梅普沃思谋杀案（2020）

海蒂 你不需要呆在这儿 现在是周六晚上
Heidi, you don't have to be here. It's Saturday night.
难道你不应该和朋友们一起出去玩手指陀螺
Shouldn't you be out with your friends fidgeting each other's spinners?
我们早就不那么玩儿了
That's an old one.
现在 我们喜欢听悄悄话
Now we just like listening to people whisper things.
况且 我喜欢和你呆在一起
And besides, I like being here with you.
现在轮到杀不死的贝克比兰出场了
And now, the BcBillan you just can't kill.
天哪
Oh, my goodness.
今晚的人好多
So many beautiful faces tonight.
感谢你们来到这个演唱会
So kind of you all to be here for this concert
为我的死了的或入狱的家人们捧场
to benefit my dead or jailed family members.
我亲爱的兄弟们被
My beloved brothers were poisoned
我淫♥荡♥的姐姐毒死了 照片就在那
by my cunt of a sister right there on the end.
不 不 大家不要为我难过
Oh, no, no. Don't feel bad for me, guys.
这是一个挺好的饮食习惯 真的
It's a pretty good diet, really.
别乱吃东西 因为你可能会中毒
Just don't eat anything Because you might get poisoned
说真格的
But seriously, though,
由于那些混♥蛋♥
I was never allowed to write any of our songs
我从来没有参与到歌♥曲创作中
because of those cocksuckers right there.
但现在只剩我一个了 所以我别无选择
But I'm the only one left, so I had no choice.
我们带来了 短板
We've got "Short Straw."
太好了
Great.
开始了
Here we go!
我抽到了短板 捡起满是伤痕的苹果
I picked the short straw The bruisiest apple
推着轮子坏了的购物车
The grocery cart With the fucked-up wheel
我有像牙签一样短的木签
I got that short-ass straw That looks like a toothpick
最不起眼的身材
The puniest boobs In the whole damn field
短板
Short straw
这就对了 朋友们 我抽到了短板
That's right, people. I got that short straw.
我说的短短板 实际上是 钢管
And by "Short straw," I mean, "Stripper pole."
谢谢你把它放进去 基恩 眨眼
Thanks for putting it in, Gene. Wink.
短板
Short straw
快 推我转 推我转
All right, spin me. Spin me.
我的下面几个小时就失去知觉了
I lost feeling down there hours ago.
她死了
She's dead.
妈呀
Oh, dear.
她就像沙发上的金鱼一样死翘翘的
She's as dead as a goldfish on a couch.
你知道吗
You know what?
这次布兰达不可能是凶手 她在监狱
Branda couldn't have been the murderer this time. She's in jail.
好消息是布兰达不是凶手
The good news is that Branda is not the murderer.
坏消息是
The bad news is that Branda
布兰达被杀了
is the murdered!
- 不 - 这是咋回事儿
- No. - What in the hot fudge?
- 你怎么知道布兰达在里面 - 我推理出来的
- How did you know Branda was in there? - I figured it out.
因为我是贝克比兰家的铁杆粉丝
Because I stan the BcBillan family so much.
谢谢我的侄女教我 铁杆粉丝 这个词
And I thank my niece for teaching me the word "Stan."
我姑妈是我最好的朋友
My aunt's my best friend.
我为啥要这么说 什么不呢
Don't know why I said that. Why not?
我并不完美
There are many things about me that are not perfect.
骗子
Liar!
我有不规则的阴♥部♥ 我的指甲又黄又软
I have irregular pubic borders, I have butter-soft nails,
我有四个奶头
and I have a fourth nipple.
这种东西让我做噩梦
Stuff of nightmares.
但我音准好 那个钢琴跑调了
But I do have perfect pitch and that piano was off-key.
我们没注意到
We didn't notice it
因为布罗达是家族里真正最有天赋的
because Broda was actually the most talented musically in the family.
但她没有机会展示
But she didn't get a chance to show it.
她在适应不跑调的节奏
She was adjusting to the off-key accompaniment.
- 让我解释清楚 - 你为什么不唱
- Let me explain this further. - Why don't you sing it?
你知道我不能
You know I can't do that.
别害怕
Don't be afraid.
谁想听她唱
Who wants to hear her sing?
阿比盖尔
Abigail.
阿比盖尔
Abigail.
阿比盖尔
Abigail.
阿比盖尔
Abigail.
