开玩笑

Kidding S01E05

Part 3 June 1, 2020, 4:02 p.m.

"你永远不该给孩子吃的一种东西"
The One Thing You Should Never Feed a Child.
就是小麦
It's wheat.
还有雪莉·平斯克
And Shelly Pinsker
在运营一个大受欢迎的哥伦布区的妈咪博客
runs a popular Columbus-area mommy blog.
我第一次写对话不过我很兴...
I'm new to dialogue, but I'm exc...
我们还从来没有过写手
We've never had writers before.
我现在准备好免得哪天
I'm setting it up in case one day
你又想撂挑子了
you don't want to do this anymore.
我要让你安心地知道
I'm giving you the peace of mind
这一切都将继续下去不管怎样
to know all this will continue, regardless.
不管哪样
Regardless of what?
威尔的嗑药问题怎么样好点了吗
How is Will's drug problem? Better?
更严重了
Worse.
我很遗憾
I'm sorry to hear that.
你难道不希望能多花点时间跟他相处吗
Don't you wish you could spend more time with him?
你现在可以了
Well, now you can.
杰夫
Jeff?
干什么
What?
我们还需要你
We also need you
重录你的云朵歌♥
to reshoot your cloud song.
为什么
Why?
你没戴婚戒
Your wedding ring.
我很抱歉孩子
I'm sorry, kiddo.
我知道我们今天堆了很多事情
I know we're piling it on today.
我在想随着这个节目
I was thinking, with the show
经历了所有这些健康的剧变
going through all this healthy upheaval,
不妨介绍一下...
what harm could it do to introduce...
我
m-m-me?
不倒翁·波莉可怕的药丸虫
Roly Polly, the fearful pill bug.
我爱你亲爱的
I love you, honey.
但你不是个好的表演者
You're not a performer.
再见
Bye-bye.
我想给一只布偶配音
I want to voice a puppet.
你说过杰夫离开节目之后
You said when Jeff leaves the show,
我会变成运作团队的心脏
I become the heart of the operation.
不不你不是任何东西的心脏
No, no. You're not the heart of anything.
你会变成大脑不是心脏
You become the brains, not the heart.
我为什么不能做心脏
Why can't I be the heart?
噢是的我现在明白了
Oh, yes, now I see.
我们又回到了从前的客厅他七岁你八岁
We're back in our living room. He's seven, you're eight.
他在用完美的音调大声唱着芭芭拉·史翠珊
He's belting Streisand in perfect pitch,
而你在厨房♥里
and you're in the kitchen
一不小心弄掉了平底锅
accidentally dropping frying pans.
你很擅长建造死物迪迪
You're good at building corpses, Dee Dee.
但你不是那么擅长赋予东西生命力
You're not so great at bringing things to life.
那是杰夫的领域
That is Jeff's territory.
-这才不是真的 -是的
- That is not true! - Oh, yes.
这是真的当你还是小女孩的时候让芭比娃娃
It was true when you were a girl and you had Barbie
在空荡荡的房♥间里读艾米莉·狄金森的书
read Emily Dickinson to an empty room,
这也是真的当你长大了
and it was true when you got older,
去做试管婴儿
what with the in vitro.
我不是在这编造主题我是在揭示
I'm not inventing a theme here. I'm exposing one.
你擅长无声的艺术比如传达鄙夷
You're good at the quiet arts, like conveying disdain.
看到了吧
See?
求你了我能不能操纵药丸虫
Please, can I puppet the pill bug?
我需要这个
I need it.
我需要这个我需要给自己一些东西
I need it. I need something for myself.
我的婚姻正在破裂
My marriage is falling apart.
你只是那么觉得因为你们不喜欢对方
It just feels that way because you dislike each other.
我觉得斯科特可能是同性恋
I think Scott might be gay.
噢不他不是的相信我
Oh, no, he's not. Trust me.
我参加过海军你没事的迪迪
I'm a Navy man. You're fine, Dee Dee.
杰夫是在崩溃但你做得很好
Jeff's breaking down, but you're doing great.
好吗
Okay?
好吧
Okay.
我叫不倒翁·波莉
My name is Roly Polly.
米奇·弗耶斯坦
Mickey Foyerstein.
谁
Who?
那个被卖♥♥冰淇淋的男人绑♥架♥的小孩
Oh, t-this kid who got kidnapped by an ice cream man.
一开始我听说他可以免费吃所有的冰淇淋
At first, I heard he got to eat any ice cream bar for free,
所以我很嫉妒
so I was jealous.
然后我听说他被猥亵了
Then I heard he got molested,
我就觉得 "真糟糕"
and I was like, "Ah, sucks."
你认识他吗
Did you know him?
不但我一直在试图想起他的名字
Nah, but I've been trying to think of his name
自从我发现了那个老男人一直在
ever since I learned that that old dude's
鬼鬼祟祟地开车跟踪我们
been creeping on us in his creep coupe.
孩子
You, kid.
上车
Get in the car.
好吧
Okay.
别这么做哥们想想米奇
Don't do it, man! Think of Mickey.
不然他就白白失去他的清白了
Or else he would have lost his innocence for nothing!
-好了看着我的眼睛 -有人吗救命啊
- Okay, look me in the eye. - Hello! Help!
你的大♥麻♥在哪里
Where's the weed?
-我没有 -来人啊救命啊
- I, uh, don't have any. - Somebody! Help!
你没有吗
You don't have any?
那我们究竟要抽什么
What the hell are we gonna smoke?
他会摸你的小鸡鸡的
He's gonna touch your genitals!
听我的话啊
Listen!
我很高兴你今晚能和我在一起
I'm so glad you're here with me tonight.
我真的很想你
I really missed you.
我之前看到我妈和彼得在看这个
I saw my mom and Peter watching this earlier.
给我
Here.
发生了一些事情
There was some stuff going on.
我讨厌这个
I hate this.
你要我关掉吗
Do you want me to turn it off?
不
No.
我只是想给你做意面
I just want to cook you some pasta,
然后在盘子上卷起面条
then twirl it around on the plate.
哇这玩意真是给力对吧
Boy, this is some dank ganj, huh?
什么
What?
你喜欢吗
You like it?
-是啊 -不错
- Yeah. - Good.
因为这是你最后一次
'Cause that's the last time
吸大♥麻♥了孩子
you're ever gonna smoke weed, kid.
你伤透了你♥爸♥爸的心
You are breaking your father's heart
因为这鬼东西你明白吗
with this shit, you understand me?
你伤透了他的心
You're breaking his heart.
学校后面呢
What about behind the school?
不行伙计
Nah, man.
那完全是不能去的地方
That's a total no-go.
奇葩艾德正在树林里练习射箭
Special Ed is practicing archery in the woods.
想去嗑药吗
Want to come get blazed?
我们还不知道要去哪里
We don't know where yet.
射箭的日子是吧
Archery day, huh?
是的整个星期
Yeah, all week.
树林里不安全
The woods are not safe.
不伙计我实际上你知道吗
No, man, I'm actually, you know,
我在试着吃得更健康少抽大♥麻♥
trying to eat healthier, smoke less.
嗯我也是
Oh. Same.
随便了你们这些拉拉
Whatever, lesbians.
给你
There you go.
鞋子很酷
Ah, dope kicks.
我喜欢穿着它们的感觉
I like the way I feel in them.
它们是酷鞋子
They're dope kicks.
当我想要发泄一下...
When I want to let it out...
有时我会去游泳
sometimes I go swimming,
看我能憋多久的气
see how long I can hold my breath.
有一次我晕过去了
One time, I blacked out.
还好那里有个值班的救生员
Good thing there was a lifeguard on duty.