梅普沃思谋杀案（2020）

他死了
He's dead!
- 真的吗 - 不 不 不
- Really? - No, no, no.
不
No!
不知道演唱会取消了没有
I wonder if the concert is canceled.
如果取消了 我能理解 但是我本来很期待这次演唱会的
If it is, I get it but it's just something I've really been looking forward to.
我要怎么处理这个
And what am I gonna do with this?
- 谁会做出这种事来 - 九街的母牛纹身
- Who could've done such a thing? - Heifer Tattoos on Ninth Street...
- 不是你的纹身 吉尔伯特 - 对
- Not your tattoo, Gilbert. - Right.
谁有可能杀害布兰·贝克比兰
Who could've killed Bran BcBillan?
14号♥取餐
Fourteen's up.
我倒不是要抱怨 但是为什么会有一家玉米片店开在殡仪馆里
Not that I'm complaining but why is there a taco shop in a funeral home?
新伍德溪的殡仪馆太多
There are so many funeral homes in New Woodstream,
在殡仪馆里开连锁店有利可图
it's lucrative for food franchises to piggyback onto it.
另外食物可以帮助哀悼者节哀顺变
Plus food does put a cork in the sadness of the bereaved.
你知道你该做什么吗
You know what you should do?
在你和大学同学
After a night with all your new college friends,
伴着嘻哈音乐劲歌♥热舞一晚上之后
after you've been dancing and hip-hopping and crunk-funking,
你应该到这来跟他们大快朵颐这里的玉米片
you should come here and have a big taco "munch-athon" with each other.
行 我会通知我的同学的
Yeah, I'll tell my college friends.
所有人
All of them.
12号♥ 你的哀悼玉米卷好了
Number 12, your bereavement burrito is ready.
欢迎
Welcome.
需要疏导项目 纸巾
Programs? Tissue?
玉米片配莎莎酱
Chips and salsa?
谁会杀害我们迷人的兄弟
Who could've killed our crazy attractive brother?
我不想搬弄是非 但是也许是你干的 布罗迪
I'm not trying to stir up any shit but maybe it was you, Brody.
我为什么要杀他 他是组合里最好的歌♥手
Now, why would I kill him? He was the best singer in the group.
现在你是组合里最好的男歌♥手了
Well, now you're the best male singer in the group, so just saying.
你怎么敢这么说 我不是弑兄犯
How dare you. I'm not a brother killer.
你母亲
You mother...
停下 停下 别闹了
Stop it. Stop. Stop titty twisting.
他都不知道捏到哪去了
He's undershooting my nips by, like, five inches.
你把我当奶牛吗
What do you think I am, a cow?
我知道现在提起来不太合适
Broda, I know this is a weird time to bring this up...
但是姐妹间说句老实话
but sister to sister, girl,
你的口气闻起来像是臭尿布
your breath smells like a toddler's hot mall diaper.
这些薄荷糖是我在他去世之前给他的
These mints, they were given to me by Bran before he passed.
吃一粒
Here, have one.
我不想要你死去兄弟的东西
I don't want anything from our fucking brother.
他是个顶级混球
He was a grade-A asshole.
他还尸骨未寒
He's not even cold yet.
你这个冷血的婊♥子♥
You are such a heartless bitch.
你是个没屁的贱♥人♥
You're such a fart-less Mitch!
所有人都闭嘴 不许出声
Everybody shut their holes, all of them. Pie, pee, butt and bung.
也许没有兄弟正好省事
Maybe I'm glad I don't have siblings.
我能说些什么 全都是从娘胎里生出来的
What can I say? They all came out breach.
分娩的时候让人感觉好像拉出来了一个餐盘
It felt like pushing open TV trays out of my queef station.
然后我们跟其他的父母一样
And then we did what all parents do:
把他们养到能够自己出游
We just kept them alive until they started touring.
等等 死的是哪一个
Wait, so which one died?
- 我不确定 我们有几个 - 少了一个
- I'm not sure. How many do we have? - One less.
因为我们是家长 免费玉米片
Since we're parents, we get free tacos.
请节哀
Our deepest.
我开始觉得这些兄弟姐妹的教育
I'm starting to think these smiling siblings' upbringing
可能没有想象的那么好
wasn't as trippy as we think it was.
你要怎么教训这些孩子
How the fink do you reprimand that many kids?
有布兰 布兰达 布罗迪 布罗达
You got Bran, Branda, Brody, Broda.
你要怎么分清
How the hell do you even keep up with all those Bs?
这么多B 我都不知道我能不能分清
It's just too many Bs. I don't know if I can do it.
你的名字可是叫比利·比尔斯 先生
Well, your name is Billy Bills, sir.
