神经马龙（2017）

比如拿我家人来说吧
Take my family for example.
他们都不在乎我的生日
They don't even care about my birthday.
我要是穿着一身破西装躺在棺材里
I bet you they'd appreciate me if I was laid up
他们就会念着我的好了
in that casket with a tacky shirt on.
我会想念弗兰基的
I'm gonna miss me some Frankie.
这种话 最好当事人活着时
You see, this is the type of stuff that people need to hear
说给他听
while they're still alive.
等下 小史
Wait...Stevie...
我有招了
I got it.
艾什丽
Ashley?
我知道我的生日派对搞什么主题了
I know what the theme of my birthday party's gonna be.
马龙 别瞎闹
Marlon, no.
马龙 就这么搞
Marlon, yes.
我们要办一个葬礼派对了
We are having a funeral party.
心中有曲自然嗨 燥起来...
We're going to turn up, turn up, turn-turn--
你们知道嘘我会怎么样 别嘘我了
Told y'all about shushing me. Don't be shushing me.
多可惜啊 天妒英才啊
What a shame! What a handsome man.
很高兴
So glad...
你们都出席了
you all could be here
参加马龙的葬礼 缅怀他
to mourn the passing of good brother Marlon.
我要被逗死了
My God.
马龙 你办过的生日趴中 这次画风最清奇
Marlon, this is the most ridiculous birthday party you have ever thrown.
人就死一次 必须好好享受
You only die once. YODO!
改自"YOLO 人就活一次"
看来你选择了传统的红色葬礼风
I see you decided to go with traditional funeral red.
缅怀丧者才穿黑色
Black is for mourners.
这个葬礼唯一的问题就是
The only problem with this funeral is
人没真死
the death isn't real.
好了 各位 安静 坐好
All right, folks, folks, settle down, settle down.
请大家就坐
Please, take your seats.
我们马上就要赞颂
We are about to celebrate
马龙·韦恩先生的一生了
the life of Mr. Marlon Wayne.
他叫什么 我说了 马龙·韦恩先生
What's his name? I said Mr. Marlon Wayne.
♪韦恩♪
♪Wayne♪
他生前很优秀
He was a great man.
他是个了不起的人
He was a magnificent man.
他是杰出人士
He was a worthy man.
他是个大善人
He was a philanthropicalistical man.
他是个圣人
He was a-holy man.
他很风趣
He was--hilarious.
他确实是
Yes, he was.
维罗妮卡大姐
Sister Veronica,
你跟他曾经共度过美好时光
you and him had some good times together.
他的背到现在还留下了后遗症
His back is still hurting from all those times.
但他让你爽了
But he got you up.
他很雄伟
He was well endowed.
来个"阿门"吧
Can I get an Amen?
阿门
Amen.
黑人姐♥妹♥们♥来一次
From the sisters?
阿门
Amen.
我们都盖不住棺材盖
We could barely close the casket, you know?
都盖不住他的"雄伟"啊
We could barely close the casket.
得跳上去
Had to get on top.
让维罗妮卡大姐一屁♥股♥坐上去
We had Sister Veronica put her ass up on it.
使劲弄下去
And they would just get me down.
"快下去啊"
"Come on, get down!"
终于上帝开恩
And finally, the Lord blessed him...
神来之手
Cha-ching! Pow!
他胯下的魔力
With magic in his pants.
就像《杰克与豆茎》
It's like "Jack and the Beanstalk."
故事中 豆子长成了通天豆茎
他把种子种在了那里
Yeah, he put the beans down there,
豆茎就长啊 长啊
and they just grew and grew and--
女人们争先恐后去"攀爬"
and all the ladies just climbed on next to it.
别扯那些没用的鬼话了 混球牧师
We ain't got all day, Jessie Jackass.
有人不高兴了啊
I--I see somebody's upset,
因为我们戴着一样的假发吧 暴击吧
'cause we got the same wig on. Hello!
各位 那边那位是个"行走的流沙"
Now, fellas, that right there is quicksand in a dress.
"我来拽一下 天呐 我要沉到哪里去啊
"Let me help you? Lord! Where am I going?
