开玩笑

Kidding S01E08

Part 3 June 1, 2020, 4:02 p.m.

喜欢上的女孩子...
that I ever had a crush on...
她名字叫曲奇[饼干]
Her name was Cookie,
我实在太想亲她了想到心痛
and I wanted to kiss her so bad, it hurt,
但我不想表露我的心意
but I didn't want to tip my hand.
有一天我读到一个幸运饼干里的纸条上面写着
One day, I read a fortune cookie, and it said,
"一些美味的事情将要发生在你身上"...
"Something delicious is gonna happen to you"...
我是在解释纸条的意思但它是个预兆
I'm paraphrasing, but it was a sign,
所以我在纸条背面写上了她的名字
so I wrote her name on the back of the fortune,
我就只做了这么多
and that was all it took.
我整个六年级都在和她约会
I dated her all through the sixth grade
后来我在海军的时候也一样
and then again in the Navy.
中学对你来说是什么样的呀
What was middle school like for you?
他们按身高来组织我们然后他们让
They organized us by height, and then they let
最高的小孩来教课
the tallest one teach the class.
你应该试试长曲棍球
You should try out for lacrosse
发泄一下你的侵略心理
and get out some of that aggression.
我也想但是我爸不让我们参加有身体对抗的运动
I want to, but Dad won't let us play contact sports.
他只允许我们参加少年棒球联盟
He'll only let us play Little League.
棒球也可以是有身体对抗的运动啊
Baseball can be a contact sport too.
只要滑垒的时候球棒朝上一点
Just slide with the spikes up.
蜜蜂保护协会
The Honeybee Conservancy.
"想象一个没有食物或花朵的世界
"Imagine a world without food or flowers.
作为一个非营利组织我们致力于保护蜜蜂群体
We are a nonprofit that works to sustain bee colonies
并努力确保
and ensure the future
我们最珍贵的传粉者的未来"
of our most precious pollinators."
我真为你感到自豪
Ah, I'm so proud of you.
这真的非常重要
This is so important.
嗯现在我只是捐款
Well, right now, I'm just donating,
但等我长大一点我想
but when I get older, I wanna
付出一些实际行动像迪尔德丽姑妈一样
get my hands dirty, like Aunt Deirdre does.
-你好 -你好
- Hi. - Hi.
皮奇里洛小姐欢迎回来
Miss Piccirillo, welcome back.
我们为您安排了七天的
Looks like we have you for seven days
维多利亚女王套房♥
in the Queen Victoria suite.
谢谢朱丽叶塔
Thank you, Julietta.
不好意思我不需要
I'm sorry. No hablo.
我只是在问你想要印度大♥麻♥
Oh, I'm just asking if you want
还是葡萄牙大♥麻♥
indica or sativa.
我起不来了
I can't get up.
伯利兹
Belize!
请享用
Enjoy.
-酸瓜先生请享用 -谢谢
- Mr. Pickles, please, enjoy. - Thank you.
谢谢
Thank you.
在我们和新朋友德莱尔和拉特丽丝
Before we enjoy this delicious meal
享受这顿美味晚餐之前
with our new friends Derrell and Latrice,
我... 菲尔
I... Phil.
等会儿行吗
Please?
我想说有时候
I'd like to say that sometimes,
一个糟糕的处境
it takes a terrible circumstance
能让好人们相聚在一起
to bring good people together,
我想告诉
and I would like to tell
你们两位
the both of you that
酸瓜家庭就是你们的家庭
the Pickles family is your family.
好了
All right.
那么达里尔你是几岁
So Darryl, how old were you
开始和你♥爸♥一起看木偶时间的呢
when you started watching Puppet Time with your dad?
是德莱尔
It's Derrell.
好吧
Oh, okay.
他从来没看过木偶空间
He never seen Puppet Place,
还是叫什么... 随便了
or... or whatever.
他爸也从来没看过
His dad never seen it, either.
但他喜欢听到关于它的事情
But he liked hearing about it,
而且他喜欢和你聊天杰夫瑞
and he liked talking with you, Jeffrey.
你真的觉得你去不了是吗
You really think you can't go, huh?
好吧这不是关于...
Well, it's not a matter of...
非常感谢你的理解
Thank you so much for understanding.
这宫保鸡丁看起来很辣呢
