IT狂人（2006）

我保证它毫发无损
I promise I won't let anything happen to it.
还是不行 珍
No, Jen, I'm sorry.
因特网的元老们是不会答应的
The elders of the internet would never stand for it.
罗伊 我刚才和他们沟通过了
No, Roy, I spoke to the elders of the internet not one hour ago.
我说珍成了月度最佳员工
I told them about Jen winning Employee of the Month.
他们可激动了
They were so impressed that
愿意竭尽全力的帮你
they wanted to do whatever they could to help.
等等 你是说因特网的元老们吗
Wait a minute! The elders of the internet?
他们竟然会认识我
The elders of the internet know who I am?!
你必须得给我
You've got to let me have it!
不行 这对你来说太危险了
No, Jen. I'm sorry, it's just too risky.
罗伊 拜托给我吧
Oh, please, Roy?
莫斯 你消磁了吗
Well... Moss, has it been completely demagnetised?
史蒂芬·霍金亲自操刀
By Stephen Hawking himself.
他还恭喜你当选
Who sends his congratulations, by the way.
如果老霍也同意的话...
Well, if it's ok with the Hawk...
能给我了吗
So can I have it?
我也没什么好说的了
You can.
-你的演讲稿 -谢了
- Oh, don't forget your speech. - Thank you.
悠着点
Slowly.
爱珀尔 我觉得过去几天就像做梦一样
April, these past few days have been like a dream.
通常我都是射完就走人
Usually, I can't wait to get away from a woman once I've ejaculated.
但是你... 让我的生命充满生机
But with you... I don't know, I feel alive.
-爱珀尔 我爱你 -真的吗
- April, I love you. - What?!
没错 我他妈爱死你了
That's right. I totally love the bloody arse off you.
我也爱你 道格拉斯
Oh, Douglas, I love you too!
宝贝 想当初
Oh, poppet... to think when we met
你为自己来自伊朗而担忧
you were so worried that you came from Iran.
-什么伊朗 -我们初次见面的时候啊
- What? - When we met.
搞得我好像会在意这些事似的
As if I'd be worried about something like that.
伊朗 法国 不管你是哪的人
I don't care where you're from Iran, France...
我都不介意 我是个文化人
Doesn't bother me. I'm very modern.
我才不是伊朗人
I'm not from Iran.
那你肯定说了类似的话
Well, you said something along those lines.
不是伊朗 是男人 我说我以前是个男的
No, not "Iran", "A man". I said, "I used to be a man."
你以前是个男的
You used to be a man?!
对了
Yes!
我的娘亲啊
Oh, God!
今天有个精彩的演讲
Well, we have a very interesting talk lined up for today.
珍·芭柏 月度最佳员工兼电脑专家
Our Employee of the Month and computer expert Jen Barber
将为我们讲述
has kindly agreed to say a few words
她在IT部的日子
about her role in the IT department.
作为一个尚不知道
Speaking as someone who doesn't know the difference
笔记本电脑和... 大电脑区别的人来说
between a laptop and, erm... the larger one.
我非常期待她的精彩演讲
I'm certainly looking forward to hearing what she has to say.
早上好
Good morning.
当我得知
When I was asked to give a speech
要谈谈我的工作时
about what it is I do and everything...
我很激动
I was very excited.
我觉得 我终于有机会
"At last," I thought, "a chance to explain the
向你们这些地球人展示科技的伟大
wonders of technology to... ordinary folk. "
但我又想 枯燥的演讲会有谁愿意听呢
But then I thought, "Who wants to listen to a boring old speech?"
所以还不如
Wouldn't it be better
直接秀给你们看
if I could actually bring one of these wonders in to show you?
秀什么呢 就因特网吧
Say, oh, I don't know... the internet.
我这么想也这么做了
I think it would, and I have.
女士们 先生们 请看 因特网
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you... the internet!
别打闪光灯 会伤害因特网的
Oh, please, no flash photography. You'll harm the internet.
-女士们先生们 -怎么没人笑
- Ladies and gentlemen... - Why is no one laughing?
万一它遭遇不测
.. if anything were to happen to this box,
我们的世界将会陷入混乱
the world as we know it would fall into chaos,
飞机会做自♥由♥落体运动
planes would drop from the sky like tables,
社会会像熊孩子撕纸巾一样四分五裂
society would tear itself apart like an angry child with a napkin.
人们与生俱来的
Man's primeval instinct to
求生欲会造成无法预知的后果
survive at any cost would lead to terrible violence.
为了避免这些情况 请关闭闪光灯
So, please, no flash photography.
这些真惊人 道格拉斯
I must say, this is all very impressive, Douglas.
-可你们到底是做什么的 -不知道
- So what exactly are you working on? - I don't know.
爱珀尔 我们需要谈谈
April... we need to talk.
亲爱的 我们回家慢慢谈不好吗
Oh, darling, couldn't we do this at home?
我们可以看着电视一醉方休
I was hoping we could get shitfaced and watch the telly.
我不会再这么做了
There'll no more getting shitfaced and watching the telly,
没有史蒂文·席格的电影
there'll be no more Steven Seagal marathons,
周末彩弹球也取消了
and there'll be no more paintballing weekends.
我们一拍两散了
I'm afraid our adventure has come to an end.
-啥 为什么 -是我的问题
- What?! But... but why? - It's not you, it's me.
不 是你的问题才对
No, actually, it's not me, it is you.
我很抱歉
I'm sorry.
你没把我当女人是吧
You don't think of me as a woman, do you?
怎么可能 你当然是女人
What? Of course I do.
-你介意我以前是男的 -我没有
- It bothers you that I used to be a man! - No!
我不介意你做过变性手术 那是你的事
I love that you used to be a man. It's your thing.
我甚至还想你那手术是怎么做的
I love thinking about that operation that you had.
拜托 你看 我是个女的
Oh, please! Look at me. I am a woman.
-站在你面前的是个女人 -失陪
- This is a woman in front of you! - Excuse me.
我就是个女人
I am a woman!
-真是撕心裂肺啊 -相信我 道格拉斯
- You're tearing me apart. - Please, Douglas.
抱歉 我还是接受不了
I'm sorry, it's beyond my control.
你别这样 道格拉斯
Please, Douglas. Please!
走吧 不要强人所难了
Just go. You're making this harder for me.
你...
You...!
你怎么能这样做
How could you do this?
你怎么能这样对我
How could you do this to me?!
你个混♥蛋♥
You bastard!
那就是那闪烁灯光的作用
.. And that's what the flashing light is for.
-还有问题吗 -这东西重吗
- Any more? - Is it heavy?
这问题有点白♥痴♥
Is it... That's a bit of a silly question.
因特网根本没有重量
The internet doesn't weigh anything.
那今天就到这了
Well, ok, guys, I guess I should wrap it up.
真的该结束了
No, no, I really have to finish up.
继续 继续
More! More! More! More! More! More!
天呐 你们是真的喜欢我
Guys! Oh, my God, you really like me.
-这真没意思 -简直是糟透了
- This really isn't that funny. - I know. It's terrible.
我以为至少能有点
I thought at least we'd get
茶余饭后的笑料
a good story out of it, something we'd remember.
爱珀尔 我们完了
It's over, April!
痛死了
Jesus!
因特网被毁了
The internet!
要死了
We're all going to die!
大家冷静
Everybody stay calm.
别丢下我
Wait for me! Wait!
混♥蛋♥
放松 别紧张
He needs to hold his nerve now.
他成功了
He's done it!
感觉完全不对嘛
But it's not the same!
爱珀尔 你在哪
Oh, April!