梅普沃思谋杀案（2020）

喂 那不是給你的
Hey, that's not meant for you!
那是我的酒
That's my salty nipple!
嫌疑人一號 特瓦特夫人
Suspect number one, Mrs. Twatt.
紅發奇葩
Pumpkin shooter.
準確 除了更年期晚期外
Precisely. What do we know about her,
我們對她還有哪些了解
besides the fact that she's balls deep in menopause?
你把她兒子抓進監獄 她不是很滿意
She's not psyched that you helped put her son in prison.
正確 后來她對我豎中指的時候
Correct. And when she flipped a flamingo on me,
我注意到她的橘色指甲油 和那些書上的一樣
I noticed she was wearing the same orange nail color that was on those books.
- 丁克·喬德勒 - 看起來人不錯
- Dink Choadler. - Seemed so nice.
人不可貌相啊
There are some nice murderers.
但他說過我的書他都買了
But he said he owned all my books.
- 比如后備箱里那些書 - 沒錯
- Like the books found in the trunk. - Exactly.
而且丁克看到那個醉漢喝了我的酒之后
He also yelled out, "That wasn't meant for you,"
還大喊 那不是給你的
when Dink saw the drunk drink my drink.
你在說繞否令嗎
Say that five fimes tast.
開死
Doggamnit!
我是說 我奧了
I mean, gab blam it!
聽起來 好像那杯酒是專門為你準備的
Also, it's like he meant for only you to drink it.
沒錯 那是他調的
Plus, he made the drink.
謝謝 吉爾伯特
Thank you, Gilbert.
謝謝 耶穌 賜給我美好的友情
Thank you, Jesus, for fun and friends.
最后就是 這個混♥蛋♥ 佩奇·惠靈頓
And last but least, this dick, Paige Wellingtont.
她一直狂打噴嚏
She was sneezing like crazy,
這也解釋了 為什么汽車前排有那么多紙巾
which would explain why there were so many tissues in the front seat of that car.
看看這亂七八糟的
Look at this mess.
我的嫌疑犯調查板上弄得花里胡哨的
A steaming hot pile of crow shit all over my suspect board here.
太亂了 諷刺的是 我也認為是這三個嫌疑犯
It's a mess. Ironically, I have my own same three suspects.
真的嗎
Really?
那是購物清單
That's a grocery list.
2打雞蛋
"Two dozen eggs."
這代表丁克
That's for Dink there,
因為他每天早上會用兩個雞蛋黃給我做好喝的奶昔
because he makes me the rocky smoothie every morning with the two egg yolks.
那兩個大西柚是誰
Who's "Two big grapefruits"?
這是特瓦特夫人 因為她胸前有兩個大柚子
That would be Mrs. Twatt there because you have two big grapefruits on her chest.
然后我給惠靈頓夫人的綽號是痔瘡
And my nickname for Mrs. Wellingtont is Hemorrhoids.
因為她討厭到菊花一緊
She's a pain in my ass!
我應該把他們三個都帶來問話嗎 先生
Should I bring all three of them in for questioning, sir?
你讓我捋一下 吉爾伯特
Let me get my balls together first, Gilbert.
這句話我剛要說 就被你搶先了
I was gonna say that, but you're talking over me in front of people.
真希望能造個時光機回到5秒前
I wish I could make a time machine and go back five seconds
這句話就能換我說了
so I can say what I was gonna say the first time.
真有意思 我發現你總是馬后炮
It's funny that you're always about to tell someone to do something
說自己本來也是那么想的
after they've already said they're going to do it.
說實話 我沒注意你在說什么 但我能感到氣氛不對
Honestly, I wasn't listening to you at all, but I do sense a tone in the room.
姑姑差點兩次被殺死
Well, I think that my aunt's probably just a bit on edge
她應該只是有點煩躁
after almost being killed twice.
是啊 不如你回家放松放松
Yeah. Why don't you go home and relax?
好吧 但你要把審問這三個人的過程告訴我
Fine, but just tell me what those three say when you interview them.
等一下 這事只能吉爾伯特跟我知道
Wait a minute now. No one's privy to that except Gilbert and myself.
這個案件正在調查中
This is an ongoing investigation.
你別插手 梅保沃斯
So stay out of it, Mapleworth.
我為什么要給阿比蓋爾下毒
Why would I try to poison Abigail?
她是我朋友
We're friends.
可你的文字好像不是這么描述她的
Everything you ever written about her says different.
會破案的爛作家 阿比蓋爾·長舌婦只會寫傻瓜中篇
"Shitty writer solves murder." "Abigail Windbag writes a dumb novella."
謎團解開了 放屁的是梅保沃斯
"Mystery solved. Mrs. Mapleworth was the farter."
還有一個問題
One more question.
你為什么要這么浪費報紙版面
Why are you such a boring waste of space?
還有 她的確很糟糕
And also, she's a piece of shit.
出去
Woman!
聽好 我們的職責是跟嫌疑人溝通 直到他露餡
Okay. Our job is to talk to the suspect till the suspect fucks up.
那么問題來了
So here's the question.
