开玩笑

Kidding S01E01

Part 3 June 1, 2020, 4:01 p.m.

而我... 我对此表示尊重
and, uh... I-I respect that.
她不是因为菲尔死了才离开你的
She did not leave you because Phil died.
她离开你是因为你是个孬种
She left you because you're a pussy.
能用好听字眼的时候别用难听的字眼好吗
Please don't use a bad word when you can use a good word.
好吧你是个娘炮
Fine. You're a vagina.
啊那个"P"
Ah, the P.
我突然明白P猎狗里"P"的意思了
I just got the P in P-Hound.
意思是阴♥道♥... 孬种
It means pussy... pussy.
我觉得你... 错把好心肠当成好欺负了威尔
I think you're... mistaking kindness for weakness, Will.
我要轴另一边了
I'm gonna go the other way now.
我要你把这些衣服都捐出去
I want you to donate those clothes
就像你说的那样
like you said you would.
我要你跟婶婶和祖母
And I want you to come to dinner
一起到我家来吃晚餐
with your auntie and your grandpa at my place.
我不想让你忘了你还有一个家
I don't want you to forget you have a family.
别跟我说教
Oh, and don't try to teach me things,
还有别再那么盯着我
and, like, don't ever stare at me like that again.
我不是你说的那样
I'm not that word.
我不是孬种
I'm not the P word.
换身衣服吧
And change your outfit.
你看上去像是罗莎·帕克斯的巴士司机
You look like Rosa Parks' bus driver.
罗莎·帕克斯: 公交让座事件当事黑人
行吧
Okay.
晚餐见
I'll see you at dinner.
威尔
Will!
那个历史事件引用得真巧妙
That was an excellent historical reference.
我想跟委员会
I'd like to point out
指出一点有时候...
to the committee that sometimes...
妈妈爸爸又上电视了
Mom, Dad's on TV again.
威尔那是爸爸的工作
Well, that's sort of his job, Will.
-蠢材 -闭嘴菲尔
- Idiot. - Shut up, Phil.
你来堵住我的嘴啊
Make me.
别这样菲尔
Stop it, Phil!
别这样
Stop it!
♪ 耶稣基♥督♥ ♪
♪ Jesus Christ ♪
♪ 汝为何者为何献身 ♪
♪ Who are you? What have you sacrificed? ♪
♪ 耶稣基♥督♥... ♪
♪ Jesus Christ... ♪
别这样我想看爸爸上新闻的样子
Stop it. I'm trying to watch Dad on the news.
你♥爸♥爸的确让人印象深刻
Well, your father is an impressive man.
她是说无聊啦
She means boring.
♪ 耶稣基♥督♥ ♪
♪ Jesus Christ ♪
-♪ 超级巨星 ♪ -嘿你够了
- ♪ Superstar ♪ - Hey, quit it.
菲尔不管你在做什么都赶紧住手
Phil, whatever you're doing, stop it, please.
走啊傻♥逼♥
Go, asshole!
嘿
Hey.
你坐在我哥的坟墓上呢
You're on my brother's grave.
哦是吗
Oh. Yikes.
你能上别处吞云吐雾吗
Can you smoke somewhere else?
我看行但是...
I guess, but...
伙计我从12岁起就在这混了
I've been geeking out here since I was 12, man.
这是一片特别神圣的土地
This is especially hallowed ground.
你能离墓碑远点吗
Can you move away from that headstone?
我现在哪也不去
I can't really move anywhere right now.
你用那个想干啥
What are you gonna do with that?
让他起死回生吗
Bring him back to life?
这是他的他生前想当魔术师
It was his. He wanted to be a magician.
-我们都想当魔术师 -为什么
- We both did. - Why?
拥有跟自己一模一样的双胞胎
There's a lot of cool things you can do
你能做很多很酷的事情
when you have an identical twin.
其实还挺好玩的
It's pretty neat, actually.
我能看看吗
Can I see that?
噗
Psh!
-噗 -你干嘛呢
- Psh! - What are you doing?
试试让灯爆♥炸♥ 不过...
Trying to make the lamps explode, but...
-我觉得它坏掉了 -好吧快给我滚蛋吧
- I think it's broken. - Okay, get the fuck off now.
伙计淡定点咱们好好相处怎么样
Dude, chill. Can't we all just get along?
