驯鹿宝贝（2024）

That's easy.
跟琪莉一起搬到伦敦后
After I'd moved to London with Keeley,
我几乎每个周末都会去达瑞安家嗑药
I started taking drugs at Darrien's house almost every weekend.
来 我们照例从莫利开始
Here. We'll start off with the usual MDMA.
我盲目地相信着他许下的承诺
I had fully drunk the Kool-Aid of his promises,
相信着成功指日可待
of believing that success was right around the corner.
我会在30岁前拥有属于自己的节目
That I would have my own show by 30.
除此之外 还会成为百万富翁
A millionaire around the same time.
我对他所说的深信不疑
All stuff he said to me
任由他把最新的化学品送到我嘴里
before he spoon-fed me the latest chemical.
只偶尔吸食过大♥麻♥的我 已然演变成
I went from a guy who had smoked a bit of weed
整周沉迷于毒品 吸食霹雳可♥卡♥因♥...
to week-long benders, high on crack.
别害怕 追逐无与伦比的快♥感♥
Chase the high. Don't be scared.
...还有冰♥毒♥...
And meth.
你会充分发挥自己的创造潜能
You'll embrace your creative potential.
...和海♥洛♥因♥
And heroin.
你会大有作为的
You're going places.
吸食了足够多的药物 你会进入一种状态
When you take enough to reach that plane
所有思绪停止 快♥感♥侵袭而至
where all thought stops and euphoria begins,
那些关于 未来 名利和幸福的高谈阔论
talk of the future and fame and happiness
变得无比真实 正如此刻体内流动着的种种化学品
feel almost as real as the chemicals that flow through your body.
毫无疑问 如今在我看来 成功只是时间问题
It was only a matter of time now, surely.
有很多次 我都在他眼前昏睡过去
I passed out many times in his company.
通常醒来时 都会发现他躺在我旁边
I would often wake to find him lying next to me,
而他的手和嘴 探索着我各个不同的身体部位
his hands and mouth in various places as he searched around my body.
当我跌跌撞撞地走向浴室 会发现下♥体♥上凝结着
I would stumble to the bathroom and find his putrid spit
他散发出腐臭味的呕吐物
congealed around my genital area.
然后每到周一 他又会变回那个冷酷严苛的指导者
Then every Monday he was back to his cold, callous self,
毫不留情地批判我的剧本 让我重写 不付酬劳
giving me brutal script notes and making me do overnight rewrites
不顾及我的药劲仍未消退
on a comedown, for no money,
以及最近因为咽喉感染而一直咳嗽
while I coughed up my latest throat infection.
但我仍会回去找他
And still I went back.
- 你不陪我过生日吗? - 不 我跟你说了要去达瑞安家
- You're not spending my birthday with me? - No, I'm going round Darrien's.
搞什么啊 唐尼? 你不觉得这样有点奇怪吗?
What the hell, Donny? Is this not a little bit strange to you?
我不想跟你的朋友一起出去玩 开销太大了
I don't wanna go away with your friends. I can't fucking afford it.
所以你就跑去一个编剧大叔家里嗑药
So instead you're going to an old writer's house to take drugs.
我知道这在你看来很荒谬 但他在帮我开展事业
I know it doesn't make sense to you. But he's helping me with my career.
他帮了你什么? 你搬来伦敦后就一直在酒吧打工
What's he done? You've worked in a bar since you came to London.
- 还有免费给他做事 - 我没时间跟你谈这个
- You do everything for him for free. - I don't have time for this conversation.
那天晚上 达瑞安给我准备了迷幻药
That night, Darrien presented me with acid.
我吃半根 剩下的一根半归你
I'll take half of one. You take one and a half.
放心吧 之后我会引导你
I'll act as your guide so you feel safe.
诀窍就是让身心随着音乐律动
Let the music take you where it wants to.
有时候 当别人问我
I sometimes think back to this image,
"你是怎么走上喜剧这条路的?"
me, mid-twenties, sitting high as a kite,
我会回想起这个画面
watching this 55-year-old man
二十多岁的我 坐在那里飘飘欲仙
dancing this odd Amazonian jig in front of me,
看这个55岁的男人
when somebody asks me the question,
在我面前跳古怪的亚马逊舞蹈
"How did you get into comedy?"
继续描述你看见了什么
Keep telling me what you're seeing.
缤纷摇曳的色彩 似乎...描绘着什么形状
Shimmering colors. The... outline of something.
所以我现在是凤♥凰♥了?
So I'm a phoenix right now?
你看到的是这样吗?
Is that what you're seeing?
你得把我视为某种强大的个体
It's important that you see me as something strong.
一只凤♥凰♥ 一位骑士
A phoenix. A knight.
或者某个你喜欢的摔跤手
Maybe one of those wrestlers that you like.
忽然间 没来由地
Suddenly, seemingly from nowhere,
一个清晰 强烈的念头 在我的脑海浮现
this clear, strong thought entered my head.
