难处之人（2015）

Difficult People S01E05

Part 4 May 24, 2021, 9:07 a.m.

He made me see them once.
他给我看过一次
You saw the Capitol Steps live?
你还看过《国会的台阶》的现场?
I had a UTI the whole time.
我当时还尿路感染了
And I don't know which was more irritating.
都不知道哪个更让人气恼
By the way, can we just take a moment right now
对了我们能不能抽出这一会儿
and acknowledge that this is a big deal?
承认这确实是件大事儿?
Okay? Seriously. I know.
行吗？严肃且正式的我知道
We both dreamed about being on SNL,
从我们还是孩子是共事的演员的时候
since we were kids, as cast members.
我们就都梦想着上周六夜现场
I know, it's crazy.
我知道特不可思议
I dreamed about being guest host also
我还梦想着做嘉宾主持
and a writer and a musical guest.
当作家当音乐嘉宾
I think my mom had a point
我觉得我妈妈说我没有定性
when she talked about my lack of focus.
说的很对
What if I blow it? That's not what you do.
那我这事儿要是吹了呢? 你不会的
I hate to interrupt you, Hydrox,
我本不想打断你小爆破筒
but I wrote to my editor friend at Gobbler
不过我刚刚给我在《雄火鸡》的编辑朋友写了封邮件
and he loves The Children's Menu restaurant idea.
他也很赞赏儿童菜单餐馆这个想法
That's amazing.
太棒了
Chubby, what do you have to say about that?
小胖子你怎么想？
Mazel tov, Julie.
恭喜你朱莉（希伯来语）
I think The Children's Menu is gonna work.
我觉得儿童菜单是行得通的
I'm so excited and Arthur emailed
我特别兴奋亚瑟给他关注的所有
all of his boring food blogs.
无聊的食物博主都发了邮件
Can you imagine if we became
你能想象
successful restaurateurs
我们以牺牲喜剧生涯为代价
at the expense of our comedy careers?
变成了成功的餐馆老板吗？
It happened to Lisa Vanderpump.
莉萨·温达普也是这样的
Oh my God, I used to love her stand-up.
天哪我以前特别爱看她的单口相声来着
So, wait, are you doing that "Steel Magnolias" Bit
等下你要在周六夜现场的试镜上
for your SNL audition?
表演《铁木兰》这老一套吗？
No, I went shopping for a M'Lynn wig
不我去买♥♥梅林假发的时候
and I thought to myself,
对自己说
"You're shopping for a M'Lynn wig.
你居然在买♥♥梅林假发
This is not who you are."
这不是你会干的事儿
So, you're just gonna do your stand-up?
所以你还是要表演单口相声咯?
I think that's great.
我觉得很好啊
I'm so nervous. Don't be nervous.
我特紧张有什么好紧张的
Here, I'll distract you with my foray
这样吧我用我向YouTube超级网红的进军之路
into YouTube superstardom.
给你分散下注意力
Could you imagine if Andy Warhol
你能想象安迪·沃霍尔
had been around for YouTube?
在YouTube频繁露脸是什么情景吗?
He would have posted so many irritating things.
他肯定会放出很多惹人生气的东西
Yeah, his Instagram alone
对啊他的Instagram
would have been insufferable.
就已经够让人不能忍♥受的了
Okay, so I did "Drunk Science"
所以我做了模仿《醉酒史》的
like "Drunk History,"
《醉酒科学》
but I realized halfway through
但是做到一半我就发现
that I don't know any other comedians
和你在一起的时候
that I don't hate besides you,
就没有一个喜剧演员是我不讨厌的
so I used my dogs.
所以我用了我的狗
Oh, the internet loves dogs.
网民们都喜欢狗
Yeah, you'd think so,
你也这么觉得吧
then why do I only have 8 views?
那为什么我只有8个点击量呢?
Watch.
你看
Drunk fucking Science
糖豆参议员的
with Senator Jelly Beans
醉他妈酒科学实验开课了
and Greg, the dogs.
我的助手是格雷格我的狗
Oh my God, I'm so drunk.
天哪我喝太多了
We are friends.
我们是朋友
The three of us are friends.
我们仨是朋友
You just won the Nobel Prize.
你刚刚获得了诺贝尔奖