我二十岁的时候 一个蛾子飞进我的气管
When I was in my 20s, a moth flew into my windpipe
从那以后 我就不敢为别人唱歌♥了
and ever since then, I'm terrified to sing in public.
为别人演唱是我最害怕的事
Singing in public, my greatest fear.
思考 阿比盖尔
Think, Abigail.
你怎么躲过这一劫
How would you write yourself out of this?
梅保沃斯女士站在国际欧洲竞技场的舞台中间
Mrs. Mapleworth stood center stage in front of 2 million people
面对着两百万人
at the International Arena of Europe.
我不再畏惧
I'm not afraid anymore
我已经战胜恐惧
I've kicked down that scaredy-cat door
嘿 世界
Hey, world
听我
Hear me
怒吼吧
Roar
你能做到 阿比盖尔姑妈
You can do it, Aunt Abigail.
这是一个关于家人互相嫉妒的故事
You see, this is a tale family jealousy
是个极具破坏性的故事
A destructive tale indeed
音乐会前 布罗达把布兰达保释出来
Prior to the concert Broda bailed out Branda
尽管她总活在她的阴影中
Even though she was always in her shadow
我不明白她为什么要把它唱出来 你明白我的意思吗
I just don't understand why she has to sing it, you know what I'm saying?
这都不是一首歌♥
It's not even an actual song.
她就是给我们陈述事实
She's just giving us dry information on the case.
布罗达爱她的姐姐 但恨她的哥哥布罗迪
Broda loved her sister But hated brother Brody
所以她毒死了他
So she poisoned him
但等等 还没完
But wait, there's more
别唱唱停停 太怪了
Stop half-singing. It's unnatural.
你应该害怕在公共场合唱歌♥
You should be afraid to sing in public.
发生了什么
What is happening right now?
现在成对唱了
Oh, now it's a duet.
然后布罗迪杀了布兰
Then Brody murdered Bran
- 因为布兰有着最好的嗓音 - 好嗓音 好嗓音
- Because Bran had the best voice - Best voice, best voice
还有一件事
And one more thing
感谢老天
Thank the Lord.
布兰几天前给布兰达一颗薄荷糖
Bran gave Branda a breath mint days ago
那是个慢效俄♥罗♥斯♥毒药
That was a slow-working Russian poison
她钻进了钢琴里
And she wandered into the piano
以为那是个小屋子
Thinking it was a tiny home
- 这就是这一家子怎么 - 这就是这一家子怎么
- And that's how BBPS - And that's how BBPS
- 死的 -死的
- Died - Died
我代表所有人鼓掌 唱的太棒了
I'm clapping for all of us because that was amazing.
等等 谁杀了布罗达
But wait, who killed Broda?
- 所以 - 别他妈的唱了
- So - Enough with the damn singing!
- 谁干的 - 因劈腿而死
- Who did it? - Death by splits.
她死于外阴撕裂
She died of a broken vulva.
有趣的一点 你知道心脏和外阴是同一个器官吗
Fun fact, did you know the heart and the vulva are the same organ?
它是人体内最长的器官
It's the longest organ in the body.
不 事实上 对不起 这不是真的 我曾在普林斯顿大学读医学预科
No, actually, sorry. That's not true. I was premed at Princeton.
就是
Just...
事实上 不 应该是真的 我从来没去上过课
Actually, no, I didn't go to classes so it might be.
非此即彼
Either or.
哭的我嘴唇生疼
All this crying has made me chafe my lips.
你有唇膏吗
Do you have any lip salve?
有 有 有
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
抱歉 阿比盖尔姑妈 我知道这是你最喜欢的乐队
I'm sorry, Aunt Abigail. I know it was your favorite band.
我会为你做一个我喜欢的乐队的歌♥单
I'll make you a playlist of some of the bands I like
也许你会喜欢
and maybe you'll like them too.
你真好
That's very kind of you.
说真话
Real talk?
你看起来像个小丑妓♥女♥
You look like a clown whore.
这不是我第一次听别人这么说了
Well, that's not the first time I've heard that.
我以前做过很挣钱的马戏团妓♥女♥
I used to have a lucrative job as a circus prostitute.
我总是在桌子底下接钱 那里是“生意”进行的地方
And I was always paid under the table, where the B.J.s happened.
天哪 真怀念当年 开玩笑呢
Oh, God. I miss B.J.s. Just kidding.
抱歉
Oh, excuse me.
即使他们痛恨对方
Even though they resented each other...
- 还杀了彼此 - 这是真话
- And murdered each other. - That's true.
他们仍是一家人
They were still family.