This kung pao looks spicy!
我真的很高兴你和我们一起德莱尔而且这很棒...
I'm really glad you're with us, Derrell, and it's nice...
这是什么感觉做连环杀人犯的儿子
What's it like, being the son of a mass murderer?
菲尔
Phil!
干嘛
What?
你说让我问好问题的
You said ask good questions.
那些尸体埋在哪里
Where are the bodies buried?
他有没有看过他爸爸
Has he seen the meme of his dad
穿着垮裤字幕上写着
wearing parachute pants with the caption saying
"该抡起锤子了"的那个梗
"It's hammer time"?
-菲利普... -这... 嘿没事的
- Philip... - It's... Hey, it's all right.
没关系的
It's all good.
他是个很不错的艺术家
He was a real good artist.
他本来可以成为纽约客杂♥志♥的漫画家的
He could've been a cartoonist for The New Yorker.
相反他从高中辍学
Instead, he was a high school dropout
成了一个没有执照的技工
and an unlicensed mechanic.
有一天一个男人来到店里
One day, a man came into the shop,
注意到我爸会画画他的名字叫阿尼
noticed my dad could draw. His name was Arnie.
他是哥伦布论♥坛♥报的记者
He was a reporter for The Columbus Tribune.
他说我爸可能有机会成为他们的自♥由♥供稿人
Said Pops might have a shot freelancing for them.
我爸在电♥话♥旁等了六个月
Pops waited by the phone for six months,
但从来没有接到过电♥话♥
but never got a call.
他那时二十三岁结婚了有一个小孩
He was 23, married, with a kid,
还有一大堆停车罚单
and a busload of parking tickets.
罚单都堆起来了
The tickets piled up.
大概需要三千块才能把车拿回来
It was like, what, $3,000 to get the car back.
我们家从来没有人在任何时候
No one in my family's ever had
名下账户里有超过一千块钱
more than $1,000 to their name at any one time.
你知道吗我爸去了法♥院♥
You know, my dad goes to court,
试图抗争输了
tries to fight it, loses,
然后在他出去的路上
and then, on his way out,
猜猜他遇见了谁
guess who he runs into?
阿尼
Arnie.
他问我爸 "嘿
Asked my dad, "Hey,
你为什么不跟进"
why didn't you follow up?"
我爸怎么会知道还要跟进
How was my dad supposed to know that following up was a thing?
他上了公交车
Dad gets on the bus,
到温蒂快餐店去吃了一顿饭
and he gets out at Wendy's to have a hot meal.
他看到培根芝士堡是方的
He saw those corners on that bacon cheeseburger,
他不想要方的
and he didn't want corners on his cheeseburger.
他只想要一个普普通通圆形的汉堡
He just wanted a normal, round hamburger.
但她不肯给他换成普通的
But she wouldn't give him a normal hamburger.
他就突然发火了你懂吗
And he just snapped, man. You feel me?
我们不像你们那样生活
We don't live how you live,
所以我们不知道你们知道的事
so we don't know what you know,
我们也就没法像你们一样行动
so we can't move how you move
来得到你们得到的东西
to get what you got.
我爸走之前想听到的只是
And all my dad wanted to hear before he go
你夸他画得好
was that you think he can draw good.
画得不错
Draw well.
过来
Come here.
你弄疼我的手臂了
You're hurting my arm.
那个男孩完全有理由
That boy has every reason to ask
要求一切但他没有
for everything, and doesn't.
而你没理由要求任何事
You have no reason to ask for anything,
却不能闭上你的嘴
and you can't keep your mouth shut.
学会闭上你的嘴
Learn how to keep your mouth shut.
听到我的话了吗
You hear me?
我和一个同事聊了
So I talked to a colleague
他们注射死刑用的药物
about the lethal injection drugs they use,
才知道这没有痛苦
and it turns out, they're painless.
那是因为你看不到他是谁
That's because you don't see who he is.
你只看到你想让他成为的人
You just see who you want him to be.
我只想让他成为普通的听话的孩子
I just want him to be a normal kid who listens.