梅普沃思谋杀案（2020）

救命
Help!
疼死我了
That hurts like a motherfucker!
疼死老娘了
Possum tits that hurts!
阿比盖尔
Abigail.
不
Oh, no!
艾比盖尔
Abigail.
这不对
Oh, that's not right.
怪物
Monster!
艾比盖尔 是吉尔伯特
Abigail it's me, it's Gilbert!
什么 谁
What? Who?
吉尔伯特 你的丈夫
Gilbert, your husband.
你在失忆之前深爱的丈夫
Who you loved before the amnesia.
想得美 吉尔伯特
Nice try, Gilbert.
你在这里做什么
What are you doing here?
我也喜欢自我保养一下 但是 我看到了
Well I like a little self-care too. But, I saw your pubic message
你用阴毛拼出来的求救信息来确保你没事
and I wanted to make sure you were safe.
你真好心但是你闻起来像是
That's very kind but you smell like sushi
喷了男士古龙水的寿司
that's been sprayed with men's cologne.
这里发生了什么
Well, what happened here?
我正在蒸桑拿
Well, I was taking a nice sauna,
有人把我关在里面调高了温度
and someone locked me in there and turned up the heat.
至日私密护理
It was more terrifying
还要可怕
than that solstice vaginal steam I had earlier.
我也做过
Hey, I got that one too.
我不想要躺在这了什么都不做
I don't like just laying here and doing nothing!
我感觉像是女性音乐节的男人一样没用
I feel as useless as a penis at the Lilith Fair!
艾比盖尔姑姑 我知道你很坚强
Aunt Abigail, I know you're a real tough bitch.
但是你得让我来帮你
But you have to let me help you.
接受我的帮助
So let me help you!
听你侄女的
Listen to your niece.
杰瑞 你在我的办公室做什么
Jerry, what are you doing in my bedroom?
你是自己进来的吗
Did you just let yourself in?
无意打扰 但是我自作主张
I don't mean to intrude, but I took the liberty
在接下来的几个星期给你雇了一个保镖
of hiring you a bodyguard for the next few weeks.
我不能让你在写出下一本小说之前死掉
I can't have you dying before you finish your next novel.
你的幽默感很奇怪
You've got a really weird sense of humor.
我想要缓解一下气氛 让你感觉安全一些
I'm trying to lighten the mood and make you feel safer.
你的报表名字叫
This is your bodyguard whose name is...
- 尤达 - 尤达
- Yoda. - Yoda.
等等 不对吧
Wait that-- That can't be right.
你父母照著尤达给你起的名
You're named after Yoda?
绝地大♥师♥ 尤达
Jedi master, Yoda?
达戈巴星球人 绝地理事会成员
Resident of Dagobah? Original seat on the--
我父母在电影出来之前就给我起了这个名字
My parents named me Yoda way before those stupid movies!
在帝国反击战之前都很正常
Everything was fine and then Empire Strikes Back comes out,
电影一出来 有大就变成了这个奇怪的小东西的专属了
and Yoda's the name of this weird little monster.
好吧
Okay, well.
尤达会整夜守在门口你可以睡个好觉了
Yoda will be at your front door all night so that you can finally get some sleep.
不 我们不需要他
No, we don't need him.
我很解释把人打趴下不成问题
I'm actually incredibly strong and can really fuck someone up.
放马过来
Bring it.
没关系 海蒂
It's all right, Heidi.
我今天没精力再争了 随他们去吧
I'm too tired to argue tonight. Let the men be men.
- 就这么定了 - 好的
-Well, then it's settled. -All right.
所有人 出去 我姑姑需要睡美容觉
Everyone, get out. My aunt needs some beauty sleep.
美容觉 你本来就很美
Beauty sleep? You could not get any more beautiful.
没必要拍我马屁 杰瑞
No need to butter me up like a hunk of hot sour dough, Jerry.
艾比盖尔 你的皮肤看起来好极了
Abigail, your skin looks amazing.
泥巴面膜的效果出众
That mud mask did wonders.
阿比盖尔姑姑
Aunt Abigail?
我今晚去狗屋睡觉
I'm gonna sleep in the dog's room tonight
好让你好好休息
so that you can rest.
好的
All right.
快睡觉吧
Now get some sleep.
尤达
Yoda.
进监狱你要去了
To jail you are going.