I was robbed.
我被抢劫了
Oh, Babybel cheese.
芭比贝尔的芝士
I was gonna ask you to take me
我得请你带我去厕所了
to the bathroom, but I just wanna lie...
可是我只想躺在...
... on this tile. I love it.
这片瓷砖上我很喜欢啊
If this doesn't get a billion views,
要是这么视频没有个十亿点击量
I don't wanna live on this planet.
我都不想再在这个地球上生活下去了
Oh, thank you, and if SNL doesn't hire you,
谢谢要是周六夜现场没有录用你
then I won't watch the show anymore.
我以后就再也不看了
Well, threatening to not watch SNL
威胁说不看周六夜现场
is the equivalent of a 7-year-old
就像是一个7岁小孩儿
telling his parents he's gonna run away.
威胁父母要离家出走一样
Where you gonna go?
你能去哪儿呢?
Still.
还是得看
Billy, look. It's a line.
比利你看外边在派对诶
Why can't people show up like this
为啥我们做现场表演的时候
when we do one of our live shows?
就没有这样络绎不绝的人呢?
You know what the best part
你知道去死
about being dead has gotta be?
最好的部分是什么吗？
Never having to promote another live show again.
再也不用推销新一场的现场表演
Oh, that reminds me.
这提醒了我
We have to kill ourselves.
我们得杀了自己
Yes.
没错儿
The Children's Menu
儿童菜单
got some nice reviews online.
在网上的评价还不错
Oh yeah? Yeah.
真的咩? 真的
If only I could get that kind of press
要是我的表演事业
for the show biz stuff I do.
也能有这么多的曝光量就好了
Hello? Hi, I'm in a little bit
怎么了? 我这儿
of a situation here.
出了点儿状况
What's going on? What's that noise?
怎么啦？为什么这么吵啊?
I gave Matthew the week off
我给马修放了一周假
and because we got some press,
而且我们在网上又有点儿曝光量
actual children have been showing up, a lot.
就真的有小孩子来我们这儿了很多个
What? I know.
什么? 我就知道
I guess if you put "Children" In the name
只要你的餐馆名字里有“儿童”
of your restaurant and you serve hot dogs,
并且还售卖♥♥热狗
parents will bring their kids to it
父母就会带着孩子过来
like it's that goddamn field
就他妈的像凯文·科斯特纳的
in that Kevin Costner movie.
电影里演的一样
"Tin Cup"? Oh, there's no time for jokes.
《球爱的天空》吗? 没时间开玩笑了
You have your SNL showcase.
你还得去周六夜现场呢
I'll be right over.
我马上就过去
Tough crowd. Did they laugh?
评委都好犀利他们有笑吗?
No. Way over their heads. I know, but that's
没有就一直在弄头发我懂
what they do, they don't laugh.
他们就是这样从来不笑
I've heard that they never laugh.
我就没听见他们笑过
Okay, well, now I know how Susan Lucci
现在我算是知道苏姗·露西
must have felt when she took over
在接盘伯纳德塔·彼特斯出演《飞燕金枪》后（百老汇早期音乐剧）
for Bernadette Peters in "Annie Get Your Gun."
是什么感觉了
God, I should have said that on stage.
天那刚刚在台上我就该这么说的
No, you shouldn't have.
这也不该说
I didn't expect Lorne Michaels to be here.
我没想到洛恩·迈克尔斯也在场
What? No, Matthew.
什么？不行马修
Are you serious?
你认真的吗？
Matthew.
马修
Matthew!
马修!
Does Lorne come to this?
洛恩也来吗?
Please welcome to the stage
下面让我们欢迎
Billy Epstein.
比利·爱泼斯坦
Hey guys. Uh, I'm Billy Epstein.
大家好我是比利·爱泼斯坦
Oh, uh, we're still waiting on apple juice.
我们的苹果汁还没上喔
Madam, this is my own personal hell.
女士这他妈简直就是我的人间地狱
How can this place not have any sippy cups?
怎么你们这儿连吸管杯都没有呢?
Because you don't have
因为这家
a children's menu restaurant
儿童菜单餐馆
for children!
就不是为儿童开的!
You have it for me.
是为了我开的