开玩笑

Kidding S01E05

Part 4 June 1, 2020, 4:02 p.m.

或者有时候我会
Or sometimes, I'll,
非常用力地吹口琴
blow really hard into a harmonica.
那真的很棒
That's really good.
我和威尔一样大的时候我会去溜冰
When I was Will's age, I'd go skating.
用溜冰来发泄
Skate it off.
好吧你溜得很不错
Well, you're pretty good at it.
是啊
Yeah.
但我不是奥♥运♥选手... 还不是
I'm no Olympian... yet.
好吧我觉得...
Oh. Well, I don't think...
你不会想在毒品泛滥的国家巡回滑冰表演
you want to tour meth country in an ice show.
不但我不喜欢他能做出另一个我
No, but I don't like that he can make another me.
我喜欢感到自己必不可缺
I like to feel necessary.
夜柔吠陀
There's a really great quote
有一句很好的名言
from the Y-Yajurveda.
印度教的说法据说能解决你所有的问题
It's a Hindu text. It'll solve all your problems.
它说...
It says...
"一拳暴打你♥爸♥脸"
"Punch your fucking father in the face."
你知道自从我不再担心进监狱以后
Do you know how many people I've punched in the face
暴打了多少人的脸吗
ever since I stopped caring about going to jail?
3个包括我的肿瘤医生
Three, including my oncologist.
一片披萨就要6美元
Six dollars for a slice of pizza?
一顿饭就要30美元了
That's, like, a $30 meal.
来这儿的人谁能付得起啊
Who comes in here that can afford that?
我老板说全球变暖
My boss says global warming
把今年的番茄冻坏了所以...
iced out the tomato crops this year, so...
-稍等一会儿 -你能不能
- Can you hang on a sec? - Can you just please
不要冲着我喊
stop yelling at me?
打扰一下
Excuse me.
不管其他顾客今天要什么
Whatever anybody wants
都算在我账上
for the rest of the day is free.
记你的账吗
Like, start a tab?
我不... 我不可以这么做
I don't... don't think I'm allowed to do that.
你当然可以
Sure you can.
你自己也享受一下
Give this to yourself.
感觉很棒的
It feels wonderful.
谢谢你酸瓜先生
Thank you, Mr. Pickles.
-谢了哥们 -谢谢酸瓜先生
- Thanks, dude. - Thanks, Mr. Pickles.
拯救世界哈
Saving the world.
才不... 只是让他们吃饱
Nah... feeding it.
我让我爸妈在我下次疗程的一周后来看我
I asked my parents to come up for a week after my next round.
他们说太冷了
They said it was too cold.
他们住在新泽西
They live in Jersey.
好吧...
Well...
对他们来说这也是一个困难时期
this is a difficult time for them, too.
他们害怕失去你
They're afraid to know a world without you.
不他们只是生气
No, they're upset that I went
我接受了医生的建议
with the recommendations of my doctors
而不是听我爸百度出来的东西
and not something that my dad found on WebMD.
抱歉你的卡不能支付
Sorry, your card's been declined.
它一直提示
I-it keeps giving me the code you get
出现可疑交易
when they place a hold on it due to suspicious activity.
威尔
Will.
你们收发现卡吗
Do you take Discover?
我能进来吗
May I enter the residence?
行先擦脚
Yeah, just wipe your feet.
嗨这里是吉尔和威尔的家
Hi. You've reached Jill and Will.
有时还有彼得
And sometimes Peter.
请在提示音后留言
Please leave a message after the tone.
你用了我的借记卡吗
Have you been using my debit card?
没有
I don't think so.
你没用它网购
You haven't used it to buy anything online
或者干别的吗
or anything like that?
没有
No.
我发誓
I promise.
一个水管工应聘大楼里的工作
A plumber was applying for a job in a building.
大楼经理说 "你是个好工人吗"
The building manager said, "Are you a good plumber?"
水管工说 "是我是最好的水管工"
And the plumber said, "Yes, I'm the best plumber."
