鬼屋大电影

Yeah? Well, I'm ass-trophobic.
-你知道么 马尔科姆 -知道什么
-You know what, Malcolm? -What?
要么享受 要么走开 好吧 来 来
Love it or leave it, okay? Here. Here.
闻闻吧
Take it, okay?
好大一坨
It's oak-y.
一大坨
It's... It's full-bodied.
我感觉快出来了
I believe it's open.
-太臭了 -这芳香
-Oh, that's... That's nasty! -The aroma.
简直不能更臭
The nastiest thing ever.
别 马尔科姆 马尔科姆
No, Malcolm! Malcolm!
嘿 别
Hey! No!
-把你的臭脚拿开 -住脚
-Move your little nasty foot. -Stop it!
噢 噢 马尔科姆
Ow! Ow! Malcolm!
2012年8月5日 夜
-呃 马尔科姆 马尔科姆 -嗯
-Uh, Malcolm. Malcolm? -Hmm?
摄像机没关
The camera isn't off.
-已经关了 说什么胡话 -没 灯...
-Yeah, the camera's off. What are you talking about? -No.The light...
灯是亮的
The light is on.
那是待机灯
That's the standby light.
那是录像灯
That's the record light.
我才不想像那些傻妞一样
I don't want to be like those stupid girls.
比如金·卡戴珊的艳拍门
Kim Kardashian with a sex tape.
首先 金·卡戴珊的身价是1.5亿美元
First of all, Kim Kardashian's worth $150 million.
想想看 姬莎 你也可以有你自己的自♥拍♥
Think about it, Kisha. You could have your own reality show.
你还会拥有自己的服装和香水品牌
You could have your own clothing line, your own perfume.
名字就叫"水沟"
"Stank," by Kisha.
不行
No.
不然今晚就别想那啥了
Your window of opportunity is closing quickly.
关上
Turn it off.
噢 上帝 你真扫兴
Oh, God, you are a hater.
我可不扫兴
I'm not.
马尔科姆 别耍花样 灯还亮着呢
Malcolm. You ain't slick. That camera's still on.
-怎么会 -"怎么会"
-What? -"What?"
简单
That's cheap.
别碰这里
Don't touch it.
别碰 要抽筋了
Don't touch it. That was crazy.
噢 我射了
Oh, I got a cramp.
我就说应该录下来
I told you we should have recorded that.
加起来还不到30秒
I don't think they make 30-second tapes.
拜托 至少2分钟另15 16秒
Oh, come on. That was at least two minutes, 15, 16 seconds.
噢 太棒了
Whoo! That was great.
马尔科姆 我们要再来一次 你懂的
Malcolm, you know we have to go again, right?
我要半场休息 跟我说说话
I need a halftime. You gotta talk to the coach.
玩儿点新花样
Get some new plays.
-醒醒 -好吧 好吧
-Wake up. -Okay, okay.
就现在
Come on now.
好 好
Okay, okay.
老二要烂了
Woody's sore.
是的
Yeah.
早安 宝贝
Good morning, honey.
嗨 宝贝
Hi, baby.
马尔科姆 我不是告诉你关掉吗
Malcolm, I told you to turn the camera off!
我知道 我该死
I know. I'm shit.
但是 昨晚我尽力了宝贝
But, baby, I was tearing it up last night.
噢 求你了 你说的没错
Oh, please. You were all right.
宝贝 快看 看那
Baby, check this move. Look at that.
马尔科姆 我要你把它删掉
Malcolm, I need you to erase this tape.
我不想很傻很天真
I don't wanna end up on the Internet.
回放一下
Rewind the video.
好
Okay.
-你看到了吗 -嗯
-Did you see that? -Uh-huh.
看 我管这招叫龙♥卷♥风♥
See, I call that move the Tornado.
不 傻瓜
No, stupid!
门在动 看见了没
Look! The door, it moved. You see?
噢 哇
Oh, wow.
好吧 这个现象有个科学的解释
Well, there is a rational explanation for all that.