完全不晓得啊 求上天怜悯啊"
I have no idea! Lord have mercy!"
接下来有请
Now I'd like to open the floor
马龙最最最亲爱的亲朋好友们
to Marlon's love-dee-dee-dee-dee ones.
让他们的爱
Yes, so that they can--
♪温暖马龙的心吧♪
♪Shower him with love♪
我说他们会温暖...
I said they going to shower him with--
用什么温暖
What they going to shower him with?
-大家一起喊"爱" -"爱"
- Say, "Love" - Love.
没错 就是爱
Yeah, with love.
爱
Love.
一起说感激
Won't you say appreciation.
感激
Appreciation.
棒棒哒
Yes!
好了 请安静
Please, all, be quiet--
让我们感受爱之言吧
and let's all hear the love.
阿门
Amen.
我跟马龙结婚16年
I was married to Marlon Wayne for 16 years.
然后我将他扫地出门了
And then I kicked his ass to the curb!
但如果他在这里 他肯定会说
But if he were here, I'm sure he'd say...
你长了白人女孩的屁♥股♥
That you got a white girl butt.
对吧
Right?
或者他会说 我一点不够黑
That, or he'd say I was too light-skinned,
或者用他的语气说 不够黑黑黑
or as he'd like to put it, light-skin-dee-dee-dee-dee.
那个马龙
That Marlon,
流行语之父啊 对吧
he sure had a way with words, right?
是啊
Yes, he did.
马龙总是给我起各种各样的绰号♥
You know, Marlon always had colorful nicknames for me.
我最喜欢这几个
Here's a few of my favorites:
猪精黑粉 妖魔鬼怪 妖艳卷毛
Troll, Gremlin, ASAP Nappy.
搞怪滤镜脸
SnapChat Filter Face!
就是恶搞大嘴巴那个
You know, the one with the big mouth.
我篮球赛时 我爸会大喊
At my basketball games, my dad would yell stuff like,
"你是不是对胜利过敏啊"
"Are you allergic to winning?"
好了 该说点好话了
Okay, okay, now--now-now get to the good stuff, huh?
跟他们说说你老爸
Tell them about how your daddy
以前总在赛后带你去"芝士蛋糕工厂"餐厅
used to take you down to the Cheesecake Factory after the game.
-对 -不管比赛结果如何
- Yeah. - Win or lose, right?
对
Okay.
说说这事
Hey, talk about that, okay.
过去16年 我爸一直管我叫"憨秀才"
My dad called me a nerd every day for the last 16 years.
拜他所赐 我接下来的16年都得去看心理医生了
Thanks to him, I'll be in therapy every day for the next 16 years.
好了 可以说好话了
Now, tell 'em about the good stuff,
比如你♥爸♥给你买♥♥了很多学习用具
like, your daddy paid for all your nerd paraphernalia.
-你记得那个电子书阅读器吧 -对
- You remember he bought you that Kindle? - Yep.
跟大家说下这事
Now, you--yeah, tell 'em about that, tell 'em about that.
好 他给我买♥♥了个电子书阅读器
Yep, he bought me a Kindle.
关于马龙 还能说些什么呢
But what else can I say about Marlon?
不如说说他多么大方吧
How 'bout you tell them how generous he was, you know,
这么多年 一直让你借宿在他家沙发上
with him allowing you to sleep on his couch all those years?
♪说说吧♪
♪Tell them♪
♪告诉大家♪
♪Tell the people♪
好 "嘻哈版牧师"
Will do, Reverend Snoop.
好了
All right, well,
他已经不在人世了
he's not here to defend himself,
所以让我们举杯敬马龙
so let's raise a glass to Marlon.
他可能就在"上面"
He's probably upstairs right now,
吐槽耶稣穿凉拖
mocking Jesus for his open-toed shoes.
基本上 等派对结束 他就到"下面"去了
So, basically, he's on his way downstairs by the end of this party.
这些死没良心的刚在我的葬礼上说我要下地狱了吗
Wait, did these bastards just say I'm going to hell at my own funeral?
敬马龙
To Marlon.
既然他不在了
Now that he's gone,
我们的自我感觉又可以良好了
we'll all feel a lot better about ourselves.