我还是我：迈克尔·J·福克斯（2023）

Therapeutic value, even comfort,
都不是我服用这些药的原因
none of these was the reason I took these pills.
原因只得一个
There was only one reason.
我随身带着这些药
I carried the pills around loose and broken
在衫裤的口袋里
in the pockets of my shirts and trousers.
就像万圣节聪明豆一样
Like Halloween Smarties.
当受影响的四肢静止时就会出现柏金逊症的颤抖
Parkinsonian tremor occurs when the affected limb is at rest.
我的左手摆弄东西就可以掩饰颤抖
I was able to mask the trembling by twiddling an object in my left hand.
日复日如是,连续多个钟
Day after day, for hours on end.
明白...
Uh-huh. Uh-huh...
先生,我听不清楚
Sir, I can't hear you.
外面有一些骚动
There's some kind of a ruckus outside.
我可以转头打给你吗?
Can I call you back?
我从没想过向任何人透露病情
I never gave a second's thought to sharing my diagnosis with anyone.
我要工作
I had work to do.
我打算假装一切都没发生过
And I intended to pretend as if none of this was actually happening to me.
你不能这样对人
You can't do this to people.
你不能讲大话摆布人,我不会接受的
You can't lie and fake and manipulate. I won't accept that.
只此一次,我警告你一声就算
Just this once, I'm gonna let you off with a warning.
我锺意聪明反被聪明误的人
I like guys that are a little too smart for their own good.
老实讲,自以为在操纵全世界的操纵大♥师♥
You know, master manipulators who think they're manipulating everybody else,
其实是在操纵自己
but are, in a way, kind of manipulating themselves
在他们无法控制的情况
into a situation they can't control.
我也变成操纵药剂量的专家
I became a virtuoso at manipulating drug intake...
所以才能在适当的时间和地点处于巅峰状态
so that I'd peak at exactly the right time and place.
我要添药
I need more pills.
要休息一阵吗?
You wanna take a break?
其实我在十分钟前就要停,因为我要添药
Well, I mean, I should've stopped ten minutes ago 'cause I need more pills.
两分钟就够-好
It'll just take two minutes. - Yeah.
你服药后等药效发作,是甚麽滋味?
You take the pill, then you're waiting. And what does it feel like?
我总会说像等巴士
Like waiting-- I always say waiting for a bus. Waiting for the bus.
人们会问:“你做甚麽?”我说:“等巴士”
People will say, "What are you doing?" I say, "I'm waiting for the bus."
他们就会懂我的意思
And they know what I mean.
对,药效发作了,不错
Yeah, it's kicking in now. It's nice.
今日的药很快就见效
Today's a quick-- Quick kick-in today.
我还有点口齿不清,但是感觉良好
I'm a little-- still a little mumble mouth, but I feel good.
我感到很平静
I feel still.
你还在等巴士吗?抑或已经上车?
So, you're still waiting for the bus, or you're on the bus?
我已上车了,而且投了车费
No, I'm on the bus. I'm putting in-- money in the thing.
感觉舒服得多,彷彿即刻重拾状态
It's a great release. It's just, like, you pour into the form that is you.
即是你可以继续做自己
That you-- It gets filled with you again.
已开机
Speed.
我全身都痛
My body ached.
回带
Playback.
我一直强行摆出极不舒服的姿势
I had been contorting it into intensely uncomfortable positions
从而掩饰颤抖
in order to mask the tremors.
好,打板
Okay, marker.
好吧,再来一次
Okay, play again.
我见到个“录”字
I see "R-E-C."
对,那是“录影”
Yeah, that's "record."
我毫无胃口
My appetite was nonexistent.
我以那个借口避开跟家人吃饭
And I used that excuse to avoid joining my family for dinner.
我觉得一想起柏金逊症就会加快病发
I thought that by thinking about Parkinson's, I was hastening its arrival.
所以我饮酒饮到酩酊大醉
Instead, I drank to disassociate.
为了逃避现实
To escape my situation.
柏金逊症,我当时总是要藏起酒樽
Parkinson's, it was hide-the-bottle time.
我在车房♥藏了几樽酒
It was-- Like, I had bottles stashed in the garage,
然后我会开两支酒
and I'd open two bottles of wine,
翠丝以为我们只饮一支她不知我饮了另一支
and Tracy would think we just drank one, she didn't know I drank the other one.
在拍最后一个镜头前,我开始饮玛格丽特
And I started to have a margarita before the last take.
威士忌加冰,谢谢
Jack Daniel's, rocks, please.
《小生护驾》的米高J.霍士一出场很精彩
For Love or Money, with Michael J. Fox, starts out great
要下决定绝不难,肯定是不合格
With me, it isn't even a close call. It's definitely thumbs-down.
一切开始走下坡
And then things started to slip.
《超级星爸》的故事很普通
Life with Mikey doesn't tell much of a story.