因为我们搞出风来了
See, what happens is, with the Tornado, right,
当我高频率甩动屁♥股♥的时候
the vortex in which I move my hips,
特别是深入的时候
especially with a downward motion,
它产生了一个气旋
it creates that vortex.
我感到惊讶的是居然没有吹开窗户
I'm surprised the windows didn't blow open.
-你脑子坏了 -有时候会产生
-You are stupid. -Sometimes it does that.
你看 我为了伺候好你造成了气候灾害
See, I'm working on a whole natural disaster theme for me and you.
今晚来个山崩地裂吧
We gonna start with the Mudslide tonight.
或者地动山摇也行 地动山摇最疯狂了
Or the Earthquake. Earthquake is crazy!
因为等我一插♥进♥去就会剧烈震动起来
Because I just get in and I shake up in there, fast as I can. I just shake.
马尔科姆
Malcolm!
马尔科姆 快来这儿
Malcolm, come here, please!
-快 -怎么了 怎么了
-Quick! -What happened? What happened?
你看 杯子本来放在桌上 然后
Okay, so the glass was on the counter, and then it...
什么东西把它摔地上了
Something knocked it off!
你怎么解释
How do you explain that?
好吧 可能是你把它放在桌子边上了呢
Well, maybe you put it on the edge of the counter,
或许仅仅是底滑了
and it just slipped off.
昨晚是门 马尔科姆
Last night, it was the door, Malcolm.
今天早晨 杯子又摔到了地板上
And then, this morning, the pot was on the floor.
也许只是在桌子上没放好
Maybe it wasn't put on the rack properly.
好的 我来收拾 鬼都知道你不会做饭
All right, I'll take credit for that. Lord knows you don't cook.
噢 我爱你 但别这样 小心
Oh, I love you, but stop. Be careful.
你会踩到玻璃碎片的
You're gonna get glass in your foot...
踩的满屋子都是血
and be tracking blood all through the house.
就像《虎胆龙威》里的布鲁斯威利斯
Like Bruce Willis in Die Hard.
你现在相信我了吧 马尔科姆
Do you believe me now, Malcolm? Hmm?
也许真是你的气旋造成的呢
Maybe it was your vortex.
噢 上帝啊
Oh, God.
2012年8月7日 夜
你听到了吗
Did you hear that?
没有 听到什么
Nope. What?
这次呢
What about that?
只是房♥子的声音
That was just the house settling.
没什么大不了的 继续睡觉吧
No big thing. Just go back to sleep.
继续睡
Go back to sleep?
-是风吗 -什么
-The wind? -What?
死鬼 窗户是关着的
Negro, the windows are closed!
噢 见鬼了 我要出去
Oh, hell, no! I'm out!
什么 马尔科姆
What? Malcolm!
马尔科姆
Malcolm!
逗我呢
Really?
噢 见鬼了 不
Oh, hell, no.
马尔科姆 你要干什么
Malcolm, what are you doing?
贱♥人♥ 我房♥子里有鬼 我得逃了
Bitch, there is a ghost in the house. I'm out.
你不能丢下我
You can't leave.
你看着吧
You watch me.
平分
Deuces.
马尔科姆
Malcolm!
-你还好吧 -我像开玩笑吗
-You all right? -Who am I kidding?
这房♥子卖♥♥不出去了
I can't sell a house in this market.
"即时拥有"
"Immediate possession."
这房♥子已经有主了
It's already possessed!
-嗨 奇普 我是姬莎 -嗨
-Hi, Chip. I'm Kisha. -Hi.
嗨 我是灵媒奇普
Hi, I'm Chip the Psychic.
请进
Come on in.
谢谢
Nice. Nice.
你一定是马尔科姆
And you... You must be Malcolm.
是的 太厉害了 你怎么知道
Yeah. That's pretty good. How did you know?
我是灵媒嘛
Uh, psychic.
看到没
See?
我的身体充满能量
I have a lot of powers all over my body.
你打篮球的吧 也许偶尔打打 有吗
Do you... You play basketball, probably, a little bit, right?
-不打 -不打
-No, not really. -You don't?
不打吗 可是你有一副打篮球的身板
No. Well, you got the body for it.
你真幸运