糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories S06E03
Part 2
Jan. 2, 2021, 2:46 p.m.
资助这个项目
正在呼叫教皇
威廉 有什么能为你效劳
William, to what do I owe the pleasure?
教皇陛下 请原谅我的打扰
Ah, your holiness, please forgive me disturbing you,
但这件事非常重要
but it is super-important
你要在"众筹王"上支持我的新项目
that you back my new project on KingStarter.
这次你要进攻谁
Who are you attacking this time?
我必须要立刻攻打英格兰
Oh, I must invade England immediately,
并且要把哈罗德·戈德温森拖下马
and defeat Harold Godwinson.
好吧 我现在就用"教皇宝"给你转账
OK, I'll do it right now, via PapalPal.
谢谢 教皇陛下 谢谢您
Merci, your holiness, thank you.
筹集资金让威廉成为英格兰国王
发起人 诺曼公爵威廉
募集金额 一万金币
项目进程 百分之百
好 太好了
Yes, yes!
好了 我们黎明就启程
OK, we sail at dawn.
史上最疯狂蠢材
快报♥警♥ 这里全都乱套了
Call the police, there's a badger up my nanas!
事情是这样的
So check it.
很多时候 历史是由那些
A lot of time, history is written down by the people
杀害了自己敌人的人重新撰写的
who have killed all the other people
而敌人之前已经写过一份
who might have written it down.
所以不奇怪
So it's no surprise that
他们总把自己描绘得非常积极正面
they tend to come out looking pretty good.
讲真的 人无完人
Let me tell you, yeah? No fool is perfect!
征服者威廉
William the Conqueror-or.
他来到英格兰准备痛击撒克逊人
He's just arrived in England ready to kick some Saxon butt.
本想来个惊艳的亮相
He wants to make a fierce first impression, yeah?
可惜他像个超级大蠢货一样摔倒了
Shame he fell over like a massive clumsy fool!
还不如叫他 威廉小丑
William the Clown, more like!
看我轻轻松松就拿下了哈罗德的领地
See how easily I grab Harold's lands?
真丢人现眼 阿威 原计划不是这样啊
Pull the other one, Willie! You didn't mean to do that!
哈哈
Ha-ha!
白♥痴♥
Idiot!
注意后面那玩意
Mind this thing here.
几乎没有人记得那场小事故了
Hardly anyone remembers that little stumble...
除了我
but I do!
疯狂蠢材以为他们可以隐藏历史
Crazy fools think they can hide in history,
但他们最好清醒点并向我道歉
but they better wake up and apologise!
我过目不忘 我就像一个"勿忘象"
I never forget - I'm like an "Ephelant".
引自英文谚语 大象永远不会忘记
后续下回分解 大家都离蠢货们远点啊
Until next time, stay away from stupid, yo!
史上最疯狂蠢材
对 只洗澡 配点浴油和浴盐
Yeah, just a bath. With some oils and some salt.
麻烦你了
If you please.
你好 我是杰夫·里森
Hello, I'm Jeff Reason,
欢迎收看《今日战役》
and welcome to Battles of the Day,
这里是1066年
live from 1066
为您直播英国历史上最著名的战役之一
with one of the most famous fights in British history.
这场规模宏大 伤亡惨重
It's big, it's brutal,
血流成河的战役 让我们拭目以待
it's bloody, and boy, are we looking forward to it.
这就是撒克逊人对战诺曼人
It's the Saxons versus the Normans
黑斯廷斯战役
at the Battle of Hastings.
今日战役
撒克逊人对战诺曼人
充满血腥味的战术分♥析♥
Combining tactical analysis with a mix of murder and mayhem,
《今日战役》史实
1066年忏悔者爱德华辞世 哈罗德继位成为国王
这是杰米·卡斯尔
it's Jamie Castle.
所以杰米 1066年 如果威廉这时打败了哈罗德
So Jamie, 1066. If William defeats Harold today,
1066年 威廉登陆英格兰南部海岸
宣战哈罗德 并占领黑斯廷斯
我们就会有个新王
we'll have a new king.
一年三个王
That's three in one year
他们到底要怎么解决这件事
How on earth will they sort all this out?
-他们会自相残杀 杰夫 -竭尽全力
- They'll kill each other, Jeff. - Exhausting stuff,
至死方休
and there's no let-up
因为哈罗德要面临他最大的挑战
because Harold is about to face his biggest test -
这个男人 威廉 诺曼底的公爵
this man, William, Duke of Normandy.
那时 布莱恩 我只是尽力
Well, at the day, Brian, I'm just trying to get
《今日战役》史实
1066年哈拉尔·哈德拉达和托斯蒂格叛离哈罗德王
他北上在约克郡斯坦福桥将他们击败
争取我被承诺过的东西 我尽量通情达理
what has been promised to me. I'm trying to be reasonable.
