鬼屋大电影

2012年10月以下这段录像被发现于马尔科姆·约翰逊家中
录像中记录的事情 直到目前仍然是个谜
这鬼东西怎么没用
Why isn't this stupid thing working?
看吧 就是个垃圾
See, that's that bullshit.
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我要把这垃圾退给百思买♥♥
I'm taking this shit right back to Best Buy...
算了
or not.
忘了取镜头盖了
Stupid lens cap.
全新照相机
Brand-new camera.
我要把一切都拍下来
I'm filming everything with this.
圣诞节 新年 女人的阴♥部♥
Christmas, New Year's, vagina.
好的 今天是大日子
All right. Today is the big day.
我女朋友姬莎要搬来了
My girlfriend Kisha's moving in.
虽然兄弟们总劝我"别让她搬进来"
Now, all my boys keep telling me, "Don't do it, don't do it."
"一切都会被搞得天翻地覆的"
"Because everything's gonna change."
"她会霸占你家的"
"She's gonna take over your house."
"她不会做饭"
"She's never gonna cook again."
"最糟糕的是"
"And worst of all,"
"你以后再也别想寻花问柳了"
"you're putting your dick in jail."
我觉得他们在忽悠我
I think they're tripping.
她一搬进来 一切都会无与伦比
Once she moves in, everything's gonna be perfect.
看上去不赖
Place looks nice.
是哪个好男人为你打扫的呢
Baby boy cleaned up for you, huh?
噢 该死
Oh, shit!
罗莎
Rosa!
嘿 你得先知会一声吧
Hey, you gotta announce yourself.
-你吓到我了 -黑鬼你走开
You can't just creep up on me.
这是我的保姆 罗莎
Aw, come on. This is my housekeeper, Rosa.
来打个招呼
Say hi. Say hi. Say hi!
说嗨
Hi! Hola! Say Hola! Hola!
再见
Bye-bye!
不 我们要用最正确的方式打招呼
No, no. We gonna say hi the right way.
放开我 黑鬼 你干嘛
转圈咯
Do this. Oh!
-我老二大不大 -去你的
I'm a big bambino?
你知道我爱你的
You know I love you.
嘿 夏伊洛 跟妈咪打个招呼
Hey, Shiloh! Say hi to Mommy.
我要从后面搞你 姬莎 没错
I'm gonna hump you on your leg, Kisha. That's right.
而且要用我的狗嘴舔遍你的脸
And I'm gonna lick you all over your face with my dog-ball mouth.
噢 该死 她来了
Oh, shit. Here she comes.
-嗨 宝贝 -嗨 宝贝 嗨
-Hi, baby! -Hey, baby! Hi!
不要 夏伊洛 等等 别别别别
No, no, Shiloh! Wait! No, no, no, no!
夏伊洛 你干嘛啊
Shiloh! What did you do?
-我没见到他 -你干嘛啊
-I didn't see him! -What did you do?
真对不起
I'm so sorry.
噢 我的天啊
Oh, my God!
-夏伊洛快呼吸 -也许它只是在装死
-Shiloh, come on, breathe. -Maybe he's just playing dead.
它不会装死
He doesn't know how to play dead.
它会握手 会接我扔的东西
He knows how to shake hands. He knows how to fetch.
会驴打滚
He knows how to roll over.
就是不会装死
He don't know how to play dead.
夏伊洛 呼吸
Come on, Shiloh, breathe.
一 二 三 呼吸
One, two, three. Breathe.
-去拿起搏器 -起搏器
-Give me the jumper cables. -The jumper cables?
去给我拿该死的起搏器
Give me the goddamn jumper cables!
别死在我眼前
Don't you die on me!
发动汽车
Start the car!
准备 通电
Clear! Go!
噢 该死
Oh, shit!
去医院找我
Meet me at the hospital!
记错了 医院在这边
The hospital's that way!
还不到见上帝的时候 夏伊洛
Don't go towards the light, Shiloh!
你现在身处天堂了 伙计
You're in a better place now, buddy.
我很抱歉 真的
I'm so, so sorry.
会没事的 宝贝
It's okay, baby.
这不是你的错 不对 就是你的错
It's... It's not your fault. Yes, it is.
想开点吧
You know, look... Look on the bright side.
我对狗过敏
I'm allergic to dogs.
我知道 但这正是夏伊洛的优点
I know, but that's what was so great about Shiloh.
你对它可不过敏
He was hypoallergenic.
