开玩笑

Kidding S01E04

Part 3 June 1, 2020, 4:01 p.m.

-对的第一个 -好的
- Yeah, the first one. - Okay.
我们会彻底查明原因的
We will get to the bottom of this.
-好极了 -好的
- Great. - Okay.
好的
Okay.
那个...
Hey...
你觉得我能不能要一个...
do you think that maybe I could get a, uh...
新手♥机♥ 这种有字母数字键盘的
a new phone, one with a, uh, alphanumeric keyboard?
你要这来干什么
What do you need that for?
谁的... 谁的手♥机♥号♥尾号♥是786♥4♥啊
Whose, uh... whose phone number ends in 786♥4♥?
什么
What?
他... 他说你有两个手♥机♥号♥
He, uh... he said that you have two numbers.
另一个号♥属于一个男人
The other number belongs to a man
他背部受伤太严重以致于无法继续工作
who hurt his back so badly that he can't work anymore,
所以我替他支付一部分生活必需品的费用
so I pay for some of his necessities,
比如他的手♥机♥ 房♥租和女儿的学费
like his phone and his rent and his daughter's education.
他是怎么受伤的
How did he get hurt?
他开着那天撞到你和菲尔的那辆卡车
He was driving the truck that hit you and Phil that day.
你难道不恨他吗
Don't you hate that guy?
仇恨并不会惩罚你以为它会惩罚的人
Hate doesn't punish who you think it does.
好吧我让我们的...
Well, I had our...
最好的技术员看了一下
best technicians take a look,
看起来这手♥机♥并没有任何问题
and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with the phone.
这真是不幸
That's unfortunate.
你看酸瓜先生... 是这样的
Um, look, Mr. Pickles... here's the thing.
我能告诉你我认为真正发生了什么吗
Can I tell you what I think really happened?
我我不觉得是你的手♥机♥坏了
I-I don't think that your phone is broken.
我觉得是她的手♥机♥坏了
I think that, uh, it's hers that's broken,
所以她才没回你短♥信♥
and that's why she's not responding.
有道理
That makes sense.
我就知道我带你来是有原因的
I knew there was a reason I brought you.
他是家里的电脑高手
He's the family computer whiz.
是啊真是...
Yeah, that's...
那么还有什么我可以帮你的吗
Uh, so is there anything else I can help you with?
还有这个
Just that.
从前树枝上有一架秋千
Once upon a time, there was a swing in a branch
和一个又大又胖的棉花糖
and a big, fat marshmallow.
为什么猫只吃棉花糖啊爸爸
Why does the cat only eat marshmallows, Dad?
你觉得呢翻下一页
Why do you think? Turn the page.
我只看到了猫
I only see the cat!
这只猫咪好沮丧啊
The kitty's so dismay-ded,
但这儿有个棉花糖猫咪就...
but there's a marshmallow, and the kitty's like...
我病了
I'm sick.
那就朝着那边睡
So breathe that way.
我才不要睡在折叠床上
I'm not sleeping on the fold-out.
不我的意思是我病了迪迪
No, I mean I'm sick, Dee Dee.
我不知道自己怎么了
I don't know what's wrong with me.
我需要...
I need...
天哪十三岁起我就在想象
Oh, God, I've pictured having this conversation
这个对话的场景
since I was 13,
现在我却不知道要怎么开始
and now I don't know how to start it.
不过...
But...
曾经有段时间...
a word that's...
定义了我的一个词是...
defined me for a while has been...
困惑
confusion.
即使只说了十个词我已经感觉
Even ten words in, it already feels
很舒畅了... 我要敞开心扉...
so cathartic... to open up...
把我想说的话说出来宝贝
about what I'm trying to say, baby.
我最深处的... 那部分自我...
The deepest part... of myself...
我一直...
I've always...
说出一个幸福的离异家庭儿童
Name a happy child of divorce.
什么
What?
说出一个幸福的离异家庭儿童
Name one happy child of divorce.
我能把自己想说的话说完吗