你这三天来不停地
You've been looting, burning and killing
烧杀抢掠
everything in sight for three days.
好吧 那不是很通情达理
OK, well, that's not VERY reasonable,
1066年哈罗德在庆贺胜利时得知威廉入侵 率军南下
但是你看 教皇给了我许可状
but look, the Pope has given me his seal of approval,
所以我是在争取自己的合法权益
so I'm just fighting for what is legally mine.
但是两支军队势均力敌
But with the two armies so evenly matched,
任何一方被单方面屠戮的可能性
the chances of either side getting massacred
都在不断变小
are getting slimmer and slimmer.
-答案是什么 杰米 -撤退 杰夫
- What's the answer, Jamie? - Retreat, Jeff.
威廉和哈罗德的军队十月十四号♥在黑斯廷斯战场上相遇
战争持续了一整天
听起来很疯狂 我知道 但是看这里
Sounds mad, I know, but look at this.
诺曼军队佯败 诱使撒克逊军队
The Normans pretend to run away and the trick draws the Saxons
离开高地 完全瓦解了他们的防御
off the higher ground, completely breaking up their defence,
使他们对威廉的反击毫无防备
leaving them open to counterattack from William.
-谁被杀死了 -我的天
- Who's been killed? - Oh, my word!
我们可以确认诺曼底王朝的威廉公爵死了
We can confirm that Duke William of Normandy is dead!
克里斯 冷静点
Chris Stay calmer.
他没有死 杰夫 但是有人说他死了
He's not dead, Jeff, but someone said he was,
诺曼军队现在真的在败退了
and the Normans are retreating for real now.
这太疯狂了
It's madness -
他们要跑到哪去 杰夫 法国吗
where are they going to run to, Jeff? France?!
停 等等
Stop! Wait!
我还活着 有上帝保佑 我会胜利的
Look! I am alive. And with God's help, I will conquer.
回来 回来
Come back! Come back!
如果军队不回来上帝相助也没用了 杰米
He'll need more than God's help if they don't come back, Jamie.
但是诺曼军队确实回来了 杰夫
But the Normans have turned back, Jeff.
威廉肯定说服了他们
William must've talked them round.
在撒克逊军队四处分散的情况下
And with the Saxons spread out all over the place,
诺曼骑兵现在真的可以杀进其中
the Norman cavalry can really get amongst them now
轻易击败他们
and cut them down with ease.
最后还是变成了单方面的屠♥杀♥ 杰夫
It's turned into a massacre after all, Jeff.
1066年 威廉军队胜利 哈罗德被杀
特别是哈罗德·戈德温森
Especially for Harold Godwinson,
被诺曼骑士包围
who was surrounded by Norman knights
剁成肉碎
and hacked to pieces,
绝不可能眼插箭矢
and definitely not shot in the eye with an arrow.
1066年12月25日威廉成为英格兰国王
祝大家圣诞节快乐[除非你是撒克逊人]
-诺曼人在客场取胜 杰夫 -说得没错
- It's an away win for the Normans, Jeff. - Wise words.
今日战役
斩斩斩斩 砍砍砍
Chop chop chop chop, hack hack hack.
威廉赢得了著名的黑斯廷斯战役
So it was victory for William at the famous Battle of Hastings,
获得了最为人所知的称号♥ 征服者威廉
earning him the name he's best known by, William the Conqueror.
是时候以诺曼风格来讲述
Time to work it Norman style.
Parody of Gangnam Style by Psy
*诺曼人从法国来*
*We Normans are from France*
*但那不是我们的祖籍*
*It's not where we originated*
*我们口音有点怪*
*Our accents are weird*
*但我们其实很好懂*
*But we're not sophisticated*
*维京人的后裔我们强壮又吓人*
*Tough and terrifying we've descended from ze Vikings*
*我们天生好战有什么问题吗*
*So is it any wonder we've a natural flair for fighting?*
*诺曼人在此*
*Normans over here*
*英格兰人无法忍♥受我们*
*And you English can't abide us*
*诺曼人在此*
*Normans over here*
*真有趣 想与我们抗衡*
*Oh, that's cute, you tried to fight us*
*诺曼人在此*
*Normans over here*
*我们在北方燃起熊熊大火*
*We set the north on fire*
*诺曼人在此*
*Normans over here*
*撒克逊人再见*
*The Saxon life, au revoir*
*我们修建城♥堡♥ 热爱马匹*
*We build castles, we love horses*
*我们的骑兵 所有敌兵都害怕*
*Our cavalry all armies fear*
*我们英勇善战*
*We're great fighters*
*来雇佣我们*
*You can hire us*
*不喜欢我们 我们不在乎*
*But you won't like us and we don't care*
*链甲下面 发型奇特*
*We've got bad haircuts off the chainmail that we wear...*
*这就是诺曼风格*
*Zis is Norman style.*
糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories
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