难处之人（2015）

Difficult People S01E02

Part 1 May 24, 2021, 9:07 a.m.

So we're in LA and we're in an elevator.
我们当时在洛杉矶在一部电梯里
In one of those condos that people
在一栋试播季时
rent out for pilot season.
会出租的那种公♥寓♥楼里
Yeah, the ones where the bathrooms
是的那种公♥寓♥楼的浴室的装♥修♥
are basically coated
都是简单地抹一层水泥
so it's easier to wash off suicide blood.
所以把自杀留下的血迹洗掉也很容易
And all of a sudden we hear,
突然我们听到有人喊
"Hold the door!"
"别关门!"
and into the elevator runs these
然后就看到三只
three rats in Swarovski crystal collars.
戴着施华洛世奇水晶项圈的老鼠冲进了电梯
Chihuahuas. And then,
是吉娃娃紧接着
as if summoned by some higher power,
好像是有什么更大的力量在召唤一样
the dark silhouette of their owner
它们主人黑暗的轮廓
enters the frame.
也进入了电梯里
And it's Katharine McPhee.
原来是凯瑟琳·麦克菲
From "Smash."
她演过《名声大噪》
"American Idol"?
"美国偶像”的亚军?
Hour two of us stuck in an elevator...
我们俩被困在电梯里...
...with Katharine McPhee. Yes.
和凯瑟琳·麦克菲一起待了一小时… 没错儿
We've eaten all of Katharine McPhee's food.
我们把凯瑟琳·麦克菲的食物都吃光了
The end. Thank you.
表演到此结束谢谢你们
Okay, great, thanks, guys.
特别精彩谢谢你们
Right on, right on, good stuff.
好了好了猛料要来啦
Guys, the next story teller
亲们接下来登台为我们讲故事的
coming to the stage is a favorite
是虫虫脱口秀里的
here at The Caterpillar.
大红人
Welcome Andrea Mumford!
让我们欢迎安德里亚·芒福德!
Thank you.
谢谢
When my uncle molested me
当我叔叔第一次
the first time,
猥亵我的时候
I thought he was joking.
我还以为他在开玩笑
Most people bring flowers
大部分人参加母亲的葬礼
to their mother's funeral,
都会带上鲜花
I brought a lifetime of bad choices.
而我带的是我一生的错误选择
She got applause before she even started.
她还没开口就已经俘获人心了
We were up there for 17 minutes and nothing.
咱俩站了17分钟却连个掌声都没有
Maybe we should rethink this whole
也许咱们应该重新想想
story telling thing.
到底该怎么讲故事
No, we're gonna crack it.
不我们应该搞点儿大的
Julie, we've tried three stories here
朱莉我们在这儿都说了三个故事了
and every time, nothing.
每次都鸦雀无声
It's like my dick with women.
就像我对女人硬不起来一样
At this point I'd be okay
这么一说那就算他们对咱倒喝彩
if they even booed us.
我也能欣然接受了
Yeah, like my dick with women.
是啊就像我对女人硬不起来一样
Shh. Ohh, excuse me!
嘘对不起咯!
The show's over there!
脱口秀在那边儿!
The show's in the other direction.
又不在这边儿!
Who have you been stuck in the elevator with?
你和谁一起困在电梯里过吗?
Nobody!
没人!
And that is when I learned
就是那个时候起
to accept my HIV
我渐渐接受了自己是HIV病毒携带者
and my AIDS.
是艾滋病人
Thank you.
谢谢大家
I mean, she's-- she's fine.
我是说她...她讲得还不错
She knows what she's doing.
她知道自己在干什么
Where's Billy?
比利呢?
Hello, Mom.
嗨老妈
And Mom's breasts.
以及老妈的胸器
This is why I wanted Billy.
这就是为什么我想让比利来做客
Gay men understand the value
男同才能真正欣赏
of a makeover.
梳妆打扮的价值
That very well may be,
你这一身也许真的蛮不错的
but he's at an audition right now.