就算是为了
For the sake of, like,
这个世界和世上更可怕的邪崇怎么样
the world and its greater evils?
你好啊皂垢
Well, hello there, Soap Scum.
小心点
Oh, be careful.
我不想你弄脏我崭新的可爱紫条纹
I don't want you to stain my sweet new purple threads.
紫色是女生用的颜色酸瓜先生
Purple's a girl's color, Mr. Pickles.
皂垢
Soap Scum.
紫色是...
Purple is the...
帝王色
color of kings.
但你又不是国王酸瓜先生
But you're not a king, Mr. Pickles.
我不是国王可我是老爸呀
No, but I'm a daddy,
老爸就是一家之主[国王]嘛
and a daddy is like the king of the household.
而妈妈就像皇后
And mommy is like the queen.
干嘛我刚踢完足球赛
What? I had a soccer game.
麦蒂怎么了
What's going on with Maddy?
她不肯吃西兰花
She wouldn't eat her broccoli,
于是我让她身上有了臭味
so I gave her BO [body odor].
早来的青春期把她折磨得不轻
Early puberty's kicking her A [ass].
你怎么做到让她身上有臭味的
How did you give her body odor?
让她不能保持基本的卫生
By starving her of basic hygiene.
你是在哪本书里读到的吗
Did you read that in a book somewhere?
绝对不是
Absolutely not.
威尔正在变得像菲尔一样
Will is turning into Phil.
该死的孩子们抱歉是要命的
Fucking kids. Sorry. Friggin'.
你觉得我是个孬种吗
You think I'm a pussy?
抱抱马闻起来像被狠狠地操了之后
Snagglehorse smells like he's been ridden hard
-还湿着就塞回裤子 -我们没有在里面
- and put away wet. - We're not having sex
-啪啪啪 -我们才钻进去
- in the horse. - We've only been in it
五分钟
for five minutes.
臭味是我女儿的
That's my daughter.
你刚刚闻到的是她
You're smelling her.
我不会问为什么的
I'm not going to ask.
我讨厌你
I hate you.
我需要让我的家人知道我了解他们的感受
I need to show my family I'm feeling what they're feeling.
对现实的承认
An acknowledgement.
我们口袋里装着石头在游泳
We're swimming with stones in our pockets.
我们需要把它们拿出来否则我们再也不能
We need to take them out, or we'll never get back
浮出水面了
to the surface again.
这一切都是因为吉尔吗
Is this all about Jill?
她在左胸上纹了菲尔的名字
She tattooed Phil's name on her left breast.
每个女人都有权利让自己很性感
Every woman deserves to feel sexy.
事故发生两个月后
Two months after the accident,
我抛下了和她
I left a conversation
关于我们是否应该庆祝圣诞节的谈话
about whether or not we should even celebrate Christmas
就为了上电视点亮国家圣诞树
to go on TV, light the national tree,
祝全美国圣诞快乐
and wish America yule tidings.
-这会让她有什么感觉 -她会觉得你是个男人
- How does that make her feel? - Like you're a man.
而且如果她为这事让你心怀愧疚那是她的问题
And if she's holding that over your head, it's her problem.
现实生活中的女人不想看到你哭泣的样子
Real women don't want to see your cry face.
她们想要坚实的臂膀和温暖的抚摸
They want concrete arms and a warm touch
在恰当的时候
when apropos.
如果你做一个关于死亡的节目
You do a show about death,
孩子们会哭着跑出房♥间的
children will run from the room in tears.
把现场观众带进来
Bring in a live audience.
现在就做
Do it now.
这是个坏主意你会给孩子们造成精神创伤的
It's a bad idea. You'll traumatize the kids.
你要打我吗
Are you gonna hit me?
打你
Hit you?
不
No.
我为什么会想打你
Why would I want to hit you?
杰夫...
Jeff...
有时候我们以为自己在解开心结
sometimes when we think we're opening up,
实际上我们在渐渐崩溃
we're actually falling apart.
请你仔细考虑一下好吗
Will you please marinate on that?
那辆卡车闯红灯是有原因的