夏伊洛
Shiloh!
噢 我的天 看看这些该死的玩意儿
Oh, my God! Look at all this shit.
好的 马尔科姆 这是最后一个的盒子了
Okay, Malcolm, this is the last box.
你拿相机干嘛
What's with the camera?
记录生活的点滴
I'm documenting our lives together.
来打个招呼
Say hi.
嗨 好的
Hi! Okay.
宝贝你屁♥股♥好翘
That ass looking nice, baby.
喂喂 往上拍 我看到你在拍了
Hey, hey. Pan up, pan up. I see that.
宝贝 你真是个不折不扣的恋物癖
Baby, you are officially a hoarder.
我发誓 我要是打开某个箱子
I swear to God, I'm gonna open one of these boxes...
肯定会找到一只死猫或者发霉三明治之类的东西
and find, like, a dead cat and an old baloney sandwich in it.
哈 哈 哈 好冷
Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.
噢 我的上帝 你穿得着这个吗
Oh, my god. Do you need these?
-穿的着 这是...-什么场合穿啊
-Yes! These are... -For what?
这是我的婚礼鞋
These are good wedding shoes!
10分满分 你给这双鞋多少分
One to ten, what are you feeling right now about that?
8.7分
8.7.
-那个包呢 -9分
-What do you feel about that? -Nine. Nine.
-这包值9分 -是的
-That's a nine? -Yes.
-不别拿走别 -等等 这是什么
-No, wait! Come on. Come on. -What's this? Hold on.
这是我婶婶从肯尼亚带来的
This is a box that my aunt brought from Kenya.
这个也是9分
This is a nine, too.
噢 天呐
Oh, my God!
说话
Say it.
嗨 我的名字叫姬莎·戴维斯 是个恋物癖
Hi, my name is Kisha Davis, and I'm a hoarder.
好丢脸啊
There's shame.
这里面是你♥爸♥爸的骨灰吗
Are these your daddy's ashes?
是的 马尔科姆 我去哪都带着
Yes, Malcolm. They go where I go.
那么 他的灵魂会一直盯着我们咯
So, we're gonna have his ghost watching over us?
真令人安慰啊
That's comforting.
把他放在别的地方就行了 他喜欢看电视
Just put him in the other room. He likes to watch TV.
他都死了 想看什么内容啊
He's dead. What's he gonna watch?
美国恐怖故事
American Horror Story?
我说亲爱的 这些游戏机要清出去
Okay, babe, these video games, they have to go.
-等等别动我的游戏机 -它们太破旧了
-Wait. Leave my video games alone. -They're tacky.
摄影机还给我
Give me my camera!
姬莎 别玩了 你会弄坏的
Kisha, stop playing. You're gonna break it.
-才不会弄坏呢 -还给我
-I'm not gonna break it. -Give me my camera!
你这女黑鬼 你们一家都会受到诅咒
"黑鬼"她刚才是不是叫我黑鬼
"Negra?" Did she just call me a nigger?
什么 什么
What? What?
信不信踹烂你屁♥股♥
I will lambada your ass!
说英语 英语
English! English! Speak English!
宝贝 宝贝 宝贝
Baby. Baby. Baby!
你看到了 她讨厌我 对吧
You know she don't like me, right?
噢 我知道发生什么事了
Oh, I know what's going on here.
你跟罗莎上♥床♥了
Are you banging Rosa?
施瓦辛格的丑闻在我们家上演了
You got some Schwarzenegger stuff going on in here, right?
真的吗 是的 好的 是的
Really? Yeah, okay, yeah.
现在她还怀了我的孩子呢
She's pregnant with my love child right now.
我们要有一个说西班牙语的黑人宝宝了
Yeah, we're gonna have a nappy-haired baby that speaks perfect Spanish.
-好了别生气了 -好吧
-Come on. Think about it. -Okay.
-你很饿吗 -嗯
-Hungry there, buddy? -Mm-hmm.
你吃东西狼吞虎咽的
You're over there eating like the Cookie Monster.
能让我好好吃顿饭吗
Can I just enjoy my food, please?
哇 有人生气了
Wow. Somebody's crabby.
对不起 我只是累了
I'm sorry. I'm just tired.
我睡不好觉 总能听到一些声音
I haven't been sleeping well. I keep hearing these noises.
很吓人的
Scary.
好吧 别害怕
Well, you don't have to be afraid, okay?
因为你现在跟我住一起了
Because you're living with me now.
我眼皮下没人动的了你