你給梅保沃斯夫人調酒的時候 下毒了嗎
When you made Mrs. Mapleworth's drink, did you add poison?
- 是的 - 看吧
- Yes. - See?
- 等下 你是說加苦艾酒嗎 - 不 我是說毒藥
- Wait. Did you say vermouth? - No. I said poison.
說錯了 那就沒有
Oops. Then no.
我管酒就叫毒藥
I call all booze poison,
這樣有人點酒的時候 我就可以說 你喝什么毒
so when someone sits down, I can say, "Name your poison."
聽起來很俏皮
Because it sounds nifty.
好 我們有幾個問題要問你 特瓦特夫人
Okay, we got a few questions for you, Mrs. Twatt.
我已經不叫這個名字了 謝天謝地
That's no longer my name, thank God.
我改嫁了 請叫我明奇夫人
I remarried. Please call me Mrs. Minge.
全名是弗吉尼亞·特瓦特·明奇
Mrs. Virginia Twatt-Minge.
聽好 我和吉爾伯特 是警♥察♥
See, me and Gilbert here, we're the police.
你最好想好再回答
You better be careful how you answer this.
你是否給梅保沃斯夫人的酒下毒
Did you put poison in Mrs. Mapleworth's drink?
回答該屎的問題
Answer the doggang question...
回答該撕的問題
Answer the gall dang question...
小吉 你別鬧 改天再說
Not today, Pilts, not today.
搞什么
What the hell?
趕緊出去
Get the fuck out of here!
你是不是想開車撞倒梅保沃斯夫人
Did you try to run over Mrs. Mapleworth with your car?
怎么可能 我當時在給音樂會寫點評
How could I? I was reviewing the Pitch 22 concert.
當時就坐在梅保沃斯夫人的侄女 還有她兩個怪人朋友旁邊
I sat right next to Mrs. Mapleworth's niece and her two weird friends.
不是我 我當時在自己的威士忌俱樂部里
It wasn't me. I was at my whiskey club,
這是一個一邊喝威士忌 一邊用球桿亂打的俱樂部
where we drink whiskey and hit things with clubs.
我特么連破車都不會開
How can I possibly have tried to run Mrs. Mapleworth over
怎么可能撞倒梅保沃斯夫人
if I don't know how to drive a ding-dang car?
拿出證明
Prove it!
他們全是無辜的
They're all innocent!
吉爾伯特 如果這么嚇人 你應該提醒我的
Gilbert! You gotta give me a heads-up if it's gonna be a shit-in-the-pants day.
今天真累 阿比蓋爾姑姑
It has been a stressful day, Aunt Abigail.
我們需要重新思考一下
We really need to regroup.
需要我 幫你嗎
Can I just, like, help you?
海蒂 你不要寵壞我
You don't need to coddle me, Heidi.
我又不是需要喝奶的小貓咪
I'm not a little baby kitten looking for her mama's teat.
不過我確實愛看它們的視頻
Although I love those videos with...
真可愛
Oh, I love it.
但是 現在該換我來照顧你了
Well, it's time someone looked after you for a change.
你好好休息
So you relax.
穿上居家服
Let's put on one of your house dresses.
阿比蓋爾姑姑
Aunt Abigail?
你怎么有這么多這玩意
Why do you have so many of these?
你在說頸部按♥摩♥器嗎
What, my neck massagers?
你難道脖子不會酸嗎
Don't tell me you don't get a stiff neck sometimes.
現代女人都用這個
All modern women do.
這是我最喜歡的 我叫它紫色王子
That's my favorite. That's the purple princess.
有40檔呢
It has 40 settings.
這個好像很棒
This one's pretty cool.
有蒸汽龐克風 放在下面的話
Like steam punk. You junk.
我這輩子從沒見過這東西
I've never seen that before in my life.
這能殺死我們倆
That could've killed both of us.
炸藥把我的按♥摩♥器都觸發了
Looks like the dynamite set off my neck massagers.
最大的那個可能抖的最起勁
The giant one is probably leading the pack.
往好了想
Well, on the bright side,
今晚某人的小貓咪要享福了
there's gonna be a happy pussy tonight in this house.
你說什么
I'm sorry?
奶油甜餅 我找到了你的小球球
Buttercrunch, I found your sparkle balls.
抽屜里有多少個頸部按♥摩♥器
So how many neck massagers were in the dresser?
這不重要 吉爾伯特 向板子出發
Don't worry about it, Gilbert. To the board.
或許
Or...
會不會不止有一場謀殺
What if there's more than one murderer?
- 我在想 - 能嗎 吉爾伯特
- You know, I've been thinking... - Can it, Gilbert.
你只是為了推理而推理
You're just coming up with theories to come up with theories.
對不起 吉爾伯特
I'm sorry, Gilbert.
我好混亂
I'm so discombobulated.
通常謀殺案不會讓我緊張 但這次不同
I'm very relaxed around murder, but this one is different.
這么多次千鈞一發 我意識到
With all these close calls, I've realized...
自己隨時可能告別美麗世界
that I could lose my wonderful life,