两只手 像这样
Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, work both hands. I like that.
然后你可以试着抓头发 就像这样
And then you can go to some hair-pulling, right about like that.
这样？ - 是啊
Like that? Yeah.
嗯 让他知道你在用心 知道我意思吧？
Oh, yeah, let him know you're there, know what I mean?
然后突然来一巴掌也很不错
And then the slap out of nowhere is good.
的确很好
That is good. Uh-huh.
是啊 就是“终极杀阵” 那样的来一耳刮子
Yeah. Not Ultimate Fighting kind of smacking.
轻轻的 性感的 又带点趣味…
Just light and sexual and fun. Sorry.
你怎么会在这方面这么在行？
How did you get to be so good at all this?
我也不知道 大概是练习次数够多吧
I don't know. A lot of practice I guess.
我之前很花心的
I used to be kind of a jerk.
然后我遇上了一个特别的
But then you meet somebody special
他让你把心全收回来了
who makes you not want to be a jerk anymore.
实际上 他给了你一种 为他奉献一切的决心
Actually, it makes you want to give everything you got to that one person.
是啊 怪不得大家都说 所有的好男人
Yeah. You know, it's true when women say that all of the good men are
要么是同志要么已婚
either gay or married.
当然了 我面前的这个 既是男同又已婚
And of course, I'm hanging out with one who's both.
是啊是啊 不过说实话
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just for the record, though,
如果我不是对大只佬这么狂热
if I wasrt so into chubby hubbies
还是叫“矮冬瓜”？ 你怎么说来着？
or chunky monkeys... What did you say again?
大只佬粉丝
Chubby chaser.
哦 对对
Oh, yeah, yeah.
我一定对你死心塌地的
I would be just so all over you.
哦 少来了 不可能的
Oh, come on. No way.
你开玩笑吧你？ 看看你
Are you kidding me? Look at you.
你又靓 又聪明 热情洋溢 又有趣
You're gorgeous, and you're smart, you're passionate, funny.
能遇到你我真的好开心
I'm just so happy I met you.
哦 是啊是啊
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
朋友 永远是朋友
Friends. Friends forever.
是啊
Oh, yeah.
哦 我的天 天哪 我们这是在干嘛呢
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, what are we doing?
啊 哇哇 不 不 埃里克斯 放松点
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. Hey, hey, Alex.
我之前从未对女人有过这种感觉
I just never felt this way about a woman before.
因为你是同志啊
Because you're gay.
而且你已婚 你又是我的客户
And you're married. And you're my client.
这是大错特错
This is so wrong!
不 这无关对错
No, it's not about right or wrong,
也无关同志不同志 无关硬的软的...
or gay or straight, or hard or soft. It's...
哇...
Wow.
不 我不能再见你了
No! I can't see you.
只能以客户和雇主的关系见面
I can't see you. Except as a client.
埃里克斯 别这么说 好吗？
Alex, don't say that. Please?
我信仰婚姻 信仰婚姻代表的承诺
I believe in marriage. I believe in what it represents.
我背叛了你 也背叛了拉里 哦 天哪 可怜的拉里
I betrayed you. I betrayed Larry! Oh, my God, poor Larry!
拉里是个好同志 可是我得跟你说实话 我们的婚姻...
Larry, he's a great guy, but I gotta be honest with you, our marriage is...
他成天看棒球赛 就仿佛我根本不存在一样
All he does is watch his baseball games, and, like, I don't even exist anymore!
你得走了 对不起
You have to go. I'm sorry.
他还打我啊
He hits me, though.
我真的很抱歉 请你走吧 走吧
I'm so sorry. Please, please, please go.
嘿
Hey!
你在这里搞什么飞机
What the hell's going on out here?
没什么 就是来跟埃里克和托丽玩一下
Nothing. I'm just draining a few buckets with Eric and Tori over here,
闲聊几句而已
making small talk, you know?
今天这么好的天气
You'd think on such a nice day,
你老公怎么没跟你一起 享受天伦之乐呢？
your husband would want to spend time with his family.
他在哪？ 又出去狂扁某人了吗？
Where is he, anyway? Is he out straight-bashing again?
不 他去看他妈妈了 带他妈妈去看电影
No, he's at his mother's. He's taking her to the movies.
不是的 爸爸 他是去找那个辣的冒烟的律师姐姐了
No, Daddy. He's with that smoking hot lawyer lady
你不在的时候 他总谈起她呢
he always talks about when you're not around.
是吗？
He is?
嘿
Hey!
我感到一缕清风掠过啊 华伦太先生
I just felt a breeze, Mr. Valentine,
这缕清风可是一路吹向司法公正哦
and that breeze is blowing straight towards justice.
嘿 兄弟们 有个混♥蛋♥困在通风管了
Hey, guys, we got a perpetrator lodged in the air duct.
他昨晚企图潜入作案 可惜卡在通风管道
Apparently tried to break in last night, got stuck.
你俩就是报纸上那一对吧？
You're the guys from the newspaper, right?
是啊 - 哦 那你俩可有的开心了
Yeah, that's us. All right, well, then you're gonna love this.
那个家伙是底朝天的 他的屁屁正凉在外面等着你们呢
The guy got stuck upside-down, so his ass is still hanging out for you.
很好笑哦 你的胡子就是这么来的么？
That's pretty funny. Did your moustache come up with that?
对不起咯 我可不说同志语言的
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't speak Gayanese.
嘿 有人吗 快来帮我拉出去
Hey, anybody! You gotta get me out of here!
我刚把尿撒在自己脸上了
I just peed on my face!
好的 放松 哥们 我是来帮你的
All right, relax, buddy, I'm here to help.
不像某些人 只知道帮助自己
Unlike some people around here, who only help themselves.
你说谁呢？ - 我说你呢
Who are you talking about? You.
怎么了？怎么回事？
Why? What happened?
费茨今天来过 托丽告诉他
Fitzer came by today, and Tori told him about
你对那个大屁♥股♥律师有多着迷
your obsession with our hot-ass lawyer.
着迷？什么？ 她为什么这么说？
Obsession? What? What? What is she talking about?
别跟我来这个 先生 说什么带我妈妈去看电影
Don't even give me that, Mr. I'm Taking My Mom To A Movie.
你知道吗 如果你今天在场
You know what? Maybe if you were around today,
说不定费茨真的会相信 你有那么一点喜欢我
Fitzer would actually think that, I don't know, you like me.
嘿 哥们 我必须跟你说谎
Hey, man, I gotta lie to you!
多亏了你 我得跟每个人说谎
Thanks to you, I gotta lie to everybody!
尤其是埃里克斯 我不得不跟她撒谎
Especially Alex! I can't be honest with her!
我甚至不能接近她 连跟她好好呆着都不行
I can't even get close to her. I can't even have freaking fun with her!
为什么你不能跟我好好呆着？ 过去我们在一起总是很开心的 我只是...
Why can't you have fun with me? We always used to have fun. I just...
因为你变了
Because you've changed!
自从你逼我跟你结婚
Ever since you forced me to marry you,
你就变成一个控制狂
you're so goddamn controlling.
你♥他♥妈♥的一点也不像我老公 你倒像我上司
You don't act like my freaking husband, you act like my boss.
别做这个 别干那个 今晚几点回家
"Don't do this!" "Don't do that!" "Hey, what time you coming home tonight?"
你让我窒息了 老大 我他妈的都不能呼吸了
You're smothering me, man! I can't freaking breathe!
你俩需要洗个泡泡浴
What you guys need is a bubble bath.
住嘴
CHUCK AND Shut up!