开玩笑

Kidding S01E04

Part 2 June 1, 2020, 4:01 p.m.

要是一个孩子看了这个
What if a kid watched this,
跳进一个桶里挂上一张床单
put a barrel on, attached a bedsheet to it,
并试着在尼亚加拉瀑布上空跳伞呢
and tried to parachute over Niagara Falls?
幸存的几率不会太高
Chances would not be good.
我们一直在用相同的系列场景
We've been using that same visually arresting sequence
把你从真实世界
to transition you from the real world
转换到酸瓜桶瀑布30年了
to Pickle Barrel Falls for 30 years.
没有任何孩子这样尝试过吗
And no child has ever tried this?
我向你保证有的话我们会听说的
I promise you, we would've heard.
你为什么现在问这个
Why are you questioning this now?
亚克朗市的谢娜
Shaina, from Akron.
我们一起吃过奶酪蛋糕
We shared the cheesecake.
这个节目的某一刻拯救了她
A moment from this show saved her life.
如果这是真的要是我们不小心
If that's true, one moment from this show
这个节目可能会夺走一条生命
could take a life, if we're not careful.
这是个木偶戏这不是一个诅咒的猴爪
It's a puppet show. It's not a cursed monkey paw.
-我收到信息了吗 -我不知道
- Do I have texts? - I don't know.
这种手♥机♥使用AA电池
That's a cell phone that uses AA batteries.
你想换吗
You want to change something?
给装备升升级
Upgrade your gizmos.
与亚克朗市的谢娜进展如何
How'd things go with Shaina from Akron?
-没什么共同语言 -噢太糟了
- We didn't really connect. - Oh, that's too bad.
我交了其他朋友
I met someone else, though.
真的吗同一个晚上吗
Really? On the same night?
她叫薇薇安
Her name is Vivian.
那名字不错听起来很美
I love that name. She sounds gorgeous.
-现在跟我说说她 -她比我年轻
- Now tell me about her. - She's younger than me.
这很好只要她没在克罗格超♥市♥外
That's fine, as long as she's not
卖♥♥东西就成
selling Do-Si-Dos outside the Kroger.
-她的微笑很美 -太棒了
- She has a lovely smile. - Aw, terrific.
医生给了她大约6周时间
And the doctors give her about six weeks.
吉米你去哪
Where you off to, Jimmy?
酸瓜桶瀑布
Pickle Barrel Falls.
好的宝贝玩的开心
Okay, honey, have fun.
拜妈妈
Bye, Mom.
出发了
Here we go!
你想干嘛无聊的特里斯特
What are you trying to do, Ennui La Triste?
因为我的舌头是奶酪我吹不了口哨
Because my tongue is cheese, I cannot whistle!
怎样的奶酪啊
Quel fromage.
不是吧你这个变味的面包棒
Come on, you stale breadstick.
吹口哨很容易的
Whistling is easy.
算了
Mm, never mind.
无聊以我的经验
Ennui, in my experience,
每个人心中都有一个小旋律
everyone has a little tune in their heart,
如果你仔细听
and if you listen closely,
你总能听到
it always finds a way out.
现在你试试
Now you try.
然后我和她大干了一场
And then I loved her in the pussy.
哇
Wow.
我知道
I know.
我试着给她发信息但没有回复
I tried texting her, but there's no response.
你不是说她身患绝症吗
Didn't you say she was terminally ill?
不那只是3位医生的看法
No, that's just the opinion of three doctors.
她的态度
Her attitude would suggest
体现出一种完全不同的情况
an entirely different prognosis.
但我不知道我又不是3位医生
But what do I know? I'm not three doctors.
你还能做什么杰夫
What can you do, Jeff?
我讨厌去认为昨晚对她毫无意义
I hate to think that last night didn't mean anything to her.
也许你的手♥机♥坏了
Maybe your phone's broken.
因此她没回复
That's why she hasn't responded.
-你想过了吗 -对啦
- Did you think of that? - That's it.
你也许是对的
You're probably right.
多蠢啊
What a dopey-dope.
-嗨爸爸 -嗨儿子
- Hi, Dad. - Hello, my boy.
你问我这什么时候会结束
You asked when it all ends.
-我... -6周
- I... - Six weeks.
当他爱上的绝症女士去世时
When the cancer lady he's falling for bites it,
