开玩笑

Kidding S02E01

Part 1 June 1, 2020, 3:53 p.m.

前情提要
Previously on Kidding...
下一位嘉宾在庆祝他
Our next guest is celebrating
在儿童频道的三十周年纪念日
his 30th anniversary in children's television.
我之前有个儿子叫费尔
I had a son named Phil.
他死了
He died.
威尔你看我们要有新邻居了
Will, we're finally getting new neighbors.
如果吉尔发现你买♥♥了隔壁的房♥子
If Jill finds out you bought the house next to her,
他会带着威尔搬走的
she'll take Will and leave.
我看到吉尔在拥抱别的男人
I saw Jill hugging another man.
你是说啪啪别的男人吧
You mean fucking.
能说点好话就别毒舌好吗
Please don't use a bad word when you can use a good word.
你和爸爸要离婚了吗
Are you and Dad getting divorced?
没有啊你为什么这么问
No. Why would you ask me that?
斯科特好像是同性恋
I think Scott might be gay.
我想知道你是不是和
I need to know, did you have sexual relations
日本版的你哥做♥爱♥了
with the Japanese version of your brother?
我想告诉你
I want you to know that you can
你随时都可以来我家
come by the house whenever you like.
今晚怎么样我们去散散步
Tonight? We could go for a walk.
威尔抽大♥麻♥的技术炉火纯青
Will's smoking reefer like a jazz musician.
你吸毒会伤了你♥爸♥爸的心的
You are breaking your father's heart with this shit.
我积压在心头的愤怒难以言喻
I have a tremendous amount of pent-up anger.
我知道我穿的好像摩♥门♥教♥徒
And I know I dress like a Mormon
说话像僧人
and I talk like a monk,
但是在内心就像圣海伦火山
but inside, I'm Mount St. Helens
现在可是80年代我的身体就像岩浆
and it's 1980 and I am magma from the neck down.
谢谢你相信我能带好威尔
Thanks for trusting me with Will.
抽大♥麻♥吗
You wanna smoke a joint?
你觉得你♥爸♥爸会杀死
Do you think your dad's gonna kill
- 你妈妈的新男友吗 - 不会
- your mom's new boyfriend? - No.
那样可不好
That wouldn't be nice.
从我认识你们二位新人那天起
As long as I've known the both of you,
我很开心地看到你们
I have enjoyed watching
对彼此敞开心房♥ 和那无私的言语中透露出的善良
your shared and selfless language of kindness.
你们的爱情
Yours is a chemistry
是双方相濡以沫的互爱力量
built on the mutual love of love itself
以及你们二人
and the knowledge
携手应对一切挑战的内在力量
that each of you contains the inner strength
共同的结晶
to tackle every challenge together.
这里我借用另一种信仰的传统
To borrow a tradition I admire from another faith...
愿你们的爱
May your love last as long as it takes
长长久久
to put this glass back together.
这一部分我总感觉对于神圣的婚礼来说
This part always felt a little violent
有点暴♥力♥了
for holy matrimony.
你有这个魄力
You have it in you.
我知道的
I know it.
来吧杰夫踩了他
Go on, Jeff, smash it.
我爱你
I love you...
吉尔·皮奇里洛
Jill Piccirillo.
天啊希望如此吧
Gosh, I hope so,
毕竟整了那么多铺垫呢
after all that buildup.
喂
Hello?
腌黄瓜先生我是博比·贝隆戈
Mr. Pickles, this is Bobby Belongo
南本德腌黄瓜小队之章的
with the South Bend chapter of the Pickles Platoon.
这儿有一帮腌黄瓜小捣蛋鬼们
I've got a bunch of rowdy Pickle Pals here
想要在平安夜上为你献上表演
who wanted to serenade you on Christmas Eve.
天啊
My goodness...
真有才啊
what talent.
这位是丹尼
And this is Danny.
丹尼今年得到的腌黄瓜点数最高哦
Danny earned the most pickle points this year,