不过他现在正试镜呢
Must be nice.
必须很不错啊
Well, how are you gonna carry
你打算怎么把这边的东西
all this stuff out?
都搬走?
Well, I guess I could call Arthur,
我可以打电♥话♥给亚瑟吧
but he has arms like Lincoln Logs.
不过他那小胳膊瘦的跟林肯积木一样
And of course your father,
当然你还可以找你老爸
he's at a convention in Houston.
他正在休斯敦开会呢
I swear he plans his trips
我敢打包票他去出差
just to avoid my crises.
就是为了躲避我的危险期
Can I carry this off?
我能把这个拿走吗?
Mom, what's going on?
老妈你怎么了?
I wasn't asked to speak
今年的心理大会
at the psych convention this year.
没邀请我发言
They said this year they're looking
他们说今年
for fresh voices.
想找几个新声音
Oh, I'm sorry, Mom.
节哀啊老妈
Fuck them.
操他们娘的吧
Don't be crude.
不要爆粗口
But thank you.
不过还是谢谢你
And yes, fuck them!
还有没错儿操他们娘的吧!
I just feel I need to do something
我就是觉得得做点什么
to make myself seem younger.
把自己捯饬得更年轻一点
And I refuse to look like
当然也不要像
those "Real Housewives"
"比弗利娇妻"一样
with all that crazy plastic surgery.
整形整上了瘾
Oh, why can't women age gracefully,
为什么女人不能优雅地老去
like Jane Fonda or Jessica Lange?
像简·方达和杰西卡·兰格一样?（两位都是美国女影星）
I hate to break it to you, Mom,
我不是想打击你老妈
but those women have probably had
十之八♥九♥ 她们做的整形手术
as much surgery as the Real Housewives,
不比比弗利娇妻们少
it's just better work.
只不过手术更成功罢了
Well, still,
好吧不过
I'm not gonna cut my face up
我还是不会为了取悦大众
just for the approval of society.
就在自己脸上动刀子
Look at you, all feminist.
你看你呀真是个彻头彻尾的女权主义者
Now, those Housewives skanks,
那些娇妻婊♥子♥们
they deserve to look crazy.
活该看起来一团糟
It's their punishment for being
她们这么淫♥荡♥饥渴
such needy whores.
老得快就是惩罚
And there's the mom I have.
这才是我妈嘛
All right, carry as much as you can.
好了你能拿多少拿多少吧
I gotta clean this place up
趁七点的钟点工还没来
before my seven o'clock.
我要来个大扫除
She's a compulsive spender,
她可是个购物狂
I don't want this to be a trigger.
我可不想因为这事儿成了导火索
Oh hey, are those my high school journals?
哇这些是我高中的日记吗？
I don't know, they were
不知道啊
holding up my shoe caddy.
我拿来垫鞋盒的
Oh, Brian Walsh.
布莱恩·沃尔什诶
You mean that alcoholic
你说的是老鹰乐队里
from the Eagles?
那个酒鬼沃尔什吗（那位叫Joe Walsh）?
It's this kid I was in love with
是我高中时代的男神啦
in high school and he ignored me
以前他鸟都不鸟我
and that made me more obsessed with him.
还让我迷他迷的不行不行的
God, I guess even back then
靠就算是那时候
I was chasing approval from someone
我也是在追逐一些
I'd never get it from.
我永远都得不到的赞赏啊
I have been blessed with a figure
老娘身材就是好啊
that can wear anything.
穿啥都好看
Okay, so, Billy?
你叫比利?
Yes, Epstein.
是姓爱泼斯坦
I know, a Jew in comedy.
我知道一个演喜剧的犹太人嘛
How will I ever defy the odds
我怎么能在克服困难的同时
and make it?
又制♥造♥困难了?
That's hilarious.
你可真逗
So, we're remaking "Vice Versa."
我们打算重拍《小爸爸大儿子》