大楼经理问...
The building manager asked...
"你犯过错吗"
"Have you ever made a mistake?"
水管工说 "从没"
And the plumber said, "Never."
"那我怎么能雇用你"
"Then how can I hire you?"...
经理说
the manager replied.
"如果你不犯错你就不会知道如何改正"
"If you make a mistake, you won't know how to fix it."
这说不通
That doesn't make any sense.
如果水管工从不犯错
Why would the plumber need to know how to fix a mistake
他为什么要知道怎么改正
if his whole thing is that he never makes them?
-每个人都会犯错 -哦所以水管工撒谎了吗
- Everybody makes mistakes. - Oh, so the plumber was lying?
我想说的不是这个
That's not what I'm saying.
好吧如果他没撒谎那挺不公平的
Well, if he isn't lying, then it seems pretty unfair
大楼经理雇了不如他的水管工
that he's getting passed up for a worse plumber
就因为他喜欢犯错的人
just because the manager has a fetish for fuckups.
-威尔 -我没用你的卡
- Will! - I didn't use your debit card.
话语是有力量的
Our words have power.
-如果你不小心... -闭嘴
- If you're not careful... - Shut up!
别说了别再说教了
Stop talking! Stop with the lessons!
我们懂了你总是会说话
We get it! You always know what to say!
对不起
I'm sorry.
有时候我不想听你说话
Sometimes I don't want you to talk.
我想让你倾听
I want you to listen.
我是你♥爸♥爸
I'm your dad.
我一直在倾听你说话
I'm always listening.
算了
Doesn't matter.
爷爷已经找过我了
Poppy already sat me down
说的可能就是你要说的话...
and told me everything you're probably gonna say any...
他什么什么时候
He what? When?
昨天他说了5个字
Yesterday, and it took him about five words
就说了你100字说的话
to say what takes you 100.
他不是我
He's not me.
彼得也不是我
Peter's not me.
塔拉·利平斯基更不是我
Tara Lipinski's not me.
无所谓了
Whatever.
别让爷爷绑♥架♥我
Please don't send Poppy to kidnap me.
他老了会吓到我的朋友
He's old, and he scares my friends.
我要和他谈谈
I need to talk to him.
该死
God damn it.
喂你今天早上是不是
Hey, did you accidentally
意外给我发了一堆信息
text me a bunch of Js this morning?
你知道我会一直站在你这边
You know, I'm always on your side,
不论发生什么我会...
no matter what, and I just...
我等不及要见薇薇安了感觉她真的很酷
I can't wait to meet Vivian. She seems really cool.
他们不断进步能治愈新的疾病
And, you know, they're always curing new stuff.
你觉得我有同情心吗
Do you think I have a heart?
把那家伙撕成碎片杰弗里
Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey!
嗨我是杰夫
Hi, I'm Jeff.
您好这里是花旗银行
Hello, this is Citibank,
早期诈骗侦测部门
early fraud detection department.
您有一笔于10月14日周日
A suspicious transaction in the amount
与巴特比鞋店678.43美元的
of $678.43 was charged to Bartleby's Shoes
可疑交易
on Sunday, October 14th.
请按1确认这笔交易
Please press one to confirm you made this transaction.
去射箭吗傻♥逼♥
On your way to archery, retard?
我知道一个可以爽爽的地方
I know a place where we can light up.
-我以为你戒了 -随便了
- I thought you quit. - Whatever.
-这是谁的房♥子 -对
- Whose house is this? - Yeah.
我的新隐形邻居
My new invisible neighbor.
-是空的吗 -对
- It's empty? - Yeah.
没人搬进来就只是空房♥子
No one moved in. It's just sitting here.
♪ 两个H 一个O ♪
♪ Two parts H, one part O ♪
♪ 不要对未知产生恐惧 ♪
♪ Don't be afraid of what you don't know ♪
♪ 它们就在这里只是蒸汽与空气 ♪
♪ They're up there, it's just vapor and air ♪