驯鹿宝贝（2024）

Mate! I don't think you should be reading your jokes from your notepad, should you?
显然这是他表演的一部分 所谓的"反笑话"
It's part of the act, apparently. It's "anti-comedy," it's called.
- 一点也不好笑 - 可不是嘛
- Well, it's certainly that. - Yeah. That's so true.
我跟你说 老兄
I tell you what, mate.
你再用谷歌♥搜索些别的吧
Why don't you Google something else?
"连环跟踪狂 精神虐待律师的听障小孩"
"Serial stalker torments barrister's deaf child."
什么玩意 老兄?
What's that?
"连环跟踪狂精神虐待
"Serial stalker torments
律师的听障小孩"
barrister's deaf child."
你毁了我的好心情
You've ruined it!
你这该死的...
You fucking...
Oh fuck.
见鬼
全被你毁了 全毁了
You've ruined it! You fucking ruined it!
- 嘿 冷静 - 你胡说
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on! - Your mouth!
你这张臭嘴
Your fucking mouth!
我警告过你 它会给你惹麻烦的 不是吗?
I warned you it'd get you in trouble, didn't I?
我警告过你
I warned you!
天哪 她怎么忽然发疯了?
Jesus! What the fuck was that about?
我给过她一杯茶
I gave her a cup of tea.
我只是给了她一杯茶而已
I gave her a cup of tea.
写完介封邮件 我再也不想艮你扯上关系
你切底惹毛我了
你介个蠢货丑八怪 干着幼稚的行当
被垃及父母养大 从垃及学校毕业的烂人
我已经对你嘴下刘情了 我从不轻易恨人
但你这次实在太出格子了
或者太出格 反正有那么个说法
你怎么不般回法夫去?
那里全是象你们一家介样的 懒汉、民族主义者、恋童癖和罪犯
干吗来这里? 我们本来很开心 滚远点
我认识的那些大人勿 都很看不惯你
从我的ihpone发送
对了 偶爱你 这点从未改变
从我的iPhone发送
事情是这样的 老弟
That's the thing, son.
你如果报♥警♥ 酒吧老板会不高兴
If you call the police, the landlord is not gonna like that.
很不高兴
Not at all.
按道理 酒吧里应该一直有管♥理♥员♥盯着
We're supposed to have a manager on at all times.
而我们中途离开的事 不能被上头发现
The fact we just left you there, it's not good, man.
绝对不能
Not good.
也不能被上头发现我们把摄像头转开
They find out we turn the cameras towards the walls
让客人在营业时间结束后继续喝酒
because of the lock-ins,
否则我们可能会因为失职而被炒鱿鱼
and that could be our jobs because that's negligence.
那是失职啊 唐尼
That's negligence, Donny.
要不这么着吧 我们回头去看你的表演 请你喝酒?
Hey, look. How about we come to your gig later and buy you a drink?
咱们好好喝一个
A nice big drink.
我们保证绝不会让她
We'll make sure
再踏进这地方的方圆一公里之内
she doesn't come within a fucking mile of this place ever again.
好吧
Fine.
好
Fine.
你没事吧 兄弟?
You okay, bro?
- 嘿 你确定没问题吗? - 确定 我没事
- Hey, are you sure you're okay doing this? - Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine.
是吗?
Yeah?
那下一个就到你了 伙计
Well, you're up next, dude.
女士们先生们 准备好观看 本轮比赛的压轴好戏了吗?
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act of this section?
请保持这样的热情 欢迎唐尼·邓恩登场
Keep that noise going for Donny Dunn!
嘿 好的 谢谢大家 好 好了
Hey! All right! Thank you. Yes! All right.
我们开始吧
All right, here we go.
女士们先生们 我先把这话筒架拿开
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna get this out the way up top.
你们也许看出来了 我的脸上有点淤青和伤痕
You can probably tell my face is a little bruised and battered,
所以我要给大家一个忠告
so here's a piece of advice.
别在车上给人吹♥箫♥
Never give the blow job
尤其当你是开车的那一个
if you are the one driving.
好吧 那好
All right, good, good.
只是开场的一个温馨提示
Just a little reminder up top.
本场演出的赞助商是...
This set is brought to you by...
老爹避孕套 优质避孕套
Poppa Condoms. Proper condoms.
套上优质避孕套
Pop a proper condom on.
非常感谢他们赞助这个节目
Thank you very much to them for sponsoring this routine.
好的 笑话时间到
Okay, let's do some jokes.
每次去海滩度假 我都不想戴墨镜
Whenever I go on holiday, uh, I never wanna wear sunglasses on the beach
怕有人会以为我在偷♥窥♥他们
in case people think I'm perving on them.
所以 为了打消这种疑虑
So to negate this worry,
我喜欢把眼睛放大
I actually like to widen my eyes.
诸位也有同感吧 这样我看起来就没那么变♥态♥了
I think you'll agree, it makes me look less creepy.