Can I finish what I'm trying to say?
牙仙子得找到她的魔杖
The Tooth Fairy needs to find her wand.
你的牙去哪里了
Where do your teeth go?
早啊妈咪
Hi, Mom.
我是牙牙先生
I'm Mr. Chompers.
天啊我♥操♥
Jesus! Fuck!
我能吃掉梦好吃好吃
And I eat dreams. Nom! Nom!
好吃...
Nom...
我很抱歉
I'm sorry.
我甚至都不知道该怎么跟你说话了
I don't even know how to talk to you anymore,
但我想让你知道...
but I want you to know that...
我一直在脑海里跟你对话
I do it all the time in my head,
所以感觉像是我跟你说的话比实际更多
so it feels like I talk to you more than I do.
我一直在问自己我是不是努力过头了
I'm always asking myself if I'm trying too hard.
我是吗
Am I?
还是说还不够
Or not enough?
我曾经很擅长把自己
I used to be so good at putting myself
放在你和...
between you and...
任何试图伤害你的东西之间但是...
anything that tried to hurt you, but...
我没办法...
I couldn't...
我没办法把自己放在你和发生的事情之间
I couldn't put myself between you and what happened.
我... 我没办法阻止...
I... I couldn't stop...
你失去一切
you losing everything.
而且...
And...
我再也不知道要怎么保护你了
I don't know how to protect you anymore,
而且也许我也不应该保护你
and maybe I shouldn't.
也许我那样才能帮你
Maybe that's how I help.
你看过"机械战警"吗
Have you ever seen the movie Robocop?
可能吧
Maybe?
讲的是一个
It's about a police officer
殉职的警♥察♥
who dies in the line of duty.
他的同伴把他改造成了机器人
His buddies rebuild him like a robot
这样就能控制他
so they can control him,
但他变得... 更加暴♥力♥
but he just gets... way more violent.
等一下
Just a sec.
嗨
Hi.
我不知道你会来
I didn't know you were coming.
欢迎来到我的... 家外之家
Welcome to my... home away from home.
这儿怎么了
What happened here?
我... 摔坏了一盏台灯
Um... a lamp got broken.
你就睡在沙发床上吗
And you're sleeping on a futon?
是啊有时候睡床有时候睡沙发
Yeah, sometimes I want a bed. Sometimes I want a couch.
很简朴但足够了
It's Spartan, but it's everything I need.
威尔睡哪里
Where does Will sleep?
我有一个充气床垫
Oh, I have an inflatable mattress.
他觉得那像是水床只不过里面是空气
He thinks it's like a water bed, only with air.
你有钱去四季酒店住套房♥的杰夫
You could be in a suite at the Four Seasons, Jeff.
我在这儿很开心
I'm happy here.
你没看到我在这里有很多回忆
What you don't see are the memories.
我的第一间公♥寓♥...
My first apartment...
穿过校园走几步就到了
short stroll right across campus.
在我表达想法之前
Before I say what I'm going to say,
你得知道你儿子对你所做的事
you should know that your son was very touched
非常感动
by what you did.
出乎意料
I didn't expect that.
我们有个好孩子
We raised a good boy.
但我总是感到内疚
But the guilt that I felt
当我想买♥♥第六双鞋时...
for wanting a sixth pair of shoes...
谁不让你买♥♥鞋
Who said you couldn't have shoes?
或者为了好玩...
Or a car that's just fun...
-有很多鞋子 -和开得快而买♥♥车...
- It's a lot of shoes. - And fast to drive...
你想买♥♥车那就买♥♥一辆
You want another car? Get another car.
-或者因为讨厌一个... -买♥♥六辆车...
- Or for hating the man... - Get six cars...
一天一辆换着开
One for every day of the week.
开着快餐车撞死我家人的司机
Who drove a snack truck into our family,
而你竟然帮他付房♥租
and meanwhile, you are writing checks for his rent,
和水电费
his utility bills?
还付他的垃圾费
You're paying his garbage pickup?