-"他在试图操控你的思想" - 怎么了?
-"He's trying to control your mind." - What's wrong?
"这个男人很坏 这个情况很糟 快逃"
"This man is bad. This situation is bad. Get out now."
可恶
Fuck!
- 见鬼 - 怎么了?
- Fuck! - What's the matter?
你不舒服吗?
What's wrong?
我看不见了 眼前只有白茫茫一片
I can't see. All I can see is white.
没事 你正在重生
It's fine. It's fine. It's rebirth.
- 我看不见 我他妈看不见了 - 有我在 你很安全
- I can't see. I can't fucking see. - You're safe with me.
这段时间一直被我压抑的潜意识
My subconscious, that I'd been repressing this entire time,
终于跳出来向我揭示了现状的不堪
had reared its head to shine the most obvious light on a fucked-up situation.
你怎么了?
What's happening to you?
- 这很糟糕 我听见有人说这很糟糕 - 那是你的幻觉
- This is bad. I'm being told this is bad. - It's paranoia.
- 对抗它 - 关掉音乐
- Fight against it. - Turn the music off.
已经关掉了
It's off, it's off.
见鬼
Agh, fuck!
见鬼
Fuck!
该死
Oh fuck!
这该死的... 天哪 这该死的音乐
The fucking... Oh God! The fucking music!
可恶
Agh, fuck!
把这个喝了
Have this.
- 不要 - 会有助于缓解不适
- No. - It'll help take the edge off.
你以前喝过的 它能帮你放松
You've had it before. It relaxes you.
不 尽量别吐出来
No. No, try to keep it in.
吞下去
Swallow. Swallow.
很好
That's good. That's good.
药劲太强了
That was strong! That was strong!
好了
Okay. Okay.
好了
There.
对着我的手呼气 调整呼吸
Breathe into my hand. Breathe.
没事的
It's okay.
这是必经的过程
It's okay. This is part of it.
都是过程而已
It's all part of it.
放松
Relax.
放轻松
Relax.
没事的
It's fine.
不
No.
不要
No.
昨晚感觉如何?
How'd you find it?
你该去冲个澡 用温水清洗一下对你有好处
You should shower. A wash in warm water will do you good.
见鬼
Fuck!
我能进来吗?
Can I come in?
过来
Come here.
我很想说我一走了之了
I would love to say I left.
我夺门而出 再也没回去 但其实在那之后 我又逗留了数日
That I stormed out and never went back. But I stayed for days afterwards.
事实上 周一我的眼睛感染发炎
In fact, come Monday, I got an eye infection
于是躺在他家地板上 让他用盐水帮我洗眼睛
and lay on his floor as he bathed it in salt water.
到了周二 他忙着接电♥话♥时 我就帮他喂猫
On Tuesday, I fed his cat while he took phone calls.
直到周三 我终于回家了
On Wednesday, I finally went home.
嘿 你怎么啦?
Hey, what's wrong?
没什么 就是之前 跟你闹得不欢而散 太难过了
Oh, nothing. I just feel bad for how we left things.
最让我在意的就是那些未知
What bothered me most was the not knowing.
在我昏睡不醒的期间都发生了什么?
What happened all those moments I passed out?
你没事吧?
Are you okay?
我没事 对
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah.
过往种种 是他真心认为我有才华 还是一场精心策划的操控?
Did he ever believe in me, or was this whole thing preplanned manipulation?
他从头到尾都是清醒的吗?
Was he sober the entire time?
那么做对他有什么好处? 仅仅出于使人堕落的欲望吗?
And what was he getting from it? Was it simply a desire to corrupt?
为了满足他病态的心理 实现某种目标?
To achieve whatever his sick mind wanted to achieve?
摧毁我的生活会让他性致勃发?
Was that the turn-on, to ruin my life?
要不我们去看电视吧? 我找不到感觉
Uh, look, do you wanna watch something instead? I'm... I'm not feeling it.
不要 闭嘴
No, shut up.
对不起 今天恐怕是不行了
I... I... I'm sorry. It's... it's... it's just not happening today.
- 昨天也是这样 - 也许我需要一段冷静期
- It didn't happen yesterday either. - Maybe I need to take a break from it all.
你指的是做♥爱♥还是我们的关系?
What? A break from sex or from me?
天哪
Wow.
好吧
Okay.
琪莉搬走后 我陷入了崩溃
After Keeley moved out, I fell to pieces.
我能做的就只剩下审视那段回忆
Now all that was left to do was stare at the memory of what happened.
我开始对自己的性倾向感到困惑 那种困惑
I started to feel this overwhelming sexual confusion
如潮水般将我淹没
crashing through my body.
我以为它会自行退去 但它却演变成了不自信
I thought it might pass, but it became an insecurity,
在我的内心不断蔓延 直至疯狂肆虐
which grew into a raging madness within me.
我无从分辨这些感受是因他而起