好吧 好的 那...
All right. Okay. So...
♪ 这是一只小茶壶 矮矮胖胖 ♪
♪ Here's a little teapot Short and stout ♪
♪ 这是它的把手 ♪
♪ Here is its handle ♪
♪ 这是它的脚 ♪
♪ Here is its gout ♪
不好笑?
No?
好吧 行
All right. Yeah.
不合你们胃口 这笑话 好吧
Not for you, then, that one. Fine.
老爹安全套
Poppa Condoms.
适合爱吃汉堡王的警♥察♥朋友们
Proper condoms for policemen who like eating Burger King.
套上优质招牌皇堡警♥察♥专用套
Pop a proper Whopper copper condom on.
天哪
Oh boy.
见鬼 真是的...
fucking hell.
你看中的当然不是我的才华 当然不是了
Course you didn't see anything in it. Of course you didn't.
你只是看上了我
You only saw me.
我曾经以为 对...
I used to think, right...
真心以为 听我说 好吧?
Genuinely. Hear me out here, right?
我曾经以为
I used to think
我在这台上带给观众的
that what you're seeing here was, like,
是打破常规的新式幽默
breaking the mold.
我眼看着一个又一个搞笑艺人
You know, I'd watch these fucking other comics
取得我梦寐以求的成功 而我...
rising above me, and I... I just...
我完全想不通 为什么他们可以 我就不行
I never understood why... why them and not me.
可然后 啪
But then, bam!
现实给了我一记响亮的耳光
Reality smacks me in the face.
我太他妈天真了
I am so fucking naive.
我天真地以为自己 拥有独特的搞笑天赋
I was so naive in thinking that this was something special
以至于当一个编剧 假装为我的才华所倾倒
that when a writer sweeps you off your feet
说:"嘿 你很有才华 孩子 我来帮你成为巨星吧"
and says, "Hey, you've got it, kid. Let's make you famous..."
我居然对他说的每一个字深信不疑
you believe every word he's gonna say to you.
因为那是我这辈子都在渴望听到的话
'Cause it's the words you've wanted to hear your entire life.
"我相信你 正如你相信你自己"
"I believe in you... as much as you believe in yourself."
我对他言听计从
And you'll do just about anything in the world he asks of you
因为名望的光环会覆盖所有判断
because... because fame encompasses judgment, right?
我从小到大 一直害怕被人评判
And I... I feared judgment my entire life.
所以我渴望成名 因为一旦出名
That's why I wanted fame, because when you're famous,
在世人眼中 我就是一个名人
people see you as that, famous.
他们不会联想到 那些我害怕被贴上的标签
They're not thinking all the other things that I'm scared they're thinking.
比如"他就是个废物 他很无趣 他是个该死的基佬"之类的
Like, "That guy's a loser or a drip or a fucking faggot."
他们会想 "他是某某节目上的那家伙"
They think, "It's the guy from that thing."
"那家伙很有趣"
"It's the funny guy."
我做梦都想成为一个有趣的人
And I wanted so badly to be the funny guy.
去你♥妈♥的♥红灯 我就快说完了
Fuck your red light. I'm finishing.
所以当那个编剧说
So when this writer says
他只跟离经叛道的人合作 而我呢 为了直面自身的恐惧
he only works with wild ones, and to... to face my own fears, well,
没过多久 我就开始每周末都去他家 吸食成堆的药物
it's not long before I'm round his house, taking boatloads of drugs every weekend.
被诱♥奸♥是一件多么神奇的事情呀
And isn't getting groomed magical?
你还没搞清楚状况就被诱♥奸♥了
Before you realize you're actually getting groomed.
直到你被迷♥奸♥药药倒 躺在他家客厅的沙发上
Until you're passing out from GHB on his living-room couch,
而他用那双恶心的手扯开了你的裤子
while he tears at your trousers with his disgusting hands.
内心深处 你知道他让你做的那些事是错的
And you know it's wrong, deep down, what he's making you do.
但你仍旧不停地回去找他
But you just keep going back.
你会开始问自己
And you start to think,
"我就这么没自尊吗?
"Is my self-respect so fucking low,
我就这么渴望成功吗?
is my lust for success so fucking high,
以至于为了一点虚无缥缈的 成名的希望
that I will repeatedly go back to this man's house
一次又一次地送上门去
and let him abuse me
让他侵犯我?"
for a little peep at fame?"
"你是受害者 不要责怪自己"
"Oh, you're a victim. You mustn't blame yourself."
想法不错 但面对现实吧
Good sentiment, but let's be honest,
当你第四 第五次不省人事 醒来时发现阴♥茎♥被他含在嘴里
the fourth or fifth time you've passed out and woken up with your dick in his mouth,
你就该考虑别再回去了
you should probably think about not going back.
但我没有 我还是一往无前
But, no, I just had to keep going.
我非要上赶着去被强♥奸♥