- 你为什么这么说话 - 尤达在星球大战里就这么说话
-Why'd you say it like that? -That's how Yoda speaks in Star Wars!
没看过 我试试
Never saw it, but let me try.
阿比盖尔 我是你的杀手
Abigail, I am your killer.
你确定你没看过 这听起来像是达斯·维达
You sure you've not seen the films? Because that sounds like Darth Vader.
别扯上我的弟弟
Don't talk about my little brother!
和世界告别吧 梅保沃斯女士
Time to say goodnight forever, Mrs. Mapleworth.
想想看 阿比盖尔
Think, Abigail.
你该如何破局
How you write yourself out of this one?
梅保沃斯女士在她魁梧的死敌走进的时候
Mrs. Mapleworth froze as her nemesis moved towards her
定在原地
in all his hunkiness.
回想起了最近参加的自卫课程
She was reminded of a recent self-defense class she attended,
老师是一名叫做达拉斯的标致女人
taught by a handsome woman named Dallas,
双臂健硕 手指轻柔
who had arms of steel and fingers like feathers.
你势不可挡 梅保沃斯女士
You're a force of nature, Mapleworth!
你有对象了吗
Are you dating anyone?
在地板上呆著吧 混♥蛋♥
Namaste on the floor, dipshit.
梅保沃斯女士
Mrs. Mapleworth.
还有这个
And this!
这个
And another one of these, and...
乌鸦坐飞机
And we have a double elbow to the testiculars.
少在这装模做样
Get your ass out of my face!
不许动 一动都不许动
Don't move. Don't move a muscle.
- 什么 - 我慌了
-What? -I got flustered.
阿比盖尔姑姑 你还好吗
Aunt Abigail, are you okay?
我好极了
I'm peachy.
你要进监狱了
You are going to jail.
罪名是谋杀未遂
For attempted murder.
你叫什么名字 你叫什么名字
What's your name? What's your name?
- 他叫尤达 - 尤达
-His name's Yoda. -Yoda?
那个尖耳朵绿吉娃娃
As in pointy-ear Chihuahua Yoda?
这名字很蠢
It's a pretty stupid name.
比尔斯 铐住他
Bills! Cuff him!
他不在
He's not here.
他不在
He's not here.
拿著 拿著 拿著
Hold this, hold this, hold this.
等你碰上个喜欢抱著你睡的狱友
Yeah, how'd that smirk on your face get in that bunk
看你还笑不笑得出来
with your cell mate who likes to spoon?
你这是从哪买♥♥的 玩具反斗城吗
Hey, where'd you get these from, Toys "R" Us?
闭嘴 我们终于抓到了凶手
Shut up. So, we finally found the murderer.
不 比尔斯
No, Bills.
- 尤达只是受雇的杀手 - 杀手
-Yoda is simply a paid assassin. -Assassin!
西装革履 我就知道
All the black outfit, I knew it!
007电影经典桥段
Same thing happens in all the James Bond movies.
总是一身黑
Dude always wears black.
- 他不是凶手 - 不是凶手
-He is not the murderer. -Not the murderer!
在你抢话之前我要说的
I was gonna say that until you stole my words.
但是现在 我知道真正的凶手是谁了
But now, I know who the real murderer is.
别担心 莫蒂 即便梅保沃斯夫人
Don't worry, Morty. Even though Mrs. Mapleworth is unable
因为身故无法完成作品
to finish her new novel because she's dead,
我这有部作品我想你一定会喜欢
I have something I think you're gonna like a lot more.
杰瑞
Hello, Jerry.
阿比盖尔
Abigail.
你还活著 我是说 你没死
You're alive! I mean, you're not dead.
你还活著 该死
I mean, you're alive. Damn it!
- 这是什么 - 没什么
-What's this, Jerry? -No, nothing!
你觉得把我除掉
Oh, you thought with me out of the way,
你就能把你的作品卖♥♥给莫蒂了吗
you could sell Morty some of your own writing?
不 这是我写的 这是我第一本小说
No! No, I mean, I wrote it. It's my first novel.
但是要我说还不错
But it's pretty good if you ask me.
有趣故事即将开始
"Something incredible happened
请君听我慢慢道来
and I'm going to tell you the whole entire story right here."
写的真糟糕
That's terrible writing, it's really shit.
这字体是怎么回事
And what is this trash font?
漫画蠢材体吗
Comic Sans Any Talent?