他就会出问题
that's when he pops.
没太多时间但我们能把冰上节目搞起来
Not a lot of time, but we can get the ice show on its feet
并奔向圣诞节
and rush the doll for Christmas.
威尔
Will.
你回来了吗
You back here?
我需要些技术上的支持
I could use some technical support.
哇是你
Whoa, it's you.
你的菠萝在冒烟
Your pineapple is smoking.
是的我把它称作精神催眠剂
Yeah, I call it the Mind-dozer.
它真的淘汰了苹果烟枪
It's practically made the apple bong obsolete.
而且抽完了之后你能把它切开吃掉
Plus, when you're done, you can chop it up and eat it,
补充点锰元素
get you manganese.
你看到我儿子了吗
Have you seen my son?
就算我在某个地方见过他
Just because I've seen him in a place
也不代表他真的就在那个地方知道吗
doesn't mean he's actually in that place, you know?
意思是他可能离开了那地方
Meaning, he could've left that place.
那你能指出你最后一次见到他的地方吗
Well, could you point to where you saw him last?
告朋友的密
Narc-ing on an acquaintance
会破坏我所有的原则亲爱的
would violate every principle I hold dear.
喂这是真的吗你在中情局当狙击手的时候
Hey, is it true you killed a bunch of Lebanese people
杀了一群黎巴嫩人
when you were a sniper for the CIA?
你说啥
What did you say?
暗网知道所有秘密伙计
The Dark Web knows all secrets, man.
你不该相信你读的每个谣言
You shouldn't believe every rumor you read.
说真的我完全不知道
Truth is, I wouldn't know the first thing
在1000码开外
about lining up an innocent man's peach pit
把一个无辜的人爆头...
from 1,000 yards out...
透过他的厨房♥窗户让他花开四溅的感觉
pink misting him through his kitchen window.
我从未去过黎巴嫩或伊朗
I've never been to Lebanon or Iran,
从不知道在干掉我的
never known the thrill of sipping
第100个目标后
the Shah's contraband tequila
喝一口国王的违禁龙舌兰酒的快♥感♥
from the cold navel of my 100th kill.
我也不会感谢多年的训练和毅力
Nor can I appreciate the years of training and tenacity
帮我在心跳和扳机指[腱鞘炎]之间
it would take to draw an imaginary line
划出一条假想的界限
between my heartbeat and my trigger finger.
我从没做过那些事情
Never done those things.
我绝对不会夺走某个人的生命
I could never take a man's life.
但是我听说
But I've heard it's as easy
那跟挤粉刺一样简单
as popping a pimple.
我觉得威尔在那边哥们
I think Will's over there, man.
谢谢你的帮助
Thanks for your help.
你真是个好帮手
You're a good helper.
好的挑一张牌随便哪张
All right, pick a card, any card.
-我要给你看吗 -不用
- Should I show you? - No.
别... 别给我看
Don't... don't show me.
现在在印了自行车标志的那面签名
Now, uh, sign the Bicycle side of the card.
威尔
Will?
你能跟我去趟手♥机♥店吗
Could you come with me to the phone store?
这玩意儿坏了我不知道该怎么办
This thing is broken. I don't know what to do.
所以你... 你觉得你的手♥机♥坏了
So you... you think your phone is broken
因为这个你刚认识的女人没回你消息
because this woman you just met didn't respond?
我们整晚都待在一起
We spent a whole night together.
告诉了对方绝对不可能告诉陌生人的事情
We told each other things you can never tell a stranger.
我们还做♥爱♥了
We made love.
这手♥机♥肯定出毛病了
There's something wrong with this.
好吧...我觉得它没问题啊
Yeah, uh... it looks okay to me.
你可以拿到后面去确认一下吗
Could you take in the back just to make sure?
这样我会感觉好点
I'd feel better.
当然当然
Sure. Sure.
只是...
Just...
好吧这台手♥机♥是注册在哪个账户下的
Yeah, which account is this phone registered under?
你的名字绑了两个套餐...
I have your name associated with two plans...
一个尾号♥是4356 另一个是786♥4♥
One ending in 4356, another in 786♥4♥.