赢得了单独亲口对你说
and as a reward, he gets to wish you good yule tidings
圣诞快乐的机会
all by himself.
圣诞快乐腌黄瓜先生
Merry Christmas, Mr. Pickles.
圣诞快乐丹尼
Merry Christmas, Danny.
你今年是个听话的孩子吗
Have you been a good boy this year?
他嗑药了
He was on drugs.
彼得
Peter?
- 彼得 - 彼得
- Peter. - Peter.
我来报♥警♥
I'll call 911.
他没反应了
He's unresponsive.
颈椎完好无损
Cervical spine's intact.
胸部和背部多处创伤快告诉他们
Multiple traumas to the chest and abdomen... tell them!
多少处创伤才是多处创伤啊
How many traumas is multiple traumas?
- 你没事吧 - 你在跟我说话吗
- Are you okay? - You talking to me?
杰夫你刚刚出了车祸
Jeff, you were in a car accident.
你受伤了吗
Are you hurt?
没谢谢你问我
No. Thank you for asking.
请稍后
Please stay on the line.
电♥话♥会按照拨进顺序接听
Calls are answered in the order they are received.
今天是平安夜你肯定打不通的
It's Christmas Eve. You'll never get through.
- 他死了吗 - 我们得把他抬到
- Is he dead? - We need to put him
- 担架上 - 这都是我的错
- on some kind of stretcher. - This my fault.
- 这是我♥干♥的 - 他吃了一片安比恩
- I did this. - He took an Ambien.
谁知道他在想什么
Who knows what he was thinking?
他可能就冲着你的车走过去
He probably walked right in front of you
自己都没意识到
and didn't even realize it.
杰夫
Jeff, Jeff! Jeff!
他如果在20分钟内
If he's not on an operating table
不上手术台就会流血而死
in 20 minutes, he is going to bleed out.
我需要你
I need you.
帮帮我
Help me.
我的雪橇还在车♥库♥吗
Is my toboggan still in the garage?
我觉得我们还是换个对象吧
I think we should see other people.
他还需要什么
What else does he need?
快点开车
He needs you to drive as fast as humanly possible!
别嗑药
Don't do drugs!
坚持住彼得我们马上带你去医院
Hold on, Pete. We're gonna get ya help!
好的好的
Yeah, yeah...
不
No!
是个假圣诞老人
Oh, it's just Santa!
- 是个假圣诞老人 - 好吧
- It's just Santa! - Okay.
等下
Um, uh, hold on.
把挡风踢了
Just kick it!
快踢了
Kick it!
我给你报路情
I'm gonna call out the road,
你要重复我的话好吗
and you're gonna repeat it back, okay?
- 好的 - 左急转
- Okay. - Sharp left!
左急转
Sharp left. Ah!
手给我
Gimme your hand!
手给我手给我
Gimme your hand. Gimme your hand.
什么
What?
手指轻轻抵在他的脖子上
Keep your fingers gently on his neck.
你要记录下他的脉搏
I need you to register his pulse
这样我可以继续按压流血处
so I can keep putting pressure on the bleeding.
- 地上有坑 - 有坑
- Pothole! - Pothole! Ow!
如果你摸不到脉搏
If you don't feel a pulse,
那你就停车我要进行心肺复苏
I need you to pull over so I can perform CPR!
就快到了换车道
We're almost there. Changing lanes!
- 又换回来了 - 又换回来了
- Changing back! - Changing back!
这什么破路灯
Fuck this fucking light!
这倒霉路灯是怎么了
What the fuck is up with this fucking light?
等下
Hold on!
快把我送到医院
Get me to the hospital. Get me to the hospital.
快把我送到医院
Get me to the hospital!
我给你报路情
I'm gonna call out the road,
你重复我的话
and you're gonna repeat it back to me.
右转
Right turn.
- 右转 - 我听不见你说话
- Right turn. - I can't hear you.
右转
Right turn!
双胞胎在我肚子里捣乱
The twins are giving me the-the hiccups.