我坐在那里心想米高J.霍士为何似乎懵然不知
I sat there wondering why Michael J. Fox seemed to be without a clue
在很多重大戏份要做甚麽
in a lot of his big scenes.
又一套好头烂尾的电影
And here's another movie that loses its way.
《谋财真要命》
Greedy.
米高J.霍士犯了很多人都会犯的错
Michael J. Fox fell for that old trap.
(霍士星途末路?)
他们想饰演讨人欢喜的角色
They wanna play characters who are really likable.
为何不演奸角?-我同意,对
Why not play nasty? - I agree. Yeah.
令它们犯众憎,人人都锺意你演犯众憎的角色
Make 'em hateful. People love you when you play hateful characters.
又是一套高票房♥大製作
It's another big-budget, big-box-office,
容易入口但不会难忘的垃圾
in-one-end, out-the-other, easy-to-flush piece of crap.
我满怀怒火
I was sullen and angry.
发生了一件事,有个人走到我面前
There was one thing in a store. This guy stepped in front of me.
然后我说:“不好意思你当我透明吗?”
And I said, "Excuse me. What am I, fucking invisible?"
然后他说:“对,我当你透明”
And he goes, "Yeah, you're invisible."
我抽起他的裇衫,然后说:“你去死吧
And I grabbed his shirt, and I said, "Fuck you, man.
我要拉你出去打镬甘”
I'll take you outside and take your head off."
然后我说:“我今日不想做其他事,只想打你一镬甘”
And I said, "I'd love nothing more, today, than to take your head off."
他退后,其他人面青青地行开了
And he just backed off, and they all went white and they walked out.
我说:“我做得出啊”
I said, "I can be that guy."
我不知怎会如此、我会变成怎样
I didn't know what was happening. I didn't know what was coming.
所以不如我饮四杯酒
So, what if I could just have four glasses of wine
或者要多杯烈酒吧?
and maybe a shot?
即是你当时酗酒?-是,绝对是酗酒
So, were you an alcoholic? - Yeah, I was definitely an alcoholic.
但我至今已30年没饮酒
But I've gone 30 years without having a drink.
为何会有那种行为?
What is the core of that behavior?
骨子里是出于恐惧
The core of that behavior is fear.
当晚的派对有种急切性
There was an urgency, an edge, to that night's partying.
导演说“拍完了”之前我们正在饮第叁壶玛格丽特
We were on our third pitcher of margaritas by the time the director called "Wrap."
天啊
Oh, God.
我见到一对脚,是翠丝的脚
I saw feet. Tracy's feet.
没有着鞋的,弊了,现在几点钟?
The feet had on shoes. Shit. What time was it?
我不见她表达怒火
I found no expression of rage.
她冷澹地看着我悲惨的样子
She was meeting my sorry state with indifference.
她说:“你就是想这样吗?”
"Is this what you want?" she said.
“你就是想做这样的人吗?”
"This is what you wanna be?"
好吧,米高、翠丝,请望过来
Okay, Michael, Tracy, turn your head, please.
我成世人从未如此害怕
I'd never been so frightened in my life.
翠丝...
Tracy. Tracy!
翠丝
Tracy!
浴缸变成我的避难所
The bathtub became my refuge.
日复一日,我每次都浸几个钟
Day after day, for hours at a time.
我只想把头浸在水里
I just wanted to keep my head below water.
我想受苦,越浸得深越好
I needed to suffer. I needed to go as low as I could go.
我只听到手震造成的水声
All I could hear was the muted splash of my trembling hand.
但跟酒精带来的消沉一样
But as low as alcohol had brought me,
戒酒令我更加消沉
abstinence would bring me lower.
我不能再逃避现实
I could no longer escape myself.
戒酒的头几年非常艰难
My first few years of sobriety were like a knife fight in a closet.
甚麽最难?
What's the knife?
事实
The truth.
事实,我无法面对
Truth. I wasn't facing things.
(欢迎光临地球)
我只想逃离世界
I just wanted to be out of the world.
我想去另一个地方、做其他事
And I wanted to be in another place, doing another thing.
我跑去其他地方拍戏
I ran away and did movies in other parts of the world.
在家不能假装没有柏金逊症
Can't pretend at home that you don't have Parkinson's...
因为你与它共存
because you're just there with it.
若我在外面的世界,面对其他人
If I'm out in the world, and I'm dealing with other people...
他们不知我有病,我就可假装无病
and they don't know I have it, then I don't have it.
但当时翠丝很难受
But Tracy was really having a hard time
她真的快要崩溃
and really was getting to the end of her rope.
(1996年3月16日,早上6时35分)
因为双胞胎出世了
Because now we had twins.
雅昆娜和史佳勒
Aquinnah and Schuyler.
我回到家人身边
And I get back to my family.
当时森很高兴我在家,但又嬲我
Sam was happy I was home, but mad at me.