走开 吉尔伯特
Get out of here, Gilbert!
不敢相信他不在了
I just can't believe he's gone.
我们并不恨他
We didn't hate him at all.
可惜了
Sad.
请节哀
My condolences, you guys.
你们能签一下你们的口供吗
Could you just sign your statements?
这个签在底下
And also this one on the bottom too,
麻烦你在照片下面签个名
if you could, under your photo.
吉尔伯特 我们之前在车里就说过了
Gilbert. We talked about this earlier in the car, right?
今天不是时候
Come on, man. Not today.
欢迎 各位 我是送葬人李·德兰
Welcome, everyone. I'm Undertaker Lee Drain.
由我来主持布兰·贝克比兰通往腐化的旅程
I am here to be Bran BcBillan's tour guide to Worm Town.
我会小心地将他送入泥土中长眠
I will be lovingly tucking him in to his forever dirt nap.
你们可能好奇棺材的形状为什么这么拧巴
You might be wondering why the casket is shaped so screwy.
我们的死者
Well, our toe-tagger here...
抱歉
Sorry.
我们挚爱的朋友和兄弟
Our beloved friend and brother
实在表演扭转动作的时候去世的 我们没办法让他恢复正常体♥位♥
died in a b-boy spin position and we just couldn't uncurl him out of it.
我们用尽了办法
Oh, we tried.
往他身上倒了煤渣砖
We dropped a shitload of cinderblocks on him.
想用蒸汽把他熨平
And tried to steam him out.
甚至用几辆福特卡车拉他
Even put him between a couple of F-150s and tried to tow him apart
他都纹丝不动
and he wouldn't budge.
实话告诉你们 这么多年来
Got to tell you, in all my years,
我还从来没见过那个人尸僵得这么快
I've never seen anyone get that hard that quick.
我认为布兰是被番木鳖碱毒害的
I believe that Bran was poisoned with strychnine.
随便抓只老鼠问问就知道
Ask any fruit rat.
一分钟之内就能让你尸体僵直
It takes you from zero to stiffy in 60 seconds.
请掌声有请贝克比兰兄弟姐妹
Anyway, please put your hands together for the BcBillan Brother Plus Sisters.
谢谢你们 女士们先生们 我的兄弟和我决定
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My siblings and I would like to
演唱一首我们的热门歌♥曲
sing one of our hits
布兰生前喜欢伴着这首歌♥
that our beloved brother, Bran,
载歌♥载舞
used to love to shake his gorgeous ass to.
歌♥曲名字叫做月尘
It's called "Moon Dust."
月尘
Oh, "Moon Dust."
糟糕的灰尘
Awful dust.
你如满月般丰满
You got a can like a harvest moon
为什么不展示你的窈窕体态
Why don't you shake it?
你想是滚烫的土豆
Like a tater that's steaming hot
为什么不像俄♥罗♥斯♥黑客一样黑进我的新
Why don't you ding that dam Like a Russian bot?
耶
Oh, yeah
月尘
Moon dust
不 我的兄弟
Oh, no. My brother.
太惨了
So sad.
可怜的家伙
Poor pudding.
我去扶他过来
I'll go get him.
布罗迪 可以了
Brody, come on.
别挤了
Stop milking it.
布罗迪 布罗迪
Brody? Brody?
布罗迪
Brody?
布罗迪
Brody!
- 他死了 - 什么
- He's dead. - What?
布罗迪死了 我的兄弟跟着另一个兄弟去了
Brody's dead. My dead brother is talking to my other dead brother.
凶手用同样的毒药杀死了布罗迪
The killer used the same poison to kill Brody as they used on Bran.
他们是怎么潜入殡仪馆的 安保措施很严
But how did they sneak into the funeral? Security is very tight.
他们还把我的跳蛋给没收了
They confiscated my massage egg.
天呐
Oh, boy.
这是蜜罐餐厅的服务员
Hey. It's that server from The Honey Pot.
你们好
Hi, hi, how are you?
我以为你们恨这些人 我们认为你杀了他们
I thought you hated these guys. Also we think you killed them.
你觉得我会伤害他们 我爱他们
You think I'd hurt them? I love them.
我还给他们其中的一个人生了孩子
One of them put their seed inside of me and I made a baby come out.
哪一个
Which one?
我不知道 那一晚过得很疯狂
I don't know. It was a really crazy night.
绝对是布兰
Definitely Bran.
得看角度 看
Depends on the angle. Look.
我觉得像布罗迪
I see Brody.
你有可能跟布罗达和布兰达来了个三人行
For all we know, you could've had a threezo with Broda and Branda.
对 同性恋科学
Yes. Gay science.
你别再来打扰我和我的孩子
You leave me and my baby alone.